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coffeecream · Mar 4, 2012, 11:13 PM

I became a single parent, through divorce, when my oldest was 18 and my youngest was 11. My marriage to my exhusband was abusive for both me and the kids. When my oldest was 15, I sent him to live with his father, not my exhusband, because we were having major problems with my son. My ex was very abusive when it came to dislipling our kids, we did not see eye-to-eye. Well, within that time thinge went down hill for our marriage. I moved out and filed for a divorce. My oldest son moved back in with me and has been back and forth between my home and his dads, for the past 3 yrs. He is now 20 and living in my home. He has a lot of anger towards me and my youngest son. We constantly argue and he is verbally abusive towards me amd my youngest. He is still working towards his high School Diplioma... not working, no car, and hangs around the wrong crowd of people. His father seems to think that he may be on drugs... I am not sure of that. We argue constantly about him respecting my home and his younger brother. I hate the fights and want to have a peaceful home life my youngest. I don't want any bad habits to rub off. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

MS.CONFUSION · Mar 7, 2012, 10:02 AM

If your son was the victim of abuse as a child he really needs to get some help to overcome this. If he is willing to see a counsler I would set something up for him its not to late. But if he is unwilling to try to change it is very likely that your youngest will develop some bad habits as well. Its not fair to your youngest to have to be abused by his brother.

jenniepepsi · Mar 7, 2012, 10:20 AM

My first thought is stop thinking of him as a child. I know from experience from my own parents, if you treat him like a child, he will continue to act as a child.

I would suggest counseling to him. Unfortunately you cannot force him into counselling. But you can encourage it.

Given that he was abused, it may be that he is taking his own anger over it out on others. And it needs to be addressed. But by HIM.

He must be the one wanting and willing to change.

Good luck. I am sorry you are struggling with this.

grammadidi · Mar 7, 2012, 11:39 PM

I agree with jenniepepsi but will go one step further. Your son is an adult so he should behave like one. It is very sad that he was abused, but it is not an excuse for him to be abusive. You cannot allow him to continue to live in your home if he is going to be abusive. Set limits and stick to them. It will be difficult, but it will start him on the road to recovery and will protect you and your youngest son. Neither of you are healed from the abuse from your ex-husband. If you were you would not allow him to abuse you and your other son and if he was he wouldn't be abusive to the two of you, either. You would both benefit from therapy, but in the meantime, you must put an end to this abuse immediately. It will be healing for all of you.

Tough love is tough, but it can be just the thing to break the cycle of abuse!

I hope this helps.

Hugs, Didi