My girlfriend and I have been together about a year and two months now; we certainly have our differences and from time to time I question why I put up with everything she dishes out. I will do my best to explain our differences. Religiously, I am somewhat of an agnostic. I know that something is out there. There are far too many perfect elements of our world (ie earths perfect distance from the sun, perfect molecular compounds to sustain life, perfect freezing points, etc) for it to all have happened by chance, but I hesitate to say that any certain religious God is "the" god. There is far too little proof to prove that a specific God is the one and only. Her belief is that the Christian Bible is 100% true, and takes everything written in it word for word; this of course is a major issue for us. We also at one point had a confrontation over marijuana. I smoked for about 8 years before our relationship, and was still smoking when we started dating. About 4 months into our relationship, she said that she would leave me if I kept smoking. Since I was in love with her, and knew that I didn't need marijuana, I quit. I don't personally think that marijuana is anything that can ruin a relationship or a person's life, but due to her beliefs, I let it go. However, she still looks down on my friends (some of who are extremely intelligent and hold very good occupations) and occasionally asks me how I can spend time with them knowing they smoke. The people she is referencing are some of the most genuine and intelligent people I know, so this is of course hard for me as well. And now for the curveball. About two years ago, my stepbrother was diagnosed with mouth cancer. Within the last month or so the cancer has spread throughout his whole body and he is not doing too well. When I told her about it, she was sympathetic. About a week later, she brought forth that she and her mom had talked about it, and her mom had said that it would be a great judge of my character if I did or didn't go to see him. She said she felt the same way, and distanced herself from me; not holding my hand, kissing me, or any other sign that she would be there for me. Due to my monetary situation, I can't afford to pay for the $500 ticket to visit him. I have been struggling with his condition and I told her that I felt it was unfair to be judging me during a time when I was mourning that a person that had some impacts on my life was slipping away; it's adding more stress when I don't really need it. I told her I need unconditional love and support, and not to feel like my decision (or rather ability) to go see him or not would affect our relationship. My parents (whom I know could provide the money to go) don't want me to go, because they want me to remember him how he was the last time I saw him, and not how he is now. Since then she has apologized and said she is here for me (and has re-initiated affection), but I still have a bitter taste in my mouth. I am absolutely crushed. I would love to go see him, but I can't afford to do so, and my girlfriend is judging me based on my actions. She said that my response to this situation is making her think about the big picture between myself and her, and how I will treat her if something were to happen to her. To me it seems cold and shallow for her to be thinking about herself while I'm struggling with this, but perhaps I am blinded by the whole situation with my stepbrother and I. And that is where I am at. Does anyone have any advice? Does it sound like a healthy interaction? Thank you so much!

Scleros

To me, no. I too am agnostic and generally have a live and let live attitude. I've discovered over the years that I am incompatible with religious people, Christians in particular, for the consistent theme among the ones I've interacted with is that they are unable to respect beliefs that differ from their own and cannot agree to disagree. Your girlfriend sounds like a manipulative control freak who withholds affection in order to get you to behave in a manner she finds acceptable.


Why indeed? She seems unable to respect you for you. I think you too should be thinking about the big picture between yourself and her and whether or not you are philosophically compatible and are willing to endure all the 'character' tests she and her mom can devise for you for the rest of your life. The next time she mentions leaving if you don't do X, calmly take her to the door, and open it.

JBeaucaire

I think you're both a little off...close...but still off the target.

People date to get more information about people they already like. So, your feelings for this girl should be treated as irrelevant for the sake of this discussion.

So what do you date to discover? You date to identify and agree on the BIG COMMON issues so that your future marraige has something strong to stand on OTHER than feelings/sex.

Oh my, do you see the problem here? The reason agnostics and Christians don't get along is because they BOTH are trying to convince the other they're wrong. This is a horrible thing to have to face in your own home!! Why would someone go out of their way to subject their home life to this?

You are looking for the incompatibilities between you and people you like and deciding that LIVING EVERY DAY with that difference would be intolerable. Not the PERSON is intolerable or even their belief/habit, but would the DIFFERENCE between the two of you be intolerable and create frequent intolerable situations.

People should never ignore major religious differences. This isn't about who is right or wrong, it's about being loving. When religion is important to someone they want to share their beliefs. If those beliefs differ from yours, you can stay civil and calm since you know the relationship you have with someone is fleeting and the discussion will end soon. You CAN'T think that if you're married to them. Oh my, this is just two people choosing to be mad at each other.

It's not that agnostics are laid-back, Christians are intolerable, anything like that. It's just that we choose these beliefs because they MEAN something to us. We stand on them for a reason. There's nothing to be gained by locking yourself into closeness with someone you are gauranteed to have such mortal disagreements with like religion.

It's also unnecessary. Since feelings are NOT what you base long-term decisions on, you base it commonality, don't ignore the differences you and your girl have. They're important. And respect for each other means you don't persecute unnecessarily...and if you stay together you won't be able to stop yourselves from persecuting this issue.

Will you?

N0help4u

I believe in God 100% but I am more spiritual than religious.
There is a saying "Too religiously minded to be any earthly good." (or something like that)'
Also the Bible says Matt 7:21 many will come and say Lord, Lord didn't we do all these good works in your name and He will say I never knew you." (paraphrased) The Bible says that our righteousness is as filthy rags. The Bible says, you will know them by their fruits. The Bible also says that Jesus went to the lowly and downtrodden and he scorned the pious pharisees.
You say your girlfriend claims to follow the whole Bible literally but nobody can honestly make that claim because the Bible says you have to rightly divide the word and if any one could do that then we would not have the division there is in religion. She is following more toward the letter of the law and NOT balancing it with the love.
Your girlfriend needs to realize she can not 'soul win' if she is going to be so judgmental.
I can understand her wanting you to 'be enlightened' to what she has but going about it the way she seems to be is only going to push people away and say if that is Christianity who needs it. God never said for anybody that doesn't believe in him to "clean up their act"
God never said for people who decide they do want to follow him to quit this and quit that and do not do this and don't associate with them. God wants you to accept him and believe in him and he will show your heart the changes to make. You are not even wanting to come to God so she is expecting you to live a Christless Christian life. She is putting the cart before the horse and therefore you can only be doing it "For her" Which is good but it accomplishes nothing but you always giving in to her and she should realize that should mean a lot considering you are not even married. It is nice that you are willing to compromise and do anything you can for her but it is a bit shallow and self centered on her part.


First of all personally I do not believe in holding back affection in that way because I only see it as spiteful but that is my own personal feelings on that I guess.
I think that if you are able to get the money and discuss it with your family go and see him because even if him healthy is not your last memory of him you will still have both memories although I think it could be really hard on you emotionally so I think you would have to weight that decision out on your own and follow your heart.
I can see her thinking well if he is supportive of his brother then I must have a very thoughtful, loving, caring guy that I should cherish more than I do but if that is the way she said it and it wasn't within context of more concern toward your brother then I can see where you felt it was cold and shallow.

Be open to 'knowing there is more out there' and follow your heart.

Fr_Chuck

Dating is a time when a couple finds if there is enough commom elements to make a relastionship work, What will your beleifs be about raising a child christian, she will not want you to teach them your beliefs. What will you do when she wants you to go to church at least on Christmas and Easter.

Now for the criminals you hang with, this can be just a standard moral issue and a beleif that drugs and illegal ( oh they are) and that they can be bad for you, ( ok I want to make pot legal, the day it is I will light up, untill that day, I was still arresting people who used it )

So she does not want you to get arrested, and wants you to stay away form people who use illegal drugs, I can't see one issue there, that is what you shoul be wanting to do to, it is called not breaking the law.

Ok, here comes that "holyer than thous" that just ticks me off. They are now judging you on what they feel is right or wrong, Did they offer to pay that ticket for you, not very Christian of them if they think it is so important you go, Now you need to call alot, but no, there is no Christian requirement you visit a sick brother

And you are right, I think I would have told her alot more, first she is allowing her mother to control her, second, I would ask why they are not buying my ticket or asking if they can drive me.
And while there is limits on what she has to accept, things you do illegal, she may still love you, but may not want to stay with you, but she is fully wrong here

Now your parents here are wrong, it is not thier opinoin, if you want to go, and your memory will be him dead in the coffin, and knowing you could not see them because they would not let you have the money, For that I give two thumbs down to your parents

Ok, time for you to do the christian thing (ok, take the high road)

I will assume she is young and was getting bad advice from mom ( something to watch for future) But you and her will both make mistakes, and as you date, you learn to grow and work things out

Tell you that she is not a brother but a love and that she is judging you for not having money, and I would still ask why she has not paid for it if it was that important. But now I would ask parents for the money, they should be sending it to you to go.

Homegirl 50

It sounds like you guys are just not well suited.
If you find yourself quibbling over the same things having disagreements over the same things, It might be better to just call it a day before you end up not being able to stand each other. Sometimes you are just not a match. That is what the dating process is about.

Hawk035s

Well, the first and most important point to your issue is the fact that blood is ALWAYS thicker than water. I personally would drop anything I was doing and find a way to see your brother he is "family" if she does not understand that, and I am in no way bad mouthing your girlfriend what so ever but she has a very bland family life. As for her with your friends the only reason she does not want you to see them is because I think it is a way of telling you that she wants to spend all her time and all your time with you which is great. I can tell you from experience because I was with a girl for 3 years/ the mother of my child and she was the same way with my friends you need to sit down and explain to her that just because they do those things doesn't mean you have to also, if you are into that then you need to set some rules with her and let her know up front that doing that is who you are and if she wants to be with you and love you then she needs to understand. Maybe if your going to be with them make sure you set it up through her first to let her know she is the most important part of your decision.

in a state

dump the b1tch,she's crazy
excuse me if i said too much but i am outraged
and she's no Christian,that's BS.she just believes that if you smoke pot,you go to hell.if she were a true Christian,she would believe in Love and compassion& be by your side when you need it.instead,she's ing about it.You're facing a tragedy and she gossips about it with mummy,is paranoid,like it's about her.
Ugh,disgusting
i'm sorry about your stepbrother
really,i would get rid of her and try to find someone else with who i'd make a deeper connection,a spiritual one,based on understanding,tollerance,friendship.someone who has the same vibes as you do.HARMONY
and find a job improve your life,as you can see,it's fragile

best wishes