I have been seeing someone I met through an internet dating site. He is recently divorced (1 year) after a 24-year marriage and has kids the same ages as mine. At times I like him a lot and we have fun talking and spending time together. But he seems very reluctant to stop using the dating site and stop seeing the various women he met there. He says that because I am an hour a way, he should be free to go out with other women if I'm not available and he wants to see a movie or hear some music. He claims he doesn't have any other friends to go out with besides the women he met in the last few months. He insists that they are just friends and that I "would like them" and he can't wait to introduce me to them. I already have lots of my own friends who go way back. So I don't really feel the need for his new friends--though I am happy to meet his old friends-- and I am not keen on him continuing to go out with them. A few weeks ago, I told him simply that it made me uncomfortable, without asking him to stop.

He volunteered to stop looking for new ones and told me he'd broken off with someone else and that she had cried (he seemed to think this would upset me, said he needed to tell me in person, and seemed surprised that I didn't react much). But he insists on being able to keep seeing the ones he's already met, as long as it isn't serious.

The other thing is that he insists on talking about these women all the time. I can't remember all their names and I don't really enjoy hearing about their opinions--like what movie we should go to next--especially since if I can't go with him he's going to go with her (or her or her). It's starting to get to me and I find it a complete turnoff when we are having a great conversation and he brings up one of his other dates (he says they are not "dates"). He insists I am the only one he is serious about (read intimate with). Recently when we were having a nice dinner out, he interrupted a really interesting conversation to talk about one of them for about 10 minutes. I sat waiting for him to move on to another subject, something I could be involved in, but he wouldn't. So I finally said I didn't really have anything to say about her or the movies they'd gone to see together, or what she said about each one, and could we talk about other things? (He had changed the subject from something I was enjoying to her.) He got angry and said he can talk about anyone he wants.

Am I being jealous and unreasonable? Or is this guy playing games with my head?

J_9

Time to move on. After 24 years this man is not ready for a steady relationship. Sounds like he only wants to play the field at this time.

bushg

He is right he should be free to do as he pleases. If what he is doing upsets you then you need to move on. Thank God, he is honest with you. What if he was a liar and said" ok if my seeing other women upsets you then ok I'll stop " then goes behind your back and does it anyway. Be happy that you have meet a man that is honest. If you move on you will give yourself a chance to meet another honest man if you stick around waiting for him to decide to only see you, then your just putting yourself in limbo. I do not think he is playing mind games. Just being honest about who he see and what he does. On the other hand, You have the right to be the exclusive one in a mans life, it just does not seem, as though, it is going to be this one.

shygrneyzs

You both have different expectations in this relationship. That sure comes out clear. You are not engaged and therefore you and he both have the right to communicate with whoever you want. Apparently this guy does not see this relationship as exclulsive, so take his lead and do not act like it is. Talk to other guys, see other guys - even as friends. Then talk about them all the time. "Oh, you should have heard what Tom said about the movie he saw last night", "Jerry told me the funniest joke at work today", "Barry said we need to go and try the new place that opened up." You get the idea. Turn the tables. See what happens. If this bothers him, so what? Tell him that is exactly how he makes you feel.

Then, get up and walk away.

asking

Shygrneyzs, Thanks! It's confusing because he's indicated that he Does see the relationship as exclusive. And when I suggested that I follow suit and go out with other men, he wouldn't give me a straight answer about whether he'd be comfortable with that. It was pretty clear that he didn't want me to do that. I decided to wait a little longer and see how things developed. But it's been two months and I still feel like I'm in some kind of limbo. I think I will follow your advice without asking his "permission" and see how that goes! There are several people I've met who I would be happy to go out with again. That's not normally how I operate, but I guess if he can have his cake and eat it too, so can I.

asking

He just called me, so I told him that I had decided to see other guys as friends, just as he was going out with woman he says are just new friends from the dating site. I said that I had decided this was the best way to accomodate his desire that we be exclusive but not entirely exclusive. I said that for me it needed to be balanced, that I would follow the same rules he had laid out for himself, not to see anyone new or with whom there was any chemistry.

First he offered to think it over and let me know if it was okay, but I said that I had already thought it over and I didn't feel comfortable with having different rules for each of us. So then he suddenly proposed that we both be completely exclusive. I said I was fine with that but that he really should make sure he wanted that. I pointed out that he seemed to be really enjoying playing the field and I could understand that (I really do), but that he might not be ready to be exclusive. He didn't answer, but seemed upset. He says he feels insecure with the idea of me going to see movies with other men. I told him I felt the same way! He acknowledged that I was being reasonable. But he clearly felt I was backing away and making unnecessary changes in the relationship for the worse. Then he had to get off the phone because his son called. I feel guilty. I didn't like upsetting him... I like him.