My daughter had a child at 17 years old. Me and my beautiful wife have supported them until a few months ago. They moved out. My daughter has not held a real job ever, so they are financially poor. She has recently been diagnosed with a Anxiety/depression disorder. Because of her unstable emotions and financial problems we have taken our grandson back to live with us (this is with my daughters blessing). I keep telling her to get a real job and her financial stress will go away, she says she will but it never happens. We are making car payments for her and giving her cash for gas and whatever the new emergency is at the time. This is putting financial stress on me and my wife. We still have a son in high school as well. She constantly calls my wife and screams and es about every little thing in her life. This has caused major stress for her. It has come to the point that the financial stress and the constant tension has affected me. As my daughter was ranting about how broke she was and going to pawn the camera we bought her for x-mas, I said that getting a job at the local coffee shop was more dignafied than pawning a camera. This caused my wife to blow up at me for not being sensative enough to her condition and I say the wrong things. How can I tell her to get off her lazy butt and get a job, yet at the same time be sensative to her condition?
Let me say that I am sorry you are in such a position, it must be hard, I am sure.
Now, you must understand that you are enabling her by giving her money, paying for cars and gas, etc. She will never get a job if you continue to support her. I speak from experience.
Some people use their "condition" as a crutch. I know it sounds harsh, and it is, but she needs to face reality, so did my husband. If you want to help her, offer to pay for her meds and her doctor's appointments, but other than that she must do for herself.
I can't tell you how many things my husband pawned, and lost, as well as how many dollars his parents shelled out to enable his dependant behavior (I don't even want to imagine it honestly), but once the money is cut off for everything but the meds and the doctors, she will be forced to face reality and get a job.
It sounds terrible, and it is (well sort of), but something has to give here...you have given and given, and now are raising her child. Sometimes there is no better love than tough love.
The best you can do is emotionally support, love and encourage her to do what is responsible. As long as you have the child I am not sure I would continue supporting your daughter financially though. She just may need to learn that she has to be responsible for her own financial obligations the hard way.
She can go on medications for her anxiety/depression that can help her to become more stable mentally to go get a job. Unfortunately you simply can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. You are in a tough spot. All you can do is your best and it sounds like you are.
As a Grampa myself, Currently Taking care of my Grandaughter. I feel your pain.
I was on my own since about 15, Started by washing dishes, $50.00@week studio apt,
plus, where you wash dishes, they usually have food(money saved), put a little away to save for a motorcycle, Ended up cooking for Wayne Newton, Jerry Lewis, Mohamid Ali,
Ike and Tina Turner, Many interesting People. I refused to ask my family for help, even during the worst of times. I Must be very Stubborn(It can be good and Bad)
I know people in their 40's still at home, Waiting for someone to leave them something.
I know you love her, the load and stess is more than deserved. When my girlfriends daughter (25)was having problems, let her stay with us while her boyfriend was in Prison,
She had $2000.00+ dollars saved, and we figured if she stayed with us rent free, she could save up for a nice reliable car with A/C (More for the baby than for her)Didn't mind helping. With him gone, She had Temporary Zanax problem, spent all the money, got a DUI, We refused to let her disrupt our home. Since, She now has a good job, drivers license. $5000.00 saved for a new car. She is doing better because she knows she has to. It is easier to move slowy forward, than to climb out of doing nothing. She does need to get on her own, Easier said than done. And finding a job that she enjoys or looks forward to. I think People are creature of habit, If you keep getting help whenever you need,
you will just keep needing help, If you have no help, you know it is up to you.
I am a 50 year old grampa. Some one who has been a granpa longer, will probably have some good advice. She needs to grow some wings, and you may need to throw out of nest, she needs to learn to fly. Like it or not You will be there to catch her. Try not to let her know that. Getting older should be getting Easier(Ithought) Good Luck
Of course she will not get a job, she has gotten mom welfare to count on. If she needs money, why work, threaten to sell something or jsut let mom and dad pay for it. Give her a date, no more money, if she loses the car, to bad, You will have to make her grow up,
And when the son grows up, will he now expect you to pay for his car, his insurnace and so on.
Give her 30 or 60 days and let that be it, period, hard but let her know the free ride is over.
Do you have legal guardianship of the child? If not, I would get that first, as she could take the baby anytime she feels like it, and may do it to force you into supporting her again if you stop the cash flow. Sue for custody or guardianship, maybe she would agree to it without a fight. The tell her she has to get her act together and that you are not supporting her anymore. Good luck.
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