Here goes nothing: I am 25. I had my first boyfriend last year. He lives in an hour from SF and I from LA. We had a long distance relationship. I used to call him and visit him as much as I could and when I would ask him to come, he would make money or work excuses as to why he couldn't. On my birthday, I went to spend my special day with him. He didn't welcome me with anything, but just to spend a few hours with him was enough. Later that day he told me that he wanted to give me a present. His present was oral sex. I said no, he begged and I said no. Later that week after returning back home. He placed a picture of him and his friend (a chick) on his profile. Very close together like if they were a couple. As I am on the air port thinking of giving him a surprise to see him before his b-day, I mentioned that his profile pic made my heart sink. He hold on to that and called me a child and said that we should be friends. I apologized and did not want to be a friend when I loved him. He insisted to be friends and I respected his decision. I suffered a lot. I never knew what a heart break was, but I felt so sad. About a month ago, he contacted me. Said that he wanted to amend what he had done and that he was an idiot for not knowing what he had (keep in mind that he has a new girl friend). I asked him what he wanted because I don't want to play games. I don't want to end up getting hurt. He swore on his dad's grave and told me not to over assume his relationship because it is not perfect. He said that if I loved him, he did too and to not keep him away. He did call me a about three times and texted me more. But I knew it was wrong. Before thanks giving, I told him how I felt about him because it is painful to love someone and not know what they want. I cried, but after that his texts stopped. I started to think that if he wanted me as he did, he would have come to me, but he didn't. And it pained me deeply because what is the point of contacting me and expressing that he wants to fix things and tell me when he comes back to me, I could show him love. This contact made my wound even deeper. And it hurts almost as the first day when he dumped me. So much that I'm tearing up as I am typing this. Just before Christmas day, I receive a text from him (just when I thought I would no hear from him again) and wishes me a wonderful christmas. Just that text hurt me so much. I don't understand. I didn't respond back, but it hurts. It hurts that his actions still hurt me so deeply. I just wish that one day I could forget about him and just not feel anything anymore. Anything to ease the pain?

You know, sometimes I wish that for one day, he could make the effort to come down and see me like I did. Just one time. But that will never happen. Neither I want a friendship because I have enough friends (even though he told me a month ago to relax because we would be more than that. How could I believe someone that tells you that when they have a girlfriend?). I am so silly.