[Intell]

I'm single dad w/3kids since 2000. The mother is a bi-polar & acute alcoholic. She has not lived up to her visitation schedule in over 2 years. She has a history of canceling visitation at the last minute or not showing up and her excuses are always suspicious. My 18 yr old son is doing okay but not firmly rooted yet emotionally. He really doesn't want to talk to his mom anymore and avoids her. My 16 yr old son is really spiraling into the great abyss seemingly of no return. My 12 yr old daughter is okay but is suffering (like always) that her mother will really never be there for her and has let her down in so many ways. She never had a mom who cared and has left a deficit that will never be filled. All kids have had post divorce therapy with a child Psychologist since 2000 with some good results.

Going back to my 16 yr old son’s problems, after he started working Part Time (his first job) he met up with older teens (18) & (19) then started to smoke the big M and experimented with Booze. He then changed everything about himself; mannerisms, dress, grades plummeted, withdrew from life. He now doesn't come home when expected stays away from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening and most times doesn't call home. He walks out the door whenever he wants (for the most part) and doesn't inform me of his whereabouts. He has been in trouble in school with not showing up and 1 assault on a student. He continues to get Fs in core subjects and doesn't feel any remorse for his actions.

When I call his friends' parents and give them a rundown of what he is doing he actually threatened to tell police that I'm abusive in this way; "If you do that again I'll tell police that you are abusive and then you will be in trouble, I know how the system works and I can make your life miserable -so back off daddio!"

My 18 year old is resentful that his younger brother takes off and goes where he wants. My 12 yr old daughter is starting to demonstrate early characteristics of independence, and has said I can't control a 16 yr old and is sort of resentful because those two don't get along.

After looking into help here and there finding there is little legal recourse in these matters I'm at the end of my ropes! Help!

[450donn]

It sounds from your description that you need some family counselling. The 16 yo should also get into some therapy to help him cope with the emotional problems. Do this before it becomes a major problem.

[sgatzmom1988]

I am kind of wondering why you don't enable to court system to work with you. He is 16 years old, you can try and get a PINS ( person in need of supervision) order for him. Especially as seeing that even with counseling this is not helping. The therapist should be able to provide you with guidance in this area if they think this maybe helpful. It requires a lot of work on your part as well as his. I have seen it work for many people, but I am not going to lie, I have seen it fail as well.
For some reason he seems to think that he can rule the roost, that too is something that needs to stop. I am sure it is very difficult to play mom and dad for him, and the others but he clearly is calling out for help.
I went through similar things with my oldest daughter when her father and I divorced. I totally understand your position of caring, concern for the child but the other children will be affected by the middle child's actions.

[chasitylove7189]

I was that 16 yr old you have described now I am 18 going to college and have 2 jobs because I had a child at 17... I am in the beginging of becoming a doctor... as you described your problem so did my father... he sent me to live in a school in Wisconsin and that was the best thing he could have ever done for me

[Fr_Chuck]

I had a teen ( think he was 15 at the time) we arranged though the courts for boot camp for him, he came back with a lot of yes sir and no sir.

Also if he does not obey, no car, no computer, no music players and more.

[twinkiedooter]

If his mother was bipolar it sounds like since he's taken up smoking dope and drinking, whatever genes he's inherited from her are starting to surface now. That condition is inheritable in some cases. It can prove to be a lifetime of horror for the suffers also.

By all means, please try to stop his self destructive behavior before he's gotten himself put away behind bars in some prison for something he'd probably never think of doing if he wasn't using drugs or booze.

He needs some direction in his life as well as solid rules. Having the part time job and hanging around older kids has kind of ruined him for now. He thinks he's older too and can do as they do not realizing he is a minor. He's not going to like it one bit and may possibly "call the cops on you" should you push him too far. But guess what, the "cops" are going to be on your side (that is if you haven't been in the habit of striking him or hitting him, etc) if this is just a power struggle between the two of you over who is the adult and who is the child.

By all means, do not have the mother around your children as she is not a very good influence and seems to upset them. Keep her away if you can. She may claim she wants visitation, but in the end not showing up repeatedly is something a bipolar would do. Their erratic behavior can be maddening to put it mildly and her drinking only exacerbates the problem at hand. You may want to speak to her privately and tell her to "back off" for awhile about seeing the kids. Be as diplomatic as possible with her though as bipolars can get real mean real quick and turn on you for any and no reason (as I am sure you have already experienced with her).

Try doing things as a family and get your 16 year old involved with the activity. If he likes sports take him to a game - just you and him and have a good time with him there. Start being a father AND a good friend. Talk to him daily about what is he doing in school, etc. Start listening to him also. That's the important part. Be there for him... don't just talk to him but listen as well. I know it's hard not to nag when they're that age, but nagging never solves anything. Don't have unreasonable rules either. Just sensible rules for him to follow. Does he have his own car? If so, does he pay for everything regarding the car himself or do you pay for it all?

Don't let him push you around emotionally either, but don't be confrontational with him all the time.

Talk to the child psychologist about him and see what actions you can take. Your 12 year old daughter has a bad case of disappointment that is not going to change as her mother will never be there for her. I don't know if you are very familiar with bipolars and how they see the world around them. All of them are so into themselves, vain, extremely selfish, uncaring about anyone else, dead emotionally, etc. You love them but can't stand them. You pity them for being emotionally dead inside but don't understand them. They don't understand themselves either so don't bang your head against a wall thinking it was your fault about any of this. It wasn't and isn't.

You are a good dad to your children. Lots of bipolar parents cannot and do not know how to parent children as they are not responsible individuals. She is not alone in "dumping" her kids on you. I can't think of any bipolar woman who has not "dumped" her kids on the children's father or relatives and then went her merry way doing whatever she wants to in her life. It's becoming an epidemic lately what these women have been doing to their children.

Keep your feet on the ground and your head on straight and you'll come out ahead with your son.