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mcgmark · Jan 31, 2007, 10:08 AM

Ok so here's the deal. I read a lot of threads and responses. Very good advice from this forum.

Here is my story.

I dated a girl 8 years ago we fell hard for each other and since then she has been my "dream girl" the girl I put every new girl up against.. The girl I'd think about while I'm with other girls.. It didn't work out because of living distance and our lives...

So we broke up... 8 years goes by and she kept in touch maybe once a year..

Just before Christmas last year she calls me and tells me how she had a dream about me and had to find me.. I tell her we should see each other because it had been so many years and she agrees..

Dinner goes well and we date for a month spending every free moment together...

The last 2 weeks she has been text messaging me, calling me and wanting to hang out less.

I asked her what is up and she said nothing I want to be with you but I want space..

So I think what I did was.. Since I was so excited to finally be with her I may have been to possessive and clingy and needy and jealous , etc... She even said I was putting too much pressure on her... I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon...

So today is the first day after her saying she wants space..

How should I treat this? Should I completely cut off all contact? I mean if she kept in contact with me through the last 8 years I should probably trust her to contact me if she wants to after she gets the space she needs...

But here's my problem.. I am the type of person that needs closure... I am a Libra and this whole mystery of not knowing what is going on is driving me insane and if I had some closure I could begin to get over this heart break...

Problem I see with closure is I don't want to push her away for good...

Any advice?

Edit: She just text messaged me so she I guess she doesn't want to completely cut off all contact...

rol · Jan 31, 2007, 10:18 AM

I'm not wildcat but,

Give her all the space she wants! 8 years of breakup and she still wants space?

<<Since I was so excited to finally be with her I may have been to possessive and clingy and needy and jealous , etc... She even said I was putting too much pressure on her... I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon...
>>

Exactly, too much too soon, go SLOW

Don't act so needy and clingy and desperate to see her, that will make her run the other way.

rol · Jan 31, 2007, 10:21 AM

<<and we date for a month spending every free moment together...

>>

Another problem spending every free moment with her,
She should not be your life, just a part of it.

Wildcat21 · Jan 31, 2007, 10:55 AM

YEP!! "spending every free moment together..." - Yuck!!

Sounds like you smothered her. Smothering gets VERY annoying.

So early on?? Too much mcgmark is NOT a good thing.

You never gave this gal time to miss you.

My only advice is to disappear. Don't call. Don't ansewer her text. Make her chase you.

Stop all initially contact - IF she contacts you - return it much later - like the next day.

Smothering is very hard to over come. Lots of damage. Just stop contacting gher!!

Our very favorite word on this board is SLOW!! Go SLOW!! Always - what's the rush?? Why??

You put any pressure on a women and she will pull-back and run!!

LESS IS MORE!! With women... less of you is sctually more to women. She needs to miss you. She needs to want you. She needs to chase you some. She needs a challenge early on - you were no challenge.

Early on you should see her maybe once a week - twice tops. AND you don't have return evey call, retun every test right away.

You need to learn to be busy doing other things.

Putting too much improtance into someone too early on and you will crash and burn. They are always part of your life - not your life. You remember this and you will do fine.

Wildcat21 · Jan 31, 2007, 10:56 AM

"possessive and clingy and needy and jealous and etc... "

You need some time away from her. Pull back. Make her chase you. DO NOT CONTACT her directly - do not!! Just say you've been busy.

"I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon... " - ALWAYS AND FOREVER. Not necessary to do this.

I bet you contacted 3 or 4 times a day. WHy?

Wildcat21 · Jan 31, 2007, 11:01 AM

Give her sapce - you do not initate any more contact going forward. She may come back - she may not.

Why all the rush? WHy?

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 31, 2007, 11:16 AM

I think wildcat was spot on but what is strange is that it let me rate you twice on your response.. :confused: Never meant to do that, my mouse got carried away.

Wildcat21 · Jan 31, 2007, 12:10 PM

I dindn't mean to beat you up... but you need instant change I nthis relationship. If she sees this - she might come back.

This where guys screw it up - they always contact the gal way too soon - "oh she's forget me" - no she won't. Just be busy doing other things for now. If she calls - listen to her messages.

You'll figure it out.

But everyone who rushes into relationships - generally crashes and burns.

You got to go SLOW!! If you want a LTR. Slow. Some people don't.

mcgmark · Jan 31, 2007, 01:05 PM

Oh **** I texted her back too soon!

I got to try harder to have some self control!

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 31, 2007, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I dindn't mean to beat you up....but you need instant chaneg i nthis relationship. If she sees this - she might come back.

This where guys screw it up - they always contact the gal way too soon - "oh she's forget me" - no she wont. Just be busy doing other things for now. If she calls - listen to her messages.

You'll figure it out.

But everyone who rushes into relationships - generally crashes and burns.

You gotta go SLOW!!!! If you want a LTR. Slow. Some people don't.

Sllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww!!

You rush in, she will run!

Be busy as wildcat suggests!

Wildcat21 · Jan 31, 2007, 02:52 PM

Why are you contact her now anyway? She said she needs space.

Wildcat21 · Jan 31, 2007, 02:53 PM

Slowwwwwwwwwwwwww down partner.

talaniman · Jan 31, 2007, 04:54 PM

SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW DOWN, do other things beside think of her. I'm sure you had a life all those eight years, and friends and things you enjoyed. Don't give that up, just go SLOWLY.

Copperhead6 · Jan 31, 2007, 05:23 PM

Wildcat, I think Geoff got so excited he had to throw you double loving! ( 8 I can't even rate either one of you guys because every time I try it says I have to spread more love around. Lol Anyway to the problem at hand. This whole thing has been dragging on for 8 years and I'm sure a lot of that has been spent in no contact, and now it looks like your going to have to go back into no contact AGAIN just so you will have another chance down the road. Well my friend, you have got to change your angle. Kick that pedestool out from under this girl and stop thinking of her as the dream girl. Treat her like a regular human being. You see, ultra woman can get put on a pedestool by anyone and that makes you no different from anyone else. Relationships are 50/50 and you have to bring your own desirable qualities to the table as well. Good luck!

mcgmark · Feb 1, 2007, 07:16 AM

Sooo..

I didn't listen to anyone...

And I decided to tell her I'm putting an end to all of this and it's over.

She said "No Stop I want to be with you I just need some space to myself."

This is pretty annoying. She is not considering my feelings at all.

This is not 50/50 at all she is completely controlling everything according to what she wants or doesn't know what she wants and its affecting me emotionally.

If she really wants to be with me she is ing up because what I am feeling right now is negative and the damage may not be reversible.

I can understand she needs space to do her own things but the way she is going about it is just pointing at "I dont like you" so I just want closure and forget about it. Not this BS game of ignoring her to make her miss me and want me back... That's not how people treat each other when they really want to be with them...

rol · Feb 1, 2007, 07:25 AM

Gosh I think I might want space myself if you were acting like that!!

I think you are completely overwhelming her and in this case she does just seem to want some space to do her own things also.

Why can you not go SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW??

mcgmark · Feb 1, 2007, 07:42 AM

I was just going at a pace that was natural for me.

If she is not accepting of it she does not feel the same way.

Go slow.. It was slow believe me nothing was rushed... and I don't really know what you mean.. slow in what sense?

At first I felt overwhelmed because of how much she wanted to see and talk to me... I didn't pull this bs I was just happy she liked me so much and wanted to spend time with me...

Something changed inside her.. and now I have to play this emotional game and risk further emotional pain to try and trick her into missing me and want me back...

talaniman · Feb 1, 2007, 07:43 AM

Dinner goes well and we date for a month spending every free moment together...

Is this why you broke up 8 years ago. You can't have a hissy fit when things don't go your way and lash out in anger. Immature way to handle things.

So I think what I did was.. Since I was so excited to finally be with her I may have been to possessive and clingy and needy and jealous , etc... She even said I was putting too much pressure on her... I think all of my compliments and affection was just overwhelming and too much too soon...

You wrote this and your mad after one day apart, what ever happened to the life you had before see came back in the picture, after 8 freakin' years.
You should have grown up a lot more after 8 freakin' years.

mcgmark · Feb 1, 2007, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Is this why you broke up 8 years ago. You can't have a hissy fit when things don't go your way and lash out in anger. Immature way to handle things.

You wrote this and your mad after one day apart, what ever happened to the life you had before see came back in the picture, after 8 freakin' years.
You should have grown up a lot more after 8 freakin' years.

Hahahaaaaaaaaaaa.. Yes...

Basically when it comes down to it we broke up because I threw a hissy fit.. I couldn't just relax and go with the flow..

Like you guys say NOT TO DO I put a lot of emphasis on being happy in life by what relationship I am in...

I have definitely grown up a lot in the 8 years we are apart but I am still the same person...

rol · Feb 1, 2007, 07:50 AM

No one is telling you to play games.

We are just telling you to not make her your life, which you seem to be doing. As tal said what happened to your life during those 8 freaking years apart?Are you neglecting all your friends that you had then.

Your natural pace is obviously not what she wants..

I'm sure she wants to take things slow, why not see her once a week to begin with? Tell her that, and then slowly build up to maybe 2 times a week next month.

I am a girl also and if someone started coming on strong like that with me I would also tell them I need space to myself.