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i recently divorced after 22 years of marriage and jumped rather quickly into an apt i couldnt afford and had to sell stocks and 410 to make it. i was introduced to a guy who is also divorced (has 2 children 7 & 9) he has the kids every other weekend and on wednesdays we have been together for 9 months. he saw that i was struggling and asked me to move in after dating 4 months. he originally was really nice and said don't pay anything until I am on my feet again. he makes 4 times what I make. I have a truck i cant afford and cant trade in because i am upside down by $9000 thanks to the economy. i got a new job which pays me $300 a month more but still am struggling. he now wants $500 a month rent and he will pay groceries and utilities, house etc. i told him i wasn't buying anything else if i give him that. he says that i am using him if I dont pay him anything to live there and i understand that, but i feel he is using me because when his kids come over i do their laundry, his laundry, cook, clean and everything else a maid would do. what should i do. i want to move into my own apt but can't afford to right now.
next time he wants sex, make it 200 bucks he may get the point.
First you did not say how much the apartment is costing if the apartment is 3000 a month, then 500 is not that much, ?? but it sounds like you need to get on a better budget and sit down with him and work it out
Pay him what he asks if you can. Do no chores that benefit him at all. Or, find out what it would cost him to have a maid or nanny do the work and subtract that from your rent.
Maybe you could sit down and talk with him and work out something more reasonable, like 2 or 300 a month. I agree with Fr_Chuck, you should definately get a financial plan down. Obviously I don't know how you live, but you'd be surprised how much you can save by skipping that starbucks latte every day and painting your own nails rather that going to get them done, that sort of thing.
On the issue of treating you like a maid, there's two ways i can see it. Either you're not used to doing normal household chores that come with 2 kids (perhaps you don't have children yourself, or maybe they are grown now) and you find it odd that e would want you to do their laundry, etc, or he really is treating you more like the help than a girlfriend. Now he seems like a nice enough person for letting you move in, but then again he may have utlerior motives, I don't know. Forgive me, and maybe you're just letting off steam and consiquently complaining about everything, but it seems like you don't want to have to do household chores and you don't want to pay to live there, so you seem to just be mooching. Maybe his intentions were to let you keep te money you would normally pay to rent for a few months so you could get back ahead and be more financially stable and now you are just in the same position even though you said yourself you have more money. Then again he could have just seen you as week and thought he could control you better from under his thumb. I'm not trying to judge you, I promise, but sometimes it takes someone else to point out things we haven't seen, so don't just scoff at this, but really think about it and be honest with yourself. Are you using him? Or is he using you? Deep down you know the answer to that already, I'm sure.
That is why I asked the general public to get all kinds of views. I have a teenager and only child who lives with my ex (she didnt want to leave her school). They get along alot better and he could afford the house payment and I just wanted to be free of responsibility to be quite honest. I did it all and want no one else to lean on me ever again. Sorry if it seems selfish but I have lived my life for everyone else that last 22 years and it is time to think of myself for a change. Yes, he is a very nice person for letting me move in but I do feel sometimes that it is a control thing. We are both Leo's and butt heads sometimes. I dont take his S*** and he doesnt take mine either. I don't have my nails painted by anyone, do anything myself that I can before paying for it and shop at the goodwill for work clothes. I try to talk to him about the finances but he just brags about how he pays everything on time and has never had a late payment on anything and gets mad at me when I try to explain my finances to him and shakes his head.....so I dont tell him anymore, just suffer and then ignore him sometimes when he acts like that. maybe i should just move out...
I understand not wanting to start over with little ones again after just having gotten through with your older child. It seems like there isn't much good in this relationship. Sure, he pays for things that you can't, but other than that he's got responsibilities that you don't want to take on, and by all rights you shouldn't have to if you don't want to. If things went any further, you would have to take on those responsibilities as a step mother. You butt heads. He sometimes tries to control you. And most importantly of all if he thinks he's better than you, then he's not respecting you like you should be respected. I'd say find a place you can afford without doing any more damage to your retirement funds and try being friends, or if you're not that emotionally attached, just dump him. It seems that you two are not what each other are looking for. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the way the cookie crumbles ;-).
smokedetector:
If the guy is doing all of her laundry, the kid's laundry and all of the chores, then asking her for rent is appropriate? The issue is deeper than who does what and who pays for which. The question is about drowning in poverty and being taken advantage of.
Annabelle: Your boyfriend sounds like he is high on himself.
One issue is that he changed the game rules after you moved in. He told you not to pay for anything until you got back on your feet, but now wants you to pay rent. You both may have different view points as to what constitutes being "back on your feet".
You have a few choices....pay it and continue on as you have been. Rework the arraignments....taking in how you contribute by what you do to help out, what you can contribute financially (some couples find each providing a percentage of their income works better), decide if you are a couple or are you "roommates" (the determination can play a role in who does what and how the finances are handled), etc......or find an inexpensive place on your own....which would allow you complete control over your own finances.
I would like to thank everone for their input and by all means keep going. You have given me much to think about. I decided this morning to put it in writing- a contract say...I would offer him $300.00 rent and do all the laundry, cooking and running his small internet business.....what do you think? By the way, his kids and I get along very well and my daughter adores them as well. It is not their fault- they are just children! He is high on himself and I told him that last night. He did change the rules and I told him to make up his mind so if it is in writing, I think that would be better. We are a very good couple, have tons in common and are both a little stubborn but we will work through that. Keep the comments coming, it really helps and the truth is what i want to hear because it can only make you stronger!
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