My seven year old, beautiful and wonderful daughter is so mean. I do not know why. She is not mean to me or her Daddy, but she is extremly manipulative towards her little sister and brother. She will con them out of all their toys, drink their juice and then lie about it, and do things like this all the time. She does not care when one of them gets hurt, and she loves to tease her brother. I am at a total loss. My son and baby girl are both so sweet and caring, yet my oldest does not show any real love or care for anything. I have tried everything short of counseling. When I tell her I think she should talk to the school counselor she cries and says no. I am worried. I do not see any "caring" emotions in her and I do not want to lose her as she gets older. She lies and manipulates all the time.
She is classically behaving well for those in authority and bullying those in her power. This is bullying behavior and you and her father must stop it before she gets older. She doesn't have a disease, just bad values. Where is she getting the idea that that's okay? I'm not blaming you, but I'm asking you to think about where she would be witnessing such values and incorporating them into her behavior. It is important that you SHOW her that she cannot ever get away with it.
As for her not wanting to spend time with you, I think that's surprising. You can't be offering quality time if it isn't something she wants to do. If she doesn't want to play games, figure out what she does want to do. Maybe she feels the need to be treated like more of a grown up than her younger siblings.
Finally, what does it mean to "ground" a 7 year old? I don't know what you mean.
Yes we do need to stop it. you are right, but how. Our family has very strong values. We treat her just like the other children and we love them equally. I may not know the perfect way to raise a child, but i know how not to. You can not love a child too much. We have grounded her "tv, games, internet usage, bringing in toys to class" Taking away earned priviliges... I am sure she sees bullying at school and elsewhere, but not in our home. Also, this is not just bullying. This is manipulating. There is a big difference. We can show her she can not get away with it, but there is only so much discipline you can give a child. I am thinking it is time to get professional help.
I offer my free time to my daughter, I ask her to go to a movie, to play agame, to four wheel, to do anything she wants. She wants to stay in her room- alone. I even tried to take her to get her nails done. She wants to be alone when she wants.
Guess I will go against the wave again on children, I don't see where she sounds very different than any 7 year old who is the oldest
Yes, I wondered if this was normal behavior, but the point is that it is simply not acceptable. I do not want my children to grow up normal or the same as all the children around them, I expect great things. Being cruel to others is not one of them .Especially family.
Hi again...I was just reading about your "grounding" policy. Here's an idea for you to try...I use this often with "behavior children" or oppositional defiant kids, and with patience and consistency it works out in the long run. IN the beginning there might be tears and what not (if they do not get what they want) but you must be strong and stick to it. OK..so to the plan. Sounds like when she misbehaves you take away the things she loves most. Narrow down around 2-3 of her MOST favorite things to do. Let her know these things for the time being, are no longer part of her normal routine....rather she will have to EARN one of them for the day (in evening). Visuals always help so take a piece of paper or a white board and draw two squares on it. Each time she breaks a rule (set ground rules with her prior all this) she gets an X in the box. For the few weeks (depending on how well she does with this), if she keeps at least one box blank she earns 30-45mins of her choice activity. If both boxes are X'ed...she doesnt earn it for the day. After she's had a few of weeks consistently of earning her activity of choice, move it down to only one box...at this point she must make it through the entire day without getting an X. Eventually all this fades out and the child behaves accordingly because it's more internalized and they see all the positive praise and rewards they get from doing the right thing. Most importantly, follow through with what you say...you can't break down because if tantrums or what now...because then she's learned a new behavior to get what she wants.
Good luck. Let me know if you try it and if it works out.
I have a somewhat similar problem. My ex adopted 2 children (2 boys) after we split up. My son, who is 6, doesn't live with his brothers but sees them often. One of the brothers is extremely manipulative and seems to lack empathy. He is 7 years old.
The brother could be like this due to early trauma. He could be wired like that. He could grow out of it. I don't know, but I'm paying attention, just like you are.
I hope you can ignore the comments that blame you and your parenting. Anyone who from a big family knows that kids are born with certain tendences. I do not believe that the Ghandhis or Hitlers of this world are created by good or bad parenting.
I suspect your daughter is OK and within the realm of normal (but mean) sibling behavior.
If I were you, I probably would seek out counseling for my peace of mind.
You are a GOOD mother, with a kid who is defying you, and doing the opposite to what you expect her to. She is making these choices, and she knows right from wrong.
She treats everyone else but her siblings, very well. she is polite, well raised, aware.
Please try the suggestions that Luv has suggested.
Your child is not abnormal, does not need a counsellor, therapist, or a diagnosis of having some sort of personality disorder, in my opinion. That's a bit much.
We are talking about learned behaviour. She does what she does because she gets what she wants.
She is smart enough to know that the younger ones are easy tagets for quick gains.
Consistent discipline, with age appropriate consequences, repeated as often as necessary until it sinks in that the behaviour in question either a) gets a result she doesn't want, and b) isn't worth the trouble anymore.
Stick to your guns, don't worry so much. Take charge, set up concrete goals and expectations and nip this in the bud. You can do it.
I agree with Jake she knows what she is doing and she knows she gets away with it.
She needs consequences.
You need to break her of this before it becomes some socio path type behavior or something.
I agree with Fr_Chuck that it is normal for kids to act this way, especially the oldest. BUT if it is to an extreme it may be beyond 'normal'
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