Originally Posted by Stellaw
Your relationship with her will not work out if you won't forget that she lied to you.
Do you want that? Do you want her to be in your life or not? Appreciate her
courage for telling you all about her mistakes in the past.
I have been doing some more thinking about the question starting this thread and this bit of advice.
It is not lying for a person to not want to share everything about their past. It is a privacy issue. Some people choose to share everything. Others for their own reasons need time to open up and even then still keep some information to themselves. It is their right.
For some people healing from past relationships means putting thoughts of the ex-parters firmly behind them. To think about the memories is to keep the wound open. It also invites the mental 'ghost' of the ex into the current relationship.
It is not the right of the current partner to know everything. If they feel like the past is intruding on the current relationship, they can respectfully ask if there are issues. However, it is not their right to demand answers from someone who doesn't feel comfortable sharing. If the current partner cannot accept their partner's need for patience and time to open up, then they can back off or walk away.
By demanding answers, they run the risk of the other person telling them what they appear to want to hear and that may not be the truth. It may be embellishments to make the person stop asking. That usually only leads to more questions. It is better to walk away instead of 'giving in'. 'Giving in' only feeds the insecurity shown by the current partner. For the current partner, confusion and insecurity come from within. They have to accept that some things are out of their control. If they can't then the relationship probably will not be healthy or survive for very long.
Stellaw brings up lying in the relationship. That is very different from not talking about events that happened before the partners became involved with each other. If a person cannot be open about their comings and goings especially if it is about their work, then there is something wrong. When someone lies about one thing such as where they are going, it leads to questioning how truthful they are about other matters. Some people can work through the lies but many times there is still damage left behind.
People who tell lies to get what they want usually do not stop. They may change from lying about where they are and start making things up in other ways such as to garner attention if they feel like they aren't getting what they need. The liar has to be very careful that they can put the behavior behind them. The partner has to be able to let the damage heal. They have to be able to work together to rebuild the trust.