[Ellwood Blue]

I have been married for 18 years and have decided to divorce. Our marriage has been rocky since the beginning, but things really spiraled downward over the last few years. I may be a few months away from finalizing now. I have two daughters 12 & 7. I see them on a regular basis, and despite the fact that I don't live with them anymore, we have better quality time together then we did before, although it is sad for me sometimes not to see them everyday. I'm seeing a counselor now and am working through the separation. I have been in and out of the house for about 1.5 years. I moved out with a buddy for a couple months in February and then finally on my own with my own place as of May 1.

I've been seeing someone for awhile and I love her very much. It was on and off while I tried to figure out whether I wanted to stay home and stay married. I'll spare you the gory details. My girlfriend and I started seeing each other again in mid-February of this year. She loves me very much too. She loves kids and I have seen how other kids are drawn to her. We have talked about getting married some day and maybe having kids of our own. Of course that will take time as things settle down. We both know the odds of this working out, but we try to talk as open as we can. I live in Seattle and she lives in the Bay Area, so we don't get to see each other as often as we like. But, on the other hand this is giving me time and space to deal with my own personal issues with the divorce. She gives me all the space that I need. She was married for 12 years and has been divorced now for about 3 years.

We had just spent two weeks togther on a vacation and business trip and on the last day before she went back home, we had our first fight, centered around my soon to be ex-wife. She said a couple hurtful things and I felt really bad after the fight and really needed a cooling off period. It sparked some feelings and issues that we hadn't discussed before. She apologized and we made up. My girlfriend is a beautiful woman and other guys of course try to get to know her and want to date her but she says that she is strong and says no because she loves me and wants to be with me. Of coure it is flattering to me that others would want to date her, but on the flipside of this, I feel somewhat threatened and feeling vulnerable by this. Since I am not in a position of asking girls out or girls asking me out, I feel that maybe my confidence is down or I don't understand how women have to "ward" off other potential suitors. I'm generally not in a social position to be asking girls out and haven't been out there since I was 25 years old. I'm now 45 and she is 36. Sure I'm attracted to other women, but I am not walking up to them and asking girls out. So I guess that I don't understand how to handle these feelings of jealousy. I feel that she is much stronger since she has been on her own for so much longer than I. Since we had our first fight a few weeks ago, we've taken a little break from physically seeing each other, but we talked it through and have a good communication going. We talk almost daily and agree that we don't see other people, including my soon to be ex-wife.

Some ideas on this subject would be appreciated. I'm really having difficulty concentrating on my life with this drama that I am feeling. My question is really focused around my girlfriend and not around my ex-wife and daughters. Of course it is all part of the drama as well. But I did want to give you some background and history for your reply.

[carla123]

From what you say, I think that this new GF has a mind of her own, and that she is strong and independent and you have to accept her the way she is. For a woman so strong, the fact that she really want you and not another, shows that you ought to be happy about it. You are the one she wants, and you have to show her by your attitude and behavior that you are the right choice. If you continue being jealous, and keep picking fights, its not long before she decides that she took a wrong turn. So stand up and be a man.

Make her feel that you will stand up for her, no matter what. Make her feel secure in your relationship. Cause she has decided upon you and has even gone to the extent of warding off other men. YES! Strong women with a steady mind can do it! No doubts!

You have a 'real woman' for a GF, so make it work, instead of sulking about it. Be confident, looks like SHE IS YOURS. But show her the YOU ARE HERS.

[isabelle]

Maybe this is all signs of you needing more time. I don't expect you to stop seeing your girlfriend, but it sounds as if you need more time to adjust to your new status.
With the drama in your life right now, don't be in any hurry to make more. You are allowed to love and not marry your girlfriend. I think you are right in taking your time and sorting through your emotions.
We all have different times that it takes to be prepared to move into another situation. Take your time and enjoy life.

[talaniman]

I think your caught between unfinished business, and new business. First off lose the jealousy, as that will do a lot more harm than good. Maybe expressing it honestly, that you feel that way, but not acting on those impulses will help, and educating yourself, and learning about jealousy, would be beneficial.

Distance relationships bring out all kinds of feelings, and insecurities that needs to be dealt with. They are fueled by assumptions that can lead you in weird ways of thinking, and communications is of the utmost importance.

If your not use to dealing with a strong minded female, that can also lead to some insecure feelings, that can feed the jealousy even further. All in all, coping with those feelings, and standing up for yourself, and expressing yourself is what I think is important.

Don't take things so personally, and knowing when to back off, are skills to help you cope through those tough situations, and keep things in perspective. Your life is changing and evolving, and adjustments are needed.

What is the nature of the disagreement about the ex?