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    MOM IN PAIN's Avatar
    MOM IN PAIN Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 4, 2005, 03:53 PM
    Why Does My Son Hate Me?
    I really have had it with the disrespect, fighting, etc... It seems no matter how hard I try all we do is fight. He is 16 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really think he hates me. It seems nothing I can do is right. No matter how nice I am he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I harp on him too much so I tried to stop that, still he is rude. He won't come out of his room, in order to see him I have to go to him and when I do that he gets mad cause I am in his business. I seem to be the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad, girlfriend, everyone except me. I just don't know anymore. I even would consider leaving myself just to make him happy if I had anywhere to go. Maybe just killing myself would work, then he would be rid of me and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
    tjr's Avatar
    tjr Posts: 70, Reputation: 2
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    #2

    Aug 4, 2005, 04:42 PM
    Get a grip
    I think you really need to wake up .Your son sounds like the typical teenage
    that most teens are,you need to realize that nothing you do is going to change his attitude but time.You sound like a nice ,concerned parent but
    Even contemplating suicide because of someone else's opinion,even if it's
    Family,is disturbing.
    I have a couple of questions 1 are you his real mother? 2 what does your husband do when he witnesses the boy's disrespect?
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
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    #3

    Aug 5, 2005, 08:50 AM
    Son
    Hi,
    You have hit part of the problem on "the head"... being nice to him.
    If you are doing nothing but "being nice to him", have you tried being stern, not so nice, with him?
    A 16 yr old can be quite hateful; and needs to understand that you will NOT tolerate it anymore.
    Take away his phone, his TV, and ground him for a couple of weeks. Tell him you are NOT putting up with his attitudes any longer. Lay down the law with him... He really can't "hate" you any more than he does now.
    You may have tried too much kindness. Show him YOU are the boss, NOT him.
    If all else fails, get him into a car, and go talk with a professional counselor.
    Best of luck,

    fredg
    MOM IN PAIN's Avatar
    MOM IN PAIN Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 5, 2005, 03:04 PM
    Thank You
    Thank you for reading my post. I know in my head everything you are saying is true and as for killing myself I don't really think I could do it. I guess I have just made him my world and I don't know how to change that. To ansewer questions 1. yes, I am his real mom and 2. His dad works a lot and really only see's him at night and on weekends. Sometimes I do feel as if I am an only parent but I don't see that as an excuse. There are plenty of only parents in this world, I'm not any different then them.


    I know he is trying to individualize and that means he wants time alone, he wants to make his own decisions and suffer his own consequences and if I were a good mother I would be able to deal with that. Somedays I can, most days I can't and we end up in a fight and I think sometimes he smarts off and acts like he does because I am smothering him. See, I know what is going on but in the heat of the moment I loose it. I know 16 years into it is a little late to say I don't think I can handle this but I am really starting to think I can't.
    Insane's Avatar
    Insane Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Aug 5, 2005, 04:57 PM
    As parents we all go through it
    I am sorry your son is so disrespectful, this is the worst thing for a parent to have to deal with. As parents we feel guilty when they hurt or are upset or just about anything. When my daughter was a teenager we went through some really rough times, I spent a lot of time crying. I can't count how many times she said she hated me. I stuck by her and continued to guide her and gave her lots of love. The key is not to let them have the control, stick to your decisions. This must have worked because she is 22 now, very responsible and not to mention respectful. We now have a very close relationship, we share everything and she always comes to me when she needs someone. I am now facing my son, he is only 8 but he has the same personality. Lesson learned, I am tougher on him.
    Just be strong hang in there. Before you know it he will be out of this phase, although it sometimes seems you will never get through it. We can only hope there is no involvement with drugs. A lot of times teenagers just get so confused and feel a lot of pressure, from school, peers, just the idea of living up to everyone's expectations, and as his mom he may feel he has let you down most of all. Without knowing your situation it is very hard to know what could be creating his anger toward you.
    Good luck, I am sure everything will be fine in time.
    beme's Avatar
    beme Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Sep 24, 2005, 10:56 AM
    hello,first it isn't your falt you need to ask simple Questions :1st am I a good mother:2nd did I do something wrong:3rd why is he mad at me:and last pray ask god for your help ask tell me why he is mad.if any questions [email protected]
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
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    #7

    Sep 25, 2005, 04:43 AM
    Son
    Hi,
    I am glad you mentioned the fact the your Husband is away most of the time; or doesn't get too involved in these problems with your son.
    You really need to talk with the Social Services or a similar service in your local area. They can guide you as to what to do. They can also set up someone to come to your home, and talk with the son.
    It's NOT your fault, you are NOT to blame, for the way he is acting. Many children growing up with only one parent around most of the time, have problems. It's takes a "family" to live together, and respect each other, normally.
    I would look in your local phone book, and call the Social Services people. Make an appointment to talk with someone. Help is available for you, just seek it out.
    Your son will not go with you for Professional counseling, so it's time you took the next step; have someone come to your son, at your direction and iniative. It can also be done through the Courts.
    If you don't act now, your son will continue with his disrectful attitudes, and it will only get worse; spreading out into his relations with other people, if not already.
    Best of luck,
    fredg
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
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    #8

    Oct 3, 2005, 04:21 AM
    Old Post
    Hi,
    Did anyone check the date of this original posting?? Aug 4??
    This thread is too old to be replying to now!!
    fredg
    Opine's Avatar
    Opine Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    May 2, 2007, 08:13 PM
    Sometimes its easier to think that your kid is responsible enough to do all of lifes chores because its easier than having to carry the responsibilities yourself. Constant consistent involvement in your kids life is the only way to understand them. They will be ty as teens, remember? If a solid foundation is laid, the teenage years will at least be not so misunderstood.
    Opine's Avatar
    Opine Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    May 2, 2007, 08:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MOM IN PAIN
    I really have had it with the disrespect, fighting, etc... It seems no matter how hard I try all we do is fight. He is 16 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really think he hates me. It seems nothing I can do is right. No matter how nice I am he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I harp on him too much so I tried to stop that, still he is rude. He won't come out of his room, in order to see him I have to go to him and when I do that he gets mad cause I am in his business. I seem to be the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad, girlfriend, everyone except me. I just don't know anymore. I even would consider leaving myself just to make him happy if I had anywhere to go. Maybe just killing myself would work, then he would be rid of me and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
    ALso, saying you want to kill yourself sounds like a 16 yr olds line.
    Worrier's Avatar
    Worrier Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Aug 23, 2007, 04:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MOM IN PAIN
    I really have had it with the disrespect, fighting, etc... It seems no matter how hard I try all we do is fight. He is 16 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really think he hates me. It seems nothing I can do is right. No matter how nice I am he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I harp on him too much so I tried to stop that, still he is rude. He won't come out of his room, in order to see him I have to go to him and when I do that he gets mad cause I am in his business. I seem to be the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad, girlfriend, everyone except me. I just don't know anymore. I even would consider leaving myself just to make him happy if I had anywhere to go. Maybe just killing myself would work, then he would be rid of me and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
    I read your questions and felt your pain. The only difference in your questions and mine are is that son is almost 31 years old. He is married with two children now. I let him go live with his father at almost 16 at his request. He lives close to his dad and his wife is close to her mother. When they married, my son said he and his wife would make a special effort to visit me since they would see so much of the other parents. That's been five years ago, and I might get one visit a year from them as a couple. I see him a little more often because he comes out to hunt deer on our property. I have a master's degree and am a manager for a Federal Agency; however, my son seems to delight in trying to make me feel stupid and petty. I am about ready to call it quits with him. He is respectful to my husband (his stepfather), can be delightful around his friends, but I'm the one he says ugly things about. I have been so good to him and his family, but I think something must be wrong with him. My alcoholic mother used to treat me the same way, but she died before he ever knew her. I wonder if it could be genetic. I have thought about killing myself to but, thank goodness, I know that's not the answer for me nor you. Your son will grow up and be out of the house one day -- at least you'll get some peace from that. If my situation doesn't change, I know I can live without him if I have to. I choose not to be a doormat to anyone, including my son.
    vickithomas247's Avatar
    vickithomas247 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Aug 27, 2007, 05:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MOM IN PAIN
    I really have had it with the disrespect, fighting, etc... It seems no matter how hard I try all we do is fight. He is 16 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really think he hates me. It seems nothing I can do is right. No matter how nice I am he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I harp on him too much so I tried to stop that, still he is rude. He won't come out of his room, in order to see him I have to go to him and when I do that he gets mad cause I am in his business. I seem to be the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad, girlfriend, everyone except me. I just don't know anymore. I even would consider leaving myself just to make him happy if I had anywhere to go. Maybe just killing myself would work, then he would be rid of me and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
    You know, I can sympathize with you. I have pretty much been a single parent for 16 years. I have recently realized that because I was the "only" in my children's life for so long, they became my "only" too. Basically I became co-dependant on my children. As they grew up, and didn't need me so much anymore.. I started getting angry at them because of it. It would show up as me being mad over crazy things, but essentially it was just me being lonely. So, my suggestion is this: get a hobby, let your son have his own time. Eventually he will come back around and your relationship will still be intact. Definitely stay involved in his life, don't get me wrong. But you need to get a life all just your own.
    IntroducingEmy's Avatar
    IntroducingEmy Posts: 87, Reputation: 12
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    #13

    Aug 28, 2007, 11:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Opine
    ALso, saying you want to kill yourself sounds like a 16 yr olds line.
    I didn't want to say it but I agree with Opine. Suicide is a very serious issue and using it to glove your answers or play the pity party won't get you or your son the help your seeking. Perhaps your insecurities about the situation are rubbing off on him and he's lashing back to express his anxiety?

    If you are serious about suicide, he could feel the tension and/or depression and not know how to respond accordingly. Sorry to reply harshly but it was bugging me.
    Maybaby100's Avatar
    Maybaby100 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Aug 30, 2007, 09:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by MOM IN PAIN
    I really have had it with the disrespect, fighting, etc... It seems no matter how hard I try all we do is fight. He is 16 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really think he hates me. It seems nothing I can do is right. No matter how nice I am he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I harp on him too much so I tried to stop that, still he is rude. He won't come out of his room, in order to see him I have to go to him and when I do that he gets mad cause I am in his business. I seem to be the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad, girlfriend, everyone except me. I just don't know anymore. I even would consider leaving myself just to make him happy if I had anywhere to go. Maybe just killing myself would work, then he would be rid of me and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
    Its completely regular. Every teen may go through the years when they think they are ready to be independent. Im not too old either. Im 16. Not too long ago I feel Im ready to be independent also, I thought to myself mom I don't need your help as much as I used to.. but its completely usually everyone reaches the point in their life when they want to be independent. You don't need to kill yourself or anything just give him his space and everything and you'll be fine. Give it a try. And I'm not the only one. My sisters, brothers, and friends goes through that phase. They reached that age when they wanted to be more independent.. Its just a phase we all go through.
    Fiona92's Avatar
    Fiona92 Posts: 20, Reputation: 4
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    #15

    Dec 21, 2007, 12:33 PM
    Look he doesn't really hate you I'm 15 and I drive my mam crazy we don't fight a lot but we do fight.Your his mam you tell him what he can do where he can do it for how he can do it for that what he sees all you see is you being a good mam.If hates that means your doing your job right and he'll thank later in life when ha's not in prison cause you taught him what's right and wrong.If you died he'd be upset he'd most likely cry.As for him being nice to his dad that's just because he looks up to his dad the man he wants to be weather he admits it or not.His girlfriend is the one person he's out to impress to show his muscle.So you see he doesn't hate you.He's just at the age where you're the bad guy he'll grow out of it in a few years.
    Reecie's Avatar
    Reecie Posts: 25, Reputation: -1
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    #16

    Dec 31, 2007, 04:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MOM IN PAIN
    I really have had it with the disrespect, fighting, etc... It seems no matter how hard I try all we do is fight. He is 16 and this has been going on for a couple of years. I really think he hates me. It seems nothing I can do is right. No matter how nice I am he still snaps at me about everything. He used to say I harp on him too much so I tried to stop that, still he is rude. He won't come out of his room, in order to see him I have to go to him and when I do that he gets mad cause I am in his business. I seem to be the only one he acts this way to. He is nice to his dad, girlfriend, everyone except me. I just don't know anymore. I even would consider leaving myself just to make him happy if I had anywhere to go. Maybe just killing myself would work, then he would be rid of me and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
    I wish I knew. I have a 42 year old son who has a three year old son, out of wedlock, and he hates me so much he does not want his child to be around me. So, if it's any consolation to you, you are not alone. It breaks my heart because his father left when he was 18 months old and was married in four weeks to another. I raised him alone until he was nine. He has no respect for me at all. Wish I knew the answer to this. There is nothing more unrewarding than to raise a child who hates to be around you.
    coolcourtney8's Avatar
    coolcourtney8 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Jan 4, 2008, 01:44 PM
    I have a brother who is 16. He talks to my mum like she's a piece of dirt. He's realyy mean to her and I have told him how upset he is making her. I don't think your son realises how harsh he is being to you. He's at that age where he is just interested in vidio games,girls and his friends. I dontthink he means to be this mean. Give him some time... hell ome around

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