Okay, as most of you know I live with my boyfriend and he has a 9-year-old daughter. Well, lately we are having some huge issues with her, and neither of us know how to fix this. I will make a laundry list of this weeks occurances, and hopefully someone can shed some light on why she is doing the things she's doing and how we can redirect her and make her realize she is just getting herself into more trouble.
So background-young single dad, full custody. She, who we'll call Sarah has no relationship with her mother (her mother's choice). He's had custody for 5 years, before that she lived with her grandmother.
So, this is what our week has looked like:
She cut the cat's whiskers, and trimmed the dogs tail fur. And lied about it. And is not allowed to have scissors without permission.
Took SIX hours to do a project because she was watching TV when we weren't looking. She was at the kitchen table with her back facing the tv, if she were in her room she would have just been playing with toys. She's not ADD, she's a third grader in fourth grade classes doing sixth grade work. She's in mostly advanced classes. She was procrastinating.
When she cleaned her room she shoved all toys under her bed and then put all her clean clothes in the dirty laundry.
She went into my room (which she knows she not allowed in unless invited) and played in my makeup. Wore makeup to school. And lied about it.
She told her teacher that her father REFUSED to help her with her homework and that he was mean and yelled at her when she asked for help. All of which is untrue. When the teacher called and Sarah was confronted, she lied.
She woke up in the middle of the night the other day and ate an entire carton of ice cream, and lied about it.
She wakes up before everyone else and watches cartoons, when we turn on the tv and it's on nickelodeon and we ask her why she was watching tv while grounded, she lied and said she wasn't.
I don't understand the lying. It's been explained to her many times that if she just tells the truth that she will be in a whole lot less trouble.
My husband's daughters from a previous marriage were (and to some extent still are) absolute monsters.
Something that really worked for us though, when they were about 9 or 10 was the Star System. This was drawn up on a big sheet of cardboard with columns and put near the fridge with stick on stars (gold, silver, etc)
We had them both think up a realistic list of things that they would like over a few months and then list the behaviors that would grant them the things they wanted, and the number of stars involved.
For example, say they wanted to go to the movies or sleep over with a friend. They would have to earn, say 10 gold stars. The behaviors that would earn them these stars might be - cleaning room, being polite, helping with dinner, not fighting and being truthful. Any time these actions were not done no star would be allocated, of if there were stars allocated and the behavior was bad, they would lose a star, and there would be no discussion about it.
At the end of each month, if a certain number of predetermined stars were achieved, they would get a surprise - say $10, or a toy, or a magazine.
I'm sure that you can find a better explanation of this on the internet, but we found it did work, because it rewarded positive behavior rather than focussing on the negative.
I might add, that it worked well for about 6 months and we knew the star strategy was coming to an end when they started to 'renegotiate' everything. It did shift the bad behavior to a tolerable level though!
Handipoints.com is an electronically site monitor version of the star system... and its a wonderful tool for 7-10 year olds. They also earn clothing, furniture, and various other things for their charaters and can play their characters in a virtual world, safe for their age group. They can earn points and lost points accordingly and they cash in their points from everything from toys, sleep overs, making cookies with Mom to vacations. Points necessary valued by the parents. Everything is monitored and adjusted by the parents. It's a great tool for reinforcing positive behaviors. The site and all it's uses are free for the chore and/or behavior charts are free.
My son is allowed on the computer, but my daughter is not. You don't have to do the online Virtual World, although it is a child friendly zone and I have supervised my younger daughter on some occasional use of it.
You can just use the site to monitor points with the child, once a week. I use Excel Chore Charts I created based on the website with them working the same point goals, the website just really helps track their earned points and their spent points.
Sorry to jump in now but I think one important issue has been overlooked.
The child is 9.
She has NO relationship with her mother by her mother's choice.
She lived with her grandmother until her father took custody of her.
Her father has had full custody of her for the past 5 years.
She now lives with her father and you.
Okay - now I guess this situation 'seems' normal in today's society because so many kids do have parents that are not married/no longer married. An adult can understand these circumstances and deal with them much better on an emotional level than a child can.
The kid is acting out. She is sending you and Dad a very clear message that she's not dealing with her life very well and she has some big issues that need to be resolved. Unfortunately - kids aren't very good at expressing exactly what they want or need when it comes to emotional confusion - it often comes out as bad behavior.
I'd suggest you back off a little bit and start TALKING to her. At nine years old - you'd be surprised at what a kid see and how they perceive things. Have you ever thought that maybe she's becoming attached to you and she has a fear that you are going to be separated from her just like the other women in her life? Have you ever thought that she's doing these things to see how far she can push you before she 'proves' that you're going to go away too?
She's at a really crucial age right now. Not quite a little kid but not as independent as a teenager. She needs a 'mommy' but she isn't a baby anymore either.
If you are serious enough with her father that you plan on being there permanently - then make sure she knows that and make sure she knows you are there for her too.
Don't harp on her or lecture her or tell her how you 'wish' she'd be. Tell her how much you admire all of the good things about her and the things she does well - encourage those good behaviors and talents. Ask her how she feels about things - ask her what she thinks - she needs to know she's included and she's important.
Do these things while teaching her the importance of honesty, responsibility and accountability and you will see a change in her.
BTW- why can't she use scissors? She's 9 - not 2. If you treat her like a baby - you can't expect her to act like a 9 year old.
I'd suggest you back off a little bit and start TALKING to her. At nine years old - you'd be surprised at what a kid see and how they perceive things. Have you ever thought that maybe she's becoming attached to you and she has a fear that you are going to be separated from her just like the other women in her life? Have you ever thought that she's doing these things to see how far she can push you before she 'proves' that you're going to go away too?
She's at a really crucial age right now. Not quite a little kid but not as independent as a teenager. She needs a 'mommy' but she isn't a baby anymore either.
If you are serious enough with her father that you plan on being there permanently - then make sure she knows that and make sure she knows you are there for her too.
No, I never thought of that...thank you for that insight, I will take that into consideration.
BTW- why can't she use scissors? She's 9 - not 2. If you treat her like a baby - you can't expect her to act like a 9 year old.
She can't use scissors WITHOUT supervision. Because she cuts her hair every time she does. If she wants to act like a 2 year old, she'll be treated like one.
She can't use scissors WITHOUT supervision. Because she cuts her hair every time she does. If she wants to act like a 2 year old, she'll be treated like one.
Is she cutting it to make it shorter because she wants shorter hair - or is she doing it as a threat - like it's going to make you look like a dork? Apparently she has not thought out the consequences - she cuts HER hair - SHE looks like the dork and SHE has to deal with it. Harsh - but it is a choice and the consequence will be remembered every time she has to look in the mirror or someone asks her what the heck happened to her hair! LOL!
Ya might want to tell her that she can go right ahead and cut her hair - but SHE'S the one who is going to look funny if she does. She'll have to live with it until it grows out.
I have a 9 year old son - he pulls some of that stuff on me - well he used to but I made him LIVE with the consequences of HIS choice rather than begging or cajoling or bribing or threatening him to change his mind. He'd have a tantrum if we didn't go where he wanted to go and say he wasn't coming with us. Okay! I'll call the baby sitter and YOU can stay home - but you will not be watching TV or having 'fun' time - you can sit in your room and pout. We'll be out having fun. Without you. Only had to call him on it once. He got the message and figured out sometimes it's not always good to get what you ask for.
You're in such a tough position - it really is harder when it's not your child. But be patient and love her (trust me on this one - even birth parents can feel the same way you do at times!) - my brother went through it with his two step children. But in the end - they were his children. Both of them petitioned the court on the 18th birthday to have their last name legally changed to his. Because THEY wanted to. He could not have ever gotten a bigger present.
That's really cool about your brother. Her father has done that, and she doesn't care. She does it everytime. She's trying to grow her hair out, so I don't get it.
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