My Boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months and I have been living with him for almost 2. Last weekend I was waiting for him to come home from golfing and killing time before we made dinner together. I was looking up recipes on his iPad when I saw a messages icon and clicked it. I honestly don’t know why I clicked it because he has never done anything to make me suspicious or jealous at all, and I really was not expecting to find anything. However I quickly saw his iPad was linked to his phone (which he is pretty private about) and the third name down was his Ex Girlfriends name. My heart dropped and I felt sick to my stomach. SO I did what any normal human being would do and I read the messages. He had been at a concert that week with work friends and initiated conversation when he was clearly drunk and getting upset about their breakup and starting a bit of an argument. (I should note they broke up when he found out she worked as a stripper part time. This has been a sore spot for me in the past because she has come up in conversation in the past and she is a fitness model with fake boobs. Things I know he loves and I am not or don’t have, and things that make me insecure as it is). The conversation in the morning continued where she asked him to describe why Body builders liked her body so much and then he went on to describe in detail why her body was so sexy, how fun she was to toss around because she is tiny, how perfect her boobs are and how rough he likes it in bed.

After that I clicked out of that conversation I saw another girls name right below that I did not recognize and clicked on it (I had hit a full blown panic spiral by that point). This message had a lot more history and dated back as far as 5 months. The messages were not all the time, but maybe once every few weeks. I quickly picked up on the fact that she must be a waitress at a place he goes to for lunch a lot. He was asking her to send him pictures of her in her work skirt, asking for “up the skirt” shots, asking is she was going commando etc. She never sent any photos back. She did however ask him quite a few times to meet up and meet in private places or blow off Sunday family dinners (dinners I always go with him to) and it seemed like he was dancing around that as well. However she did finally send him photos when she was texting him at home in bed saying she was lonely. He asked to see a picture of her roof, and then what his view would be like. So she texts a photo of her roof, her headboard and herself lying in bed looking naked but partially covered up. He also initiated a conversation with her that night at the concert asking she was out and asked her to pick him up and take him home. She said no. The next day they joked about his hangover and then joked about threesomes.

Another thing about these conversations that disgust me is that I come up in them. The girls ask things like “How’s your girlfriend?” and he would reply “she is awesome” or “things are great”

So needless to say I was pretty upset and I confronted him. He admitted to it, said he was not sure why he initiated those texts and that they meant nothing and were stupid etc. etc. and that he would cut off al ties with them, and that I was the only one he loved etc

My trust is completely blown at this point and I am finding it hard to move on. I’m upset because of the obvious betrayal, the lying and the sneaking behind my back. However I am also sad that he even wanted to do it. Here I was walking around with rose colored glasses on thinking I couldn’t be happier with absolutely no desire to text anybody else and thinking he felt the same. Well all the while he was clearly missing something that he was not getting from our relationship and had to go seek it elsewhere.

I am also really insecure because my boyfriend talks A LOT about fake boobs and is VERY into skinny fit girls. Which is fine. I’m not saying I’m out of shape, I actually like to think I am pretty good looking, but I am not a playboy model type. His last two girlfriends were a stripper with fake boobs and a girl with an eating disorder his family calls “The Barbie” – I am none of these things and nor do I want to be. But I cant help feeling inadequate and hideous all the time, and reading him text in detail why he loved her perfect body so much just killed me.

Its only been 5 days since I first read the texts and I seem to be going though rollercoaster of emotions from thinking I am ready to forgive him to, wanting to cry to furious.

Am I an idiot for staying for trying to work this out? Has anyone got any advice for how to get past this and move on? I do love him and don’t know if I am ready to walk away.

Sincerely,

Hurt heart