Rosy,

It doesn't seem like you have taken too much advice on helping yourself. You are still in the same place emotionally, and there is no resolve to any of this confusion and the relationships with your kids have not improved obviously.

I don't see how, without help, you are going to improve your life. And I don't read that you have taken any steps to get professional help. You may not have a good impression of the professionals you've seen so far, but there are good ones out there, you have to try again in my opinion; we cannot solve here, all the problems you face in real life.

WillaWinda listed a very long list of possibilities for you to check out for professional help.

I really hope that you can turn your life around and learn how to accept that which you cannot change, namely your adult children. It is you, and only you, that has a life to live without this torture you go through, and only you who can make a choice to help yourself.

I wish you well Rosy.

I have spent thousands of dollars on "Professional Help"... and the only one to gain was the parson I wrote the check to...

I would love to tell you that I chose the wrong persons... BUT.. I am talking about 2 years with one, 1 year with another, and 2 years with a Bonified SHRINK!

AND it all came down to this...

What was your childlife like!!

Well, It sucked...

I was born to my mother and father... at age 4 my mother decided that she did not like being burdened with kids... she wanted to party...

My, 1 year older, sister and I were shipped off to live with my mother's parents... In a very rural community... My job was to get the eggs every morning... and I loved it... We had no indoor plumbing.. and the outhouse seemed miles away... Thank goodness for the Slop jar under the bed for night-time needs!

I lived for the every 2 weeks that my mother came down the dirt road in her Convertible T-Bird... scarf flying in the wind... She always brought us new outfits that she had hand made... and Hershey bars...

She never stayed long enough... I could never get enough of the smell of her perfume...

At age 6, for some reason... My birth father took me away... I lived in Victoria Texas with him and his new wife for 2 years... THE worst 2 years of my life...

In the second grade... I gave up... I went into the school, and as soon as my step=mother drove off... I ducked into the bushes... I stayed in the bushes for 4 days... My teacher sawwe after school... and I told her that I was out of school because my father had had a heart attack...

GUess what.. a few days later... I heard my step=mother answer the phone... she said "What, he did not have a heart attack"..

BUSTED...

I remember it so clearly... It was my night to do the dishes... I was only 6, but my step=mother gave me a step stool to help me reach the sink

... ANYWAY... I heard my father yell out.. and a THUD...

Later there were red lights flashing in the Den.. and I was told to sit in MY chair... I saw them take my father out on a stretcher...

My step=mother said to me... SEE WHAT YOU DID... YOU said that he had a heart attack... and It happened... she told me that I had a demon in me..

From that day on... I would never wish, or even think anything bad on anyone... I believed her...

FUNNY... I was 32 years old when I finally told my sister this story.. and she Laughed... SHE told me she remembered that day... THAT he came home that same night... HE HAD GAS...

I remember a night that it was so HOT... we had 2 window units... one in the Den... and one in my parents room... Nothing in our (me and my sister's) room..

We were miserable... and we were getting vocal... My step=mother came in and fussed... she put up a fan... well... as kids do... we looked into the fan and thought we saw the face of a demon... we were scared... we fought for the wall side of the bed.. in our fuss... we woke our step-mother... she came in and said... WHAT is wrong... we told her about the demon face in the fan... WHAT did she do... SHE went into the kitchen and brought out one of those vinyl=chrome chairs... and sat it right next to the bed.. and placed the fan on it... CLOSER... and told us that if she heard another word out of us that would be it...

Some of the shrinks have taken this part to heart... we had a chain link fence around our backyard... I woke up every morning and started at the left of the house and walked the fence.. If I fell... I had to go back to the beginning... I walked this fence everyday... On a really bad day... I fell into a thorn bush on the back of the property... It hurt... I told NO-one... HOW cares.

I will admit that I never made it around the entire yard... it was a big yard... and I must have been very clumbsy...

I guess that my sister and I were not welcome there... as my step-mother was expecting a baby... so... we were shipped off to live with my Father's mother...

Things there were great... I had 3 toys... a Aunt Jemiah and Uncle Tom salt and pepper shaker that I played with in the ditch in the front... and at night... I had this beautiful power box that played music when you opened the lid... OH... my sister and I also made paper dolls out of the Sears and Robuck catalog... THE parts that were not used in the out house for... YOU KNOW what@!

Well, I guess we wore out our welcome... we were shipped off to my Aunt... we were there for a short time... During my visit.. I was sexually abused by an older couslin... at the age of 8... quite a shook.. and nothing you would tell anyone..

I was then finally back with my mother... After 2 years of Uncle this and Uncle that... Uncle Bill bacame DAD...

No reguets... HE is the best... Although, in his Senior years... he is a handfull... I have taken over all Medical and Financial Rights for him... I shop for him weekly, talk to him daily... and Love HIM TO ETERNITY...

I also love my Mother... I know that SHE DID THE BEST SHE COULD... and I was NEVER hungry, without what I needed... and most of the time, without what I wanted...

I was not given the Leave it to Beaver Life... BUT I still love my Mother and Father...

SO... I ask you this... I have told you how I raised my kids... I know that I should have left my first husband years before.. but I wanted to save them the pain that I went through being from a broken home...

DO you know what it feels like to spend a summer with your father.. and he brings you back to your mother... DO YOU CRY... IF you cry... are you crying because you don't want to leave your Father... or are you crying because you are happy to be back with your mother... Either way... you are screwed... You want to be loved... you don't want to hurt either parent... you love them both... BUT.. you realize that you are going to have to make a choice...

I have not seen my father since I was 20...

I did get in contact with him 4 years ago... I had been having medical problems... they told me that they believed that I had Parkinsons... but that without family history of the problem... they were stumped..

My sister contacted our father... and informed me that he was in full blown Parkinson's..

Damn... the only thing my father every gave me... THANKS...

I called him... just wanting to see how he was doing.. My Step=mother answered... I said... I would like to talk to my father... Is he OK?

She gave him the phone... He told me that he knew that my mother had lung cancer... I told him... That is right... she is OK... HE said to me... IT is YOUR FAULT... YOU let her smoke those cigarettes... that is how she got cancer.. I said.. NO... I had no control over her smoking... and she quite smoking 20 years ago... they said her cancer was not due to smoking... to which he said to me... """""You WHORE... you let your little mother smoke... and it almost killed her...

My FATHER called me a Whore... I don't even know... I have not seen him in 20 years... Birthday cards, Xmas, anything... I had just assumed that he had a new wife, and 2 daughters... and his life was complete without ME...

SO... WHO did I become a WHORE?

My Father called me a WHORE@

My Life:

My mother... married too young... wanted more.. parttied and I was in the way... so I was shipped off..
My mother's parents took care of me the best they could... they were old school... you know... go get a whip.. .It was never big enough... and the one she went after was always bigger... AND when you were really bad... you went into the storm cellar... or Root cellar... once the door went down... and the light... you felt everything... thinks crawling on you... how knows... spikers.. worms... FEAR!

My father... Took us in when he had to... didn't want us.. but when his new wife became pregnant... we were out of there...

Finally in the 4th grade I was home with my mother... She was not there a lot... but we had a Maid... well, actually we had several... many of them were cought steeling...

But Then Uncle Bill became Dad... It was a strugle for me... I did not up from down.. right from left... and I TRUSTED NO ONE...

He spent a lot of time working with me and making me love him... I ran away one day... the cops found me... I came home... and my mother said... You don't like it here... She went and got a suitcase and told me she would help me pack...

I never complained about anything from that day on!

I swore that my kids would never have to bear the burden of being split between parents... I endured all I could take...

I had just purchased my own wedding dress.. I knew my parents could not afford a wedding.. So I was on my own...

The next week... as my Wedding Gown hung from the staircase... I needed to do the laundry... I had no money... I went to my "husband to be's" wallet... and along with the money I found a phone number... written on the back of the receipt for my mother's Mother's Day gift... I called the number to find out that my HUSBAND to be... 5 days from our wedding was hitting on a 16 year old...

Married... 2 times I had women call my home and want to know why my husband was stalking them... OH.. not to leave out the time that I was really concerned... My Private area stunk... I washed... duched... notthing helped... I went to the Dr. I had Gonerrah... and my husband gave it to me... I asked him HOW... HE described it to me... a little hooker off the street... She was really sexy taking off her boots...

I would have left him then and there.. BUT I found out I was pregnant...

WANT to know who they treat you when you have a baby and they know that you have a history of Gonerrah..? I wanted to hold my baby... NO... NO... SHE is a GONERRAH mother... THEY put all this junk in his eyes... and I could not hold him for 24 hours...

I DID NOTHING WRONG>> BUT I PAY..

Well, that night... I called home.. to my husband... HE did not answer... HE WAS not home... HE was out all night... I just gave birth to his SON... and he was out with someone else... I am thinking that she was in the hair dressing business.. as the next morning when he came in... he had a really funky hairdo...

Did he bring me anything... NO... but you knew that... BUT... he did bring in cigares to share with his ONE Friend...

SO... I guess you are reading this and think that I want you to feel sorry for me...

NO... BUT I want you to read this and know that I was there... and I would never put my kids there... I WAS A GOOD mother...

SO.. . SOMEONE TELL me why MY KIDS HATE ME?
My

The people I know who accept lower rates based on income levels are not "less qualified". Clearly, you have the same issues as the O.P. If you've been through that many counselors who don't agree with you, the problem is most likely with you... although I'm certain you'd never agree.

I appreciate your words... That I am not hearing what I want to hear... BUT.. I am willing to hear anything...

All I hear is this... You had a bad childlife... you married a man that met that lifestyle... and now your kids are doing what kids do when raised in this lifestyle...

I don't deny that I am a bad person... You want to make me feel bad... Your words are the tip of the iceberg...

I am not saying I was great... I am saying... I REALLY do not know what I did wrong... I thought I was a good mother...

You want to judge me... THAT is OK... I have no problem with it... You are right... 3 kids... NO... ALL THREE KIDS... hate me... IT MUST BE ME...

So I ask you... WHO would you feel if All of your kids hated you...

DID you do drug? NO... Were you a drunk? NO... DId you beat your kids? no... DID your kids do without? NO... DID you not help your kids with homework>>> NO..? DId you not make every Holiday and occasion special... NO?.

WELL... WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

YOU want to judge me... I went to counselors... and you know what the last one told me...

"I am suprised that you are still alive"

THe one before that let me know that my folder was the thickest in her files...

They have put me on drugs... NO help...

RIGHT I did not live the Leave it to Beaver life... BUT I DID GIVE THAT LIFE TO MY KIDS..

AT a lot of cost and work on my part...

I think that I went to this site for help... BUT I think I got what I needed... and wanted...

Reassurance that I do not deserve to be here...

Thank you so for helping me in clarifying this decission...

You will not be hearing from me again...

I have attempted the END many times...

BUT with the SUPPORT from you and your friends...

I have secured information to make it Quick and Painless...

SO... THANKS AGAIN...

You have been Great?

OH!

One more think... before I take this wonderful trip... I am leaving on my computer this link... so that my family can see what I struggled with in my last days... and how helpful you all have been>

My concern would be that if you leave this on your computer, open for anyone to read, you are going to have more problems with your children - I am not sure they want to be discussed in a public forum and these things tend to backfire.

Sometimes, Rosy, things can be very harsh and difficult and you might feel nobody can understand you. You may well be right. But instead of threatening suicide, I think you should commit yourself to truly listening to the counselors, doing exactly what they say, even if you think they are wrong. Just be still, and quiet, and slow down to manage one issue, one problem at a time. As JudyKayTee has said, venting publicly about your children does not mend the rift - you cannot force people to see things your way, or even to feel your pain. They feel their own, and see your pain filtered through their own experiences with you, and you've already said they don't really understand you. There is a better life. Medication may not work at first - counseling might not work either, at first. You have to commit to both long-term and work with the doctor to make adjustments as you go along. For some people medications have to be adjusted many times, and you may feel the doctors are just dispensing meds but they need to feel you are chemically where you need to be in your brain chemistry before they will start working on the counseling piece of it - be patient. YOu will not get relief from a lifetime of hurt instantly. But you can feel better tomorrow, and better still next week, and better than you might have imagined next year. It's amazing, with depression, even if your life circumstances don't get that much better, managing the depression can make it so much less hurtful, and you can even find joy in your life when the problems remain. The hopeless feelings - they are the disease of depression.

Please go to a hospital, tell them you are having these terrible thoughts of hurting yourself, tell them how desperately sad you are over the situation with your own childhood and the rejection you are experiencing from your children. Stay for a few days, get stable with anti-depressants, get some rest and start slow - you've had many years of hurt - there's not a magic fix, but there's a lasting fix. Work on yourself, worry about what your children think and feel about you later, when you feel stronger and better about yourself.

Well, all I can Say is that yo should go on with your life Sun born every single day, as you

Rosy, maybe it will help to know that other
Mothers have suffered rejection from their
Children after years of pouring everything
They have into raising them. You, dear,
Are not the only one coping with this problem.

What?

If you did the best you could for them and
They are now rejecting you, then all you can do
Is continue as you were before you had them.
You were doing fine before you had them, right? It sure isn't easy because we change and so does life and circumstances, but
It is all you can do. Perhaps they will have
A change of heart when their children grow
Up and they get a taste of their own medicine.

It sounds like your kids have some anger issues. I suppose I would try to talk to them and see what they are angry about. Some of the snswers may not be what you want to hear but if you want to get your family back you may need to be the better person and just say you are sorry for the things that you did wrong in the past. Maybe say "I am sure I was not the perfect mother but I love you and I want to make things right" If it were me I would do anything I had to to make things right with my kids.

I pray you are safe and haven't taken that step.. please,please.. know that so many are in pain over their children or child who has turned their back. I bought a book while standing in line at the cvs-called "YOU CAN DO IT" for $5.99. Dumb? It was the book that changed my life. My oldest daughter hates me.. and I to go through pain.. it is a living hell. But, I always reread this little book--and just the qoutes help me. I listened to Joel Olsteen say, "Children are born through the mother, not from the mother". They have free will. You must rebuild your life, you're a great writer, typist.. you can do it. Be strong as I know you are.. you did wonderful things.. you did not abandon your children in a trash can, nor did you give them up.. they are adults, let them go... they will come back you are the root to the tree. You gave them a good baseline. Your in so much, because its hard for you to be "abandon"--just as you were as a little girl, so you poured all your love into them, and didn't save a little for you. Learn to love all those wonderful things about YOU. You are one of kind in this world-unique.. very special. Once you love you... your life will change.. I promise. Just don't give up.. something wonderful is waiting for you.. stop, stop, living in your past.. it is gone.. gone. Move forward-go back to school, do something anything.. make new friends, maybe a garden, maybe write---Ilived in Texas, I loved it.. you are really a perfectionist.. life is not perfect--notone person hasn't made many mistakes... in that little book, one of the quotes" worried why people don't like you is like telling a bull your a "vegetarian"--they don't care.. lol!
Rosy---please, love you, love you, and love formother people will come!

meddian... I feel as if you have crawled under my skin and know me better than myself. Thank you for your kind words. I will look for this book... and hope it helps... But to update you... I am a person of perfection... and a person of appointments... Like when I know I have a dentist appointment in a month... I do not let myself worry about it today... or tomorrow... I tell myself... the appointment is Monday at 9AM... SOOOO... I give myself 8:55 until 9AM to fret... until that... it could just be wasted worry.. you know the bus hitting you and all that...
HA... HA..

BUt... the call I received from my son... I know you know... WELL.. I gave it one year... and then I contacted him.. WELL.. his wife... via e=mail... as that is the only way I have to contact them... I have been blocked from their telephone at home. Well... I went overboard.. and let her know in my e-mail that I felt that she was a great part of the problem... that I felt that she wanted to separate my son from his "inferior" Mother and family... NOTE... not only has my son and his wife cut me out of their life... they have cut out my mother "first grand-daughters", they have cut out my sister.. WHOM would have been a great-great-AUNT... as she has been a great AUNT.

But we are all cut off..

I am sorry to say that in the gut of my e-mail to my daughter-law... I did "SORRY" call her a B.t.h.

Sorry again... but it has been one year.. and I have never seen my 6 month old grand-daughter... and it has been a year since I saw my Hannah.

Well, anyway... 2 days later I get a call from a Dallas Police Detective. Jennifer... my daughter-in-law is in fear... and they call me...

Here is what they say:

"When were you released?"... I reply... "Released from what?"

The detective replies that my daughter-in-law is in fear... that according to her and her father... I have been institunilized..? SPEL>>>

To which I reply... "I have never been institunilized for anything"///

BUT... if her and her father want to put this threat and accusation in writing... I would be willing to sue the S.it out of them...

I got nothing to lose..

SO... hopefully this did not change your feelings about me... I guess I am really a bad mother and a B.t.h.

Sorry to disappoint you

Rosy, 123 - quite frankly, I wouldn't be in contact with you nor would I allow you to see my children if you were my mother-in-law.

As far as suing the s*t out of her (you have an interesting vocabulary), you have no grounds. Based on your message this may very well be her belief.

She, on the other hand, has grounds to take action against you.

I have no idea why the rest of the family is cut off, they have not posted and so I am only addressing your problems with your son and his family.