[Burnsie]

My wife of 26 years has decided to have an affair. For months she has been acting strange. Finally after lie after lie I have received copies of emails of the love letters back and forth. In talking to an attorney I was informed that nothing in the copied email letters proved she was having sex with this man. I was instructed to attempt to get her to admitt to having sex with him on tape. That has been accomplished. My wife is close to 50 and is a supervisor at a large company. The alarm to me is her fling is with a man in his early thirties in which she has hired and he reports to her.

In my honest attempt to forgive and forget and sign up for therapy for the both of us, my wife is going through mood swings and denial. She repeatedly is telling me one thing and doing another.

My question is along with not trusting her she is planning behind my back at a daily basis. What protection do I have? Can I be pro active on this affair in a legal way? How can I stop her from hurting herself her family, her kids, her career and last myself? I know you cannot force someone to love you, but even now with her parents upset at her, our two adult son's extremely hurt and upset, and me fighting a high extreme level of stress how can I protect myself from her hidden attempts or at least she thinks they are hidden at destroying my life?

Thank you
Sincerely

[Fr_Chuck]

There is little you can do, and to be honest, except for many in settlement in divorce court, her affair does not have to be proved, and I don't know where you live, but emails are used in court all the time around here for civil actions.

So you can do several things, 1. turn the emails over to her company, since an affair with a employee has to be against company rules.

If you have children at home, you file for divorce and custody of the children. You can even try and have your attorney have this man give a statement if possible.

[Burnsie]

Would still like more opinions on this matter, Thank you.

[vlee]

If you feel like she is still lying and/or cheating then either she is, or you are completely unable to trust her. If it is the latter, that can be corrected through therapy, honesty, communication, and time. But you can't force her to be faithful, and family pressure will not help your situation. If you can both agree to do whatever it takes to get through the rough patch you've stumbled into then you can turn your marriage around. If either of you is unable to give 100%, you will probably find yourselves divorcing. It is always worth a try, but if life is misery, you must let go and move on.

Trying to prove she has cheated is pretty much pointless, unless your aim is to humiliate and hurt her, which won't make things very simple for the children you share, as they are bound to take sides. And I know she is the cheater, but if your kids pick sides they might feel sorry for her at some point. It could just make all of your relationships more painful. If you want to prove she cheated to avoid alimony I think I would offer her a fair settlement on assets/cash, but tell her no alimony. I am sure she would be agreeable to those terms without fighting it out in court.

I really hope that you can mend things, but if it isn't possible I hope you manage to get through a divorce in a mature manner, putting your children first and stuffing your anger down. I wish you luck.

[Burnsie]

It really only covers about 4 chapters of a 10 chapter book, but I really like your stuffing your anger down comment. There is no proving she cheated that's fact. Believing her when she says it's over is difficult. Humilitate is what she has done to me with all the people she hangs out with @ work and after hours in the name of team building??
But anyway I have to let it go so we have signed up for therapy. We shall see... hoping it works and going in with a positive attitude. Keep in mind she is the bread winner which I have always been proud of her, but with are two boys 23 and 20 she wants to embark on a new life, a life without me.

[matnurse]

Hi guys well all I want to say to all of you that have signed up for therapy is good luck.

I was married for 16 yrs when my ex husband had an affair with a close friend of mine,we went to therapy which helped whilst there back at home however life was different every time I looked at him I imagined them together what they had done etc etc etc,I became paronoid checking texts pockets shirt collars for lipstick mylife became hell.I tried to believe and move on when told it had all finsihed,to my horror it hadn't.At court my husband admitted it became like an addiction the thrill of not being caught.

I could no longer cope and became ill the trouble is love is like a vase once the trust is broken and in pieces you try sticking that all back together,

If you can get through this well done but it will be an emotional rollercoaster.

Feel free to questions anytime

Good luck

[Burnsie]

Sorry things did not work out for you. I believe but I have to agree with you. Emotional rollercoaster is right on the money. I don't want it to end but lately it's been nothing more than good day bad day. On bad days she acts as if she has no remorse at all looking for reasons about my faults to justify her actions. She tells me the affair is over but will not say nothing more on the matter. When I ask it seeems to anoy her. I am finding myself a lot like you at this early stage. Being paronoid and not trusting her. I want to believe and I want to trust but it's not there as we go through each day. She acts as if nothing happened and I find myself pushing her away even further by questioning her. Deep down I don't think any therapy can help but I got to give it a try. I really don't want this to end but now it's on her and I cannot force her to fill any differently. Still have hope but dim. Thanks

[Mom of 2]

I myself went through a divorce due to a cheating and emotionally abusive man. I tried everything to try and save the marriage, but instead lost myself in the process. Don't let that happen to you. We tried therapy, but it did not work. I really hope that it works for you, but you also need to be realistic. If someone cheats and honestly shows remorse for their mistake, then there is hope, as everyone makes a mistake. However, from what you have said here, I don't think that your wife is the least bit remorseful. She is projecting her guilty feelings onto you in the form of anger and blame. That is not healthy. The basis for any good relationship is communication and trust. It is apparent that both things are not present in your relationship.

I feel that you are full of fear for the future. You are now in the same position that so many of us women who go through divorces find ourselves in. Our lives changed drastically because we were not the breadwinners of the family and our financial situation took a nosedive because of this. We have to do things that we never imagined ourselves having to do. It was never supposed to be like that. However, reality hits and sometimes it hits hard. You have to do what you have to do. Make sure that you are making decisions about your future that are in the best interests of your mental health, which may not necessarily be in your financial best interest. If you are on a constant rollercoaster, then is that worth any amount of money? Sorry to be so brutal, but you stated that you wanted an opinion.

[Burnsie]

You are right on the money not brutal at all. Thanks for sharing with me your thoughts. Life is all about choices, some good, some bad. I believe therapy at this point will help me release the anger and move forward. As for my wife, therapy at this point is just a way to say see we tried but it's not going to work. I'm not naïve but I do believe if you want something bad enough you will give 100% effort into repairing. Problem is she is going into it with a negative attitude which is already off on the wrong foot. Oh well, got to try but not going to let it bother my reserve nerve anymore. It will be what it will be.
Thanks much.

[Mom of 2]

My ex-husband was in the same mind set in regards to marital therapy that your wife is in. At our last session, he actually stormed out of the room because he did not like what was being said. Needless to say, you can't continue this kind of therapy when the other person refuses to return!! I continued with my own therapy and this has helped me tremendously. If you do go to marital therapy, do not be too accusatory towards your ex or overly defensive towards yourself. Be open to really trying to hear what is being said. This is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, correct whatever mistakes that you have made (yes, we ALL make mistakes) so that your next relationship can be a better one. It is never good practice to do the blame game, as nothing usually comes out of it. However, do not confuse this by not saying anything about your FEELINGS towards the fact that your wife had an affair. Focus on YOUR feelings and avoid the blame, even though she did not make a good choice.

Good luck to you and keep your head up!!

[dontbmean2me]

If your wife is having an affair and doesn't love you, you should let her go. Divorce her. You're older, your kids are grown, split the assets and call it a day. If she gets in trouble at work about the guy she's running with it won't be your problem anymore because the marriage will be over. Problem solved.

[inthebox]

Burnsie:

So sorry.
Emotions aside,
Know all bank accounts, credit card accounts, titles, insurance, retirement, credit report etc..
In most no-fault states, infidelity does not matter. But it might help your case about possession of the house, the children and support.
Do not leave your house to separate - possession is 90 %.

Therapy won't work unless both parties give it 100%, so don't waste time or money.
Agree with Mom.. that therapy for your own mental health is probably worth it.
Get supportive peolple around you - those that can listen and sympathize AND NOT stir up anger or revenge against your wife.

Right now things are too raw and emotional. Even on her part.
There may be a chance to work things out, if you work TOGETHER to save your marriage.
Anger will kil you.

Remember
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


Grace and Peace

[talaniman]

She is not handling her change in life that well, as cheating is not the way to go, but I have to ask if your employed?