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My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and the issue of money in our relationship has not really improved. Ever since the first date, we have split everything 50/50 (we met for a few drinks on our first date, and yes, I bought him as many as he bought me). Although we don't split the cost of every little drink or every dinner, it evens out as he'll pay for one evening out, and I'll pay for the next. I wouldn't have a problem splitting the cost if we made the same amount of money, but we don't! Not even close! I'm a school teacher who paid my way through college and graduate school (and is now stuggling to pay back the loans) while he works for a major financial firm in Manhattan and makes good money (and has not a single loan nor credit card). He just got a mid-year bonus in addition to his end of the year bonus! Still, he expects everything to be 50/50. We are moving in together soon, and I'm afriad this might not be the best thing for our relationship. The apartment we found costs 1550/month on Long Island. That's exactly what he pays for his studio in Manhattan now. The apartment I live in now costs me 800/month. He wants to split the rent 50/50, but that would mean that he's saving $775/month by moving in together, and I'd be saving $25/month by moving in together. In the end, he'd be saving so much, and I'd still be struggling to make ends meet. He's also not planning on getting a car once he leaves the city, so I'd have the only car which of course he would use yet not pay a dime for! Owning a car costs me almost 600/month! Don't you think that's unfair? He's fully aware of my financial situation, but he doesn't seem to care. As a teacher, my summer paychecks are given to me in one lump sum on the last day school. Due to unforseen costs such as a broker fee, security deposit, and first months rent on our new place ( we weren't planning on moving in together so soon, but the perfect apartment became available) not to mention all the gas and toll money I've spent driving him around and back to the city on Sundays (He's given me $40 total towards this all year - those of you who are drivers know that's nothing!) I've had to resort to getting a credit card just to make it through the summer, yet he'll let me rack of the credit card billswhile he socks away his money! Its really sad. I work really hard, yet I have nothing to show for it. Anyway, I don't want to make him sound like a terrible boyfriend because he's actually the most loving, affectionate person I've ever met. He's just weird about money. Self - centered almost! I think this stems from him being an only child and being spoiled growing up! So, Is my boyfriend cheap, or am I just crazy! Please help!
I've worked in finance and I can tell you most of these guys do this. Sometimes they change but sometimes they don't he sounds like the unchanging type.
BUT you need to talk to him NOW. There is no need for you to go into debt because he wants to split 50/50. I'd tell him I have no problem paying my share but i don't think its fair to go 50/50 our costs should be based on what we can afford.
I have to say that if he is firm and won't budge on how things are paid you need to look at this and say do I want to do this for the next 50 years? While the rest of your relationship is great you have problems with finances in your relationship and you aren't even marred. The number one reason people get divorced is over money. You are looking at a long hard road here. So you get married and he wants to buy a house and for the down payment you need $50,000 well where is your half? Do you see where this is going? you need to figure out if this relationship is worth you sinking deeper and deeper into debt.
No, they are not all like that. I worked with lots who were very generous to their girlfriends and wives. It all depends on the guy. Some of them have this attitude that its their money and they don't have to give their girlfriend anything or they don't want some chick using them for their money.
But he can afford to let it go. He is the worst type of Wall Street guy really imbodies that Wall Street D*ck image, if you know what I mean.
Also remember that he doesn't think this is a problem because money is NOT a problem for him. To you it is an issue, I used to live in Westchester in NY and I KNOW how much teachers in that neck of the woods make and I've worked with finance guys and I know how much they make. You have to make this an issue if you think the relationship is worth salvaging. Because right now all he is thinking is "well I can afford it why can't she?" even though he knows how much you make.
He isn't cheap and your not Crazy, you both have a different way of looking at life that needs to be worked out before you move in together or it will split you up.
Something to think about... To me moving in together means you Love each other as much as you would if you where to get married, if not then you don't need to be moving in together. When you get together (married / living together) what you have is his and what he has is yours. If its not that way then your not ready to move in together.
There are two types of "cheap"ppl.
One type: cheap to themselves and others
The other: cheap to others but not to himself.
Is he the second type?
Seem to me, he is.
We call it "selfish".
I don't think u should just leave him by this, but do talk this out with him. I know u already, but u know why women talks twice than men in words. WE HAVE TO REPEAT!
HI ... You are not crazy but your boyfriend is stingy & cheap...I think you should not move to live with him as he is taking advantage of you ...actually i do not think continuing such a relationship is in your favour especially after you had said that he knows your financial situation, it means that he is SELFISH thinks/cares for himself only...and I think the main core of any relationship is sharing everything, supporting each other, wich is not there in your relationship.
Thank you all so much for responding! I think I should have added in my original posting that I talked to him about the rent issue and convinced him split the rent so that he'd be paying 900/month and I'd pay 650/month. I thought that was a little more fair although I couldn't understand why he couldn't see that it was unfair in the first place. I think Denis777 is right when he says that maybe he's not cheap, maybe we just have a different way of looking at things. He tells me all of the time that I'm "the one," and that we're going to get married, and in every other aspect of our relationship he's so kind. He's just not the type of guy that wants to take care of a girl financially. I remember when we first started dating he kept saying to me "I like you so much because you're so much different than all of these Manhattan girls who just expect to be taken out on expensive dates all of the time." It was true. I didn't expect to be taken out on expensive dates all of the time because we were just getting to know each other, and I think that dating can get very expensive for men. When we started dating more seriously however, I thought this would change, and he'd want to do nice things for the girl he loved. For our one year anniversary, he didn't get me anything. It was strange too because a few days before I told him that I couldn't wait for him to see what I got him for our anniversary, and his response was that he couldn't wait to see it either. He should have at least warned me that he didn't get me anything. Not even a card! He never gets me cards because apparently there are no card stores in Manhattan (????). Its all very strange. Does anybody think he'll change once he makes more money?
To be honest, I don't think he is going to change. If he didn't do anything special for your first year anniversary then he is only thinking of himself and not your feelings. With this my thoughts have changed a little and his way of thinking is more on the line of selfish then being thrifty with his money.
Please give this a lot of thought before you move in together. It could be that he is wanting a live in maid more then a wife. Any time people want to move in together and not share everything together i find that it only leads to problems down the road.
Denniss777 is absolutely right. He will not change and he is already making TONS of money. In fact it may only get worse the more money he makes. He probably sees you are the one because you are not chasing his wallet.
But as I said before if you marry him be prepared to live a lifetime of splitting the cost of everything. He clearly cannot even spend a dime on you. That is out and out selfish. I've dated guys who have made less then me and they would insist on paying and would still get me small gifts on birthdays or holidays.
I would put the brakes on moving in together for right now and really spend some time talking to him about money. Because like all of us have said money is the number one thing to end a marriage.
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