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    How to cope with mean adult children

    Asked Jan 2, 2010, 07:54 AM 38 Answers
    My son is home on leave from the navy for 9 days, I've been sick for awhile and trying to get better before he came home, but haven't been able to. I wasn't able to walk far in the airport and had difficulty swallowing/choking, but I was able to meet him (4 hr trip and on my birthday) I think the anxiety made things worse. He wanted to eat(my daughter was with us) I couldn't eat. While they ate, my son scolded me for coming. On the way home he sat up front and my daughter kept putting the window down when she smoked and the music was blarring. I couldn't rest and kept getting sicker. She pulled off the road and screamed at me for acting like I was (I had started to cry). I tried not to. Then she got lost and yelled at me to help her (she has a gps). When I told her I thought she'd made a wrong turn my son, who had been sleeping, said he throws out back seat drivers. I apologized for being so sick.

    I wanted things to go smoothly during these 9 days. I had an awful birthday. On New Years we all went out. My daughter drove (they let me sit in the front). My daughter came to a dead end and yelled that my purse was in her road. I moved it and she came to another dead end. I told her it was because of my purse and this time she slapped me. I was shocked and upset. We went inside (a casino). I couldn't keep pace with them (still not feeling well). They left me alone all night. I didn't hear from them again until just before midnight. My son came to find me and I was so happy, but I couldn't keep pace again and told him to go ahead. Medics saw me sitting at the top of the stairwell and I begged them not to do anything because my son was only home for these few days. They took my blood pressure, called my kids and my son came back, not my daughter. My son encouraged me to get rid of them so I did. My daughter was waiting at the front and we rode home together. She was really drunk and kept saying how I had ruined everything. My son said he wished he'd never came home. She kept saying how much she hated me. I'm still in shock.

    Yesterday was New Years Day. I made sauerkraut and pork (family tradition) they (son and daughter left for the day, early afternoon, didn't hear from them again until this morning. They left me to babysit my 7 yr old grandson and picked him up to take him to a ballgame. I said I didn't feel well enough to go. My son is only home for a few more days. I haven't had much time with him and I want nothing to do with my daughter. I'm having trouble dealing with this ordeal any help? It will be 1 year and 10 months before I see my son again.

    Wanted to add, their father deserted them when they were 5 and 9 and I've raised them myself.

    Last edited by talaniman; Mar 6, 2014 at 07:43 AM.
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    adam_89's Avatar
    adam_89 Posts: 1,847, Reputation: 278
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    #2

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:14 AM

    You need to step up and make them respect you. They should respect you enough just for the fact that you raised them on your own. You need to put them in their place and make sure they know you are still their mother. You aren't helping them realize how messed up they are. You are helping them walk all over you. You need to call a little family meeting and discuss with them how you feel and that they need to respect you more or you will have nothing to do with little brats. You keep hurting yourself more than anything.
    Helpful (1)
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,244, Reputation: 3298
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #3

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:16 AM

    I can feel how awful that must be for you, I am so sorry this visit has not gone well.

    You probably would have been further ahead to just stay home, but obviously they were not treating you well by any stretch regardless.

    That she slapped you is so totally over the line and to not show remorse or apologize is unbelieveable to me.

    To add insult to injury you were unable, as much as you wanted to, to keep up with them because you are not well.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you.

    All you can do now is not expect much more from them. They are selfish and disrespectful to say the least.

    When the dust settles after this visit, I would be inclined to send them an email, detailing what you have here, and how it made you feel. Tell him what you expect for the next visit, and set some expectations.

    I would hope they would be mortified by their own behaviour, but if they are the type of people to treat you like this in the first place, likely they won't feel a thing.

    But, by setting some boundaries and expectations, clearly, you will at least have some control next time.

    Good luck to you.
    Helpful (1)
    sabrewolfe's Avatar
    sabrewolfe Posts: 420, Reputation: 96
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    #4

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:18 AM
    Yeah, I got some advice, kick these little disrespectful, ignorant kids out of your house! They're not adults, but spoiled little children. You are their mother, and deserve to be treated with respect! Throw the bums out and tell them to never return.
    I could never treat my mother that way. Your kids have a lot of growing up to do. Teach them a lesson by kicking them out of your life sweety.
    I hope you get to feeling better soon.
    Helpful (1)
    classyT's Avatar
    classyT Posts: 1,477, Reputation: 207
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    #5

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:22 AM

    I don't want to sound unkind because when I read this, I felt your pain and hurt. BUT... you have to stop being the victim. NEVER let anyone slap you. Never let anyone mistreat you. You can't make people love you, but you can make sure they don't hurt you... emotionally or physically. You have the power to change only YOU. They both owe you an apology to say the least and frankly I'd kick their hinney's OUT and tell them NOT to come back until they can treat you with the respect you deserve. You are their mother for heaven sakes. It would be a cold day in hell before I did another thing for either of them. This situation didn't happen over night. They have apparently been able to treat you poorly before. AND for the LOVE please don't cry in front of them, that only makes them feel more in control. They are spoiled adult brats. Put your back bone in, get some pride back and NEVER let anyone mistreat you. I'm sorry you won't get to see your son for a long time but under the circumstances... it is for the best.

    Narishkas, if you hear NOTHING else I am saying please hear this... you are in control of YOUR emotions and you are NOT a victim. Life sometimes sucks big time. It would be wonderful if your children treated you with the respect on honor that any child should, but they aren't going to until you respect yourself. If you never have a relationship with them, then that is THEIR choice. Let them know how they will be treating you from now on and if they can't do it... cut them off. It is THEIR loss and one day they will know it.

    Sorry your christmas and new year was crappy but don't let another day go by letting anyone treat you badly. You deserve better... believe it, and ACT like it. I promise the day you change... they will too!
    Helpful (2)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 75,733, Reputation: 7219
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    #6

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:25 AM



    Let me see, you tell daughter off, you should have stopped her driving, told her to stop smoking in the car and don't bother being around you if she has to smoke ( not good for your health) you remember who the mother is, and tell them so.

    Tell daughter if she can't respect you, not to bother coming back over.

    Sounds like she was the issue not the son
    Helpful (1)
    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:37 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by adam_89 View Post
    You need to step up and make them respect you. They should respect you enough just for the fact that you raised them on your own. You need to put them in their place and make sure they know you are still their mother. You aren't helping them realize how messed up they are. You are helping them walk all over you. You need to call a little family meeting and discuss with them how you feel and that they need to respect you more or you will have nothing to do with little brats. You keep hurting yourself more than anything.
    Thank you for your understanding reply. I have stayed away from my daughter, she lives next door. I did tried to talk to my son about the principles he was brought up with and how he needs to stand up to them... he simply made the comment he's only home for 6 more days. I'm going to the doctor again Monday... trying to feel better so I have the energy to talk to them.
    Helpful
    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #8

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    I can feel how awful that must be for you, I am so sorry this visit has not gone well.

    You probably would have been further ahead to just stay home, but obviously they were not treating you well by any stretch regardless.

    That she slapped you is so totally over the line and to not show remorse or apologize is unbelieveable to me.

    To add insult to injury you were unable, as much as you wanted to, to keep up with them because you are not well.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you.

    All you can do now is not expect much more from them. They are selfish and disrespectful to say the least.

    When the dust settles after this visit, I would be inclined to send them an email, detailing what you have here, and how it made you feel. Tell him what you expect for the next visit, and set some expectations.

    I would hope they would be mortified by their own behaviour, but if they are the type of people to treat you like this in the first place, likely they won't feel a thing.

    But, by setting some boundaries and expectations, clearly, you will at least have some control next time.

    Good luck to you.
    I really appreciate your kindness and understanding. I'm not expecting much from them... I 'm just so disappointed... we've always been close, but my daughter always wants to fight... I hate fighting... she is way over the top... I had talked to her about making this a nice time before my son came home... she probably chose to do this purposely... so she could have her brother all to herself...

    I don't think they do feel any remorse... I think they believe I'm faking being sick... ( I wish ) I'm just laying low and trying to deal with how sad this all makes me... and I've made a list of goals for myself and my future... without them

    The first is getting well
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    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:47 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sabrewolfe View Post
    Yeah, I got some advice, kick these little disrespectful, ignorant kids out of your house! They're not adults, but spoiled little children. You are their mother, and deserve to be treated with respect! Throw the bums out and tell them to never return.
    I could never treat my mother that way. Your kids have alot of growing up to do. Teach them a lesson by kicking them out of your life sweety.
    I hope you get to feeling better soon.

    I wish I could do what you're asking... my daughter doesn't live here... she lives next door... she's renting a trailor I own... my son is staying here (my house) some nights and some during the day... he treats me fine when his sister is not around...

    I would kick her out, but she has a son... and that would mean I have to kick out my grandson... I can't do that... but my plan is to put the house and trailor on the market... I need some distance!!

    Thanks for caring... I'm going to the doctor Monday... I know I could cope better it I felt better physically.
    Helpful
    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #10

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by classyT View Post
    I don't want to sound unkind because when I read this, i felt your pain and hurt. BUT...you have to stop being the victim. NEVER let anyone slap you. Never let anyone mistreat you. You can't make people love you, but you can make sure they don't hurt you... emotionally or physically. You have the power to change only YOU. They both owe you an apology to say the least and frankly I'd kick their hinney's OUT and tell them NOT to come back until they can treat you with the respect you deserve. You are their mother for heaven sakes. It would be a cold day in hell before I did another thing for either of them. This situation didn't happen over night. They have apparently been able to treat you poorly before. AND for the LOVE please don't cry in front of them, that only makes them feel more in control. They are spoiled adult brats. Put your back bone in, get some pride back and NEVER let anyone mistreat you. I'm sorry you won't get to see your son for a long time but under the circumstances...it is for the best.

    Narishkas, if you hear NOTHING else I am saying please hear this.....you are in control of YOUR emotions and you are NOT a victim. Life sometimes sucks big time. It would be wonderful if your children treated you with the respect on honor that any child should, but they aren't going to until you respect yourself. If you never have a relationship with them, then that is THEIR choice. Let them know how they will be treating you from now on and if they can't do it...cut them off. It is THEIR loss and one day they will know it.

    sorry your christmas and new year was crappy but don't let another day go by letting anyone treat you badly. You deserve better...believe it, and ACT like it. I promise the day you change......they will too!
    Thanks for your advice. I know exactly what you are saying... I was abused as a child... as a wife... and now by my children... I'm going to need some help with this and I promise you I will get it... I have cut off with my daughter... my son will be gone in 6 days... this will all be behind me and I've got a lot of work to do!!
    Helpful

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