I am dating a very nice man who has two children. I also have two boys who are older one in college and one a senior.His chidlren are 15 and a 10 year old daughter. My question concerns her. How old is too old for her to be sleeping with her Dad? She is a very good actor and it seems she likes me we do a lot tof things together. BUt the minute her dad comes home or around us she runs to him and has a stomachache or she is tired. We recently took our families on vacation together. We made the decision not to sleep together because of the ages of his children. We all had separate bedrooms. BUt she starts this I feel bad around bedtime every night and has to sleep in his bed. I really like him but this is bothering me a lot.

Has he ever said no to her, that she has to sleep in her own bed? Does she have her own bed? Did the older daughter go through this too? Do you know when or why this started?

THe older child is a boy he is 15. Yes she has her own bed. I helped to decorate it so that she would sleep in it or so she said THings are starting to make since now. She has whined and cried the entire time we have been on vacation if her Daddy doesn't do everything she wants. We have had no time to just talk so I can't ask him if he has ever told her no. If we walk out in the ocean she comes running whining about sonething, her stomach hurts her throat hurts. WE just tried to lie down for a second and here she comes crying about her stomach. BUt as soon as I get up and go away from her Daddy she is fine. She sneaks and talks to her mom for directions about what she should do. They have been divorced for 61/2 years. Her mom is remarried so I don't get the part about her mom using her to cause problems for us. But I guess this week will eventually come to and end and so will this relationship because I am not going to compete with a ten year old.

I would insist on some alone time with him. I would express ALL of my concerns. If you can't communicate now, most likely the relationship won't work out anyway. Good Luck!

I think she is going through some anxiety over your relationship with him. And I think she needs some help, possibly counseling to get over it.

Sounds like she is incredibly insecure about her relationship with her father with you now in the picture. He needs to reassure her without coddling her and you need to show her you are not a threat and just because he is interested in you doesn't mean he doesn't love her anymore. 10 is too old to be sleeping with Daddy, IMO.

How often does she get so spend time with her dad? Is it possible that bedtime is the only time that she gets with him? Maybe he should set aside other times to spend with her- if that is that case. Just an idea, but that would only make sense if she doesn't see him often.

Now that we are in a relationship the children are with us every weekend and most of the week days because their mom works funny shifts and I insist that they stay with us instead of their grandparents who are in their 70's . I cook every night and I think they should be eating a balanced meal not fastfood with nana. He spends a great deal of time with her. He works 7-5 but from 6-9 he is playing with her or we are playing with her, so its not the time issue. We do not sleep together in his house when she is staying with him. I go home. So that's can't be the issue with her. I have talked to him about it. At first he said I wa asking him to choose between me and his daughter but I assured him I was not. I have started to point out the things that I referred to... i.e... crying because we couldn't find a bathing suit she wanted after we spent 2 hours looking. Crying for a bike that was bought but never ridden... Staying up hours after being told to go to bed, crying because her older brother got a car this weeks and she didn't get one... The funny thing is every time she does this I can check her cell phone and she has talked to her mom about 5-10 minutes before she started to cry or whine. I am an only child and I asked my mom if I acted like this when I was her age. No, she said I really loved my dad but limits were set and rules followed. But I can be the one to set the rules and discipline. She knows that she is getting to spend more time with her Dad now that I am around. Her mom would never agree for her to get counseling and being 10 and having joint care she would have to sign.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy but this more than I ever imagined.

Attention is giving to her 24-7 between myself, her brother and my two boys she is the center of attention 8-% of the time. Like right now her dad is very tired he took her to the water park today but she is whining and won't take a shower and brush her teeth so we can go pick up her brother. She is rolling around in her dad's lap as I type.

This sounds very miserable.

Part of him being a good father is not giving in to every tear and puppy dog face his child makes... If he continues to be a "yes man" to his daughters manipulation then your relationship will not work, eventually you will resent him and the time and effort you are putting into this relationship with him and his children.

This is his problem to solve. All you can do is wait around if he's willing to work things out or Leave Now.
From what you've stated:
"I have talked to him about it. At first he said I was asking him to choose between me and his daughter but I assured him I was not."
He doesn't seem like he'll be coming to his senses anytime soon so IMO this relationship is heading down the tubes.
Maybe he's a good person and father but he could be a whole lot better by being a firm but loving father and also being more considerate when it comes to your feelings and time.
Are you willing to wait around for the possibility that he might wake up and see/solve the issue at hand? That's what it all boils down to...

Hi mono,

10 is definitely to old to be in bed with her father.
She obviously has issues with your relationship, thinking maybe if you get to close to dad then there is no room for her.It's all about you taking her Dad from her, remembering that her Mum now technically has a replacement for her Dad... even though us grown ups know this is not the case.

I think in the back of her mind she thinks somehow you will eventually disappear... and it's working isn't it.At 10 years of age she will know exactly what she is doing, it's down to Dad to maybe on occasion when she comes for a cuddle or what ever it may be , to say hang on a bit sweety, wait your turn whilst continuing to hug you,not give an immediate response to her.

Eventually she will realise that Dad is not always going to drop everything when she demands attention, after all she is 10 years and not 10 months.
Whether Dad feels guilty about the break up of his marriage, I don't know,was it his fault maybe? Perhaps he feels he has to compensate her in some way, by answering all of her demands.

This was always going to happen whether with you or another, so he needs to sort it now.Her Mum and her Dad should take her to one side and quietly explain how they both love her, and that will never change no matter what. Mum has a new friend but she still loves her, and Dad has a new friend and he still loves her, also Mum and Dads new friends also love her.

Dad has to start saying to her... I can't do it right now sweetheart, but if you wait 10 minutes... or you can start with 5, then I'll help you then OK, then carry on with what ever he was doing ignoring her for a while.

I know it will be hard but if you stand together on this ,eventually she will start to drift away and occupy herself with something else, what ever you do,don't forget to go back to her as you promised... very important.

The bed thing has to stop,infants do this but not juniors. I think you have to work one step at a time, sort out the attention seeking problem first, when that has happened, you'll probably find that, the bed thing won't be as important.Dad could start by just insisting that he wants the bed to himself at first, take it from there.

Goodluck