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liz28 · May 1, 2009, 06:43 AM

Van dating is about getting to know your partner. As soon as you realize he had this drug habit you should have walked away but instead you stayed thinking you can help him change but you can't.

You been with him only for 6 months so you couldn't be that much in love with him. I believe your in love with him for all the wrong reason more because you want someone in your life so your was willing to settle. Then you was going try to turn him into the man that he should be but again you can't do that.

I have a male friend that only dates girl with a lot of emotional bagage. He past up the good ones that he might be able to build something with for the ones with all the hang up. I mean so much hang ups that counseling will take for years to sort. He date girls because he feels he can resue them and stitch them back together and them because in love from them but it a dangerous love. The ending always is the same because they always leave.

This is where you have with this guy a "dangerous love" and you have to learn to want more and higher your standards. And know you can't change nobody. When you date a guy immediately think of your kids and think "can you have this guy around your kids?" Your relationships don't only affect you but your kids as well.

Romefalls19 · May 3, 2009, 08:37 AM

Edited

Art lady, as you requested here are the STATS!

And yes, you can give up on someone, just because YOU dug yourself out doesn't mean everyone can. I've had my uncle overdose on heroin after being 10 years clean, 3 years before that his friend overdosed on heroin after being clean for 15 years. The problem with heroin addicts is that once you are clean and relapse you immediately think you can do the same amount you were doing. Don't tell me what I do and do not know, I've study this stuff for the past couple years since my uncle overdosed. The problem with you assuming, makes you look like an @** when proved wrong. I will post plenty of website supporting MY claim as opposed to yours and if you would like I will also PM you my e-mail address if you would further like to indulge in this debate in which you will be profoundly outgunned and out educated.

Heroin Detox

This shows 85.8% relapse within the first 5 years.
ScienceDirect - Drug and Alcohol Dependence : Prediction of relapse to frequent heroin use and the role of methadone prescription: An analysis of the Amsterdam Cohort Study among drug users

Heroin Addiction and Related Clinical Problems 2008 10(4)

Romefalls19 · May 3, 2009, 08:43 AM

I forgot the major one, detailing the figures for relapsing such as how many times the went back to it and if they did stop only to relapse again.

By the way, this a government site that was given to my fiancé from the therapist we saw on how to deal with his addiction in relation to the girls.

One more thing, anyone who has went to through recovery knows you are never done with it, there is always a chance you can fall back into a hole. There have been people who were clean for 30 years only to have one event trigger a relapse.

Older Adults: Substance Use by Older Adults: Estimates of Future Impact on the Treatment System; SAMHSA Office of Applied Studies

Fr_Chuck · May 3, 2009, 09:01 AM

Yes, working with addicts of all types, few ever kick it and stay off.

VAN5090 · May 3, 2009, 09:01 AM

I thank everyone for advice and opinions and just because I care about someone who is an addict. Doesn't mean I don't care about my daughters. They haven't suffered but its true they do have a greater chance of being emotionally damaged if they see me struggling with a Heroin addict. Its been hard it took me days from talking to his mom and finding out that he would leave the house every single day for two or three hours and come back high. And yesterday they followed him only to find out that he was going and hanging out with a 56 year old addict. I haven't talked to him its only been a day though its so hard. I wish he would have told me since the beginning of the relationship.

Romefalls19 · May 3, 2009, 09:05 AM

Van, I never suggested you didn't care about your daughters, I am very happy to here of your decision, it is in the best interest of all your lives to rid this guy of being in your life.

My advice, change your numbers as they don't take loss very easily and can sometimes become violent.

VAN5090 · May 3, 2009, 09:13 AM

Romefalls19 I feel so much for his mom and in a way I would like to tell her thiers hope for his change but Its all up to him and that's the worst part, He doesn't put his all into this change and that's why I had to leave .

Romefalls19 · May 3, 2009, 09:15 AM

I understand completely, my fiance's ex, his mom has been through it all and since he's been 15, they have sent him to 6 different rehabs and he just out himself in one that lasts a year. I don't think there will be a different outcome with him because the last one was 10 months and it only took him 3 to relapse.

artlady · May 3, 2009, 12:07 PM

Statistics regarding recovery are lacking because a recovered addict is not in the SYSTEM.Not in the system,ie; not in the statistical data.They fall off the map because there is no reason for them to stay in the system.
They go on with their life and live as recovered for years,there is no mapping of addicts past recovery.
You said they never change.Your words,That is painting all addicts as doomed to be addicts forever.
Relapse is even anticipated by counselors.I understand the dynamic of relapse.That does not mean that you lump all addicts into one group and say they never change.That was all I was saying. I merely pointed out that you can not paint all addicts as people who will never change.

talaniman · May 3, 2009, 12:17 PM

For sure you have reason to believe there could be a lot of misery, and pain, when an addict does enter your life, and protecting yourself has to be the first priority. Now that you know these facts about him, protect yourself.

Some do travel the very difficult road to recovery, and must work hard everyday to stay on the path. Sadly many go thru the cycle of on again, off again, with some devastating effects to themselves, and the ones that care.

The bottom line is to be aware, and open minded, but not gullible enough to let them in a position to do harm to you.

talaniman · May 3, 2009, 12:43 PM

And yes, you can give up on someone, just because YOU dug yourself out doesn't mean everyone can.

Sadly the ones that do, never get the press as the ones that don't. Dying seems to be more of an attention getter.

Romefalls19 · May 3, 2009, 12:54 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

Statistics regarding recovery are lacking because a recovered addict is not in the SYSTEM.Not in the system,ie; not in the statistical data.They fall off the map because there is no reason for them to stay in the system.
They go on with their life and live as recovered for years,there is no mapping of addicts past recovery.
You said they never change.Your words,That is painting all addicts as doomed to be addicts forever.
Relapse is even anticipated by counselors.I understand the dynamic of relapse.That does not mean that you lump all addicts into one group and say they never change.That was all I was saying. I merely pointed out that you can not paint all addicts as people who will never change.

Actually in one of the links I provided they did a study for over 600 people, keeping up with recovered and relapsed drug users for over 10 years in which the fatality rate was far greater than recovery and relapse almost tripled in that regard as well. Relapse is anticipated because it's what they normally do, it's been known to happen this way. You tell me not to lump them all together but you seem to lump them all together as saying they can recover when that is not the case. Very few do recover, and with recovery comes a long battle that becomes a struggle everyday. You cannot assume that everyone who says they are clean, stay clean for their life. The best way to recover from a drug addiction is to simply lay off the stuff, personally in MY opinion, only a weak minded person turn to drugs to escape reality. Deal with your issues head on, there is no such thing as an easy way out.

That's all I am saying on this topic before I start an even more heated argument

Romefalls19 · May 3, 2009, 01:19 PM

Either way, I will gracefully bow out of this argument at the request of my fiancé only adding that we will agree to disagree.

Survivor07 · May 3, 2009, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by VAN5090

I thank everyone for advice and opinions and just because I care about someone who is an addict. Doesn't mean I dont care about my daughters. They havent suffered but its true they do have a greater chance of being emotionally damaged if they see me struggling with a Heroin addict. Its been hard it took me days from talking to his mom and finding out that he would leave the house every single day for two or three hours and come back high. and yesterday they followed him only to find out that he was going and hanging out with a 56 year old addict. I havent talked to him its only been a day though its so hard. I wish he would have told me since the beggining of the relationship.

I don't think anyone is saying you don't care about your daughters. It's just that as soon as you found out that he was struggling with an addiction to a very dangerous drug that carries with it a dangerous life style, dangerous people, etc. THAT was the time to walk.

You have sympathy for his mother and I appreciate that. The best thing for her to do right now is join a support group for people like her, who have a loved one addicted to heroin. You can't be her support system for many reasons: You, yourself, are naïve to the situation and could not possibly offer advice; and, secondly, you have two daughters to raise on your own. That's enough on your plate.

I commend you for taking this first step in not talking to him for ONE day. I would suggest distancing yourself from his mother, too. You won't truly be able to heal and start over or get him out of your system if you're still hearing the horrible tales she is telling you.

Start no contact with them both. Sure, it will be hard at first, but the longer you do it, the better.

Janmarie · May 3, 2009, 08:47 PM

After all is said and done (and I don't think we can offer any more sound advice then what we already have) In a universe of infinite choices there is only ONE correct choice and it is your responsibility to make the right choice. I hope you make the choice that will be best for you and all who will be affected by that choice.

mum45 · May 3, 2009, 10:00 PM

I have attended Al-Anon meetings in the past. I have a family member clean for over 3 years now from meth. At a time when I was so sick with worry I could not sleep, eat, or think rationally, I got a lot of wise advise from the very first meeting, and every one after that. It sure helps to be with people that know what you are feeling and thinking and going through. Even though it was narcotics, the al-anon people accepted me into their group and were a wonderful help to me!! Go, and keep going, it works!

VAN5090 · May 20, 2009, 10:00 PM

I Haven't been talking to him I changed my number but I've had daily contact with his mother and he hasent changed he's actually gotten worse so Im now trying to leave . I changed my phone number and he contacted me on my myspace with threats that if I don't contact him back I will regret it , I highly regret getting involved in this relationship It sucks.

Romefalls19 · May 21, 2009, 05:16 AM

I would take those messages to the police and see what they say. Drug users are known to be mentally unstable as they are thinking clearly. Anger issues are usually magnified by these drugs and it clouds their judgment and you have no idea what they are capable of. You have to protect your kids as well as yourself.

liz28 · May 21, 2009, 05:38 AM

I understand your talking to his mother to try to support her in some kind of way because she is dealing with a lot but limit your communication with her. It is okay to cal to see how she is doing since the two of you develop a friendship but you don't need to hear about her son. She needs to develop some tough love and boundaries with her son because she can't change him--he has to want to change.

In the meantime you keep his threatening emails and take it to cops to obtain a restraining order. Never put nothing past no one and threats are serious nowadays because many females have had something bad happen to them by a ex. And since he is on drugs you never know what is capable of. Protect yourself and always be aware of your surroundings.

In the meantime block him on myspace and on your email account. I think your doing good by moving on. You deserve so much better. Your taking a step in the right direction. You came a long way. Thums up to you!

Sorry he is doing what he is doing now to you but is an addict and mad you left him. The combination is killing him but who cares about him. But I am more concern about you and your kids.

Survivor07 · May 22, 2009, 06:06 PM

Glad to hear you changed your phone number and your attitude. You are regretting this relationship now, but just think how you'd regret it if you let it continue. You're doing the right thing and you know it.

I agree about blocking him from your myspace and email, etc. and saving the messages and restraining order is a good idea. He is harassing and threatening you and it could easily escalate. People don't threaten their loved ones.

Never underestimate a drug addict's intentions. They are desperate people.

I know you think you have a friendship with his mom, but really, what do the two of you have in common if not for her son? If you continued the friendship, how in the world would you keep the topic of her son out of the conversation? I just don't see how having daily contact with his mom is good for YOU. Unless it's just helping you see him for what he is. I do think this might go a lot easier for you if you cut contact with his mom, too. That's just my opinion.

I was happy to read that you are taking the right steps toward the right choice. Keep it up. You'll be very thankful you did. Hang in there. We're here for you.