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I would like some advice on how to handle a situation with my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law was always the kind of woman who loved kids immensely, wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, her whole life revolves around her kids, etc. I think that is absolutely fabulous. Me, on the other hand, I've always wanted to pursue higher education, a career, etc. while also having a family. I love my children, however, my entire life does not revolve around them and I'm not particularly a "kid person". I have decided to stay at home with my kids, at least during their youngest years, because I don't want anyone else to raise them. However, my kids are not my life!
Here's the problem: I feel like my m-i-law thinks that because she is better with kids than I am (naturally) that that gives her the right to take over - specifically, with our first child, she has taken over 20 of the "firsts" that parents enjoy with a first child - teaching him to spell his name at 1 1/2 years of age! I never would have thought of attempting that at such a young age, but she did! Teaching him to play hide and seek at 1 year of age, buying him certain toys that parents look forward to buying for the first time, etc. This has gone on so often, that I have resorted to not letting her alone with him, simply because everytime he has spent time alone with her in the past he comes home having done some other "first" that I never would have thought to do with him at such an early age. Basically, she gets to it before I do. I don't want to cut her out of my children's lives, but it is extremely painful as a Mom to watch some other woman get to enjoy all the "first times" that are a mother's right to enjoy with her first child!
What should I do? Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer!
PS our first child is her first grandchild, so I know she's excited! But she's already been a Mom and she's had the opportunity to enjoy these things with three children of her own!
I have walked in your shoes, my sister has a very special place in my children's lives. Many times I have felt left out. One thing that has helped me, is to realise that when I hold on too tightly to my expectations in life, I strangle the life out of relationships.
When I was growing up, I had an aunt who was fun and loving. My mother was so jealous, that she constantly asked me if I loved my aunt more than her. This only served to alienate me from my mother more.
On the other hand, I also had a grandmother who loved me, and taught me many things. When my mother looked over at us with a peaceful smile on her face, I felt so connected with her, like she could see this good thing in my life. She was not trying to possess me, only see me, and enjoy my joy.
It doesn't matter too much who does it with him first, only who he feels safe with and loved by. If you are happy for him when he shows you for the first time, you will put your seal of love over his heart forever.
As revolutionary said by holding out on your childs accomplishment you are not able to enjoy as your son grows up.
As you already know your mother-in law does these things, take it easy sometimes and when you are around your son play games with him and let him remember the fun times instead of your moody silences just because someone else got there first.
Try not pressuring him into being tagged between his mother and grandma as he needs both of you in his life,teaching him things as he grows up.
Be happy for his new found knowledge,imagine if he was in daycare or some other place and learning from them,isnt it better that he has his family helping him to learn.Some mothers have all the pressures of looking after their children all year long without help, you have mother-in law who helps give you free time for yourself, enjoy it!
Be easy on yourself and look at the bigger picture....your son needs you to support him and not fight the person whos helping him and you (even if it is a bit unwanted).
A leadership course I took taught a way to phrase a sensitive issue to a difficult person:
When you ... I feel ... and get affected in this way: ... I need for this to change [stop, etc] Can we decide to stop this now, please?
That is you should say to your mother-in-law in the nicest tone of voice [imagine you are thanking your own mother for an unexpected lovely gift she gave you and the voice & tone will come]: Dear Mom [or her name whichever you use], whenever you do things with [name of child] that is a "first," I start to feel robbed of the opportunity to have enjoyed teaching my child that. You already had that opportunity with [your husband's name, and his syblings']. I haven't had that chance yet. I want this to stop because then I will feel like I get to raise my children. You are most welcome to come, visit & play with them but do you think you could let me in on it if you are thinking of buying anything for [the child], please. This way, I will have a chance to let you know if your son & I already have plans to get that thing and you will not end up carrying out our plans? I would very much appreciate this. Thank You.
Lots of luck delivering what you have learned here.
It is true that you will be able to understand her better if you remember that she is simply enjoying her grandson and feels she is helping you out as well through all that shae is doing. Unless you let her know without any malice and preconceived notion that she is trying to take your place, she won't know that her behavior is upsetting you. If you can be big about it that would be wonderful for all of you, as well, but if not rather than fester inside and let things get worse, deal with it as suggested by letting her know the facts in a loving manner.
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