Ok- I have a 17 year old child who is beyond bright and very strong willed. She's a junior in high school. All of her teachers love her. She has unfortunately inherited my families disposition for migraines. We have her on a 504 plan to cover the days that she is out due to her legitimate migraines but she misses so much school and it has absolutely nothing to do with her medical issue. Fact of it is, she stays up playing games or texting or watching TV. We have taken everything away and she'll still manage to sleep the day away. We've grounded her. We've had her checked for depression and both her counselor and doctor have said no, she's mentally fine, she's just stubborn. She was a go to it straight A student with a 4.0 who was on top of everything but as soon as she started high school she declined and fast. It's not drugs or alcohol ( she's always held up in her room playing games so she doesn't even really have a lot of friends) and I have gone through her room with a fine tooth comb, and when we talk, we talk about everything and I do mean everything. Our communication is excellent. She's admitted that she's screwing up and we come up with plans that she follows for like a day. And I am the adult child of addicts so I would recognize the signs if it were any sort of substance. We don't really keep alcohol in our home. So ? What is it? Why won't she get her lazy butt out of bed to go to school? My husband and I tallied it up and out of 8 weeks of school, she's missed 5 of them. She does try to use her migraines for not going but I see right through it and will not excuse her on days that I can tell it's not genuine( I suffer from them as well so I know how it works) and when she does go and makes up the work- it's A work. Due to circumstances, they don't give her full credit though. She has no problem with the curriculum or comprehending any of it. I've yelled, compromised, threatened, made deals, punished, rewarded. I am at a loss. She's not going to graduate and we have told her that as much as we love her, if she doesn't pull it together, when she turns 18 she either gets a job and contributes or she can go live with her real father (who thinks I'm over reacting about this but is miffed because I haven't put her on birth control yet.) Suggestions please...

She sounds like she does not want to grow up and is happy being a child with no responsibilities. She's going to milk this situation for as long as she can. I'm surprised with missing that much school that the truant officer hasn't been knocking at your door! She's in her own little world to be sure and it's not going to be easy getting her to come out of it either. Yelling is definitely not going to do anything but make you hoarse and mad. Making deals isn't the answer either. Maybe sending her over to dad's might at least alleviate some of your obvious stress in this situation and let him deal with her.

Sending her to her real father really isn't an option as long as I'm alive and/or responsible for her welfare and well being. She has 7 months until I am "legally" not responsible. Though, morally, I am beyond the legalities of age. And I've considered the whole peter pan issue but honestly, I don't think that's it. It's difficult. I'm the parent that believes in working hard for what you want. No matter what it is. Her biological father is 37 and still runs to mom and dad to bail him out or foot his bill for his whims and they comply. She knows if she can't get it from me- she can go to him. That's about all he's good for and she learned the fine art of manipulation early thanks to him. She honestly doesn't like him but knows she can milk him like he milks his folks. He equates material items as love. His mother is very materialistic as well. Letting her have more contact w/ that part of the family than she currently does would be a bad on so many levels.
She told me at one point after she started high school that she felt like junior high did not prepare her. I've asked in what way and I've asked her time and time again what she felt she needed and she says she doesn't know. We have offered up tutors (even though we know it's not a curriculum/learning issue) or sending her back to counseling.
I've asked if she's bullied or feels she is. No on that. She has eluded to the fact that she feels out of place there even though her high school is "progressive" and very accommodating to it's students and individual creativity and personality. She would be allowed to wear pj's to school if she told them it helped her think! But then she's said she really likes it there. She's enrolled in international classes which she claims to really enjoy but she won't go?

In re-reading your original and second post and I've thought about her and her behavior.

I think that the major contributing problem is the progressive school! It seems that when children can do as they please in school, they interestingly fail in other areas of their life.

That's great and all that she gets good grades but I know from personal experience that progressive schools leave a lot to be desired in teaching the child important life skills such as discipline (going to school every day).

And since you feel that sending her to daddys is not a good idea - don't send her then. Didn't know that she's been taking lessons on how to mooch off everyone from him. He's definitely not a good role model either (I agree with you 100% on that). The less contact she has with him and his family the better.

Generally schools won't let a student graduate if they don't actually attend the school. Is this school so progressive that they don't insist upon attendance as part of their requirements to graduate? Apparently not.

She's not going to be doing herself any good just dodging school every day when she doesn't want to go. She's going to take the attitude of the world owes me a living and run with that. I guess when she gets a job she's going to decide not to go to work and wonders why she doesn't get a paycheck or gets canned and will blame THEM for her shortsightedness.

You can't let her keep staying in her room continually playing video games and expect her to excel at life. Ever thought of taking the video games away if she doesn't attend school? Bet the first time you do take them away she's worse than bent out of shape.

You need to remember just who is the child and just who is the parent in your home. Start acting like a parent, OK? And you'll do just fine after you get over the fact she's going to pitch a hissy fit and act out her hostilities towards you. So what's so different between her and a child who doesn't want to go to sleep at say age 2 and cries until they realize that mommie won't cave in to their demands? There should be no difference between her and the 2 year old. You just need to stand your ground and don't cave in.

You will be doing her a disservice if you keep caving in to her. She will just take up daddy's mooching off the world to solve her problems later in life and think it's perfectly normal behavior.

Well, you are the mother, she is the child. Are you home in the morning when she leaves for school normally? When she is pulling her BS and wants to stay and sleep, PULL her out of bed, grab her bag and lunch, PUT her in the car and drive her there. TAKE her out of the car, walk her to the door, and PUSH her in. A few times showing up looking like hell and a 17yo girl just may make a point of getting up to at least brush her hair. Not home when she needs to go? HIRE, BEG OR BORROW someone you trust to do this for you. You may have to make some sacrifices for a short period to make this happen, but life is full of sacrifices and choices have to be made. It's time to get tough. The world outside of Mom's house is a lot tougher.

Jill - When my son was young and didn't want to go to school I would do something very similar to what you have suggested doing. It was basically "fight mommy every inch of the way" but he did get to school every day. I drove him and just made arrangements to go to work 1/2 hour later. Then when the school bus came and picked him up I fought with him every day to get dressed and get ready. Sure, it was much harder on ME than it ever was on him... but I persevered every day without fail and got my kid to school every day. And believe it or not, he turned out to be a darned good kid too. No drugs or alcohol, gang friends, never in any trouble ever. So I must have done something right in insisting that I was the parent and he was the child.

Thanks Twinkie for the kind words. Also I forgot to add, make an appointment with the principal, let them know what you will be doing, so they aren't too alarmed that she is showing up the way she is. i.e. messy. They will just be happy she is getting there at all hopefully. You are not ASKING for their opinions, you are TELLING them what you WILL be doing as her parent.

Her school is trying to work with us. I'm in with her teaches and counselors all the time. They are involved and do have attendance policies. I'm on the verge of going to jail over this and we have taken the video games away. We've taken the wifi, the cell phone and the TV and the iPod way. No, I am not at home when she has to go to school and we have no friends or family here that can show up at our door to help "babysit" her to make sure that she is doing what she is supposed to be doing. And other people having to disrupt their lives to accommodate her defiance isn't really helpful. She would just view that as someone else that she has manipulated. My job is not accommodating. I'm either there or I'm gone. As in I won't have a job. And I'm 5'1 and weigh like 113. She's 5'4 and weighs 135. Me physically trying to move her is a joke (I've tried that approach, including throwing cold water on her while she's in bed)
And "caving" to her? No, that's why I'm at a loss. We have tried everything. We've involved every one that we can. Short of military school or boot camp... that seems to be next.
Do either of you have teenagers?

Actually, I do have a teenage girl. School comes first. School work first, then maybe some TV, IF she has watched her mouth and done her chores. She is not allowed phone calls on school nights. Bedtime is 9pm period. No games, no DVD player, no Ipod on after 9pm. Your last post seems like you are looking for an easy answer. There is no easy answer. Everyone has given you sound advice. It is now up to you to put something into place.

You ARE caving to her by not having her at school when the bell rings every single morning of the week. Your first job is as a mother, teacher, jailer, helper, booster, cheerleader of that child. If things continue, you will go in front of a judge, like it or not. The judge is not going to listen to why you can't have your child at school everyday. Put her in boarding school for a semester and let them handle it if you will not or can not. As for not having any one around to help, I said before, HIRE someone, just like she's 4 and needs a babysitter. They will need to come every morning for an hour or whatever and drive her to school, or at least get her on the bus. I don't mean a grandma-type person who will feel sorry for her either. She doesn't like the thought of that? Tough.

My son is 25 now and at one time he was a teenager.

What exactly is her excuse for her behavior? You never really got into that area. Would be most interested as to her validation of this behavior.

And yes, the Judge will make you sit in jail as that is the law. Apparently your teen feels otherwise or she would help the situation.

She is definitely headed down the wrong path at 100MPH. I'm just waiting for the crash report.

If anything I think she belongs in juvenile hall - definitely not you in jail. Have you explored that avenue yet to see if it is even available? I guarantee you once she spends a week in juvenile hall she will be happy to go to school and act proper. Being locked up is never fun and being denied the option of eating what you want to when you want to is definitely not fun and the bonus of not wearing her own clothes but some uniform they provide is definitely not alluring.

What she needs now is some tough love on your part. You could have her declared incorrigible and detained in juvenile hall.

I asked for idea's on what could be her issue... I could say that maybe your child is golden because you're a tyrant mother and she's terrified of you. I have no idea how it is so I won't make the assumption... without knowing you or how things are in your home and all of the circumstances involved..
I have the school counselors involved, the school is involved, her regular counselor, doctors have been consulted. I've tried to cover all bases. We have tried all methods of punishment. We tried reverse rewards. We have tried everything. I'm not joking. I have contacted the authorities and that's what got my butt into trouble. I sought help and they turned it around on me. No one said SH*t about it until I contacted them for help and suggestions. I went to them for help and it back fired. Every one wants to tell me what a lax mother( which, if I was, this really wouldn't bother me or make me so ing upset) I am but no one is really willing to help or offer up sound realistic suggestions. Hire someone? Ok, even with both my husband and I working, we barely make ends meat. We struggle to pay what bills we can and feed ourselves and keep our kid clothed.. Talk means nothing. They honestly don't give a sh*t. I'm a dollar sign, revenue. They just want their $3500 fines I might be slapped with. They told me that they can't (wont) detain her because A-she has a legit 504 plan in place, and B-when she does go to school, she is a good girl, the teachers love her and she does quality work. They don't see her as poblem.The problem is mine because she won't get up to go.
The weird thing is, when she's not on a school schedule, she's golden. The best child you ask for. There is something off here. And I'm just getting frustrated...

There are a lot of really good suggestions for this mom. But, something just isn't right.

I had a teenager, also very bright, who did well at school. Suddenly, everything went to hell in a handcart. She became withdrawn, fought tooth and nail not to go to school, quit all her activities, and stayed by herself in her room, or spent her time on the phone, watching TV or playing video games.

Like the mom here, I tried everything from grounding to calling the truant officer myself!! I enlisted the help of a teen counsellor, had her tested at school, even hired a teacher to get her through the last part of her semester so she could get her grade 9.

The doctor said she was physically and emotionally fine. Tests all came back normal.

They were wrong.

Things went from bad to worse, and in desperation I had her assessed by a psychiatrist, at a clinic over three or four long visits. The entire family was involved in this. His conclusions resulted in a proper diagnosis, with treatment, that actually worked.

Sometimes, it is worthwhile to get a second and third opinion. Standard logic to deal with a defiant teen, and failed results at all the obvious behaviours, may mean she needs more than being dragged to school, or going through boot camp, or having all her belongings taken away as punishment.

As loving a parent as you are, there are some things that teenagers will not address with a parent.

Please don't think that I'm saying your daughter is mentally ill. It is just my opinion from my own experience with my own daughter, and the results were not what I would have expected when I was going through all of this with her.

Maybe another professional opinion may open the door to finding solutions.

No, I'll take that over any thing else that has been said. I know something isn't right. And it isn't just her being defiant or lazy about getting out of bed. We have been taking her to a counselor who says she's normal and our doctor said she isn't depressed or anything unusual but this isn't normal. Not for my kid. I know her and I know that something is wrong.. but I don't know what to make of her acting like this towards school. She loves learning so this is just to far out in left field for her. She does like to be alone. We have encouraged her to make friends but she says every one is disappointing so she games (when she has access to her computer. At this stage we have taken everything away as means of punishment). So maybe your right, maybe it's time to step up a honest to god psychiatrist now instead of a counselor... thank you..

Have you ever thought about home schooling her? She doesn't have much time left in school and this might be the answer to you not paying fines or going to jail because she doesn't attend a formal school.

Yes, it has actually crossed my mind. The only thing is: I was home taught from the 6th to the 10th grade and I thought it was a joke (or, at least my own personal experience was. Maybe it was just my teacher/mother and I ended ) so I'm really skeptical and weary. But it might be good for her...

That gives me another idea thinking about Twinkiedoodle said.

It may we worthwhile to go to the school, and see if they will allow her to finish her assignments at home. You would have to get the work, bring it back and forth etc. and probably not the best idea, but so close to the end of the school year, with so much to lose, might it be worth a try?

Yes, that would be great if they would allow that. I can ask at our next meeting. Thanks!

I think too that she just doesn't want to grow up. She doesn't want all this change of suddenly becoming responsible and not relying on her parents anymore. She feels she will be all alone, so she's scared and if she can drag it a bit more she can be with her familiar surrounds longer.

Again, I'm not certain that's it.. this has been a slow and steady build up since her freshman year. She loves learning. Another reason for confusion. She'll have days where she does go and when she comes home- her day in school is all she's talk about and her great affection and admiration for certain teachers ( as well as discontent for others).
We are a really close family- one of the reasons it bothers me so much that I can't figure this out. And she knows that as long as she's going to school she won't have to move out. She will be allowed to stay at home until she graduates and even then. As long as she is doing something with her life, we don't mind or care that she stays at home. It's tough to live on your own now unless your in a field that pays super well.. If she decided to go, then OK but if she decided to stay, she is welcome and she knows this. And she doesn't like to be coddled much any more- gets really fusssy when I do try unless she's really not feeling well. She acts 17.5 in every other way except this area. She cooks for herself. Does her own laundry. Cleans her room without asking. When she's home, she's good outside of this.. this anomaly.

Have you tried some teens support groups for her? You can Google some in your area.