I met this girl online and got to know her a bit over about 2 months. We met up in the real world and she is great like I imagined. I'm pretty sure she likes me and I was what she was expecting as well. We spent a few hours together talking, it was great and the time flew by. The problem is I am not good at reading people and I have little experience. I am starting to go over it in my mind over and over, trying to work out how she feels about me.

She touched me on the arm more than once, we had quite a lot of eye contact, she seemed pretty relaxed and happy. But the whole thing felt very friendly and not romantic. Plus I didn't touch her on the arm, didn't hold hands. I think she just wanted to see what I was like. But how can I tell if she sees me as more than a friend? I can't tell if she is attracted to me at all. I think she knows that I am interested in her by what I have said. But I'm starting to think I didn't show it enough in my actions?

Capuchin

I know it's hard, but try not to over-analyze these things, sometimes you just need to go with the flow. Give it time and her intentions and thoughts should become obvious.

If they don't then you can always ask her about it. Over-analyzing things only ever ends in coming to a convoluted (and not necessarily correct) conclusion.

DMA

Yeah I think you are right. But let me rephrase a little... at the end she thanked me and let me know she had a really nice time. I said a similar thing back. This is all quite friendly, I want to know from a females perspective, is there anything I should say to perhaps change how she sees me? I dont mean force her to like me, but to see me as a possible partner and not 'mr nice guy' that she just had a nice time with one day and nothing more.

sampatrick

You can be he best friend. Best friends are usually great life partners. You can send a card to her on Best Friend's Day, make her feel special on that day.

nova225

if she's touching your arm, and a lot of eye contact is going on then she's totally flirting with you. try looking up non-verbal signals and see what type of info they give you. next time when you hang out and she uses some gestures you're not quite sure of you'll know what they mean.

JBeaucaire

The precontact you had online is fine and all, but amounts to almost nothing in the real-world. So, for now, the only thing you need to focus on his how you WANT to be seen by her. Period.

Once you figure out how you want to be seen, for that to even occur you will have to BE SEEN. Emails and texts don't count. In person. Seeing.

So, when is your next get-together?

DMA

I think I know how I want to be seen. But it is difficult for me to take a risk when I'm not sure how she feels. Like if she makes all the moves and pushes things along that that is fine. But if I have to do it, then I am quite restrained because I don't want to overstep the line and then end up blowing it.

I expect it to be a few days before I hear from her. Is there something you recommend I do for our next get together?

JBeaucaire

Well, this is going to sound odd, but I think you need to first work on your posture. Stand up very straight. Shoulders square, head locked, eyes forward.

Now walk confidently through the room and up to a mirror. What do you see? That's what you need to work on first. Confident presentation.

I say this because everything I read in your writing scream "wimpy scared guy." (Forgive my directness, you know I am trying to help, right?) I picture you slumped over and biting your fingernails while you're typing.

You absolutely cannot expect to go through your life only stepping out and reaching for your goals if you know 100% for sure its going to work out perfectly and no mistakes will happen. You CAN'T! Nobody gets away with that.

No, that mindset, the one you where you constantly fret stepping over the line, that's the mindset of a loser. You will never win by waiting. Ever.

My wife of 23 years, my best friend in the whole world, absolutely wouldn't even go out with me, didn't like me in the least when we first met. I had to ask her 6-7 time before she finally said yes. I won by persistence, manly, not-creepy persistence. I had things going on in my life. Real things. She wasn't my "goal", she was one of them. I had interesting and fun and funny things that eventually she realized it would be ok to be around and she risked it.

Notice, "risk". I pursued with no reason to think I would succeed. She eventually went out with me with no belief it would go anywhere. And we both won.

So, risk is your path to success. You must act without certainty. I pursued at least 2 other girls I can remember and it was a complete washout. Did that make the risk wrong? Not at all! I learned and practiced and continued developing my life and made sure that I had something a girl COULD be attracted to, confidence and humor and life of my own.

Practice those things.

As for your next get-together, it needs to be short, fun, topical, safe and full of you being a great date without being creepy or moving anything along too fast. You're just having fun getting to know each other.

You will call her to talk briefly, you won't wait for her only. If you get a voice mail, you will allow yourself 10 seconds to say "Hi, thought I'd call and see if you're interested in seeing that movie that starts on Friday. Give me call. Hope your week has been a good one. Bye." Simple, confident, suggestive of a future date, no neediness at all.

If things aren't going to work out with you and this girl, make sure you get the most practice out of the endeavor that you can. And practicing means doing, not waiting.

Good luck.

DMA

Ok... so I think I get stuck in my comfort zone, not wanting to take the risk. I am probably scared of rejection. But I can change that or at least work on that. I'm not quite slumped over and biting my fingernails though! In any case, she is certainly worth the risk!

I will practice the things you mention.


That I can do... as a friend. But should I be flirting much more than I did otherwise she will loose interest? Because I think I need longer than most people to feel comfortable with someone. Like most people would have kissed by the end of the 2nd date. Is it ok to expect that if we meet up again? I don't want to 'force' myself on her but at the same time is it better to take control and dominate a little bit?

JBeaucaire

All great concerns, legitimate, and all part of the "practice" and risk we've already discussed. In the end, YOU have to be the one to figure out the difference between moving things along at a natural pace, going too fast, or being a creepy stalker guy. That's all you watching and gently, naturally interacting with her.

You best bet is going to be watching HER. Are you scared of crossing the line because she is giving signals that you are? If not, then your own fears should be reined in.

Also, going over the line WILL be pointed out by the girl when it happens. Probably she'll tell you, or at least her demeanor will obviously change and she will seem to draw away. Don't ignore that, apologize immediately and be sincere. Don't be creepy when you apologize, either, easy to do. Simple, sincere, "Sorry, I don't mean to press you. You know I'm attracted to you. Forgive me, please. Let's go get some Gelati!"

It's not that you won't make mistakes, it's just that you need to be OK trying. Dating is skill. Talking is a skill. Being sincere is a skill. Practice, practice, practice.