I just started dating this guy 2 months ago. On the first date we had sex and it was earth moving. He told me he wanted to "be my man" but he has never asked me out on another "real date". We have met for drinks after work a couple of times and sometimes I will see him briefly if he stops by for a quick kiss. He is financially successful and he lives with his mother in a retirement community. (Weird, because he owns a home but rents it out)That doesn't bother me but I think it's strange that he says he wants to date exclusively but I never get asked out. He says that the fact that I have children keeps him from coming over and spending the night or hanging out at my house because he thinks they will get confused because I have only been divorced 2 years and he wants them to build trust with him and he doesn't want to move in on them too fast. I think he has another girlfriend. I told him that I don't mind if we date other people but he says he doesn't want to. I am confused. Do you think he is just taking the relationship extra slow or does he have something going on the side and he wants to have his cake and eat me too?

JBeaucaire

Sex on the first date and you've never had a date since? In the past 2 months how many times have you had sex?

You usually set the tone for a relationship over the course of your first 4 dates. Sounds like you two skipped to the bored-relationship-stage after the first date. I'd blame it on the "earth-moving sex".

I'm not preaching, I'm reminding you that cause-and-effect is a reality in the universe. You do ONE thing, these other things usually result.

On the RAREST of occasions, sleeping with someone on the first date can lead to a meaningful and lifelong couple. By rare I mean it doesn't happen often enough to think you're going be the one.

So acting this freely before you've even had a chance to get to know a guy is dangerous in ways you don't even realize. Sex gives a false sense of connection in this situation. It gives a false sense of "importance" to a bond that hasn't even actually been proven yet.

Look, forget everything that has happened between you so far. Pretend you JUST met him but you already know the following things about him:

• He isn't interested in actual dates, actually going out and entertaining
• He lives with his mom (that may be fine, but it does belong on the list)
• Says one thing but seems to do another
• Shy of kids and other people's houses

That's really all you gave us, but I bet you could lengthen that list.

If you didn't already have a sexual relationship with this guy, would you START dating a guy with the pedigree you now know about him? Would you really?

The reason you go slow (no sex, no crazy bonding behavior) in the early months is to find out who this guy actually is. You do it because you know nothing other than you like him, which isn't actually a character trait, is it?

You didn't do that, so now look how hard it is to pragmatically judge anything?

LAST THOUGHT: Guys don't change a whole lot. Especially not ones his age. What you're seeing is what you're going to be getting. Would you choose freely to date someone like this if you weren't already in it?

MsMewiththat

The above was very well stated. I'd like to add here, that the reasons he gave you for not coming over can be viewed in more than one way. I would like to think that he is on the right track with respecting your children. You could be a little more cautious about who you choose to have around them and how quickly you give people that type of trust. He could be letting you know, there is more to him that you need to know before he can be trusted around your children or perhaps he is not willing to be accountable to and for these little people.? Time is a good thing in relationships and will usually reveal what is to be known. Slow down

liz28

I sorry, but this dont sound like a relationship. It just sounds like two people that hook up with no strings attached and he wants more action but your kids are stopping him. He might have a girlfriend/s or other females he interact with.

I'ld find someone else that wants the same as you. If you have a babtsitter to go out then why wont he want to go out instead of wanting to be in your house and spend the night. Actions speak louder then words and his actions are telling a whole lot about him, move on.

colonal

To tell you the truth I never expected anything from this guy in the first place. I have not had or wanted a relationship since my divorce and really only wanted to get laid. I know that sounds sleazy but who cares. I am over 35 and I have physical needs. I am actually happy that I am free. If a relationship comes out of this that is fine and if it doesn't I am fine with that too. I was never really trying to get to know him in the 1st place. It just so happens that now that I am getting to know him I am liking our conversation and our personalities complement each other. He calls me 4 times a day, calls me his woman,blah blah blah. He just never asks me out on dates. He came over the other day for 3 hours and helped me do yard work. (He volunteered, I did not ask him) I have noticed that he goes to bed at around 10pm and calls me to say goodnight and calls me when he wakes up. I am so confused. I am willing to take it slow and I am very up front with him regarding our relationship. I just have this gut feeling that I am sharing him w/ someone else and in regards to dating I don't mind but when it comes to sharing sex partners that is scary. ( We have had sex 3 times and he verbalizes that he loves the sex with me and being around me.) By the way we use condoms. I think I am just going to keep having sex with him and use him as my boy toy. If it turns into something more than I will just go with it.

JBeaucaire

Sounds like you're on top of it...(pun intended)