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teastalk · Jan 18, 2009, 12:19 AM

It seems that lovers hardly ever become friends after they finish dating or going through a relationship.

It is more often seen that friends become lovers. However, lovers to friends to lovers... people seem to be against that.

My questions for everyone are:
1) Why do lovers never become friends?
AND
2) Can people go from being lovers to friends back to lovers... is that a reality (is that possible, if so, why)?

MarkwithaK · Jan 18, 2009, 12:24 AM

Originally Posted by teastalk

1) Why do lovers never become friends?

Well in any relationship that has ended there is the one person that ended it. This can lead to feelings of resentment from the person who got dumped. Hard to get over that bump.

Originally Posted by teastalk

2) Can people go from being lovers to friends back to lovers... is that a reality (is that possible, if so, why)?

From my experience, no. I'm sure it has happened at some point in history but not to me. There is a reason why it ended. You can try as hard as you want but putting that kind of pain out of your mind is very very hard to do.

teastalk · Apr 11, 2009, 05:59 PM

Do you think that being friends first causes you to have a stronger love relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Let me also phrase that a second way. Do you think that if your girlfriend/boyfriend was your friend first for a really long time then you will have a stronger love relationship with her/him?

none12345 · Apr 11, 2009, 06:03 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

Do you think that being friends first causes you to have a stronger love relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Let me also phrase that a second way. Do you think that if your girlfriend/boyfriend was your friend first for a really long time then you will have a stronger love relationship with her/him?

It is not true. I was with my ex as friends first for 4 years!! Than we decided to get together and after 1 year and a bit, its apparently over for now... unless something happens in the future and brings us back to each other. It is a rumour. Not saying that it doesn't happen just saying it can work the other way as well.

teastalk · Apr 11, 2009, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by none12345

It is not true. I was with my ex as friends first for 4 years!!! Than we decided to get together and after 1 year and a bit, its apparently over for now... unless something happens in the future and brings us back to each other. It is a rumour. Not saying that it doesnt happen just saying it can work the other way as well.

Hi none, I am unfamiliar with your history. I tried to see if you posted something about your relationship via the search but I couldn't find anything. May I ask why you two broke up or what may have caused the break up?

none12345 · Apr 11, 2009, 06:14 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

Hi none, I am unfamiliar with your history. I tried to see if you posted something about your relationship via the search but I couldn't find anything. May I ask why you two broke up or what may have caused the break up?

"The other guy" that's pretty much it. She found something she considers "better" and went for it and left me behind.

teastalk · Apr 11, 2009, 06:39 PM

I see. I'm sorry to hear that! And that does go to show that friends to lovers doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I thought that friends to lovers would have a more stable relationship because you would know all about each other; likes, dislikes, have companionable conversations; comfortable with each other; trust; honesty; and with all of these qualities be able to withstand outside factors.

none12345 · Apr 11, 2009, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

I see. I'm sorry to hear that! And that does go to show that friends to lovers doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I thought that friends to lovers would have a more stable relationship because you would know all about each other; likes, dislikes, have companionable conversations; comfortable with each other; trust; honesty; and with all of these qualities be able to withstand outside factors.

In the ideal world, that's how its suppose to happen. It could happen as well, I'm just saying it doesn't work out that way all the time. The truth is, the future is unpredictable. We've heard stories on here with relationships going on for 6 years, 14 years, EVEN 20 years and they end up bad as well. Wouldn't you agree that those people would know more about their partner or know them really well? Yet they still failed. Its different because being friends and being in a relationship is on a totally differently level and things might be different. Its not the same as friendship. Some people just don't work out and can't get along...

teastalk · Apr 11, 2009, 06:51 PM

Hmm, I can think of something similar to what you're saying. It's just like good friends who become roommates. People say that you shouldn't room with your good friend because you will likely fight over bills or how you keep the apartment, etc.

I can see the same for couples. When people are in a relationship or dating they don't know how the other lives. Once they get married or start living under the same roof they realize how big a slob or clean freak the other person is. They may also not like how the other person handles the finances, etc.

Well, I guess the least I can say about friends who become lovers is that they are compatible at least on some level because otherwise they would never talk. Also, friends who become lovers definitely have past history they can talk about besides just knowing that they jive at least on the elementary level. Once they graduate from elementary school, junior high is much harder... hahahahh...

DazzaGal · Apr 12, 2009, 09:06 AM

Hi
I have been through this friend 2 lovers question, and form lovers to friends 2?
Its very difficult in my expierience to be friends wiv someone that you once loved or still do depending on wearher it was you doing the dumping or the other way round as well. I have had n/c with my ex now 4 three weeks and boy is that hard, I love him very much.
I know that he loves me 2, you don't spend 4 years together and just not feel a thing! But being friends and being reminded of all the things that you did love about that person, wouldn't that just be torture? I would absolutely love to be friends with my ex even all that said! DazzaGal

teastalk · Apr 13, 2009, 11:54 AM

I'm wondering if it's hard to go from friends to lovers because there are higher expectations. Person1 will expect to see Person2 more often than when they were just friends. Person1 might expect more phone calls than while they were friends. I'm thinking that it's not good to have expectations, because otherwise you'll just be disappointed. All of these "you" are figurative "you" not literal "you."

DazzaGal · Apr 13, 2009, 12:03 PM

Myself personally, I think it's a good thing being friends with someone before you are lovers, because you find out things as friends that clear up compatibility issues, you must enjoy spending time together as friends to be able to move forward as lovers, and if you enjoy spending that time together as friends then the transition form friends to lovers will be natural, I don't believe that people should have expectations so early on in the relationship- but down the line through comunication you should talk about things that are important to both of you.
But if you were really good friends in the beginning you should already know what type of person they are and they should have said somewhat how they view relationships they have and what they like as a person. I do hope this makes sense

makapuu · Apr 14, 2009, 02:39 PM

I would hope that Lovers can become friends if that's what both partners want. Sometimes it's not, but that's the risk you take when entering that type of relationship. Women and Men differ in that way. It is romantic for women to think that the guy in their bed is in love with them, but he just wanted sex. He probably already has a girl that satisfies his emotional needs and doesn't need another one.

Survivor07 · Apr 14, 2009, 02:58 PM

Did the lover to friend thing. He's one of the greatest friends I've ever had. We tried to go back to the lover thing, but it just felt weird, for both of us. I think we just didn't want to ruin the friendship. Besides, we know waaaaay too much about each other now lol!!

Janmarie · Apr 14, 2009, 06:10 PM

I think in very rare cases lovers can maintain a friendship depending on how the relationship ended or the reasons it did. I have a great friendship with my ex husband and the reason for that I believe is because we share 2 children together and we both are mutual in remaining friends for their sake. On the other hand relationships that end and there are no children involved can be difficult to maintain. If there were any hurt or resentment in the relationship those feelings will always be there. It is much easier for lovers to return to being lovers then it would be to just be friends after you have loved them.

teastalk · Apr 16, 2009, 11:16 PM

Shouldn't you want your husband/boyfriend/fiance to be your best friend? I'm not understanding why some say that they know "too much" about a person to be their significant other.

DazzaGal · Apr 17, 2009, 01:01 AM

Of course you should want your partner /fiance to be your best friend, this should be a natural occurrence during a relationship, but this can become difficult to maintain if you have broken up as a couple, people move on with other new partners and they then in turn become best friends with their new love and therefore the need for that frienship is not as great- some people can maintain a friendship after a break-up, this mostly occurs after the dust has settled and the air has cleared and the relationship break-up has had time to heal,
When you have spent along time with someone you can know way too much about them in some cases, if it was a particularly bad break-up then you can find out things that are not to your liking and therefore it could become dificult to want to return to a place that you were both friends, as with all reationships and all friendships there are particular needs for all of us, and if we are receiving what we need from these then there is no reason why we cannot maintain the friendship that we would like, as long as it is clear to both parties, and both parties are happy with the situation, it will not work as friends if one person wants and hopes for more than the other is willing to give.

Survivor07 · Apr 17, 2009, 05:13 AM

Originally Posted by teastalk

Shouldn't you want your husband/boyfriend/fiance to be your best friend? I'm not understanding why some say that they know "too much" about a person to be their significant other.

Well, in my experience with my "friend"... He now tells me everything. Everything he thinks and feels about other women. That's why I wouldn't want to date him again. He's told me things that I wouldn't want to have to deal with in a marriage, such as certain addictions. That's just me.

I do agree that your significant other should be your best friend and you should be able to discuss anything.

teastalk · Apr 17, 2009, 09:17 AM

Ohh, I understand now! I wouldn't want to have to deal with addictions in a marriage either. That's why it's good to know a person on a very personal level so that you can find out how they act.

I wouldn't want to deal with a guy who is selfish and asks for things all the time, but doesn't want to give back. Nor would I want to have a boyfriend who does the minimum in the relationship; calling but not contributing to the conversation with ideas, question, or suggestions.

That's why I also think it's good to be really good friends with your boyfriend first. Even if you end up learning things about him you didn't want to know, 'cause then you're the one making choices, not him.

By the way, do you think that you can judge your boyfriend by his friends? Or, do you think you can judge a person by their friends?

DazzaGal · Apr 17, 2009, 10:06 AM

Birds of a feather stick together!

Well its just a saying but there is some truth behind it - I think
People with the same beliefs and interests do tend to spend more time together, it would be awful spending time with friends that didn't share at least some of the same beliefs and interests with me
Just like those people who may have some sort of addiction or bad habbit- they all seem to know each other well!

So its only my opinion but yes you can judge someone by the friends they have, however all that said, I don't mean that they have to be exactly the same as you otherwise that would be boring and dull- just that in general similar people tend to stick together