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    How can a loving adult daughter now hate her Mother ?

    Asked Apr 5, 2008, 09:15 AM 13 Answers
    I have another post, Adult daughter refuses to speak to her mother. Well I never did share the story behind the silent treatment. Bear with me this may be rather long.
    I was married for 18 years to an alcoholic / wifebeater / bi-polar / drug adduct / cheat / deadbeat.
    It was my 2nd marriage, I was raised by 2 loving parents, catholic . I has very determined to make this second marriage work as I felt I shamed my parents by divorcing previously. I didn't know this man had all the problems he has, he did really well at keeping everything in the closet. The courtship was swift, we were married with in 3 months. I have a young son at the time, he was 2 from the 1st marriage. It was only a week and the honeymoon was over, he was high & drunk, and the house toreup, everything I had broken & destroyed. The voice in my head said, " close the door behind you & never look back " Then I could hear my mother's voice say, " You made your bed, now lay in it. " I stayed, thinking behind every good man stands a good woman!! 3 years later my daughter arrived, the day after Christmas, The best belated Christmas gift ever. 15 months later, she had a baby brother. The abuse and turmoil continued. My 3 children, grew up in a very disfunctional family. I was always the rock, the glue that held it all together. I was now a Mom & Dad, as you can gather, my husband was having a good time, or taking a vacation at the county jail, quit often. Well 12 years went by, after a long stay in the pokey, for wifebattering, he left,2 weeks before Christmas, left with all my savings. We were penniless, and homeless. The church and my mother stepped in and helped me get on my feet. My Daughter was 13, and she really started to become a wild thing. When she was younger she wanted to do beauty pageants, it was our escape, mother & daughter time. Now she was smoking pot, skipping school, and God knows what ! I loved her regardless of her many mistakes. I shall name some, age 13 called to school over nude photos being passed around of her. New school, go to hospital daughter drunk at 8:00 am. Get an abortion at 14. Baker acted her at 15 for trying to punch hand through plate glass window. Quit school at 16. Didn't want to work, I have been a struggling single mom, with out a penny in child support, he ducked out on that, always working under table! My daughter told me I don't have to work, you have to support me until I'm 18. At 20 I told her to move in with her jobless boyfriend, I needed a brake. I moved to Nashville for 2 years. She told everyone I abanded her. She got a job quick after that. I moved back cause I really missed all my children. We always remained close, I loved her through everything. 5 year later she left a job waitressing at the same restaurant I was working, to start stripping, she needed more money, my heart sank, still I supported her, she met MR. WONDERFUL at the strip club, he's 10 years older then her, has a union job, and showdered her with $$$$$ . I liked him from all the other guys she had been with. Well MR Big Spender got laid off and they were evicted, I had them move in with me. He got back to work, helped with the bills all is well, until he failed a drug test, laid off from union job until drug rehab requirements met. That's when he became Mr. HEAD. He called the cops on a guy I was seeing, and became ugly with me. And that was that, I told my daughter he had to go, she could stay but he was OUT. Well here is the end of the story, They Moved out in June of 07 and she refuses to speak to me. She has talked to the dead beat Dad, taken him to dinners,etc. etc. No Christmas wishes, No Happy Birthday Mom. Now Mother's Day is up and coming. I have tried to communicate with her by leaving e-mails , cards, telling her brother to talk with her. Just last week my 86 year old mother called her as she has not even talked to her too. When the dead beat dad moved out if it wasn't for my mom's and the churches help she might have ended up on the street. She didn't want to even visit her old Grandma!This is the thanks I get for everything. I know it's her boyfriend's controlling and pulling the puppets strings. I thought I raised her better then that, raised her to be loving sole and to think for herself. This control freak has her under HIS thumb, Iv'e seen him drunk and toss my little 100 lb daughter around like a rag doll, Iv'e seen the bruises! I guess $$$$ is thicker then a Mother's love.

    Last edited by Beach Ladybug; Apr 5, 2008 at 01:53 PM.
    A Daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyfull moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future.

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    13 Answers
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,839, Reputation: 2034
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    #2

    Apr 5, 2008, 09:50 AM
    SOUNDS MUCH like my past 20 years...
    I was married for 10 years to an alcoholic / wife abuser / bi-polar / drug adduct / cheat / deadbeat.
    It was my 1st marriage, I was raised 2 parent family. I was very determined to make my marriage work as back then divorce was a shame thing. I didn't know this man had all the problems he has, he did really well at keeping everything in the closet. The courtship was swift, we were married with in 18 months. It was only a week and the honeymoon was over, he was high & drunk. The voice in my head said, " close the door behind you & never look back " Then I could hear my mother's voice say, " You made your bed, now lay in it. " I stayed, thinking behind every good man stands a good woman!! I had 4 kids always having faith things would get better. The neglect and turmoil continued. My 4 children, grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I was always the rock, the glue that held it all together. I was now a Mom & Dad, as you can gather, my husband was having a good time, or taking a vacation with his buddies weeks at a time and quit often. Well 12 years went by and he left with vehicle and my money. I have been a struggling single mom, with out a penny in child support, he ducked out on that, always working under table! My one son started acting up and I could not hold things together since I had to spend entire days restraining him. By the time my one daughter was 13, and she really started to become a wild thing. Now she was skipping school and God knows what ! I loved her regardless of her many mistakes. I shall name some, age 13 sneaking out of house in the middle of night and hanging out with friends until 6 am. Quit school at 16. At 18 she moved with her dad. She told everyone I abandoned her and she raised herself her entire life.

    Fortunately all four of my kids are doing good and love me and it saddens me when I hear of daughters and sons that hold grudges against their mother for the past because they are not seeing things from your perspective and have not walked in your shoes to know what you went through just to get them where they are today. The sacrifices and struggles you went through just to feed and cloth them.
    The only thing that I know that works is trying to communicate and let them know your door is open and you have no hard feelings... you are there for them
    And time... time for them to grow up and realize life doesn't happen as easily as a little girls dreams of what perfect life with the picket fence and knight in shining armor images they grew up thinking you should have lived out for them.
    Now that she is an adult and sees life isn't all that simple hopefully it will start to dawn on her that you did the best you could with what you had.
    Helpful (1)
    Beach Ladybug's Avatar
    Beach Ladybug Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Apr 5, 2008, 02:08 PM
    Dear Nohelp4u,
    Thank you for your support, It is something, that you endured the same treatment as I. I thought I was the only Mother, to be abandoned by a child. I wish I could reason to WHY I'm being treated this way by her. I could see it if I was an horrorable Mother. If I was a druggie or drunk or lazy slacker. I worked worked & worked to make sure she had a roof over her head. Clothes on her back. Food in her mouth. Loved her unconditional so deeply. Now I feel like a horrorable low life. God knows and that is my only comfort.
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    twinkiedooter's Avatar
    twinkiedooter Posts: 12,172, Reputation: 1054
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    #4

    Apr 6, 2008, 04:33 PM
    Ladybug - You have been through quite a lot in your life but you need to remember one thing - it's you and your life choices that you made to get you where you are today. Your daughter is probably headed down the same hard path that you took. It's just going to take her some time to get there if she's hooked up with the kind of guy like you described. Like I said in my previous answer to you... she is just going to have to see for herself that you made the choices you made for her benefit. It may take her many years to see this but in the meantime please keep your door open and your phone connected so she can call or come back and visit. Don't get too wrapped up about Mother's Day either just yet. She is still in her rebellious mode of thinking right now from what you've said and I sincerely doubt she will be doing much for you on Mother's Day. I would suggest that you enjoy the day basking in the full knowledge that you did your very best with what little you had to work with. She'll come around eventually. It may be a long wait, but you'll still be there with open arms waiting for her return.
    Helpful (1)
    ldyastrid's Avatar
    ldyastrid Posts: 82, Reputation: 12
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Apr 7, 2008, 08:33 AM
    I know the pain in your heart is intense, take comfort in the knowledge that your love is unconditional for HER... not her choices she makes in actions or men. It's very possible she is staying away from you because she knows you disapprove of her choices... and at the same time, knowing you are right. She may be more like you than you realize - that can make the relationship hard too. She wants to stick with this guy to prove that she will stick it out... she needed more money and took a stripping job - apparently there's quite the chunk of change in that job - she's learning what it takes to support herself - some day, if she hasn't already, she will think about the sacrifices you made to support yourself AND children.

    You may never get the apology that you deserve... but she will come back. Continue to let her know you love her and you are there when she needs you... eventually the phone will ring or the knock will come at the door...

    Believe me... she WILL be thinking about you on Mother's Day - hopefully she'll act on it, but if she doesn't - know that she's thinking about you and for that day, let it be enough.

    Hang strong and keep your chin up... be proud of who you are, what you've come through, and the lessons you taught your children - they will remember them - trust me!
    Helpful (1)
    Beach Ladybug's Avatar
    Beach Ladybug Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 8, 2008, 06:18 PM
    Dear Friends,
    Thank you all for the your heart felt thoughts and words of encouragement. At this time of my sadness it means more to me then you will ever know! I am so grateful to have come upon this site.
    Mother's Day is a day of joy and also sadness. The only dear wonderful man that I adored, my deceased Father, died on Mothers Day, 14 years ago. So to me after his courageous battle with cancer, he couldn't have picked a better day to go to heaven. To be with his Mother!
    I am proud of the Mother that I am. I've made my mistakes along the way and was a big enough person to admit to them. I have a clear conscious that I did the best at being a good and loving Mother and friend to my children.
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    oneguyinohio's Avatar
    oneguyinohio Posts: 1,302, Reputation: 196
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    #7

    Apr 8, 2008, 06:43 PM
    Well, I think the other posters have done a good job in responding. I am not a female, and have had the good fortune to not have those situations to deal with. My mom has had to deal with a portion of it. My father is an alcoholic, but had some sense pounded into him by his older alcoholic brother... from the way I hear the story. Seemed the older brother scared my dad into straitening his act up, even though the older brother never got his own life together.

    At any rate, I think there is often a different dynamic between mother and daughter in such cases, and the daughter might be thinking that the guy will change, or she likes the male attention, possibly due to the missing father figure... Right now, she sees you as a threat to those relationships, as if she has to choose sides.

    I don't want to sound like you are in any way doing anything wrong. You have been there, and can see the world from your perspective. It isn't pretty, but your daughter's perspective is coming from her own experiences. I think once she figures out that she can have everyone in her life, if she chooses, then she won't feel the need to alienate you. It may be hard for her right now, because the boyfriend and father are in her social cirle and being close to you might be too challenging for her, especially if she is winning approval from them by siding against you.

    It is truly her loss, but you'll have to wait it out until she is ready to recognize the fact, and don't hold any grudges for her slights against you in the meantime. I know it hurts, but from what you've said, I think you are loving her unconditionally. She just doesn't realize how to do that yet.
    Helpful (1)
    twinkiedooter's Avatar
    twinkiedooter Posts: 12,172, Reputation: 1054
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    #8

    Apr 8, 2008, 06:43 PM
    My mother has been gone 10 years now and of course I still miss her dearly. My sister was a rotten daughter who didn't speak to her for sometimes years at a time. My mother suffered quite a lot from it as she was a very sensitive person and beat herself up over it many times. I tried to make up for my sister and the way she treated mom, but I know there was always a hole in mom's heart that never healed up. I cherished the last few years I had with her while she lived in my home with my family and me. There was one time during our entire life together as mother/daughter that I got truly upset with her and didn't speak to her for about 6 months. I then came to my senses and contacted her. Through that whole entire time I was rebellious (I was about 24 or 25 at the time) she never showed me any anger or hurt - just unconditional love and her wonderful warmth. I came around when I saw it was ME who had the problem. We spent many happy years together after I finally came to my senses. My sister never did truly make up with mom. When mom died and she found out about it, she called me and told me that before mom died she had revealed to my sister that she had left me "well off". Well, my mom had the last laugh on my greedy sister. My mother died with a prepaid funeral and left me her love and not a dime financially. Boy was my sister mad that I was not rolling in money like she thought I was. I still have to smile when I think of mom having a last laugh on her that way. I guess mom finally got over my sister after all.

    Beach dear, please remember that you can never figure out just what another person thinks or what goes on in their head. Right now your daughter is thinking too much about her, her, her. When and if she has her own children she will definitely rethink her feelings about you. You are a very patient and kind lady and somehow this situation has been thrown at you and you are dealing with it pretty well considering. Remember, God only gives us situations that he thinks we can handle (sometimes with his help). Dry your tears and smile as you know the future will be here soon and so will your daughter.
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    Beach Ladybug's Avatar
    Beach Ladybug Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    May 1, 2008, 12:07 PM
    I have taken some of your advises, and tried to make contact with my daughter, only to have my heart shattered again. My daughter was away ( out of the country ) with the boyfriend for the past 5 months. She returned for a short stay, she kept in contact with her younger brother and the father that skipped out on all of us ! Well my 87 yr. old mother has been very ill, so I told her brother that it would be nice if she contacted her Grandmother, which she didn't! I also had sent with her brother a few lovely cards to let her know that I love and miss her very much. The next day while visiting my son, there where the cards in the trash can. He said my daughter had a message for me. Stop waisting my money on Halmarks because that will go in the trash. It is so hard to believe that this loving girl has turned so cold hearted on her Mother. She has now left town again with him, as his job takes him to other states. What should I do ? Should I keep trying or is this hopeless??
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    maryanne's Avatar
    maryanne Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #10

    May 5, 2008, 07:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Beach Ladybug
    I have another post, Adult daughter refuses to speak to her mother. Well I never did share the story behind the silent treatment. Bear with me this may be rather long.
    I was married for 18 years to an alcoholic / wifebeater / bi-polar / drug adduct / cheat / deadbeat.
    It was my 2nd marriage, I was raised by 2 loving parents, catholic . I has very determined to make this second marriage work as I felt I shamed my parents by divorcing previously. I didn't know this man had all the problems he has, he did really well at keeping everything in the closet. The courtship was swift, we were married with in 3 months. I have a young son at the time, he was 2 from the 1st marriage. It was only a week and the honeymoon was over, he was high & drunk, and the house toreup, everything I had broken & destroyed. The voice in my head said, " close the door behind you & never look back " Then I could hear my mother's voice say, " You made your bed, now lay in it. " I stayed, thinking behind every good man stands a good woman!!! 3 years later my daughter arrived, the day after Christmas, The best belated Christmas gift ever. 15 months later, she had a baby brother. The abuse and turmoil continued. My 3 children, grew up in a very disfunctional family. I was always the rock, the glue that held it all together. I was now a Mom & Dad, as you can gather, my husband was having a good time, or taking a vacation at the county jail, quit often. well 12 years went by, after a long stay in the pokey, for wifebattering, he left,2 weeks before Christmas, left with all my savings. We were penniless, and homeless. The church and my mother stepped in and helped me get on my feet. My Daughter was 13, and she really started to become a wild thing. When she was younger she wanted to do beauty pageants, it was our escape, mother & daughter time. Now she was smoking pot, skipping school, and God knows what ! I loved her regardless of her many mistakes. I shall name some, age 13 called to school over nude photos being passed around of her. New school, go to hospital daughter drunk at 8:00 am. Get an abortion at 14. Baker acted her at 15 for trying to punch hand through plate glass window. Quit school at 16. Didn't want to work, I have been a struggling single mom, with out a penny in child support, he ducked out on that, always working under table !! My daughter told me I don't have to work, you have to support me until I'm 18. At 20 I told her to move in with her jobless boyfriend, I needed a brake. I moved to Nashville for 2 years. She told everyone I abanded her. She got a job quick after that. , I moved back cause I really missed all my children. We always remained close, I loved her through everything. 5 year later she left a job waitressing at the same restaurant I was working, to start stripping, she needed more money, my heart sank, still I supported her, she met MR. WONDERFUL at the strip club, he's 10 years older then her, has a union job, and showdered her with $$$$$ . I liked him from all the other guys she had been with. Well MR Big Spender got layed off and they were evicted, I had them move in with me. He got back to work, helped with the bills all is well, until he failed a drug test, layed off from union job until drug rehab requirements met. Thats when he became Mr. HEAD. He called the cops on a guy I was seeing, and became ugly with me. And that was that, I told my daughter he had to go, she could stay but he was OUT. Well here is the end of the story, They Moved out in June of 07 and she refuses to speak to me. She has talked to the dead beat Dad, taken him to dinners,ect. ect. No Christmas wishes, No Happy Birthday Mom. Now Mother's Day is up and comming. I have tryed to communicate with her by leaving e-mails , cards, telling her brother to talk with her. Just last week my 86 year old mother called her as she has not even talked to her too. When the dead beat dad moved out if it wasn't for my mom's and the churches help she might have ended up on the street. She didn't want to even visit her old Grandma!This is the thanks I get for everything. I know it's her boyfriend's controlling and pulling the puppets strings. I thought I raised her better then that, raised her to be loving sole and to think for herself. This control freak has her under HIS thumb, Iv'e seen him drunk and toss my little 100 lb daughter around like a rag doll, Iv'e seen the bruises !! I guess $$$$ is thicker then a Mother's love.
    Wow beach ladybug I found this website by accident after crying with my bedroom door shut. There are so many of us who have experienced the same or similar relationshipos and hurts. How can our adult children turn on us when we have been their rocks and helped them to grow up safe only to have them turn on us like a pack of dogs. I live with my daughter. I moved in with her last year 400 kilometres away from my grandchildren who I cared for from day one because their mother didn't want them. They are my sons children. He is a good father don't get me wrong but he works hard. My husband (ex) couldn't even keep our marital home clearn and tidy and I drove home every second weekend spending the time cleaning the house. Four hours in the car there and back 8 hours total. Christmas time I went there and went out on the second night with a friend who I've known for 35 years. ON the way home my ex messaged my mobile and told me if I stepped foot in the door he'd kill me. So I went to a motel. He also kicked my daughters dogs she arrived after me. On Christmas eve in the day I returned to my daughters house 400 km away and spent Christmas alone having baked beans for Christmas dinner. My daughter drove up as well and took her dogs. I minded her dogs she returned to my then marital house. I have not been back there since five months. I want a divorce but I"m afraid to break the cycle I've endured for 30 years. I am afraid to put my oldest daughter who also hates me out on the street and force the sale of the house. My grandchildren would not have a safe haven and my ex is a good grandfather better than he was a father. My daughter I live with for some reason gives me the cold shoulder, talks down to me in front of people and her friends and makes me look like dirt. I am a professional and so is she and she is the rudest person on earth exactly like her father. We have another person living with us now and I am not even allowed to sit i nthe lounge with them when they watch TV I dont eat at home anymore, and I stay at a friends most nights. When I"m at my daughters I stay in my room with my door shut and sneak out to go to the toilet. I sneak off in the mornings early to shower at my friends house because I'm afriad to use anything in the house. Whay are our adult kids so horrible. I'm taking mine out of my will and they get nothing my grandkids will get it all.
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