Okay, as most of you know I live with my boyfriend and he has a 9-year-old daughter. Well, lately we are having some huge issues with her, and neither of us know how to fix this. I will make a laundry list of this weeks occurances, and hopefully someone can shed some light on why she is doing the things she's doing and how we can redirect her and make her realize she is just getting herself into more trouble.

So background-young single dad, full custody. She, who we'll call Sarah has no relationship with her mother (her mother's choice). He's had custody for 5 years, before that she lived with her grandmother.

So, this is what our week has looked like:

• She cut the cat's whiskers, and trimmed the dogs tail fur. And lied about it. And is not allowed to have scissors without permission.
• Took SIX hours to do a project because she was watching TV when we weren't looking. She was at the kitchen table with her back facing the tv, if she were in her room she would have just been playing with toys. She's not ADD, she's a third grader in fourth grade classes doing sixth grade work. She's in mostly advanced classes. She was procrastinating.
• When she cleaned her room she shoved all toys under her bed and then put all her clean clothes in the dirty laundry.
• She went into my room (which she knows she not allowed in unless invited) and played in my makeup. Wore makeup to school. And lied about it.
• She told her teacher that her father REFUSED to help her with her homework and that he was mean and yelled at her when she asked for help. All of which is untrue. When the teacher called and Sarah was confronted, she lied.
• She woke up in the middle of the night the other day and ate an entire carton of ice cream, and lied about it.
• She wakes up before everyone else and watches cartoons, when we turn on the tv and it's on nickelodeon and we ask her why she was watching tv while grounded, she lied and said she wasn't.

I don't understand the lying. It's been explained to her many times that if she just tells the truth that she will be in a whole lot less trouble.

What's the deal, help us!!!

DoulaLC

Much of what she has done is not all that unusual for her age. Many 9 year olds won't fess up, even when you know full well that they did something. If you know for a fact that she did something, don't bother to ask her if she did, that only sets her up to want to lie about it in an attempt to avoid getting into trouble. If it is important enough to merit consequences, then deal with it matter of factly. Many will procrastinate with school work.....set a time when it gets started, supervise the work, and let her know she does nothing else until it gets done. Many will shove stuff under the bed, in closets, in drawers, etc., to get it done so they can go play...thinking that you will somehow not notice. Give some incentives if you think it might help....be very specific....clean your room may not be enough, stating that you want her clean clothes put away neatly, dirty clothes in the hamper, and toys on the shelves may give you better results. Put the list on her door if it helps and have her check them off as each one is done. When finished, you can go out for a treat or do something fun.

Certainly talk to her and let her know you are there for her, but she also needs to understand that there will be consequences for her choices. Try not to catch her everytime she makes a mistake...pick your battles as to what is really important. Praise the good choices that she makes.

Sit down with her and her father and the three of you discuss how you can all work together to make some changes....discuss expectations....and the importance of learning responsibility. As she sees that you take the time to work with her and guide her, she will understand that you are there for her and that you care about her and what she does.