[bushg]

Yes, Tal shacking counts, but only if you get married, if you don't get married well then it is just a really long date. :)

[rol]

Wow nice story Tal:)
Yeah happy is good.
So u have been with your wife since you were 20? Wow.

[talaniman]

I stand corrected, My wife says I was 21, and she was 19. She doesn't count the first 7 months because she went home most evenings. Whatever.

[mckenzie134]

Talani,man I don't know how you could be an expert on breakups if yourve been with your wife since you were 21??
I find it hard that you had many break ups or relationships before this...

I don't thinkyou have been through and felt the pain of others on here I now think you may just be talking what you may have learnt but not actually experienced??

If you were married at 21 you did not obviously have any other meaninful long relationship where a girl left you, so how would you no what others on here are going through. I have had two relationships one of 4 years and another of 3 1/2 which was the hardest to get through. So I don't think yourve had much heart break at all...

[Skell]

Talani,man I dont know how you could be an expert on breakups if yourve been with your wife since you were 21???
I find it hard that you had many break ups or relationships before this...

I dont thinkyou have been through and felt the pain of others on here I now think you may just be talking what you may have learnt but not actually experienced????

If you were married at 21 you did not obviously have any other meaninful long relationship where a girl left you, so how would you no what others on here are going through. I have had two relationships one of 4 years and another of 3 1/2 which was the hardest to get through. So I dont think youve had much heart break at all...

Who said Tal was a 'break up expert' mac? His title is relationship expert. He knows what goes into a successful relationship. You know why? He has one. A very happy and successful relationship full of many ups and downs. He isn't here to advise people on how to break up. He is here to advise people on how to lead a happy and successful relationship. Big difference Mac.

What you have is a failed one. One that didn't work and won't work.

Don't disrespect Tal and the help he has offered you and so many others. His advice is right. You just don't like to hear it because your still in denial. He never tells you what to do or what to feel. He advises based on life experience what the best course of action would be. He NEVER tells.

So you have had two relationships that have failed. How dare you question tal on what it takes to make a successful relationship. I think you are way out of order.

Oh and yeah. This girl will leave you again if you get back with her. We see it time and again. Nothing has changed. It won't work for the same reasons it hasn't worked previously.

You still think it is a game. I read it in your advice. People who play games will lose!

And you know what, I AM speaking from experience too!!

[mckenzie134]

All I was trying to say is that when he advises to move on and you will get over it. How does he know this if he has not experienced it!! I am not knocking his ability and advice on having a successful relauionship and how to make one work. All I was pointing out is that to know what it is like to be dumped and to move on I believe this has to be experienced and I was just questioning his experience in this matter. I don't believe he had to many girls leave him as he has a successful marriage. Not saying it's a bad thing just pointing out the fact its easier to understand what people are going through if he had experienced it himself which I don't believe he has.

[talaniman]

Well Mac , I like you and will keep a reddie, but if you've read my other posts I've been dumped more than a few times, and did have a long term relationship of 3 years, and thought I was going to be married. Didn't work. But those 6 months I was mad at the world taught me a few things, that helped later in life, and you have a right to question who your listening (?) to so no problem. All of us go through the heartbreak of falling for the females (and males, sorry ladies), it's a chance you take, and honestly I've said over and over that first one, is a mother, so when I say get yourself to a healthy place to make better decisions, take that to the bank. And while on the subject, If you honestly think No Contact will get an ex back, as many seem to think, Bet a years salary you wouldn't know what to do if she came back. Most times after we get healthy, we move on to BETTER things in life. So you don't have to listen to me at all, do whatever your heart desires, I'll still be here to encourage , advise , cajole and give a boot to your butt, cause I care, and know better. Oh, Thanks Skell for the support.

[mckenzie134]

I know what you mean if No contact does work you need to have changed the situation. Well in my situation my ex just found that I was allowing her to see me to often. I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly I was ruining my own relationship my allowing her to see me all the time and not do anything on her own. She didn't know a lot of people so she relied on me for everything. Not the normal break up which you see evry day. I don't believe many people leave when they don't have no where to go or anywhere to place there emotions. Which was my reason to myself why would she break up to then be on her own to grow. Really who would break up to grow ion there own I was unsure how she even thought of that. And if it was true then maybe I come tothin of it now she didn't know if she really loved me but because she had nothing else in her life except university and me it made her wonder if she was staying cause she had nothing else...

Which means when I went no contact she had nothing at all. I know if I take her back I will have to push her away to get her to do her own things so she can be hqappy with herself...

Im not sure if that is even healthy but she does not have much of a life except work at night club uni and me, well that seems like a life to me.

Maybe she isn't that into me??

[Skell]

Im pretty sure you'll find Tal knows what heart break is Mac. Ive seen him discuss it in other threads during my time here.

I can understand your questioning it but it just missed the mark.

I still don't think things have changed between you enough to suggest that the relationship will work this time. I don't know you personally but going on your posts and your posts about her I just see the same two people as before having learned a little, but certainly not enough to warrant giving it another try.

To be blunt it just seems like a couple of kids breaking up and getting back together routine. Like they do in high school.

Maybe I'm wrong. Im not trying to be rude. Just giving you some things to think about.

Do you honestly think that you and her have both changed significantly enough for it to work this time and not simply go back to the old ways?

[mckenzie134]

Well I really don't think she has changed much at all. Altghough I sought of believe she does not need to change a lot although doing some more things opn her own may help her. The problem is she always wants to spend her time with me and the hardest part is she seems to enjoy the relationship when I am busy and she has to wait to see me. I do not see anything bad in this but my main problem is whenever she is free she wants to see me but I find if I allow her to do this then she starts to become routine like she is seeing me whenever she can and has free time. Which I didn't mind cause I'm the type of person who can see her a lot and spend time together but when this happens she seems to believe she doesn't know how she feels. Although when I limit my free time and keep busy pushing her to keep herself entertained in her spare time then we work much better.

I know this mat sound confusing but I think what I am trying to say is when I have more of my own life she is more s=keen to be part of it and see me. And when I'm home and give more time she seems to wonder if she really loves me. I know people have said well when your married how does this work. Well its not a problem of seeing her every night I think sometimes the problem is from spending too much time together without missing each other with separate interests. Maybe if I keep up my own interests it will push her to entetain herself and at least wait and miss me more. What you yhink

[Skell]

What you are talking about is a common thing in lots of relationships that aren't working.
One or both people don't have a life other than their partner. That never works for obvious reasons.

It is about BALANCE.

If you are going to give it another try you need to communicate to her that things won't be how they were before.

Of course her interest level peaks when she see's less of you. Human nature. But it doesn't really lend itself to a long and strong relationship does it?

She sounds too confused and uneasy in her own life to be in a relationship. She has a lot of improvements to make before I would consider giving it another go with her. But that choice is yours Mac!

[mckenzie134]

Yes I know I have tomakea choice but I still love her and enjoyed all our time together. My onlyproblem is she does want to spend a lot of time together but in a way I enjoyed that.

Anyay I will think about what you have said and make a decision, I suppose in a way during our relationship I liked that she didn't do a lot cause she wanted to see me. That's probably not right but I liked it.

[Jiser]

More time is needed!

[laura hamilton]

Ok if you love her and do want to be with her then you need to tell her what you've said on here that when you spend time apart she wants to see you and knows how she feels and when she does see you all the time she gets confused.

Tell her this and say that if she lives her own life and you live yours and you see each other but not all the time then it may work. Help her find some things to do in her spare time like the gym, sports or things that interest her.

Only you can make the decision. It might not work if you give it another try but then you really will know and won't be forever wondering if it could have worked.

Sory if this is no use to you but I just wanted to give you my perspective.

Good luck
X

[Jiser]

I said how I felt to my ex about a month ago. She said she still didn't no what she wanted etc, so basically I am getting the attitude now where I believe its over for good - goodbye :) It will be 6 months in July and I am starting to move on. If she ever wants to come back, which I doubt very much I will deal with it then and there. We are going to a festival end of July, but I think after that we probably won't see each other again. So I guess it will be good to end on a high note.

What has helped me move on so far is keeping myself busy, having things to look forward to, getting out with nature and having fun. Without these things I would not be where I am today.

However whatever issues my ex has or I have its going to take longer than 6 months to iron out and they will take longer for you and your ex to!

[Geoffersonairplane]

I agree with Jiser and Skell and that more time is needed here. I don't think she is ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone at the moment. The things is, you don't want to fall into those same negative patterns that ended the relationship the first time around. Without significant change on either side, it won't be long before it all falls apart the second time around.

[ktb_daddy]

mckenzie134 I'm new here and I'm sitting here reading your situation here and man you were given a chance I've been waitting and wishing for, for 4 yrs my friend. You said she's worth it then I hope you don't pass this once in a lifetime chance.

[Jiser]

Disagree with you daddy! Four years is a long time to be waiting, stop being a wuss and get a life. Pining for someone is not attractive, be a man like you are!

Mckenzie you need a long time before you even think about going back, she probably merely as said before misses the intamcy, the security and she realises what she had. She has to learn she can't mess people about and you should learn not to messed about. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

When your over her, then only then should you start thinking...

[Geoffersonairplane]

Someone else said on here, I think it was tal.

Why wait for a maybe?

I totally agree.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Also...

By playing the waiting game, not only are you letting life pass you by but you are also devaluing yourself.