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Hi. I am new to the message boards in hope that I can find some good advice on this situation I feel I am in.
I am 27 year old kids free female and the man I am dating is a 32 year old divorced male who I currently just moved in with. He has a very sweet, loving 8 year old daughter- who is the only child.
When he isn't working he tries to spend as much time as possible with her when he is home.
For the most part I am very happy with the relationship and my wonderful connection with the 8 year old as well.
I have no kids, but do enjoy spending time with her. Every night after work, she wants me to play barbies with her. I dont always feel up to playing barbies and dolls with her- most of the time I am tired.
I have brought this up to my boyfriend who will occasionally say something to her about me not always having time to play barbies with her. So she will usually wait til he isn't around and grab my hand and try to get me to her room to play dolls or run up to me and whisper Lets play dolls.
If I tell her no she pouts where her dad even notices.
I worry that if I don't play dolls with her, that he may not approve. He hasn't giving me an indication that he would not approve- just my anxiety of telling her NO I guess.
She is given constant attention by her dad- I wonder if its expected by me. How do I tell her no- without getting the poutiness I see when she doesnt get her way. The whole thought that I feel like I cant go home and relax without having to deal with this issue on a nightly bases bothers me ALOT. I feel like I don't have any control over the situation and I really don't look forward to going home. Its matter of not knowing how to deal with this I think...
Do I bring this up to him? If I should bring it up to him how do I keep it from becoming a defensive situation. Or is this just something I should not worry about telling him it bothers me and that I handle it myself?
All 3 of us have a future together so its important that we are all happy. Also- what about structure in her life? She seems to not want to chores or anything that involves responsibility- how can I make responsibility fun?
This is tough and I empathize with you. I have a thought - I would suggest since she wants a lot of the attention from him - what about find some activities that she could do independantly - sometimes girls this age like those bead kind of activities or dolls that have rollers, etc. It might help a bit.
Secondly - teaching her responsibility like making cookies together and than asking her to help you with the dishes - this way you are modelling for her and reinforcing the responsibility.
As for telling him - I am not too sure he will take it too well, I think starting a bit of this may help give you a bit of control and more time with your spouse.
Personally- if that were me, I would tell him. Communication is EVERYTHING. Don't say of course, "Your kid's being manipulitive." But say it where you won't be putting him on the defensive. Perhaps like, "I've been getting worried a lot lately, because (daughter's name) always wants me to play with her right after I come home from work and I'm tired- I don't want to let her or you down, because I want the BOTH of you to be completely happy- but I think because of it, I'm scared of telling her no and letting her down, what do I do?"
I'm sure if you tell him in a way that shows you DO care for her a lot and don't want to hurt her feelings- he'll be understanding and help you.
Okay hope this helps you out i have a 7 year old grandchild as well as a 9 year old both girls. When i have them over for 8-9 hours and they are still going strong and i am ready to drop from exhaustion i explain the following...I very much enjoy our playtime together but i need some time to rest now. Then i will suggest that i sure would love to have pictures made by them to put on the refridgerator. When they tire of that i say how about we just have cuddle time and watch whatever cd they really enjoy. there are also times when i say i sure could use a great helper like you to water plants or whatever. they feel important and you get the rest you need. Please don't get to hard on her but also yes small things like picking up stuff such as her play things should be inforced.
Now as far as the boyfriend goes..if you are not able to have conversations and worry what he thinks now what about later?. It is time to sit down and discuss as adults what rules she should have, boundaries, and most of all hearing the word no sometimes. You don't want to get down the road later so to speak and then find out if you are truly able to be a couple without arguing all ther time about the child.Much less living life worried to say NO to her incase either of them getting upset.
You as the adult have to set the boundaries. I don't really believe that she is being manipulative, she just likes to play barbie with you. It is perfectly all right for you to tell her no, later, tomorrow, some other time. She will pout, that's what kids do.
I don't really see that you have to go to your boyfriend, because this is a relationship that you are developing with this kid, as well as teaching her how to create and maintain her own boundaries. Don't feel bad when you have to say no to her, because that is life, nobody gets everything they want all the time.
You may want to make sure that you keep an open honest relationship with her dad about her, but you still have the right to keep your own boundaries.
Kids need you to enforce your boundaries, in order to show them how to enforce thiers, and that is a crucial part of good discipline.
another thing that you can do (and what both my working parents did with me) is to set up a time zone (eg. 7pm-9pm) that is her time with you. This gives you time to take a breather after work and gives her homework time. If the 6-7 gap is too much for her then take a timer set it for one hour and give her an activity to do for that hour. She what picture she can draw for you in an hour or get her to make you a nice calendar for an hour. Something along those lines. For your together time you could select another activity. Kids love to learn right? Get a "safe" chemistry set. A microscope kit. Read together. have her read to you then you read to her.
You are lucky. Many children will try to alienate the "new" parent but she seems to be embracing you. She likes you
Another option is bribery!!! If you know that you have a day or 2 off coming up then make a deal with her, tonight we will have our own individual night or she does something quiet like read a book or watch some toons. Tomorrow you can invited a friend and we will have a sleepover (you included, be a kid again). She will feel like you want to be an active part of her world. Then when she is older you will have her trust and she will talk to you about the issues she is facing then (eg. sex, drugs, etc...) To encourage the book-reading, give her books that you read as a kid. Tell her that you loved it and that you want her to read it so that you can talk with her about it and get her opinions. this will boost her reading and comprehension as well as prepare her for those dreaded book reports. Plus you might learn a few things about these favorite books that you never knew about.
Have fun with her while you can. As for the Hubby, tell him how you feel and what your plan is. maybe he'll want to try a few of these ideas himself and then both of you can share some time together. He might be as stuck as you are for some private time to relax.
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