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Trying2Cope · Feb 15, 2009, 04:38 PM

Sorry my current situation can really give you a headache... I was with my EX Fiancée for 4 and a half years... he bought a house supposedly for our future... I gave up my residence and moved in with him... we never set a wedding date... eventhough we always talked about getting married... we had problems... For New Years... I paid for a week vacations in Vegas... just as we were suppose to go to vegas we got into an argument and he indicated that he no longers want to be in a relationship with me! I asked him if there was someone else he said NO... that perhaps we were not compatible! He still loved me but that it was obvious either one of us was not HAPPY! Remind you we live together... I moved to the area to be with him... I have no family members here... So I eventually found out that he had went on a date with another woman while I was out of town visiting family members! I told my ex that he had become emotionally unavailable to me and was dating behind my back while we were still together! I informed him that to me this was CHEATING... He said that we have been trying to work things out but nothing has changed! We have not worked anything out... we just kept saying the words with no changes. He did not want to see a counselor!

I got a storage and have since been putting my items in storage while still trying to work... My EX has been going out on dates with the new woman... while we have become strangers in the house... we walk past each other and do not speak! I have accepeted the fact that WE broke up and is trying to do my best to get out of the HOUSE! However I am upset that I am miserable packing and he gets to laugh and go on dates with the new woman! I know I got to go through it and take it one day at a time... but it is easier said than done! Worst off I was the one who used to plan all the activies and it ate me up inside that I was officially alone on Valentines Day! I have been trying to stay away from the house... our whole situation is awkward! It is like a fews days I am OK then I get slapped in the face and my emotions start all over again! I am not jealouse of my ex having a new woman... I am upset that he moved on basically while we were still together. It is obvious that my EX has not dealt with his own issues.. he is relying on his new girl for that.. I am hoping that he gets a good dose of KARMA! I am a strong woman, but human... I need some new coping tools! Any suggestions...

sylvan_1998 · Feb 16, 2009, 08:07 AM

I am sorry for what you are going through and that no one has posted to you as of yet. You need to get out of that house and the sooner the better!

Leave, don't look back and go on to be happy healthy and extremely content in your life. That in the long run will be the best coping thing you can do.

Are you able to pick up and go back home? Maybe school or training in another career... seems like no better time than the present.

Good luck and I am sorry you are going through this.

Trying2Cope · Feb 16, 2009, 12:44 PM

Easier said than done! I am trying my best to get out.. . but My EX is not making easy for me! Hopefully I will be out soon... but I am under so much stress!

lola64 · Feb 17, 2009, 06:32 AM

Hi Trying,
This is no less that hellish to go through- my boyfriend and I (together for 5 yrs, lived together for 4), just broke up and had to sell our home between Oct- Dec.
I say Oct- Dec because the split happened in Oct but then there was all the red tape involved with selling the house, packing, moving, etc etc. Those days in between were the hardest and most awkward. The broken up but still dealing with each other in our faces kind of days. As amicable as we wanted to be through all of this, it still turned out stormy for us in the end.
You know, as hard as ending the relationship was, the whole selling the house thing took it to a whole new level. When the realtor slammed the sign into the front lawn, I about bawled on my kitchen floor. I felt like such a failed wreck. The weeks that followed, with people coming to view, having to pack and store, taking the steps to move on, to say were tough, is an understatement. All the while there was the 'breaking up' dynamics going on between us; he was running off to other girls for support, and I was trying to keep myself civil but my eye was beginning to wander as well. And then dealing with the broken love and hurt feelings as well.
Then I moved off into a basement apartment on my own, having to go back to renting after owning, my pride was shot for a while.
But you know what? That basement apartment turned out to be the best thing I've done for myself in years. When going through this, a friend told me ' a beautiful place can be hell if bad memories are experienced in it, and a horrible place can become paradise when beautiful memories are shared in it'. Remembering this as a mantra made me able to cope with those first days of transition.
I promise you- you'll make it through every step of the way, and very, very soon, you'll look at this with new eyes, once your emotions and the shock settles, and you'll pick yourself up and dust yourself off, and you'll start feeling good again. I can promise you it's sooner than you think.
You're already partly there!

lola64 · Feb 17, 2009, 10:08 AM

What's funny (in a weird, not so ha-ha way) is that you feel like you're going through a divorce, when you weren't even married! What I find so ironic about this, at least in my case, is that the reason we lived together and didn't marry was because his parents went through a messy divorce and scarred his ideas of marriage.. so I compromised my view (will never do that again) to accommodate his.. go figure in the end, you don't have to get married to still have the feelings that go with ending it!
Best of luck darlin'..

Trying2Cope · Feb 17, 2009, 11:44 AM

I agree this whole experience has been like a divorce! He promised me that he would make my move a gentle experience while giving me till the end of MARCH 2009 to move! The situation went from Awkward, to bad, to WORSE! I did compromise myself... because I knew that I did not want to live with a man without being married! So I took a chance... of course my EX's words... were I have bought you this ring, and I want to make our relationship permanent, and thus he moved me out of my comfort zone away from the few friends that I had made. I have no family in this area as well! He bought the house which became more like my jail cell.. . since he got a new job... I convienced myelf that this new job would make our lives easier... instead, I was home alone often! When I voiced my concerns I was nagging/ing as he put it! So I guess this house that too could have been mine... was nothing more than temporary shelter! It was never my HOME! I am currently at the house trying to do more packing... I am getting SICK and the RAIN is sure not helping.
There has alreaday been lawyers, court, and the sheriff involved. To top it off my EX has placed some of my items in the bedrooms and placed locks on the doors and refusing to open the door... even after I had my lawyer write his lawyer a letter! So it is like I am out her all alone... trying to survive! I have so many emotions running through me... half the time I can't think straight!
lola64... I have been paying on a mortgage too.. and going back to renting and the prices now... oh my is mind bogling...

sylvan_1998 · Feb 18, 2009, 10:42 AM

Good Lawyers involved. Remember get what is yours, not even. I am so sorry. I remember the one big breakup where it did seem like a divorce. I hated that.

Trying2Cope · Feb 19, 2009, 08:27 AM

Lawyers involved really means nothing! My EX still refuses to give me my stuff! His lawyer is playing as well! I will do my best to finsih getting what I have access to... if I have to COURT we shall go! I am not trying to get even... I am simply trying to get out! My EX is a super JERK!

artlady · Feb 19, 2009, 08:50 AM

What a kick in the teeth!

Its bad enough that he is a deceitful jerk but to have to sit by and watch this fool play in someone else' s sandbox must be heart wrenching.

The only way to cope is one day at a time.It sounds lame but that's the truth.Sometimes you can only cope one hour or minute at a time.

Change your inner dialogue and give yourself affirmations... * this is not my fault,it is his loss.I am better off seeing the light now than before marriage*.

I also find ,for my coping is a portion of the serenity prayer.

God,grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It has helped me over the years.I hope you find some solace in it as well.

Trying2Cope · Feb 19, 2009, 11:48 AM

[QUOTE=artlady;1557998]What a kick in the teeth!

Its bad enough that he is a deceitful jerk but to have to sit by and watch this fool play in someone else' s sandbox must be heart wrenching.
Yes it has been a very trying time for me, however I am still holding my head up high! I basically left the house after it became too much and only go back when a family member comes to help me move some of my belongings to storage!

The only way to cope is one day at a time.It sounds lame but that's the truth.Sometimes you can only cope one hour or minute at a time.

I am taking it one day at a time... however some days seem worse than others!

Change your inner dialogue and give yourself affirmations... * this is not my fault,it is his loss.I am better off seeing the light now than before marriage*.

My inner dialogue is beyond crying... I am numb and furious that this fool will not just allow me to get ALL of my belongings and be done with this once and for all so he can enjoy JANES fruitcake... JANE can now deal with him... since he is relying on her anyway... he can be another child of hers...

I also find ,for my coping is a portion of the serenity prayer.

God,grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It has helped me over the years.I hope you find some solace in it as well.

I will look into some affirmations... and thank you for taking time out of your day to respond to me!

roobarbandcusta · Feb 19, 2009, 02:56 PM

Tryingtocope, I hope you are OK and my thoughts are with you. It sounds like his loss and your gain, I'm going through a messy patch at the mo and some days I just don't want to live, the only thing that keeps me going is my friends and dog!!

My thoughts are with you and be strong like I'm trying too xx

Trying2Cope · Feb 20, 2009, 11:05 AM

Thank You Roobarbandcusta, I am hanging in there as best as can be expected! I can't wait to be completely out of this situation.

Trying2Cope · Feb 22, 2009, 04:49 PM

Thanks for the advice it is easier said than done... but as each day goes by I do smile a little more!

movingoutandon · Mar 29, 2009, 04:45 AM

OH my Gosh! When I read this, I had to read twice to make sure I didn't post this. I was searching to see if anyone was going through what I am going through now and came across your page. My situation is so similar to yours that it is scary! My son and I are now looking for a place after moving in with my fiancé. I have learned a ring does not guarantee marriage and I will never leave my place to live with a man again. I know exactly what you are going through! He is sleeping in another room and it is so uncomfortable that I am going to go check into a hotel. All I can do is hope my things aren't destroyed because I don't have an apt yet. I know that we can get through this and I will be checking your site often to see how you are doing. You are in my prayers. I have no family here in Ohio either so this just makes me all the more understanding of your situation. I knew not to move in without being married, but he convinced me we would and now here I am broken up, looking for a place while he is out all night and I just found out he is back to talking to his ex, not Jane but Shonda. Life can be unfair, but I know God will make a way for us!

Trying2Cope · Mar 30, 2009, 10:11 AM

Thanks movingoutandon for responding. Well for me... I have actually recently completely moved out of the house. Most of my items are in storage. Although some of my items were destroyed or are missing! My former fiancée has had me running in circles... each day I do get stronger... we are going to court... lawyers have been involved... a whole other story! I learned the lessons... all too well... getting a ring means nothing! I too will never move in with a man until we are married! I may be alone and single once again... but I am not lonely by any means! I have a new start! It will be sad and hard at timee still going through the grieving process... but I will be OK as I was prior to meeting my EX! I am here if you need to talk!

movingoutandon · Mar 31, 2009, 10:41 AM

Good for you that you are out of the house! I cannot wait to get out. You are so right that we were okay before this, and we will be okay afterwards. Right now, I am trying to stay strong for my son and pretend to be happy although it hurts so much! To go from getting married to being back single is hard. I pray for your victory in court!

Trying2Cope · Mar 31, 2009, 03:43 PM

Movingoutandon... do not focus on the not getting married part! You have to focus on your child and yourself! It is all about you and yours right now! At first, I was focusing on that... and the whole thought was making me miserable! Why should I be miserable? When HE gets to smile and start a whole new relationship... mind you the new relationship overlapped with mine! Girl if you have to fake it till you make... then just do that! I only see my Former Fiancée in court... and YES when I go to court... I make sure that I am super Cute... nails and hair must be on point! I give him a look and keep it moving! One day... he will have to think about what happened! Of course the new relationship will eventually leave the honeymoon state... and reality will set in! They say everything happens for a reason... when your going through something... I used to think people say that to help you along! But I do believe in that saying... It may not come about immediately... but in the end you will be better off! The relationship ended because it was broke! It could be a number of reasons the reslationship ended! One person fell out of love... or the other person actions did not match up with their worlds! Or the person is just a SNAKE! You were trying to force something that just did not fit! I was not going to be kept in waiting while my EX tried out a new car! Well you know JANE is USED! LOL just new to him! JUST be glad you weren't married otherwise you would be going through a divorce. I was not married and that is exactly what I am going through! My current situation is almost like a divorce! Just learn to keep your head up no matter what... make sure you smile... even if it is fake and take your situation as a learning experience! We will always have the memories and no one can take that away from either of US! Good Luck and you can always respond to me in private!

movingoutandon · Apr 1, 2009, 01:00 PM

Oh my gosh that is too darn funny that you make sure you are super cute... you are now sounding like my mother! I have to get myself together cause my boss is now looking at me like what is wrong with you! Well I don't know the reason right now while all of this happened, but I hope to some day. I tell myself it is better to break up than to divorce so you are right. Thank you so much and I am going to have to take you up on the offer to send you private emails cause I am soooo thankful someone knows what I am going through!

Trying2Cope · Apr 1, 2009, 10:17 PM

Movingputandon... all you can do is take it one day at a time! All my friends and family were tired of hearing about my drama... at least that what I felt.. eventhough they were there to listen to me... it was not the same... so I came here and another site to post, vent, rant and rave! At first I too was looking a mess... did not care about my hair or how I looked... and was oh so miserable.. then I had to check myself! I tried.. that Is all I could have done! It takes two! Also my work was slacking big time... actually to this day I am still playing catch up! Currently I really do not know how I feel! I am on an emotional roller coaster... Not really ready to date but I have been out a couple of times and have spent time with a male friend! Just friends... right now I am focusing on me... and trying to get myself together! I also joined the gym! More than anything I beat myself up trying to make sense of my situation! I have a tendency to over analyze! At some point I will have to give up... and accept that I may not have an answer to what I am seeking... the answer may just find me one day! So moving I wish you luck if you are currently still in the house with your ex? I hope that you get out soon or at least get away from time to time! Living with my EX after we broke up was cordial until I confirmed that he already had another woman! Then that is when things got UGLY!! I could no longer live in the house with my former fiancée while he was laughing and having a ball in the other room... talking to JANE and the nerve of going on dates in front of me! That man almost had me loose my cool! No respect! While I am thinking and still miserable wondering where in the hell am I going to move to? I do not have any family in this dayum city! You know What goes around comes around! My ex will have to deal with KARMA! I am here whenever you need me... YES I am going through what you are going through... you can send me a private messeage on this site or send me an email... [email protected].

liz28 · Apr 2, 2009, 02:47 PM

I been through this too but I am glad that court and lawyers didn't have to get involve.

Me and one of my exes used to live together. We were engage and due to wed that following year.

They say that you never know a person until you live with them and living with him taught me a lot about him. Not only did he try to cheat on me but tried to cheat on me with one of my closest friend at the time. I must admit that she came and told me right away in my face and we confronted him together. Now of course he couldn't denied it so the only thing he could do is make excuses until of owning up to his actions.

Being that I have low tolerance for cheating decided to end it because I can't deal with a so called man that would even consider to cheat of me--let alone try to do it with one of my friend.

I wanted him out but I knew he had no place to go because he moved from another state to be with me. I let him sleep on the couch and give him exactly 30 days to find a place to live. Most people wouldn't have done that but I am a considerate person but he took my kindness for weakness.

I would come home and he would be sitting on the couch looking pituful and his pettiness turn to frustration and anger because I think somehow he thought he would try to win me back and once he realize his plan wasn't going work he got upset and started having major temper tantrums.

That's when I had enough and of his behavior. I calmly packed all his things, which was only one bag of clothing. Place it outside of my house. Give him the yellow pages and wished him well. He acted a fool outside to the point that the cops had to be call and when they arrived his tone changed and he left.

Now after that experience I vowed to never live with a man again but my tone changed once I met my fiancé. To this day I reflect on the relationship I had with my ex and I realize we wasn't for each other. I think, no I know, I over looked things that I shouldn't have because I wanted it to work while he had other goals. But I don't regret, I am glad it happen because it is easier to get rid of a boyfriend than a husband.