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I have been dating someone for about 4 months. We live about 4 hours drive from each other and meet up every other weekend. He would like it to be every weekend. He also wants to speak on the phone for an hour or so every night. I simply don't feel the same need for contact. He wants me to say I missed him when I didn't! He is talking as if we are going to be together for ever and ever and wants us to make plans. He just seems to assume we will be selling up and buying a home together. I know I am not as forthcoming as him and he is actually starting to ask me to be more romantic with him - he is constantly seeking reassurance! Of course the more he asks, the more I feel like retreating. He is a lovely guy and we get on really well but I am beginning to feel smothered. And of course I feel guilty because I can't match his feelings. And I feel that I am being ungrateful because so many women complain that they can't find someone who will commit. Anyone had similar problems? What would you do?
Tell him straight up that you're feeling smothered and if he won't slow down to a pace YOU feel comfortable with, it's over. Guys like this know how to use that guilt against you, so you got to nip it in the bud. You do NOT have to feel the least bit guilty about going as slow as feels right. If he can't handle it, better to find it out now.
Wouldn't it be nice if couples would fall in love at the exact same moment? It never works that way. Usually one falls faster than the other and that is what has happened here.
Ordinary guy is right about speaking with him. You need to tell him that he is moving too fast for you. If you like the way things are going now, tell him that. Tell him that it doesn't mean that you may not want what he wants in the near future. But for now, he needs to understand that he is pushing you too hard when the relationship is too new to you and if he doesn't slow down it down a bit you will pull away. Tell him you feel smothered and you don't handle that kind of pressure very well. Reassure him that you care about him (if you do) and that you just need more time. No one should assume after such a short period of time that a person is ready to purchase a home together. That is a HUGE committment to make with anyone. Ask him to think about down the road. What if it doesn't work out? What do you do about the house? It is a lot to ask anyone to make such a big financial decision after only being together for 4 months.
If he cares about you, he will understand. Always approach heart to heart with a logical mind. No one can argue with logic.
Many thanks for you responses. You are right. It is not something I can sit on. I can't pretend and I can't magic what he wants to order. It just all came out today! I've tried giving some reassurance but now I am getting 'We are all right aren't we?' Which makes me cringe even more! Anyway, will see where we go from here. Cheers.
Well I told him I was feeling pressured and smothered. I suggested a day out together instead of the planned weekend at his place. I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to chill out and chat on neutral ground with no pressures. Instead of just going along with it and having a nice day out, he suggested making an overnight of it and booking accommodation! Sigh... He wasn't happy when I said I would prefer to just keep it to the day. I got the 'We need to talk' speech (again). I said we had already analyzed things to death on the phone and I got quite an outburst. He started shouting, calling me 'hard and uncaring'. I said I didn't have to listen to abuse and I'm afraid I put the phone down on him! I hate the fact that he is feeling hurt but maybe it's for the best? Thanks folks.
Sorry Pineapple. But for now, maybe it is for the best. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are an indepent woman. I always found that when a man seemed to listen to my concerns, and didn't adjust his behavior after the discussion, it is usually a control issue and it is not likely to get better, only worse. Personally, I got out of the relationships. I never felt I had the time or patience for that kind of behavior. Sounds like you are the same.
Whatever the outcome, good luck. You are a smart woman. Go with your gut instinct. It will never steer you wrong.
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