My invisible child

Sentra · Nov 13, 2006, 10:45 AM

Whoa, hold the phone.

When your wife, current one, married you she should have realized that custody or not, you and your children are a package deal. You are THEIR father, and not your wife's crashtest dummy. If you want to spend time with them, she needs to accept that you have children and suck it up. If she can't fully accept them, she cannot fully accept you.

Spend time with them, have them over, show them how much you love them regardless of the situation. I have been in their shoes, it isn't easy but the time spent with the parent they rarely get to see will be a great bonus.

You don't want your kids to feel ignored and resent you because you have remarried and started a new family. They are the ones that matter most in this situation, not the wants of your wife, who in my opinion is not being supportive at all.

yorgo · Nov 13, 2006, 10:53 AM

I agree, she is not supportive. We have had this argument many times before and she just doesn't get it. Her idea of being supportive is helping feed the kids when they are visiting.
My problem is with my 3rd child. He is only 3 years old and I have yet to spend a single minute with him.

This, I know, will end up in a 2nd divorce. She told me a long time ago she would NEVER accept my 3rd child. Yes, she has issues.

Sentra · Nov 13, 2006, 10:59 AM

I am very sorry to hear that she is treating you this way, not only you but your children. As the step-mother and wife to you, I can't believe her behavior and were it MY way I'd switch bodies with you and establish your presence as head of the household and give her the "Love me, all of me, or leave me" speech. This is about the children but it sounds like she is making herself out to be the victim, with the "Geez, these kids aren't mine! Why should I have to deal with them?!" bit. Issues, ha, she's got full blown subscriptions.

Haha, anyhoo, these are the years for your children that they will remember most. The "When I was a kid..." stories come up a lot, notice that? Honestly, I am trying to keep my own anger out of this so please forgive me if I cross the line, and I do apologize. She should get to know them; she married you and they are apart of you, why can't she at least try for all of them.

yorgo · Nov 13, 2006, 12:11 PM

I know what I have to do but I don't understand why I am such a chicken about this. Right now we are getting along. She's usually hard to get along with. I feel like I don't want to stir things up while times are good. A big part of me knows what has to be done. I have to think about my kids first. I have to get to know the 3rd child, he doesn't know me at all. The 2 older ones will soon be asking why their little brother isn't allowed to visit when they do.

I just don't understand why I have such a hard time talking to my wife about this. I know where she stands on the subject and I just don't want to go through another divorce and definitely don't want to do this to our little boy who's only 2. When the $hit hits the fan she will kick me out of the house. I know it.

She will say exactly these words "If you want to get to know your bastard 3rd kid then you don't have to ever see this one again". She will try to prevent me from seeing my 4th child. I just feel like I'm in a hard spot but it's been on my mind for the last 3 years.

My current wife just started working again. Part time at night and weekends. There is absolutely no way she can afford her house, cars, bills, etc.. That I pay for now. She will know that if she kicks me out she will likely lose the house so I'm not sure how it will play out. I just don't know how to start this 'talk' with her.

Doesn't help that she is bipolar

Fr_Chuck · Nov 13, 2006, 02:40 PM

You take your kids, all three of them, to treat one kid badly becaues he was not planned is beyond bad, Your kids all three are your kids.

And you tell your new wife she has no choice or voice in it, that you get your kids on visitation and you dn't want to hear another word about it.

It is not even a point to discuss with her.

CaptainForest · Nov 13, 2006, 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yorgo

Current wife does not want me to aknowledge my 3rd child with my ex. This was a major problem when I was dating my current wife.

Then why the heck did you continue to date her and then marry her?

Your kids are part of you, ALL 3 kids.

If she cannot accept that, then your marriage is not worth anything and it is time for you to move on.

aqua@home · Nov 13, 2006, 05:36 PM

WOW! STOP!

You have a responsibility to your children first and foremost. Once you broke up with your ex, there is only your children left. They need to be first in your life until they are moved out of the house. You chose to have those children before you ever chose another wife and now you are committed to them. As a parent you are committed to do what is best for them. Yes you matter, but they matter more.

I can see that you are married already, so what's done is done. It is very selfish of your wife to act like this. She needs to understand that your children have to come first. She may not like it, but that is your duty as a father. You two could work with each other but under no circumstances are you required to put your children on the back burner.

This invisible child bull...well tell your wife to get a grip. Crap happens and she's in it!

Your kids don't need to suffer because of it. They have suffered through a divorce and that is quite enough.

You said you know what to do, just know that you are not wrong and know that you will have support!

talaniman · Nov 13, 2006, 06:17 PM

As mad as I am with your wife for being petty as well as unsupportive, I find myself even madder at you for allowing anyone to tell you how to treat your own kids. Do away with the restrictions and make sure you bond with your 3 year old. My gosh if she can't handle your kids for 3 lousy weeks a year, that my friend is a DEALBREAKER. If she doesn't like it hit the road don't look back. Now step up and be a real father to your children and stop allowing this selfish, stupid behavior. Sorry my kids come first. Tell her to get a therapist or whatever these are your children and she better get over it and you need to be about it.

Skell · Nov 13, 2006, 06:48 PM

This current wife of yours sounds like a real piece of work.
And if you are too gutless to stand up to her then I really feel sorry for your kids.

Are you gutless? Are you willing to let her dictate you like this?

Or are you a man and are you going to show unconditional love to ALL of your kids?

I do hope there is a real man in there somewhere!

My invisible child

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