[Irena3]

Hi there, I am new to this but I have no one else to ask. I have been married for 14 yrs. And dated him for 3 years before we were married. He is the only man I have ever been with. We have 3 amazing kids together. He is a wonderful, kind, honest and faithful man. But for the past few years we have had allot of problems and he knows if it was not for the kids I would have left him. He has lived our lives the way he wanted to for 14 yrs. Never asking me what I want. He even moved us out of town without asking me. He just told me he wanted to move and then one day came home and told me he made an offer on a house. I hate my new home and we have been here for 5 yrs. I have been going to this amazing store for my grocery shopping for the past 4 yrs. And about 7 months ago they hired someone new. And it is obvious that this guy likes me. He knows I am married and have kids because I sometimes bring them shopping with me. He goes out of his way to talk to me. And I find that if I am in the vegetable isle he will be there, or if I am in the dairy section he will find an excuse to be there also. And when I am at the cash register he is always there talking to one of the cashiers. Lately I find myself thinking about him. I go to this store 1 to 2 times a week. And I feel terribly guilty that I like the way he makes me feel. I even fantasize about him. And I feel so awful about that. Because I find myself making excuses to go to the store.

[J_9]

Irena, first let me say that I moved your post from the introduction board to the Marriage board as introductions is where we just say hi, and this board will get you the answers you deserve.

Now as far as your problem. If you are unhappy get a divorce before you go any further with this man. You have 3 children that you must consider. The will find out, trust me. They will lose all trust and respect for you when they do. Is this a message you want to send your children? That adultry is acceptable? I didn't think so.

You should maybe find a new store to frequent. You are caught up in the moment right now, your marriage has gone stale. Try to get a spark back in that marriage, try a date night, go out for the weekend just the two of you. But by all means do not have an affair as your children look up to you to teach them right from wrong, what message would you be giving them?

[Irena3]

Thank you. I would never cheat on my husband. Because numer 1 we have 3 children together and that is why Divorce is not an option. I will not and cannot do this to my kids. And it's just not in me to cheat. It would eat me up inside. And thanks for moving this to the marriage board. Since I am new here I have no idea whatr to do yet.

[rosepedal]

Stop what your starting. You are better than that. Its nice to know that you've still got it, but you don't want the kind of guilt that goes with what your thinking about. Besides you love your husband and don't want to hurt him.
You need to start sticking up for yourself, and discuss things with your husband. I don't know what kind of problems your having but you can't let people walk all over you and just find an easy way out. Marriage isn't always easy but it is definitely worth it in the end.
I think you need to talk to your husband and let him know how important it is and how hurt you are. Its not a good idea to threaten but just let him know that your hurting and unhappy. Try not to make him feel guilty because problems aren't one sided. Just let him know something's not right and you want to make it better.
Good luck Ill be praying for you

[J_9]

It is good that you understand that adultry is not an option. Maybe find an alternate store to go to, or take your kids with you every time to keep you grounded, you know.

[Irena3]

That is why I take my youngest daughter with me all the time. Because I know that nothing will ever happen. And I have told my husband so many times that he has hurt me by living my life for me. And his answer is always the same. He says I just thought that this was the best thing for us. And I have told him that I love him but he has hurt me so much that I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore. I also told him out of guilt that someone at the store likes me(but I did not tell him that I am attracted to him). And he does not think that's a big deal. We have been together since I was 17 and he was 19. We are very honest with each other. But I just never thought I would ever have butterflies in my stomach for anyone else. And I miss that feeling.

[J_9]

Have you discussed counseling with him? This may be what is needed for the two of you at this juncture in your lives.

[Irena3]

He wants to go but I hate to say it but I don't. I have already told him that he has done so many things to make me bitter and angry that I don't think anything can help. I hate the home I live in. And I asked him a few years ago is this worth our marriage falling apart. But he still does not want to leave here and says I'll get use to it. But I just resent him so much at this point in our lives for all the thoughtless things he has done to hurt me. That as I told him I am just beyond forgiveness. I try to get past it but I just can't. And I can't break up this home and way of life for my kids. Whom are happy and mentally healthy. Divorce can screw them up. And I have no place to go or any close family or friends who will support me or make things easier for me. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and my husband knows this all to well.

[J_9]

Hun, if you are not happy then your children are not happy. Children are remarkable beings in that they can sense what is going on inside our heads and our hearts no matter how we try and cover it up.

Yes, divorce can screw them up, but staying in a loveless hate filled marriage will screw them up worse.

You say you don't want to go to counseling, that means that you are not willing to work through the problems. Yes, your husband may have been cotrolling in that he was making decisions for you, but he is willing to try and make his marriage work. As it is right now you marriage is not working and you are not willing to try and fix it.

Remember, the children are very sensitive to our feelings, they know when something is wrong even if we don't show it outwardly.

[Irena3]

Me and hubby are great at pretending. We hug and kiss in front of the kids. And when they are in school or sleeping we discuss us and our crap. My husband also told me that he can't live without me and that if I ever leave him he will kill himself. So I am just stuck and am trying real hard pretending to be happy. For the sake of my family unit. I did tell him that when the kids are grown and married I will have my own life the way I want it with him or without him. But he says that by then he will make things right. I hope he does. We do have history together. He was my first and only love and lover. And maybe I am just going threw something. Maybe I am curious about another man because I am so unhappy. But I will stay faithful.

[Fr_Chuck]

First of course he won't kill hisself if you leave, that is just a thing men who are controlling will use, then they will threaten to take the kids away, burn the house down, and on and on and on.

And no one fools the kids, and guess what you would be surprised what they hear at night,

YOu need to go to counseling and see if you can make things work, if not, then use counseling to find the right way to break up.

But often counseling can do wonders.

[Marily]

I don't think that you are in love with this man, what I do believe is that you like the way he is treating you and the fact that you are perhaps craving for special attention from your husband, because you might not get it from him, you go to the supermarket trying to get it from that is giving it to you. I suggest that you try to solve things with your husband, yes he did treat you badly, try to forgive and also try to find a new place to go shop, nothing good can come of the supermarket man.

[JoeCanada76]

You need to go to counseling. By not wanting to go, that tells me that you're the problem not the husband. Your just trying to take an easy way out and obviously being married for this long shows me you both have a strong commitement. Do not ruin your marriage or your kids over a crush. You need counseling and your husband is willing to go. You need to do this for your kids, for yourself and for your husband.

The love is there, it just needs that spark. Being close to each other and having open communication is important in any relationship and marriage. Counseling is a way of opening it up and trying to work on understanding each other and offering hope that you could continue for another 14 years. Love just does not disappear. It might be hiding through the rough times but it is the rough times if worked through it will make your marriage stronger.

Of course, I am giving you my thoughts on this. It is your decision on how you deal with this.

Joe

[matiasmommy]

Try getting hold of Tony Robbins Power Talk recording about the power of intimacy. It is paired with an interview with Wayne Dyer. Try the library or eBay.

It talks about the power of polarity in intimate relationships. Most relationships do not end for lack of love, they end for lack of intimacy. Its perfectly normal to be attracted to others in the journey of life. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I think it is telling you that you and your husband need to re-connect and re-kindle that closeness you once had. This business about the house and that- I suspect it never occurred to him that this wasn't what you wanted as well. You both need to find a way to talk to each other, openly and lovingly. Talk goes a long way to helping both people express themselves and stay connected.

Think about what you value, and what you need and want in your life. Then work on attracting those things to you!

Cheers

Jani Teeter
L3 Director, CSG

[gypsy456]

Irena...

Your husband -the way you describe him- seems to have ruled a lot in your marriage.
However... I can only go at what I read, but by the sound of it you have allowed him to do so...

Children are incredibly intuitive... they have a sense whether things are real or not.
We can fool ourselves, but children are not to be fooled.
They live -unlike many adults- with their intuition, their gut feeling... it's the only "wisdom" they have at a young age without even realising it.

Maybe it's time for you to open your mouth and share with your husband what you share here... tell him that things have to change.

As for threatening to kill himself when you leave?
Ai... that's manipulative.

Maybe it's time for a counselor rather than a new man in your life ?
A third party may be useful to help you to learn to voice your needs and guide you and your husband.

Good luck.

[E3317]

There is research on the act of doing research that estimates that up to 70% of all statistics are fabricated. These are professional people doing research that we base our lives upon that are doing the frabicating. This leads me to believe that most of the post we view are either missig something, or has something added in an attempt to create an image that will attract certain type of responders. Just reading your post I know that you left out some very important details. I don't knock you for that, but just remember the majority of the responders are going to respond to what you write instead of reading between the lines.

[Irena3]

When I met my husband I was only 17 and he was my first boyfriend. He made me feel loved and wanted. He was my first and only and I let him control me. I know that. But my whole life, since I was little I let others control me and I never stand up for myself. It has been a problem in my life and I have wanted to go to therapy for this for the longest time but I never did. My husband has always been the strong, confident one. And he always made me feel safe. But I am not 17 anymore and as I got older I wanted things to be different but he always controlled the situation. He is a good and honest person but as everyone he has bad traits. And at my age(34) at this point in my life I am just getting fed up and need things to be my way for once. And I have discussed this with him but he just does not listen. I mean he really does not want to hear it. He always says. I try my best and that's it. But nothing ever changes. At this point I have 3 children and many years with this man. So basically I maid my bed and now I must lay in it.

[ordinaryguy]

So basically I maid my bed and now I must lay in it.

Or, you could get up, strip the sheets, throw them in the washer and change it. If he's willing to go to counselling but you aren't, you have no basis for complaining about how he won't change. It's true that it's unhealthy for him to be calling all the shots, but until you assert yourself and follow through with changes in yourself, you're just as responsible as he is for the way things are.

[ninahhhdreams]

My husband also told me that he can't live without me and that if I ever leave him he will kill himself.

I would stop him right there with that comment. That's not cute or funny. And then look how it puts you on a sort of edge so that now YOU'RE responsible for what he would do to himself...

When I first read your post I wanted to say guys make us smile all the time and yes we fantasize, but unless that man asks you out... you get me? You are just fantasizing. You're already thinking you're cheating. Smile, be cordial. Go home. Fantasize. There's nothing there indicating you're off with another man cheating.:)

When you and your husband talk about the "crap", start light, like making "fun" of the situation( let me clarify: clearly there is NOTHING to laugh at, but when dealing with guys, you sort of have to be the old golf buddy, to get it all out of him... ) then go into it by saying"... it makes me feel____when_____". And not "you always____".

Just a suggestion. Hope it helps!:)

[talaniman]

This isn't about your husband, the house, the grocery guy, or anything else. This is about you not getting off your butt, and getting a life that you enjoy. Your still waiting on your husband to get you a life and he can't. Stop being mad at yourself, and putting it on everything or everybody. Get off the pity pot, and go take a class or get a job, or how about some new interesting girlfriends, or activities you enjoy. Your whole post cries that you have nothing else to do, but feel sorry for yourself, and all you really need are some good positive actions, to have something to do for yourself. So decide what exactly you want, and just do it. Depending on anyone but yourself for your happiness is foolish, so don't ask, just get up and do. You'll be much happier about yourself.