At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
My son is 24 years old. I have always been there for him. His father and I split when he was 12 and his sister 17. I raised them pretty much on my own before then anyway- my ex was a mechanic who would rather find any excuse than be home with his family. He used to stay late at work doing side jobs, then just stay there hanging out with his work buddies. My ex and I split in 1996, and I moved in with a co-worker, and not long after met my now husband. We also worked together. My son went back and forth between me and his father for a while, and finally settled down with me and my husband. Last fall my son decided he wanted to do the hippie thing and go out west. He fell in love with a girl. She had just gotten out of a relationship,and she and my son had kept in touch for about a year. I told him he should save his $$ and then go, but he was adamant and would not listen. Her father gave them a truck, and off they went- Colorado- she had a cousin there, so they would get jobs. That did not work out, so they went to California, and Arizona. They got jobs there and they loved it. I talked to him every single day. When their truck blew a tire, and they did not know what to do, I paid for 2 new tires over the phone. Then my son's front tooth broke- I told him if he were here, I could try to help him out with getting his tooth fixed (he needed a lot of dental work- he was having a little done at a time before he left)- I found out it would cost me $1200 up front, which I don't have. He came back, and then got mad at me- because he said I lied. That all leads up to last year- 4th of July weekend. It started out to be a good day- we were listening to old Dylan and talking- he was making some jello shots to sell at a festival- but then he started drinking them- they were strong. I told him he was getting carried away and needed to stop. Next thing I knew, my daughter got mad at him saying he had eaten all her lunch meat (did I mention he and his girlfriend were now living in my basement, and only she was working?- when they got back he was rearended by a woman in front of our house, and the truck- their house they had been living it out west- was totalled)- he had no way to get to work. The whole 4th of July turned nasty- my son started listening to his music- loudly- and when asked to turn it down, got louder- and started singing loudly. He came upstairs (they were living in the basement) and he and my husband argued. My son pushed me. He then went downstairs and called the cops- he said it was because he was afraid someone would get hurt. My son pushed me, and when the cops got there they arrested him. My daughter and I tried to straighten out the mess, but to no avail. My son and his girlfriend moved in with her father for a time. The only contact my son had after that with me was to tell me what a bad mother I am- he dropped out of school and 15, and he blamed me (how do you get someone there who is 2x your size- carry them)? I tried everything, I met with the probation officer, the principal- all to no avail. I don't know where he has gotten the memories of his childhood, but he blames me for EVERYTHING- none of what he says is true, but he won't talk to me to let me set the record straight. My grandson (my first) was born a month ago, and I have never seen him. If not for myspace, I would not even know what he looks like. I went to where my son works at Christmas and gave him a card with $50 (they really need the money, and I thought maybe that would be the beginning of mending fences) but all that happened was he got mad (he was working at Chili's, and it was very busy.)- I don't know what to do- he won't talk to me, answer my e-mails, nothing- it's all I think about- all day- not fair to my family, but my heart is broken- what do I do?
Dear Emland, Thanks for that insight. I feel for your friend and for her children. I hope they can all come to terms with it and be able to patch it up or get on with their lives.
I have been examining myself to see if I have done anything to cause what my kids are doing to me. Surely, I have taken on some interests of my own but I consider those to be healthy for me and my family. Maybe I even neglected them sometimes -- I don't think so -- but maybe. I'll have to pray about it more and examine my heart to see if I truly believe whether I did or not. I could take on a lot of guilt, if I let myself, but I don't want to take on false guilt. I am prone to that. I would rather take the blame than to keep a conflict going but, in this case, it is a very serious situation and very serious charges against me and I want the truth to come out. I just think that after a person gets to be 40 or 50 years old -- that they should begin to take some responsibility for their own mistakes and problems.
A lot of people go through a period of adjustment to adulthood that is really, really difficult and they both want their parents to save them and clean up their messes, and to also get out of their way. Your son is complicating matters with a lot of very poor choices and I'm guessing the Jello shot incident was not the only one.
You may be dealing with an alcoholic, and while I really don't know anything about your family and am not passing judgement, consider what your home environment was like for him. Were others in the family heavy drinkers? It's not unforgiveable for families to have problems but the things you described like your own relationship changes, can hurt even teen or adult kids more than we like to think they would. Give him time - you have no choice anyway if you can't reach him. Work on your own life, and finding your own peace and happiness. Peace and happiness are rarely perfect, and missing your son will make yours imperfect. However, I've learned though that even when a major thing like that is wrong in our lives, we have to savor and focus on what is good because it provides us the reserves and fortitude, and sets us up to be able to best manage the opportunities to fix the bad things when they come to us. Just a thought.
ksatagaj: From the PMs you have sent, I get the impression that you think I am accusing you of something. I am not. I read your post - a couple of times, actually.
The first you mention of him getting angry was after his tooth incident. You state he said you lied - but didn't clarify about what or whether you two resolved it.
At 23 your son is umemployed and living in your basement and getting drunk to the point it gets the law involved. He has made numerous bad decisions in his life and is probably pretty angry with life in general and you are the easiest target to deflect his own behavior on.
At this point all you can do it wait. Make sure other family members that he is still in contact with know that you want to make things better, but don't push.
Thank you all for your insight- it is much appreciated- I'm sorry for the delay in answering you all, but I am new and I thought I was answering you, but I guess I was in the wrong spot to do it....oops! Sorry! Anyway, I am feeling a little better lately- I no longer cry all the time. I am trying hard to accept the fact that there is nothing more I can do- he has to make the first move. Which is really hard for me, because I have always been the one to fix both my kid's problems. I hope that it does not take him as long as Jennipants, but if it does- so be it. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason- in my case I know it happened because I needed him to move out and get a life of his own- but what a way to go about it! And I agree with you, Forgiven- neither you nor I deserve this. In my case, yes I miss my son terribly, but it also hurts because I was unable to share the joy in the pregnancy and birth of my first grandson. Anyway, thanks again for all the good advice.
ksatagaj: From the PMs you have sent, I get the impression that you think I am accusing you of something. I am not. I read your post - a couple of times, actually.
The first you mention of him getting angry was after his tooth incident. You state he said you lied - but didn't clarify about what or whether you two resolved it.
At 23 your son is umemployed and living in your basement and getting drunk to the point it gets the law involved. He has made numerous bad decisions in his life and is probably pretty angry with life in general and you are the easiest target to deflect his own behavior on.
At this point all you can do it wait. Make sure other family members that he is still in contact with know that you want to make things better, but don't push.
Unfortunately, Emland, my son is not in contact with any family members- he asked his sister to go meet him somewhere, but she did not like having conditions put on her- he told her she was not allowed to talk about any of us- me or his stepfather, maybe his father- that one I don't know. But you're right- I can do nothing more than wait. I have never been a patient person- but what choice do I have? And as for the tooth incident, the reason he said I lied was that I did say he could come back and I would pay for the dentist, but I did not know how expensive it would be to fix that tooth. The dentist had done a root canal on it, and he wanted $1200- up front, he would not take payments, as I have been paying on dental work that was done previously for him. And I do not have $1200, or I would have paid for it. He has borrowed money from me in the past, but he has been very good about paying me back.
I hope I am in the right place this time, but I am so EXCITED- I just wanted to give everyone an update- I met my grandson last night!!! My son called me!! and told me he wanted me to come over!! And while I was there he called his sister and had her come over too!! He said that they will be leaving in November when their lease is up on the apartment and I should enjoy my grandson while I had the chance. They are going back out west. I will miss them horribly, but at least for now I plan to enjoy them as much as I can. I don't think I have stopped smiling once. He has had his tooth fixed and gone back to work at Chili's and they are able to work their schedule so that they don't need a babysitter. None of the past was brought up- we just sat around and talked. I decided to just go with the flow and let him talk about whatever he wanted- if he wanted to have a serious discussion, I would have- I let him decide. He has grown up so much. I am going out soon to have copies of the picture of the baby they gave me and bring one to my mother in law. I am so excited I could have stayed with my son all night! And I know my mother in law will be so happy!! When she first heard they were having a baby, she was so excited to be a great grandmother. Anyway, I really wanted to thank everyone for all their advice---it really helped to keep my sanity. Forgive the rambling length here, but I can't seem to shut up!!! My son seems really happy and I will be going shopping next week- I asked him what I could buy them since I never had the chance, and his girlfriend would like a snuggly- I think that's what you call them- you know, kind of a pouch to hold the baby in front of her, that ties at the waist. They are kind of struggling, so I will also buy them a gift card for groceries- their frig is totally empty, except for a few vegetables in the freezer. Thanks again to all of you.
I must say it is something hel realise later it must be bacause he really has had all in his life and that is that he doesen't realise what he has unless hel lose it but as Ruby said il just tell be carefull you can send gifts and presents but ONLY on occasions and for the baby i might be new to this site but i know alot about those things although i am only 12 the tests say my brain is around 30 years old and i got 148iq
Gaia - he is speaking to us now, so all is good. Even my husband, who he originally had the problem with.. we went over today to drop of some toiletries that they were in need of, and the two of them were chit chatting, like old times. And Forgiven - thank you. I just know good things are starting to happen for all of us - including you!
Linear Mode
