[Beanieluv]

Just a brief background... My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. On our one year anny, we became pregnant and now we have a wonderful 10 month old daughter. I know, we didn't have enough time spent before getting pregnant. We are definitely trying to play catch up now. When I first met him, I found out that his mother had cancer. Since then, she's been fighting this cancer. I've seen her fight it twice and it's gone away and come back. Currently, this cancer has moved to her liver. Things aren't looking too well for her. Here's my issue where I need guidance. Prior to the baby sex was already scarce. I'm talking once a week. Post baby, it's probably like once a month, if that! It's not me, because I try. I get turned down. Currently I'm finding myself frustrated easily and irritated. We fight and argue. At times, he needs to go and check up on his Mom. I'm very supportive, as I should be. My issue is, I'm being supportive, understanding, and patient. But I'm not being taken care of as a woman in return. Now, I fully agree that sex shouldn't rule the relationship, in this case, it obviously doesn't. I feel when we argue and fight we don't have any intimate connection to bring us back together. To keep that love and passion fire going. I feel like I'm giving my all, but not getting it in return. Tonight, I was supposed to go out with my girlfriends. My "me time". I can count on one hand how often I've gone out in the last ten months. He left to go help his mom around 11:30 this morning. He encouraged me to go out, but since 2:30 this afternoon has continued to push back the time he'll be home. I don't want to be selfish, but I feel like I'm all alone raising her on my own and trying to be superwoman. I need a break to rest! Every time I'm promised one, he leaves and doesn't come back for hours. I'm really trying to be supportive. I feel like for all of this, get on one knee and commit to me at least. I told him that I love him and I'm not going any where. But at least make me feel like it's worth it!:confused:

Please give me some advice! If I need to stick in there, tell me..

[talaniman]

He has a lot on his plate, and your in need of a babysitter.

Cancer is no joke on family. Stay or go, but if you can't be supportive, what's the point?

[Beanieluv]

He has a lot on his plate, and your in need of a babysitter.

Cancer is no joke on family. Stay or go, but if you can't be supportive, whats the point??

Thank you!! :)

[taoplr]

If I need to stick in there, tell me..

Absolutely stick in there. Taking care of his mother while she struggles with cancer is one of the toughest, most meaningful acts of love that he can do. Your complaints are legitimate, but don't tear yourself, him, or your relationship apart by fighting for sex, or his time and emotional presence, or the natural, emotional connection you get from being intimate. You can't get what you want by fighting for it.

You can, however, take your support to a different level, one that he will remember for the rest of his life, and for which he will be grateful. This means exercising even more empathy, accepting that he can't take care of you as a woman when he is drained and out of balance, and helping him find his balance. Once comfortable in the realization that he can handle the dying of his mother, and that your patience, presence, and care for him are stronger than the situation, he can relax some of his sense of being on call 24/7. As he returns to getting enough rest, he can once again feel natural urges toward romance and sex.

You can afford to be this generous if you open up to ways to be intimate with him that are not sexual, at least no all the time, and take care of your needs on your own terms. Touching, holding, listening, talking, being genuinely kind to him (That's not to imply that you are not) when it's difficult, and most of all, understanding what he tells you about his experience.You don't have to agree; you just have to understand.

If his Mom is going to die, and he is going to care for her and help her in the transition, he will appreciate your being kind and understanding... a true friend. This takes a special effort. As long as you also take care of yourself and don't abandon your needs or your daughter's needs, you will do fine in the dry spell. Your needs might call for some auto-erotica, something that a healthy relationship has room for and that can keep the pressure from building up in you. It's not forever. His balance will eventually be restored and it will be worth the effort.

When his Mom has passed, maybe 2-4 months after, he will take cognizance of what kind of partner you were during one of the hardest periods of his life. If love is largely built on respect, and 30 years into a happy marriage I believe that sustaining love definitely is, you will soon see the products of your gesture.

My Mom died at 93, and the last months were intense. My wife was like a rock. We got through it and knew we did it the way we truly meant to handle that experience. It's another reason I have to love her.

Tao

[Janmarie]

Tao is completely correct and I hope you not only read his words but fully listened to them. Your boyfriend is emotionally drained right now and you do need to be there for him. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or his daughter. Right now he doesn't know how long he is going to have his mother around. You are not at all a bad person for feeling neglected at this point because you do have your own needs that you can take care of on your own until he is emotionally available for you. Just hang in there, be strong for him and go with him to help his mother. Show him that you do care about what he is going through. Share this with him and let his mother see her grandbaby as much as possible.