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    Had sex with my best friend, what do I do now?

    Asked Sep 30, 2007, 09:04 AM 11 Answers
    I've been friends with "Jane" for about 2 years. In fact upon moving to a new state and starting over she was one of the first friends I made here.

    In the back of my head I always had some attraction for her. I don't know if it started genuine or just the "I want what I can't have" complex. Either way, for about a year now we've been as close as I've ever been to any friend I've ever had, no doubt about it.

    I don't know why I make best friends of the opposite sex, but somehow it turns out that way. Anyway, we've gotten to be such good friends that in public, in private, wherever, we'll say we're brother and sister.

    Well the other night we went bar-hopping, a very lame activity but I had just gotten a new car and we were having fun. At the last bar we went to that night, as it closed down "Jane" was hitting on the bartender. I thought it was kind of funny personally but I figured what the hell, she was the last girl in the bar so I knew I wasn't getting any, so I tried to hook her up with the bartender.

    Well that didn't work out, so we left. Now "Jane" is the type who really can't stand rejection, she lets it get to her and it really hurts to see sometimes. She sat down on the curb in the parking lot of the bar as we were walking outside crying about "does the bartender think I'm ugly" which believe me if you saw her you would know is the farthest thing from the truth.

    She's "F'ing" beautiful, but sadly she refuses to believe it. So she made some comment about wanting someone to just come and take advantage of her, do whatever they wanted to her, so me being part smart and part honest, I told her she shouldn't say that around me.

    After a few I get her up and in the car and I'm driving back to her car, having forgotten what had just happen in the parking lot. All of a sudden, she asks me if she's pretty enough for me to have sex with her, and if we hooked up could I keep a secret.

    Being that I was a little drunk and part of me had wanted it for years, we stopped at my place, which was just down the road from her car and went at it, twice. Talked for a few in between about this and that. She told me she always had this fantasy of being taken out in the middle of nowhere and "spanked like a little brat."

    Ok, what the hell, we'd already taken it this far why not. So we go and do that. Finally I take her back to her car and we talk for a second. She basically tells me not to talk about it not to tell anyone. Which doesn't bother me because she's right in that it would make things complicated especially as far as our friends, who like to instigate anything they can.

    Well I talked to her last night, 2 nights later, just to get it out, so it wouldn't be a problem. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, I know this, whatever. I'm one of those people that will over-analyze just about anything. I start thinking about all the "beautiful" guys (to use her words) she hooks up with and is proud to brag about it.

    Well I got kind of down on myself connecting all that, which I shouldn't have. This shouldn't be a problem for me, I've had meaningless hook-ups before I know how this is supposed to go. Only, it's not going that way. All of my emotions have been brought back, seemingly tenfold.

    I'd always had to fight off the thought that I thought I might love her (and not just as a friend) but I've been in love before, I know that's not what I feel for her, more of just a puppy-love I guess, for lack of a better term. Not to mention the fact that she's my best friend of course I love her as that, I guess more of a blend of the two.

    I'm just so confused and if I had a random problem I could talk to her about it. Well this I can't talk to her about, she's told me she never wants to think about it again, which hurts, bad. I'm big on psychology, its what I want to do with my life, why I'm trying to save money to go to school. And everything I've learned so far in that aspect has taught me that to get over something it needs to be aired out, at least between us.

    Can't happen, I tried to put it something like that to her, wrong move. She basically gave me the choice, be as close as we've been and "it never happened" or be someone she'd hook up with from time to time. As a guy, difficult choice, but I made the right one, I'd still rather her be my friend than just a sex-buddy.

    I just kind of wish the choice would have been friendship or a relationship, that I might have chose differently on (not that it would have been a good choice but I've had a thing for her for years, I don't think I could have helped that one).

    Anyway my question is really this... I find myself caring more and more about her as I think about this whole situation. How do I just get past it and not let it bother me? I need some advice here, I'm really struggling with how to get over this. I'm just so incredibly scared that it's going to be different. She's my best friend and I love her with all my heart as my friend. I can't loose that. How do I protect it?

    Last edited by CliffARobinson; Aug 17, 2011 at 02:31 PM.
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    11 Answers
    LivingtheLifeinFLA's Avatar
    LivingtheLifeinFLA Posts: 137, Reputation: 29
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    #2

    Sep 30, 2007, 06:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ltb86
    ..I find myself caring more and more about her as I think about this whole situation. How do I just get past it and not let it bother me?
    Ok, here is the problem, you start seeing her more and you start liking her cause the sex changes things, and then she gets scared off as you show more interest and your friendship dies. Trust me been there multiple times in my 20's.

    This is how you handle it, start distancing yourself. No telling her you love her, how you think she is great, no flowers, etc. You need to act like you can be completely cool with it and keep her little secret. If you can, she will continue to sleep with you, but ultimately she will end up with the pretty boy that she really wants and then the pain machine drops on you as she sends you back to friend status. And, if you ever tell anyone that you slept with her she will lie and say you are lying. Then you will never have her friendship.

    But who knows, maybe she starts enjoying hanging out with you and it proceeds further the way that you want. But, based on my past experience you are going to need to back off, stop sleeping with her, and hope that your attraction dies if you still want her as a friend. My experience also showed that the more I backed off the more they chased me back, with "Is something wrong?". I would just answer "No, just busy", and they would be like, "do you want some company?".
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    star3114's Avatar
    star3114 Posts: 234, Reputation: 44
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    #3

    Sep 30, 2007, 08:12 PM
    First, next time call a cab (you don't want to have your new car smashed or impounded). Second, she is scared. When people drink, it lowers their inhibitions. This means that a part of her wanted to be with. What was her reasoning behind friends vs. love buddies? Does she have a boyfriend already? Obviously she is attracted to you if she gave you the option to be love buddies. If she was repulsed by you, she'd never talk to you again. How old is she and you? This might help understand the situation better.
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    KISS's Avatar
    KISS Posts: 12,505, Reputation: 838
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    #4

    Sep 30, 2007, 09:07 PM
    It might be a test.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,054, Reputation: 10289
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    #5

    Oct 1, 2007, 09:21 PM


    Having sex has changed everything for you, and you need to recognise that. It has heightened and intensified your feeling, and you must back away and get a handle on those feelings. This is obviously not her first time, and consuming alcohol had a lot to do with what has happened. That she can bury this and forget about it gives you a clue to her thinking and you should pay attention to that fact, and see how the way you react will make or break everything between you two. Do as she says, and forget it.
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    Duckling's Avatar
    Duckling Posts: 45, Reputation: 9
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    #6

    Oct 2, 2007, 01:59 AM
    I have to agree with talaniman in that she has done this before with other guys or is doing this with other guys but they're all keeping it a secret just like you. You also can't take her stories of being with all these gorgeous men that seriously. I mean, who actually brags about that?
    I would say it's not a female who knows they can get gorgeous men that's likely to brag about that, but a girl who wants people to confirm or validate that notion for her, by listening and knowing that "yes she can get with gorgeous men".

    It shows her confidence level. Don't be fooled by her. She is using you in her own way to feed this "I can get men, and men want me" machine that runs her. Now, she's not evil, but she needs some maturing to do, because from the sounds of things you two are pretty young. You should listen to her and forget this immediately.

    From the sounds of things, you have been in a somewhat similar situation, saying that you don't know why you always choose girl best friends... as if someone else has lead you down this road before.
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    RaulKnows's Avatar
    RaulKnows Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 28, 2007, 11:27 PM
    First--If she valued your friendship she would not offer such an outlandish ultimatum.
    Second--She may be in to you, but scared to enter a committed relationship. By asking you to be eff buddies she is giving herself an out.

    Finally--If you are friends with her and she wants too have sex with you, saying no puts you further away from your goal. Remember you are the man. After sex, it will be harder for her to control her emotions. Eventually she will "grow feelings".

    You know what you want and if she offers it; take it. If you are going to get hurt; do it while getting laid.

    -Raul
    "If you are not her EFF budy, you are her non-eff budy".
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    Baby-_-Girl-_-19's Avatar
    Baby-_-Girl-_-19 Posts: 67, Reputation: 4
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    #8

    Oct 29, 2007, 12:48 PM
    There is no guanteed way of getting over something like that. The best thing to do is give her a little space. Keep all the 'extra' (non-friendship) emotions out of it. Maybe eventually she'll want to talk about. Maybe then you guys can discuss all of this. Other than that try your hardest to just put it past you. Chalk the sex up to a bad decision, blame the alcohol and leave it at. As for having romantic feelings for her... a lot of that came along after you guys had sex because you had sex.

    As for protecting your friendship. If you keep all of the Romantic feelings for her out of her knowledge and keep reminding yourself its those feelings that could ruin your friendship. And just treat her like you always had before you hooked up things will probably go back to normal.
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    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,127, Reputation: 2431
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #9

    Oct 29, 2007, 03:53 PM


    I think you need to distance yourself from this girl or you are goig to be in for serious heartbreak. Underage drinking and sex for the heck of it but don't tell are big red flags that ought to tell you this girl is poison. Forget about what you feel, use your brain.
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    Duckling's Avatar
    Duckling Posts: 45, Reputation: 9
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    #10

    Oct 30, 2007, 04:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
    I think you need to distance yourself from this girl or you are goig to be in for serious heartbreak. Underage drinking and sex for the heck of it but don't tell are big red flags that ought to tell you this girl is poison. Forget about what you feel, use your brain.
    Yeah. "Don't tell" are big red flags. She's selfish and wants to play by her terms. Believe me that you two probably will get close again, but only when she feels like using you for the moment. And then the next day she will snap her fingers and expect for you to not come near her. You're her puppet.

    Show her that she can't control you. Leave her and go to someone who cares about you.
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