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    Cararay's Avatar
    Cararay Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 4, 2006, 04:37 AM
    I Think My Kids Hate me
    I have 3 grown children, who have families of their own. My oldest son ( 29 ) and my youngest daughyer ( 25 ) are mean and disrespectful too me. It hurts a lot.My son says things that make me feel stupid and my daughter yells at me and calls me names.
    When she's mad, she keeps my 3 year old grandson from me.
    I raised my kids in a private school and was a very involved mother. Their biological father left when they were 6 years old and under, and he still does not see them or contact them.
    I always apologize, even if I don't need too. I always tell them how much they mean to me. I babysit for free, loan money when I have it. Get them cell phone accounts, but I think they hate me. The way they treat me is horrible. There is no drugs involved or drinking to any excess by them ( I don't do either ). They don't really fight amoungest each other, but the do take things out on me.
    I feel like I should just stay away and let them come to me, maybe miss me a little. See what life is like without mom to bully around. Is this a rediculas idea ? Any advice?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Nov 4, 2006, 05:13 AM
    I feel like I should just stay away and let them come to me, maybe miss me a little. See what life is like without mom to bully around. Is this a rediculas idea ? Any advice?
    I think that you have answered your own question and you should follow your own advice. I think it is an excellent way to solve your problem. And stop apologizing when you don't have too. You may have to miss the grandkids for a while but no way should you take this abuse from your own kids. Stand your ground and take no prisoners. I would have cussed the ungrateful little b@$t@#ds out and told them to don't ever come back.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #3

    Nov 4, 2006, 05:14 AM
    I think your closing statement says it all. How long has this been going on? There's obviously some resentment about something where they're concerned. Maybe it's over their father leaving, maybe it's over something else. Not that it's your fault but they may perceive it that way. But I'd definitely make myself scarce for a while. If the ask why you can confront them about their behavior and insist that unless they treat you with respect then that's how it's going to be.
    Blackbird's Avatar
    Blackbird Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Nov 5, 2006, 01:33 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cararay
    I have 3 grown children, who have families of thier own. My oldest son ( 29 ) and my youngest daughyer ( 25 ) are mean and disrespectful too me. It hurts alot.My son says things that make me feel stupid and my daughter yells at me and calls me names.
    When she's mad, she keeps my 3 year old grandson from me.
    I raised my kids in a private school and was a very involved mother. Thier biological father left when they were 6 years old and under, and he still does not see them or contact them.
    I always apologize, even if I don't need too. I always tell them how much they mean to me. I babysit for free, loan money when I have it. Get them cell phone accounts, but I think they hate me. The way they treat me is horrible. There is no drugs involved or drinking to any excess by them ( I don't do either ). They dont really fight amoungest each other, but the do take things out on me.
    I feel like I should just stay away and let them come to me, maybe miss me a little. See what life is like without mom to bully around. Is this a rediculas idea ? Any advice?
    I agree, your closing statement says it all! You KNOW what to do... you just have to do it!

    It's letting them go with out letting them go.

    It's freeing yourself of that guilt of something that's not totally your fault.

    When you started apologizing they started blaming you at a young age. That pattern has been evolving for 20 years now. Break it! Stop apologizing.

    Do you ever take the time to write your thoughts out in a journal? Maybe write letters to people without actually sending them. Sound weird? It works. Then just throw the letters away and keep that big smile of yours.

    You already know what you don't like and what you do. But writing it out helps to clarify your thoughts in your mind, maintain peace with in yourself and will give you confidence.

    As you feel more confident in the way YOU DESERVE to be treated they will naturally be forced to treat your differently. Life changes work from the inside out. Make the change, break the cycle, have the confidence to know that what ever you do you will never lose them. Keep loving them.
    dbek's Avatar
    dbek Posts: 74, Reputation: 4
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    #5

    Nov 17, 2006, 08:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cararay
    I have 3 grown children, who have families of thier own. My oldest son ( 29 ) and my youngest daughyer ( 25 ) are mean and disrespectful too me. It hurts alot.My son says things that make me feel stupid and my daughter yells at me and calls me names.
    When she's mad, she keeps my 3 year old grandson from me.
    I raised my kids in a private school and was a very involved mother. Thier biological father left when they were 6 years old and under, and he still does not see them or contact them.
    I always apologize, even if I don't need too. I always tell them how much they mean to me. I babysit for free, loan money when I have it. Get them cell phone accounts, but I think they hate me. The way they treat me is horrible. There is no drugs involved or drinking to any excess by them ( I don't do either ). They dont really fight amoungest each other, but the do take things out on me.
    I feel like I should just stay away and let them come to me, maybe miss me a little. See what life is like without mom to bully around. Is this a rediculas idea ? Any advice?
    I would not allow my children to disrespect me that way. Tell them it hurts your feelings, and when they can talk to you decent you will talk to them. Be firm and let them know your feelings. Sounds like you give them whatever they want and they still run all over you. Stop doing that, it's just enabling them and they are going to continue to treat you that way.
    Reecie's Avatar
    Reecie Posts: 25, Reputation: -1
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    #6

    Jun 22, 2008, 07:24 PM
    I feel so sorry for you. I have one child and he has treated me as bad as yours have treated you and even worse. My son is is estranged from the mother of his child.. They have been fighting in court. For some reason something has happened that my son has started showing some appreciation and love to me. God knows why. He has a three year old. That's my only grnadchild. The child is mean to me when his father comes to pick him up. He will smile and tell my husband good bye but he acts mad and will not even smile at me. I'm the one who buys his clothes, buys his toys, takes him to events, takes him to the libray and takes him to anything appropriate for a 3 and 1/2 year old and I'm the very person he will not tell good bye. Are you beginning to catch on. The people you do the very most for are the very people who are the meanest to you. So, get a life, I am. Let them come to you. I have found this to be true in everything I have ever done. I adored my husband and he was horrible to me, I adored my son and he was horrible to me and now I adore this only grandchild and he, at only 3 and one half is being mean to me. Now just what does that tell y It does not pay to run after people. Let them come to you. I'm so ready to move away from my son, his son and my husband. All they do is use me and I have been used until I can hardly stand it any more. Just do what I say. Let them come to you and if they don't, screw them. I'm so tempted to move and not tell anyone where I am. My husband lost our business and our house and all of our assetts and I closed his company, he was my biggest enemy, and I started another business in my name. He has no appreciations for anythig I did. I'm telling you the less you give the more you get. I helped a friend with a garden club luncheon, I made most the food, I told her I would pay for half her flowers in the house. Six months later we had the meeting at my house. I had it catered. I had to pick everything up. I had to buy all the flowers and she never said, would you like for me to help with the flowers. Take my word for all of this. Giving is not the answer. I'm a giver and all I find are takers. There are plenty of them out there. Stop giving and if they don't show up. Forget them. They should be coming to you. That's what I'm going to be doing. I have spend a fortune for nothing but abuse.
    ROSY123's Avatar
    ROSY123 Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #7

    Jun 19, 2009, 11:34 PM
    I don't know where you live... IN THE USA.. but If I can help.. OH... Here I go... doing just what people like you and I need to STOP doing...

    BUT... HEY.. IT IS ME..

    If I can help..

    Helping others makes me feel better...
    I would rather spend time helping others than doing for myself... BUT... HEY... I am about 50 pounds overweight.. and can afford to GIVE.. PLEASE... GIVE... Weight wise..

    BUT... I have a truly great big heart... Mostly for Animals... BUt for people... I am there 50%... If you have an animal right thing going on... I will be there 100%...

    But here is how I see it... If an Animal Bites me... he hates me...

    Humans... they play these amazing games... and you wonder... do they hate me? Do they like me? Do they love me?.

    I like the animal world...

    Love... Hate...

    Makes things so much simpler...

    NO games... just LIFE!
    frred's Avatar
    frred Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Aug 4, 2009, 11:23 PM
    Screw them.. go live your life...
    frred's Avatar
    frred Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Aug 4, 2009, 11:23 PM
    Screw them.. go live your life...
    faraway1's Avatar
    faraway1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Dec 29, 2009, 07:16 PM
    :*(
    I came across your question when I typed the very same question. I can't move because my kids need me, they are still teens. But I feel so broken inside by their insults... I live separate from their dad, their dad, who doesn't respect me at all always says it is my fault that my kids are acting like this. Sometimes I am so tired of living but I know my kids need me so I stay.
    shaunster's Avatar
    shaunster Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Apr 20, 2010, 12:36 AM
    Wow, horrible advice on this forum. First of all, do not ignore your kids, that will only legitimize their insults by validating their temporary belief that you are/were a bad mother. Second of all I find it highly unlikely that both your kids act this way without any cause, your post reads as if you are the perfect concerned parent and they are demons, I doubt it. I used to have an estranged relationship with my mother, I loved her with all my heart, but she was very selfish during my youth without realizing it and witnessing that selfishness over the years grew a deep resentment within me.

    The way you word your post reminds me of her. Always the victim of circumstance yet never the admitted offender. Always trying to solve the problem yet never really wanting to. Remember, every child will always feel like a child around their parent, they can be grown up and act grown up but a simple argument will revert them back to the moody teenager they once were in a moment, especially if they have resentments. I would have to wonder certain things: a) what were their relationships like with the other men in your life? b) how often did you move and how stable was their upbringing? c) were problems in the family ignored or addressed as a family when they were young? d) what kind of family activities did you all do together when they were young? These things can easily add up to either a healthy relationship or a closeted bitter relationship. In my case it was the latter because my mother would date dangerous losers, she was very judgmental of other people, and was so insecure it made me have anxiety all the time because I wanted to help yet was too young to. You sounds to at least have the insecurity issue. This can have a horrible effect on a kid when they look up to you as being their protector and role model yet you are crying in a corner waiting for a man to take care of your problems, this makes a child feel like they need to take over yet they are too young and scared to do so which causes stress and anxiety. Just like a dog who has an insecure owner, they run rampant around the house, do what they want and get super aggressive. It's not the dog's fault, it's the owners for not leading the pack.

    It's a tough gig and I feel for you. Pretty much every parent who posted on this board sounds like a crappy parent because their response is to immediately shun their children. That's immature, these are your children regardless of their age. They care about you but they might be in a position they were never prepared for, parents today do a horrible job preparing their kids for life. Instead they stick their kids in-front of a TV, or work all day ignoring them, or tell them generic regurgitated falsehoods such as go to college, get married, have kids and you'll be happy... cause you know, it worked out so well for the parent telling their kids this. Instead of getting to truly know their child as a person they simply believe they know best and refuse to look in the mirror even when their child is an adult and still holds resentment.

    Instead of reacting with stubbornness like an idiotic child, which by the way will only increase the odds of your kids never talking to you, why not become a leader in their eyes. Schedule an outing or time to meet, have a plan, do something fun with your kids and grandkids together as a family. Don't live your life vicariously through them but instead become someone they look up to, a person they can rely on, create your own life and welcome them in it at any time. Have a passion for life like you did when you were young. These are the things that make a wonderful parent. Unfortunately you have the tough job, you have to earn your kids respect but they don't have to earn yours, it sucks but that's the blessing and curse of parenthood.

    I can tell you it's worth it. When I was 23 I went to visit my mom after leaving for a long time when I was 18, she was so happy with this new business she had as a songwriter and event organizer, she had no money and lived in an extremely modest home but for the first time in my life I saw an ambition in her eyes that I had never seen before. I was proud of her, which was a new feeling for me, she had stopped worrying about other people and the weight of the world and started embracing her passions. I was so moved by her motivation that I put my resentment on hold and decided we should take guitar lessons together, it was the best mother & son moments we ever had and every week I looked forward to the lessons. This continued for 2 years and during those short 2 years I let all of that resentment go. When I was 25 I received a phone call one evening telling me she had an aneurism, I rushed to the hospital to find she was brain dead and on life support. I was devastated yet so lucky because I saw her the day before, we talked for a while about all of her ideas, we laughed and hugged before parting and I could tell we both felt that amazing sense of peace from being a real family once again. The hardest decision I ever had to make was to take my mother off life support yet during my time in the hospital I was able to reflect on our relationship in the past and I became acutely grateful for the strength she showed 2 years previous, the inspiration she gave me that allowed me to let go of the past and live in the present. I'll just leave with this, live your life, but never give up on your kids. Show them respect by respecting yourself, inspire them by achieving your dreams, and love them by being there without judgment and giving them time.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #12

    Apr 20, 2010, 07:40 AM

    The problem is, you accept their bad behaviour. It has nothing to do with them being your children, it has everything to do with your inability to say no.

    You keep them hanging on with money, phones, etc. and apologizing when you've done nothing wrong. This is an inappropriate way to deal with any adult, let alone your adult children.

    I would start with an 'emotional vacation'. Advise them that you are taking two weeks off. No contact for two weeks. No phone calls, email, showing up unnanounced, etc. A two week breather.

    During that time, reflect on even the past year. Write down what your relationship with your children means, and what it is worth. Consider things like substance, respect, boundaries.

    Make a list of things you are not going to do anymore. No loans, no phones, no free babysitting, etc.

    When you come back from your 'vacation', sit them down and tell them that things are going to change, simply because this is YOUR life, and you will insist on changes because their behaviour is affecting the quality of your life.

    When you've taken due charge, get out and do something for yourself. Join a club, work a few hours a week at your local food bank, sign up to help with reading at your local schools, volunteer at the hospital. Keep busy with things that you enjoy instead of dwelling on the negativity and hangovers of dealing with your adult children.

    Let them be their own adults, and let them find solutions to their own problems. You aren't doing them any favours by bailing them out, and do not allow emotional blackmail to set you back.

    Start living.
    Deni10's Avatar
    Deni10 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    May 3, 2010, 08:54 AM
    Three out of four of my children hate me. It is sad that our little children can turn into resentful monsters with an unrealistic sense of entitilement. My kids hate me because they don't have the latest upgrades on their phones, or enough earrings. I am called evil when I don't give them what they want. I am cursed out for asking (yes asking) them to complete their chores. My kids want me to die and they don't care about me. The sad thing is that I have loved them dearly. I have provided love, trust, respect, security, and everything that comes with being a mother. I must say that I have also supported them in their academics. I have done countless things such as sporting events, award ceremonies, dances, proms, academics, field trips, bake sales, buying whatever they need for events, I have done it all times 4. They don't care about at all. They don't care if I am sick. They still want me to perform. I am called evil when I don't reward bad behavior. They get physical with me when I don't do as they say. My son had to go live with his father because he is a bad character. He is 17 yrs and is not very nice to me. He has only lived with his father for 8 months, but I provide the food, clothing, medical, etc.. His father does not do squat. They are spoiled and ungrateful brats and I don't want to deal with their behavior any more. I am done. I want to be happy and I am tired of them attempting to make me feel guility for not giving the lasted things.
    Deni10's Avatar
    Deni10 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    May 3, 2010, 08:56 AM

    Their ages are 19, 17, 14 & 12.. I don't want advice. I want to know how do you feel in your situation. Like the person who posted this original question that has been going on for nearly 4 years. I cannot comment on other people situation, I just know that mine is extreme and I am seeking a way out.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #15

    May 10, 2010, 08:59 AM

    This thread is three and a half years old.

    I doubt the OP will be back for your advice.

    Closed.
    Learnenlife's Avatar
    Learnenlife Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jun 30, 2010, 08:23 PM
    Comment on faraway1's post
    I typed in the same question myself. I think its attributable to the "single parent" syndrom. I have always apologized for everything. I raised my kids to know how great they were to me, but I always made sure I stood in their shadows. No, they have
    fairyfirefly's Avatar
    fairyfirefly Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jul 9, 2010, 12:26 AM
    Comment on shaunster's post
    So your saying just let your kids take the total piss out of you?? I don't think so... I have mental health problems and my kids take full advantage of this.. Im stepping back and looking out for me. Whether they like it or not! Mothers are not here to

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