I am an alcoholic, and I put myself into rehab. I'm going to Intensive Outpatient counseling 3 times a week. My mother has filed for custody of my daughter, who is 11 1/2. Is my daughter old enough to tell the judge who she wants to live with? Can I lost custody of her even though I am taking the necessary steps to better myself and quit drinking? In the past, I have just simply not come home after work. My mom watches my daughter after school, and I'd go to happy hour and just end up drinking all night. I guess that would be considered abandonment, but I knew she was safe and with my mom. Anyway, THAT is the only thing I've done wrong, I never neglected her, beat her, hit her etc... and she has everything she could ever want or need. Can my past mistakes come back to haunt me? I have a conciliation conference tomorrow and I'm so nervous.

Two yeses - your daughter is old enough to tell the Judge about her preferences on whom she wants to live with and why and yes, your past can come back to haunt you. Anyone's past can come back to haunt them, so you are not the only one in that boat. Your Mother may gain a temporary custody while you are straightening yourself out.

Congratulations on taking the step toward sobriety. While it is not easy, you have a lot to live for, in being the Dad to your daughter. Wishing you the very best and good luck.

Congratulations from me also.
What I find interesting is that now that your trying to get your life together your mom wants custody.Have you been down this road before or did your mom prefer it when you where a drunk?Did you check yourself in before your mom filed or after?If before that would look good in the courts eyes.

Hi Jbird,

Yes, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!! Let nothing bump you off the road to recovery. I admire and respect greatly what you are doing.

I am not sure what the actual laws are, but I think Shygrneys has that all covered for you.
Be sure and recover for YOU. If Mom does get temporary custody until you are stronger on your feet or prove that you are recovering, I do not see the harm.

It's okay too be nervous, sometimes it makes us just a bit more focused. Stay on this healthy road you have chosen and you will be amazed and how things fall into place. No one is perfect, but it is those who 1) Admit it and even more imporant 2) Work on fixing it, that I truly do admire!!

Bravo and good for you :)

The last straw was on New Years Eve. I was a mess, and I knew my mom was going to file. So I put myself into rehab, to get better, but yes, also to look good for court. This hasn't happened before (the court thing) but I just think my mom is so sick of me being this way, and it hurts my daughter when I don't come home, that she decided to try to get custody. So far recovery has been good, but if I lose custody of her, I see myself drinking to drown out my depression. Thanks to all that responded!

Jbird, take a breath. And know that as a sober alcoholic myself, I can appreciate the mess we "wake up to" in early sobriety. It is our mess though. And you'll get through it one way or the other. Best to make your sobriety a priority or you risk getting through it NOT sober.

As hard as this might seem to endure-- if you lose custody for now, it may be that relieving you of the responsibility of her care is exactly what's needed for you to concentrate on getting and staying sober, so that you can rebuild your relationship with your daughter and your mom. They will very likely need time to see that you are staying sober -- I know my family and friends did. That's understandable. No offense but you haven't likely been sober long enough to appreciate how much alcoholism damaged their trust. Its why AA calls it the "family" disease and you may all need to rebuild together. That usually takes time.

If you use your fragile condition to "ransom" stuff or pressure people, its been my firsthand experience and the experience I have seen from many many others that you will lose the stuff and your sobriety both. Recovery has to be UNconditional if it is to become the kind that lasts. Don't be looking for a place to fall down, as we say in the meetings, or sure enough you'll find it.

Please try to seek the help of other recovering alcoholics. AA is a good place for that. And perhaps adopt a more easy does it "we'll see" attitude about some things. What initially seems bad to us may be a gift in disguise. You might even consider being grateful your mom is willing to step into the fray, if you can manage that. It would be a good start in mending relations, to recognise her efforts with a thank you. I hope this helps, Jbird.

And keep in mind that this is a lifelong process with your daughter. Don't let that seem daunting or intimidating. Let time be on your side.

You have time to make things right. Take the time and make good use of it.

If things don't go your way now you still need to keep working toward that end.

I firmly believe that if all you say is true, that you can have a strong relationship with your daughter, no matter how much she hurts. It may be tough. She may be confused. You are certainly going to have a lot of work to do.

You have the time to do it starting now.