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My son is 24 years old. I have always been there for him. His father and I split when he was 12 and his sister 17. I raised them pretty much on my own before then anyway- my ex was a mechanic who would rather find any excuse than be home with his family. He used to stay late at work doing side jobs, then just stay there hanging out with his work buddies. My ex and I split in 1996, and I moved in with a co-worker, and not long after met my now husband. We also worked together. My son went back and forth between me and his father for a while, and finally settled down with me and my husband. Last fall my son decided he wanted to do the hippie thing and go out west. He fell in love with a girl. She had just gotten out of a relationship,and she and my son had kept in touch for about a year. I told him he should save his $$ and then go, but he was adamant and would not listen. Her father gave them a truck, and off they went- Colorado- she had a cousin there, so they would get jobs. That did not work out, so they went to California, and Arizona. They got jobs there and they loved it. I talked to him every single day. When their truck blew a tire, and they did not know what to do, I paid for 2 new tires over the phone. Then my son's front tooth broke- I told him if he were here, I could try to help him out with getting his tooth fixed (he needed a lot of dental work- he was having a little done at a time before he left)- I found out it would cost me $1200 up front, which I don't have. He came back, and then got mad at me- because he said I lied. That all leads up to last year- 4th of July weekend. It started out to be a good day- we were listening to old Dylan and talking- he was making some jello shots to sell at a festival- but then he started drinking them- they were strong. I told him he was getting carried away and needed to stop. Next thing I knew, my daughter got mad at him saying he had eaten all her lunch meat (did I mention he and his girlfriend were now living in my basement, and only she was working?- when they got back he was rearended by a woman in front of our house, and the truck- their house they had been living it out west- was totalled)- he had no way to get to work. The whole 4th of July turned nasty- my son started listening to his music- loudly- and when asked to turn it down, got louder- and started singing loudly. He came upstairs (they were living in the basement) and he and my husband argued. My son pushed me. He then went downstairs and called the cops- he said it was because he was afraid someone would get hurt. My son pushed me, and when the cops got there they arrested him. My daughter and I tried to straighten out the mess, but to no avail. My son and his girlfriend moved in with her father for a time. The only contact my son had after that with me was to tell me what a bad mother I am- he dropped out of school and 15, and he blamed me (how do you get someone there who is 2x your size- carry them)? I tried everything, I met with the probation officer, the principal- all to no avail. I don't know where he has gotten the memories of his childhood, but he blames me for EVERYTHING- none of what he says is true, but he won't talk to me to let me set the record straight. My grandson (my first) was born a month ago, and I have never seen him. If not for myspace, I would not even know what he looks like. I went to where my son works at Christmas and gave him a card with $50 (they really need the money, and I thought maybe that would be the beginning of mending fences) but all that happened was he got mad (he was working at Chili's, and it was very busy.)- I don't know what to do- he won't talk to me, answer my e-mails, nothing- it's all I think about- all day- not fair to my family, but my heart is broken- what do I do?
ksat. Wow. You really poured your heart into this post. I am so sorry you are in such pain.
Honey, your son is 24. He is a man with a family. As hard as I know this is for you, you must leave him alone, for now. I know you want to make things right between you both. But, unless he is a willing participant, which it appears he is not, you are left pushing on a door that, for now, is closed and locked. The more you push him, the more he will push you away from him. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your son, is to allow him to become the man he seems to finally be on his way to becoming. He needs time to grow up and to realize that he has been unfair in judging you the way he has, that parents try their best, and that he misses you. The only way that is going to happen is if you leave him alone to learn the life lessons that come with living and growing into a mature adult. If nothing else, having a son is bound to teach him that.
I would suggest that you send him cards on those special occasions (birthdays & holidays) and you send presents for the baby. Do not place any expectations on him. Just keep your notes loving and upbeat. Life has a funny way of creating openings for us along the way. It is never as straight and logical a path as we would like. There will be a point in time in which one of your cards or presents will create that opening in his life. He will eventually reach out to you and then, you can begin to mend fences. For now, find comfort in your daughter and your husband. Find comfort in those loved ones that choose to be around you now.
Ksat, I totally agree with Ruby. I am in a similar situation except it is with all 4 of my kids and I have realized there is nothing I can do to change it. Anything you do will make it worse. He will resent all your efforts and pull back even further. It has to come from him. I believe, with all my heart, the day will come when my kids ( and your son) will come back.
Well, ksat, if you have no way to contact him, then just forgo the suggestion of gifts & cards. The remainder of my advice still stands, probably even more so since it is apparent he doesn't want you to know where he is right now. As much as this is tearing your heart out, you need to allow him to do as he chooses and let him go. If you are at all religious, I would suggest finding solace in your prayers. If there is a clerical person that you know and hold in high regard, you might want to talk to him/her about this. If you aren't religious, if this is creating so much pain in you that you are overwhelmed with grief, I would suggest seeking out a family counselor to speak with. Sometimes we need outside help in realigning our thinking so that we can learn to find some happiness in the people who do want to be around us.
As Forgiven has stated, the reaching out has to come from your son. You have done what you can. So, find things in your life that will help give you some peace of mind until he decides to reach out for you.
If you are at all religious, I would suggest finding solace in your prayers. If there is a clerical person that you know and hold in high regard, you might want to talk to him/her about this. If you aren't religious, if this is creating so much pain in you that you are overwhelmed with grief, I would suggest seeking out a family counselor to speak with. Sometimes we need outside help in realigning our thinking so that we can learn to find some happiness in the people who do want to be around us.
This is very good advice. I am a committed Christian and I have received much solace in the scriptures. Also, in prayer and praise. I found that when I am in deep grief, I cannot think about the scriptures or even remember simple little songs so I made up a book of Bible verses, prayers, and songs that I can read at those times. It really helped me get through the worse times. I also saw a counselor. He suggested a couple books to read and they helped me too.
One thing we need to realize is that we do not have the power to change anyone but ourselves. We need to put the past behind us and look only to the future. I re-read your original story and your son sounds so much like my kids except my kids are older -- all in their late 40's. My kids are all very successful in business and have many friends but they listened to their father who was very narcissistic, a notorious liar, and extremely negative. If he wasn't lying, he exaggerated everything he said. (We divorced 30 years ago.) They evidently have believed his lies. They are all grieving him right now. He died an awful death only 3 months ago and they were with him during his illness. I am praying that they will get over their hatred of me when they are able to think straight. How long that will be, I don't know. I may not live long enough.
I will pray for you. You don't deserve this -- neither do I.
Forgiven - hello. This is KSat's daughter. I was just checking for replies, and thought I would tell you that I will pray for you, and I hope everything works out with your children.
I just wanted to say that when I was younger I had no contact with my family. My mother passed away when I was 21 and it was obvious when that happened that she held myself, my brother and my father together. We all stopped talking and it became harder and harder after time passed. I guess all I really want to say is that often when people are hurting they dont realise really what the core of that hurt is. The people who are close to us and those we love sometimes dont react in ways we want and expect them too, and sometimes when we are at fault (especially when others around us are right) its easier to blame everyone else. Do give your son time. I didnt speak to my dad for 3 years and to my brother for 5. I grew up a lot in that time, had a baby of my own, and learnt that parents do the best they can and that family is really important (lessons my son taught me). I finally started contacting my brother after 5 years and it took a while, mostly because we both felt awkward after so long, but now we have a really respectful and wonderful friendship. Let your son do some growing. If you can figure out a way let him know you are thinking of him and his family and you are open to him contacting you and you all moving on from this. But dont expect him to contact you straight away, and dont go into too much detail. He will come back to you, just know he needs to grow a little and I'm sure his child will teach him amazing lessons on life, family and just how hard it is to be a parent.
Thank you so much, Jenni. It's good to hear from someone who has been through it on the other side. I have been wondering what my kids are thinking and it is probably something like you went through. I hope it wasn't their dad who held us together. I am hoping they will eventually (soon) decide to put their hurt aside and open their arms to me. I hope the same thing for Ksat.
I'll share this for what it is worth and want you to know that I am not accusing you of anything - just sharing observations I have from a close family member with a similar situation.
This woman is 59 years old and has 6 children: 2 biological sons, 3 girls she adopted from a sister that just went out for cigarettes one day and never came back and 1 stepson. Her children rarely contact her. One son has virtually dropped out of her life.
Her bio-sons resent her for moving them around from town to town, divorcing their dad and playing games when it came to visitation and child support and constantly talking bad about the dad. She wanted them to take the name of husband number 2 and act like their dad never existed. When she took in the girls they were treated like Cinderella - they were there to serve her and chores came before school work and there was rarely time for any thing else. She shipped off the two bio-sons when they got to the difficult teenage years because she didn't want to have to deal with it. Their dad is the only reason they finished school. The other 4 that grew up with her never finished school. One managed to get her GED to join the ARMY and is on the other side of the world now. They have all suffered in various financial ways because of their lack of education.
This woman always put interests ahead of her children and now the seeds she sewed years ago have come to fruition. She laments to me often how none of her children call or come to see her. I refrain from pointing out to her that her behavior towards them 20 years ago is the main factor in why they don't want to be around her today. She did all the things a mom should do - provide shelter, feed them and bought xmas presents, but she also did a lot of things to alienate her children and has conveniently forgotten those.
I'll repeat, that I am not saying you did anything similar to this, but people generally don't suddenly cut other people out of their lives for no reason, especially those who need help finanically.
All you can do at this point is wait to see if he seeks you out then have an honest discussion of what the issues are between you.
I was just checking for replies, and thought I would tell you that I will pray for you, and I hope everything works out with your children.
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