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I'm an indonesian, and am living in indonesia, and i have a problem that i can't really share with my fellow Indonesian friends (since they're all so "traditional" and thick-headed). We don't have a lot of pre-marital sex here, and this is a problem, cos my GF DOES have a sexual past. I'm trying my best to accept her, but I'm losing my grip..
I knew my girlfriend has had 4 sexually active relationships before she met me, and i was ready to accept that before going into a relationship with her. It wasn't easy, since i was a virgin (still am) and all that, but i loved her, and it made me stronger. However, while answering some stupid sex survey together with her on the web i found out a little bit more about her, and i was shocked. The question was "how many sexual partners have you had this year?" and she answered... 6. I mean, HOLY, didn't she have like, FOUR BOYFRIENDS? who the heck were these two other guys????
She was honest, and i really appreciated that. See, she knew the awful possibilities she was about to get into by typing in that number six, and she was betting on my understanding. (I do have a history of being a really understanding guy)
But I really wasn't prepared for what i was about to hear.
She said those two other 'friends' "raped" her.
But when I asked her if she's still 'friends' with those two, she answered an utterly convulting "yes".
I'd told her to cut ties with those two, and she's given me her yes, so it's not the problem.
The problem is, how do I deal with the fact that my girlfriend's the type to be okay staying friends with her rapists? I mean, she's nice and sweet and all that, but what kind of a girl am I really dealing with here?? And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that deep down I wasn't really able to accept all of her sexual histories - I'd overestimated myself.
I want to stay in love with her, but with all these doubts running in my mind, i really dunno what to do.
That is a tough one, but at the end of the day, if you can't accept her sexual history, you can't be together. If you're a virgin, how will you feel if you lose your virginity with her? Will you be able to live together and NEVER throw her previous sexual encounters in her face? If not, you need to move on. Can you keep this a secret from your family? What if anyone ever approaches a family member of yours about her past? Is she comfortable hiding her past from your family? Is she prepared to face them if they find out somehow? You need to talk to her, and if you can't come to terms with her past, you need to end things.
I really have a hard time believing that a woman would remain friends with 2 people who raped her. I'm sorry, but I really question her honesty and values.
Frankly, with your feelings on pre-marital sex, I can't see how a relationship with this girl could work. She has admitted to having sex with SIX men in less than five months??? I think you really have some soul searching to do here. Are you in love with love or in love with this girl? There seems to be far more about her that can seriously cause problems in a relationship with her than there is good. Remember, if you have sex with her - either inside or outside of marriage - you are sleeping with everyone that she has slept with as well.
If she has had sex with 4 guys this year, how many last year??? Is this really what you want? You really need to figure this out for yourself, but my guess is that this is just far too against your beliefs to accept. You wrote that you are 'losing' your 'grip'. This shows how deeply affected you are by this whole thing. This is not a good foundation for a loving relationship. There are a lot of good women out there who share your beliefs and feelings. Why not step back a bit to see what it is that you really want?
I wanted to give you a green square grammadidi, but i wasn't able to rate you. I think your advice was very good and honest.
Thank you. I respond from the heart, but mixed with experience and knowledge. The greenies aren't as important as knowing that my answers might help someone.
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