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Maybe this should be in the tips forum, but I'll post it here first...
My husband's brother and sister-in-law died in an accident and we are adopting their 2 children, ages 4 and 6. I am also pregnant with my first child. I know the children well and I really love them, but I'm worried about parenting them, as I've never had any children before. I figured I would just learn as I went along, with my baby, when he was born. But now I feel I need to learn things really quick! Maybe I'm stressing too much, but anyways I would appreciate some advice.
First of all, does anyone have any recommendations of good childcare websites or books? Would it be a good idea for my husband and I to go to a parenting class? I am not even sure what should be a good bedtime for them, how much they should eat, what I should tolerate and shouldn't tolerate behaviour wise, how much TV they should be allowed to watch, etc, etc... I know a lot of those things are individual and vary among families, but I really feel clueless and stupid. I have my husband's parents and my adoptive parents to ask for advice as well, but if anyone has any good suggestions, ideas, etc, I would really appreciate it. Right now we are staying at my husband's parents' house, but we will be flying home with the children (!!) this coming Monday, and I'm starting to freak out about it!
I'm sorry to hear about the tragedy and moved by your graciousness in this tough time.
I think you can use as much support as possible. Kids thrive on routine. Things will be rough because they don't know yours and you dont know theirs, but one thing that will help them in this confusing time is some sense of routine in their day. having dinners together, setting aside time for recreation, things like that give them something to hold on to.
My wife was a single mother when she had her first child. She was scared to death. She thought there would be some divine moment where all she needed to know would magically come to her. It didn't. You do the best you can, using your mind and heart... and kids generally do well despite of us. As long as they get some fundamentals.
When I met my wife she had an 11 year old. Very diff circumstances than yours... but one mistake I made was giving the child too much room. She didn't like me at first. She was angry I was around. But I probably gave her a little too much room. Once she saw I was genuinely interested in her, she slowly came around.
My wife once said, when things were tough, that her daughter was a good person who was just upset for now, but she'd come around. I'd suggest keeping that in mind. When things are trying, just understand the best is in front of you. Things will get better.
Obviously having support, having an outlet, will be helpful to you. Dont be afraid to lean on friends and family. And dont be afraid to be selffish sometimes too... you'll have a baby and two children to look after, but you also have a marriage. Sometimes an hour together alone can recharge you when things get nuts.
I dont want to ramble on anymore that i already have. Just take it one day at a time. Dont be afraid to make mistakes. You will. But you'll do more things right than wrong just by paying attention, being patient, and loving them.
Hi, Orange,
You and your husband are very, very wonderful people. Adopting the two children is a Blessing for them, and will be for both of you, too.
Just take it one day at a time. I have never had an "instant" family, but did help in raising my step-daughter, she was 5 at the time.
The children will let you know what they like, such as foods, drinks, when they normally go to bed, get up, etc. for starters.
Both you and your husband know what is best for them, how to treat them. You might not know it yet, but you do. You both love them, and I'm sure they love you. You will learn more with each day. Please try not to be worried about anything; it will come together!
Both your families will be a wealth of information, as to how to handle situations when they come up. Your families raised you and your husband to be wonderful people. Their advice is priceless!
First I am sorry for the loss, and with that, the children will need extra love and attention,
But they are just little people, they eat when you eat and what you eat.
When they are full they will not eat, when they are hungry they will tell you. You can put them to bed when you go to bed, ( we use a 9 or 10 pm bedtime for our 5 year old)
I can understand the "worry" but as a father of 5 ( oldest 30 and youngest 5) you give them lots of hugs, kisses when they fall, don't let them play one parent againts the other, a swat on the behind when they do wrong, and they graduate college before you know it.
Most of the books out now adays in my opinoin give alot of bad advice, and children do need a routine of sorts, they also like change at times too.
If they are too tired, they get fussy, you can't miss it believe me
yes. good point. as much as a routine will help them get comfortable with the situation, mixing things up is important too. gives them a chance to get excited about new things... the zoo, a new playground... one of the joys of being a parent is getting to be a little bit of a kid again.
I have 4 children (2 boys- 22 & 19, 2 girls- 6 & 7). After raising two boys, I did things differently with the girls, having been there done that.
Children love routine and structure. They need to count on certain things, and it leaves little room for argument. "I know you don't like such-and-such, but that's the rule." My kids start getting ready for bed at 7:30 every night and we read until 8. (Bathtime at 7 on Sundays and Wednesdays.) Small children need lots of sleep, especially if they have to get up early in the morning for school or daycare. Plus, all we have to do is look at the clock, and everyone knows what is expected.
VERY IMPORTANT - parents MUST present a united front. There is nothing worse than one parent being undermined by the other in front of the children. If you don't agree on something, talk about it at some other time. But come up with a plan about how certain situations will be handled. I say a lot "what did Daddy say?" or "Daddy just told you to do such-and-such. Now go do it." whether I think it's right or not. I expect the same from him.
Try to limit vices. My kids don't drink sodas, don't even like them. They LOVE raw baby carrots, pickles, and tomatoes. Sugared cereals every other day (and only because my husband started them on it!) They are not allowed to watch TV at all on school nights, and only a few hours on weekends.
Pick your arguments. My youngest wears the same skirt to school every day, I have to steal it to wash it. We don't like it, but there are more important things to argue about.
If you can find someone teaching a class on Love & Logic Parenting, I think every parent should be REQUIRED to take it. It is phenomenal.
Good luck to you both. You are doing a wonderful and courageous thing. Imagine the day you watch them graduate from high school or college - you'll know it was all worth it. Their parents will be smiling down on you then and now.
yeah, you have to pick your battles, like with the shirt. mine wanted to carry around his jack-o-lantern for weeks after halloween. oh well.
your point about reading at bedtime is a good one. my little one has a later bedtime...he's just wired like me... so he goes to bed toward 9:00 but he can also sleep in until 8:30. so 10 or more hours of sleep isn't uncommon unless you're dealing with a teenager. then its like 16 hours on the weekend...
but reading at bedtime is a great way to find a routine. dinner, bath, reading, bed. we read sooo many books. hard to complain about it. and while he has his favorites, its good to rotate a variety of books. i think my father-in-law saw a study that said students who performed well in reading skills were not necessarily read to often, but were read a wide range of books. makes sense. plus we grownups get to rediscover all of our old favorites and find new ones. my 19 year old was grumpy that we'd never read her sandra boynton's "snuggle puppy" or "birthday monsters"... she didnt care that they were written long after she had long outgrown her "jam-jams" (pj's) and her "banky" (blanket, of course).
Thanks everyone for all the wonderful advice and suggestions. I'm saving everything in a special file on the computer.
Fredg, I gave everyone else a positive comment, and I wanted to give you one too, but the system says I have to spread more rep around. Anyways I will try again later. Your advice to me was excellent too, and I don't want you to feel left out!
Anyways, you guys have given me a lot to think about. I'm glad you mentioned bedtimes, because I was wondering about that. During this past week (we are staying at the grandparents house for the shiva/mourning) the children have been going to bed at 8 pm or 8:30 at the latest, and getting up at around 7 am. So I'm thinking I would like to keep the bedtime of 8 pm for both of them. The fact that they get up early is fine as both my husband and I are morning people. Do you think that both can go to bed at the same time, even though one is older than the other? At what age should bedtime be increased to 9 pm or so?
Now here's where things get a little difficult. The contents of the children's rooms (toys, furniture, clothes, etc) are going to get packed up and shipped by moving van to where we live. My husbands family is paying for this, as they felt it the transition would be easier for the kids if they had they had basically the same rooms as before. We are quickly looking for a bigger house, as our current one has only 2 bedrooms and one bathroom. Anyways. My problem is, the children EACH have a TV and DVD player in their rooms, the 4-year also has a Nintendo Gamecube in his room, and the 6-year-old has a computer with internet access in her room!!! I am very very opposed to all of this. I don't think any of those items should be in a bedroom. I would rather we purchase a house with an extra room which can be a family room and/or playroom, and all those items can go in there. So I guess my question about that is, will it be really hard on the children if I take the electronic "toys" away? I'm not saying they can't ever use them, but I don't want them in the bedrooms where they are possibly unsupervised. They've been without these things for the week or so that we've been at the grandparents, so it won't be completely new.
I have many more questions but I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks again to all of you.
Just a quick note: did any of the grandparents babysit the children often? They would a good resource for finding out the kid's routines, habits, special likes/dislikes, special rules the parents had, etc.
I agree with many previous posts. Lots of love, positive reinforcement for good behaviour, set consistent boundaries for behaviour. You'll be rewarded by the unconditional love in return and be amazed at their growth and progress.
My kids beg for a TV (or a phone or a playstation, yada, yada) in their room, but it is important to stand firm. Children pick up on wishy-washy parents and will learn to manipulate them. Repeat this mantra in your head "*I* am the parent!" Even though I can be fairly strict with my kids, they still come to me for a spontaneous hug or cuddle. I think they really do appreciate strong parents even though they may not show it all the time.
My 6 and almost-8 yr old go to bed at the same time, always have. They rarely complain. They probably would if one got to go to bed later.
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