Asked Apr 7, 2010, 12:23 PM
Many have fallen into the situation where one person has a major crush on another person, but that person is already in a relationship. Every one has their own approach. Some would say: “If they are taken, then stay away, find someone else, off limits, plenty of fish in the sea, etc.” Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy. We can’t just wash away our feelings and pretend that they never existed. So what do we do? Here are some pointers
A friendship intially develops with the other person. That friendship can lead to romantic feelings
. Once the romantic feelings have developped, we might bash our heads into the wall wondering what to do next. We know the person is taken, but we can’t help but want to confess our feelings. We weigh the pros
. In the meantime, the feelings can get stronger. Why can’t the person just break up and be with me? We ask.
Unfortunately, if the person is already in a romantic relationship, nor matter what angle, justification or perspective we approach it, the person is still off-limits
. We are not boyfriend/girlfiend stealers. We have integrity
. We have to respect the relationship. Do we really want to start a relationship knowing that we took the person from someone else? It doesn't sound like a very romantic way to start a relationship. There will constantly be mistrust issues.
Eventually, we come to a crossroad. The feelings are too strong and we have to make a decision. To confess or not to confess? That is the question. If we don’t confess
Some people are capable of handling a friendship, even though they have feelings for the other person. For those who can't handle it, the choice would be to ignore the other person until our feelings have gone away, so that we don't drag the pain out anymore. Once our feelings have gone away, we can potentially have a simple friendship
. If we choose this path, it's better to go 100% no contact so that we don't overanalyze all the conversations or hang on to false hope. As long as we still have feelings, we will have trouble moving on with our lives. A useful tool to help us heal from these feelings is no contact
Sometimes, it's easier said than done to give up on the other person. So maybe it's better to fess up? If we confess
Take a risk. See what happens.
If the person was true to his/her relationship, the person would reject
our feelings and we're placed in a awkward situation. Worst case scenario, you end up alienating each other and may never be able to be friends again. This becomes especially complicated if you are co-workers or have mutual friends. So be prepared to face the possible consequences of your actions.
There’s always that chance that the other person also has feelings
for us as well. Ideally, they would break up with the other person and be with us. If that happens, that would mean:
Warning: If the person had feelings for you, that means that he or she has been emotionally cheating all along. So what next? He or she cheats to be with us? He or she breaks up with their significant other to be with us? If the person can break up so easily, how easy do you think it would be for them to break up with us to be with someone else? What does that say about the other person? Are we ready for that type of insecurity? Can we trust them?
One thing to consider is that once we’ve reached the point where we want to confess our feelings, it means that the other person must have given us some signs
that he or she also has feelings
for us. Therein lies the HUGE problem
. The expectations that we’ve created is a sense of false hope. We’re so fixated on the assumption that the other person has feelings for us as well. That would be setting ourselves up for disappointment. Unfortunately, that’s unhealthy behavior.
If the other person doesn't give you an answer right away, then back off. The ball is already in their side of the court after you've confessed your feelings. Focus on doing your own thing so that you don't dwell what's going on in the other person's mind.
Remember to strike a balance between giving space and touching base, because in some cases, ignoring the other person can work against us because it seems like you already gave up. Striking a balance would mean to keep in touch by whatever means he or she is comfortable with, for the purpose of continuing to get to know each other naturally. Also remember not to put pressure on the other person to give you an answer. CHANCE #1
: If they break up and want to be with you, it's best to give them some time to heal
from the break up before starting a new relationship. You don't want to be the rebound nor the reason they broke up. Besides, that's not a very romantic way to start a relationship. The third path
Why not wait it out? See what happens? Maybe the other person will break up naturally and we can be together. If we really liked the other person, we would wait right? Patience
will pay off? CHANCE #2
: There are no guarantees
that this would happen. But if we hang around long enough, maybe they would break up naturally. Spend some time to recover from the break up and then naturally start a new relationship with us. In this case, our patience would really pay off.
Unfortunately, there’s no right or wrong answer. Only consequences. This approach would entale for us to put our lives on hold. We would be waiting for something that may never happen. How long do we wait? How is that fair to us?
The answer is: It depends
. Every person
is going to take a different
amount of time before they give up. When we're ready to give up, a useful tool is the no contact
rules to help us heal from these feelings: http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...nc-425290.html Conclusion
Keep in mind there’s never a right or wrong approach. There’s no good or bad approach, only consequences. What consequences
are you prepared to face?
Hopefully I won't get too much bashing for not enforcing the fact that taken = off limits nor matter what
I really do feel for those who are in this situation, as I have been as well. Hopefully these pointers will help guide you to make your decision.