[Fionafille]

I am trying to figure out if I am exaggerating about a comment made by my boyfriend this weekend that implies his feelings for me in this relationship are different from mine.

I have been dating my man for almost 1 and half years. We have a great relationship. In fact, it has been the most meaningful relationship I have ever had, and I am really in love. It is full of passion, yet we are rational and have a lot of intellectual discussions. I feel pretty much like we are on the same page... at least most of the time, and on the important topics.

He has had a very different upbringing to mine. I have grown up in a loving family. He grew up in a boys home, and his parents divorced at a young age. He is now 40, says he had never really loved anyone (or had been in love before), until he meet me. He has had about two relationships that lasted probably a year or so. He continues to say every now and again that he has never been in love. I would ask him what he means because I thought he said he was in love with me. He said he thinks he is, but it's not like we had a love at first sight experience. I didn't get where he was coming from, but I tried to brush off his comments, and not take it personally. I think love at first sight has nothing to do with how much you can potentially be in love with someone... especially long term!

But this past weekend, something odd happened. We were talking about a couple we saw looking into each other's eyes and gazing. It reminded me of when we did this at the beginning of our relationship. I loved how he used to rub my cheek or shut his eyes lovingly when we would sit across from each other at the table. But as we talked about this couple, I said to him, "We used to look at each other this way, remember?" He turned to me and said, "Love, we never looked at each other this way."

I felt hit in the gut. I took it pretty hard, and asked him what he meant. It wasn't a great afternoon because I couldn't help but wonder if what he was really saying meant that he just didn't (and still doesn't) feel for me what I feel for him. It's very strange. People see us together and think we're so in love. We do so much for each other. Yet, now I feel like after his comment, that maybe all along I am the one who fell in love and created this meaningful relationship in my mind. Whereas in his mind, it's a just an ordinary relationship.

Am I exaggerating, or would any girl feel betrayed after her boyfriend stated that he didn't feel the same way as her?

Thanks for any input!

[GlindaofOz]

I am trying to figure out if I am exaggerating about a comment made by my boyfriend this weekend that implies his feelings for me in this relationship are different from mine.

I have been dating my man for almost 1 and half years. We have a great relationship. In fact, it has been the most meaningful relationship I have ever had, and I am really in love. It is full of passion, yet we are rational and have a lot of intellectual discussions. I feel pretty much like we are on the same page... at least most of the time, and on the important topics.

You said your boyfriend has said that he is not in love with you but you are in love with him, then I would say you are not on the same page at all.

Am I exaggerating, or would any girl feel betrayed after her boyfriend stated that he didn't feel the same way as her?

Like I said you need to sit down with him and discuss where this relationship is at. Many women make the mistake of presuming that a relationship is one place when it really is not there. Have you both mutually agreed that this is a committed relationship where you only see one another? From personal experience I now never presume I'm in a relationship with someone until they ask, I could be with someone for a year and if during that year they never said I want to be committed to you and only you I presume that we are not. You are long overdue for a long talk with this man.

[rol]

<Yet, now I feel like after his comment, that maybe all along I am the one who fell in love and created this meaningful relationship in my mind. Whereas in his mind, it's a just an ordinary relationship.
>

It depends really on what you call 'love'
Love for me is not gazing at each other across a table, that's called infatuation.
Love is 2 people who care for each other ona deep level and who can communicate their differences and have respect for each other.

Perhaps his version of love is the more realistic one here.

<I felt hit in the gut. I took it pretty hard, and asked him what he meant. >

What did he reply when you asked him what he meant?

[Haplo]

Am I exaggerating, or would any girl feel betrayed after her boyfriend stated that he didn't feel the same way as her?

I do agree with Glinda's advice, but I also want to throw in a small bone of contention that I think is important to highlight:

He didn't say he doesn't feel the same way. You're taking what happened as a statement of that, or you're asking if you should, and in my opinion, as a man, you shouldn't. Remember that we all communicate differently. We all remember things differently. What's important and how you love are different from what's important to him and how he loves.

One of the biggest problems in a relationship is that people expect to be loved the same way they show love, and when that doesn't happen, they feel hurt. For instance, I'm a gift giving guy. I love to give my girl gifts. Anything. Everything. But if I'm with a girl who doesn't give gifts back it doesn't mean she doesn't love me. It's just not her way. But it took a long time for me to realize that. The same rule applies to just about everything in a relationship.

Now I think you should have conversations with him about where the relationship is, but please, if you have genuine feelings for this man, put yourself in HIS shoes and try to empathize with how he views the world. Placing your views on his actions will only lead to pain because they're different.

[SnaveLeber]

The guy obviously has some issues spawned from not having a loving parental relationship but you choosing to be in the relationship is your willingness to participate in a relationship with someone emotionally damaged. Patience, persistence and durability are absolutely required. A relationship like that is not going to be a steriotypical relationship. The longevity of it directly relies on your ability to accommodate his emotions. It sounds like you possbly don't know his love language, and he is not interpreting your actions as love.
These are the five love languages. Good luck
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch

[Fionafille]

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback. It was very helpful. I also think a lot of what you are saying is true.

Since I have read your replies, I have been able to see things from an objective perspective.

Thank you again!