My heart is shattered. My 30 year old son said he never wants to see or talk to me again. He has yelled and cursed at me to the top of his lungs telling me how horrible i am as a mother and a grandmother. He was always emotional as a child. in the last five years he has been horrible to me. When i asked why, he tells me to "Shut the F*** up', so I am afraid, he is unapproachable. He has NEVER been one to come over and visit. His sisters do with their children. Yes I have been to his home, but not enough , he says. He has joint custody of his children ( my grandchildren ) so I did not have them as often as my daughters children. He never calls only when he needs money, tho i have never said anything to him about that. He met a nice woman with a child and plans to marry her in august of this year. I am so heartbroken and depressed, I can't sleep, I cry all the time. My first son Died of S.I.D.S, and this son was a blessing and i love him so much. He has accused me of knowing of some very horrible things that supposedly went on when he was growing up. My daughters do not believe they are true, but they love me and their brother. I am beside myself with grief, it's as if he has died like my first son did. I have tried to find ways of letting him know how much i love him and the kids and his wife to be, but my calls and emails fall on deaf ear.
I don't know if i can go on. it hurts too much, it hurts thru my heart and soul. If there were any truth to what he has accused me of, i would confess and apologize and do whatever i had to do for my son. What is a mother to do? I can't funtion and I can't go on this way.

cozyk

This doesn't come from out of nowhere. If he accuses you of knowing of some horrible thing that went on while he was growing up, believe him. THINK HARD Was there ever a time when he could have been abused by someone. Either sexually or physically? Dad, step dad, coach, scout leader, or priest??? This is not the time for feeling sorry for yourself. This is the time to get to the bottom of this. Has he accused you of anything specific? I suggest that you go through a mental time line of his life and ask yourself what could have provided an opportunity for something to happen. I would be ticked if I had decided that my Mom was too blind to see that something was happening to me and she was "out to lunch" I smell hurt and resentment.

Good luck with this and get busy. BTW, I am very sorry to hear of your other son's death. I can see how that would make you even more desperate for a relationship with this son.. And...no matter what, don't allow your son to speak to you with such disrespect. As Dr. Phil says, You teach people how to treat you.

You can tell him you love him all day, but it won't mean anything until he knows you "get it". unfortunately for what ever reason, that hasn't happened yet. Why do your daughters not believe it is true? If that is not it, why else would he have such resentment for you? Did you treat your daughters differently from your son? I have a hard time believing you can't come up with any reasons and he just turned on you one day for no reason.

SeenItAll

Here is one possible reason this poor woman's son has turned on her: mental illness, such as bipolar disorder, personality disorder - the list goes on. Another could be that he has a sadistic streak. To blame her for the hurt her son is inflicting on her is irresponsible and short sighted. It is not in any way constructive.

To the mom: if I were in your shoes, and I may be soon, I would back off and give it time. Enjoy your daughters and their children. Let your son have his space and perhaps, when he sees that he isn't hurting you and isn't getting your attention, he might change his tune. One thing though - its a two way street. If he doesn't want you in his life, then he has no right to expect money from you. Please don't give him any more until he shows you the respect you deserve. You worked hard to raise him, and you do deserve better.

Here is my story: I also have a son who I love with all my heart and soul. Since the time he was very young he was able to get his way in every situation through temper tantrums. He has ADHD and an anger management problem. When he was little, he was a terror, destroying everything in his path. But he was so adorable, with the face of an angel. I never believed in spanking, and he was so young, so I would give him what he wanted. Well, my son grew up that way. Expecting everything he wanted, when he wanted it. Now he is 19, unemployed, and living at home while blaming me for his being miserable and not having as much money as he wants. He curses me constantly, tells me I'm poor, and that everything is my fault. I earn a decent living, but his father skipped out on us, so its just my income and my daughters' income. My daughter is fed up with picking up the slack for her spoiled brother, and I don't blame her. But guess who gets the heat? Me. I'm stressed and tired and old. And I can almost guarantee that my son will do the same thing to me that your son is doing to you once he finally leaves home. So what's my fault in all this? Just spoiling him when he was very young. That's all I did. He was never abused. Never had anything horrible happen to him. My guess is that your son might be a little spoiled to, and might also be looking for attention. Why else do this to you, while at the same time holding out his hand for money? Our children are responsible for their actions once they are adults. They can no longer place the responsibility on us. "honor thy mother and thy father" is a commandment. what ever happend to that?

N0help4u

My suggestion is he wants to cut the apron strings on you, show him it works both ways and cut the purse string on him. He only calls you when he wants something tell him N0 you don't see any point when he can not tell you what he is so upset about.
It is possible he has legitimate memories that he holds against you. That doesn't necessarily mean you are aware of what they are and for him to not be willing to discuss it sounds like he wants an excuse to hold a grudge. Often kids remember things differently than we do and they think we could have done something different than what we thought was a good decision. But kids growing up don't realize the issues leading up to the decisions and hold it against you.
I don't know the best way to get him to come around other than not being there for him at his convenience. That can work either extreme but you will have to explain that you don't see the use of trying to work something out when you have no idea what it is you have to fix.

peggyhill

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now. I think that one thing that might help you very much would be to talk to a counselor about this. It can help to have someone who is a professional to give you advice about dealing with this kind of stuff. Your doctor might be able to recommend someone to you.

I'm sorry to hear that your son won't listen to you when you tell him that you truly didn't know of bad things happening to him as a child. Tell him that you would be more than happy to listen and to help him find someone professional to talk to about those things. I think that's really all you can do as far as that goes. If you didn't know, you didn't know, and if you didn't know, it is not your fault. Sometimes when bad things happen, we want someone to blame that we can confront. Maybe your son is putting the blame on you, even though you didn't know, because he just wants to confront someone about it. Maybe he feels the need to lash out at someone because of the pain he is in. It is also possible that there could be mental illness as SeenItAll suggests. Encourage him to see a counselor to discuss those things he says have happened to him.

It's too bad he only calls when he wants money. That's such a shame. It sounds as if he might be a bit manipulative as well. It sounds to me like you are doing all you can to let him know that you love him and want to be in his life. I hope that he feels differently soon. I think you need a lot of support right now. Try to spend lots of time with your other children and see a counselor if possible. If that isn't possible, just talking with a good friend or a religious leader (if that applies to you) can help you feel better too. I hope things start looking up for you soon!

cozyk

I am sorry if I came off sounding so harsh. I really do feel for you. My 20 yr old daughter can be a bit thoughtless and mean at times to say the least. I, like you felt I went over board to make her life great, and I feel like she doesn't acknowledge or appreciate it. I wanted her childhood to and our relationship to be very close. My relationship with my mother sucks because "she doesn't get it". She never had time for me growing up because her focus was on her new husband, new son, we'll call him golden boy, (eleven yrs. my junior) and her new life. I was the baby sitter. maid, grass cutter, weed puller, garden picker,and wash, dry, fold, and iron girl. People say, that was then , this is now, get over it and most of the time I keep it in a healthy place. But...
it continues today the same way as it began in 1968. I had my 50th birthday on Jan. 13. Never heard from her. Got a card about a week late. Still haven't spoken to her. She doesn't have time for me, never has, and just has no concept that this might get to me. She thinks we are perfectly normal. We have had it out through the years and she just sarcastly says. "Oh I'm so sorry you had/have such a terrible life." What bothers me the most is SHE JUST ISN'T GETTING IT! That's when you can truly feel free to let it go.

In the mean time, I've got a pretty good life going, despite my low self esteem (If your Momma don't love you- who will? complex) . Golden Boy is 39 yrs. old and a BIG Looser. He married a troubled girl and had 2 kids right off the bat. My Mother has had legal custody since the kids were very young. They are teenagers now and all their lives they have been given her hell. Troubled wife eventually died of a drug overdose,and Golden Boy AND his kids stay in trouble with the law. Since 1968, it's ALWAYS BEEN SOMETHING, that caused me to be put on hold.

Anyway, I think I was having one of those "why can't you see what you have done and are doing to me periods" when I responded to your post. My response was skewed with this feeling of not being understood. I'm sorry for your situation and I pray that you first of all find a place of peace. Second, that your son will be able to articulate what is really bothering him. Sometimes, I think my daughter doesn't like herself, and she turns it on me because I am a safe target. I also believe she WANTS
me to stand up to her instead of take it. She respects me more. I know. easier said than done when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable. I hope things improve. Keep us posted.

anothersadmom

I'm sure this is one of the longest posts on here, for that I'm very sorry. But I hope that someone here can help me before I finally just give up.



To Original Poster, I so feel your pain and share your sleepless nights. My 34 year old son hates me as well, and honestly at this point that feeling has become mutual, or so it seems so in my heart right now.

His hatred has always been there, you moms who experience it, you know. Like when they force themselves to make the obligatory visit once or twice a year and you hug them good bye and you can feel how they tense up and more or less put their arm around you but the only thing that touches you is the hand as it lightly pats your back. His elbow is not relaxed and held stiff and pointing outward... you know what I mean, right?

If you asked him today why he hates me it would be because of things I've said to him over the last 6 months or so, but that would not really get to the heart of his hatred. It started long long ago I'm sure. I know it did, he's hugged me like that since he was about 13 years old.

He has a younger sister who is now 28 and just had her first baby, a little girl. I mention that because him and his second wife now have 4 boys, between 9 and 4 months, and the last two are here because they were trying for a girl.

I even get into this because they live a life style close to Donald Trump on a paupers wages, and I know they are in debt at least 1/2 a million dollars, taking lavish vacations 2 -3 times a years, buy boats, 3-4 motorcycles, huge SUV's, etc. For some reason, nothing is ever enough, not one thing.
(what I can't figure out is how they are making enough money to even make payments on all of this, so I expect to see their mug shots on the local news any evening)

His spending and behavior toward me increased big time when his sister became pregnant. Still at this point he wasn't as bad as he became as his sister's pregnancy marched on. Then a week after his #3 son had turned one, and 3 weeks after his sister found out she was having a little girl he called to tell me they were pregnant again.

When his sister found out it kinda hurt her for a moment cause she felt like he was trying to steel her thunder, her words. Which I understood. Son had my complete undivided grandmotherly attention for 8 years and I guess it really was his sisters turn. However my grandmothering for son involved driving about 30 minutes each way to transfer children when he and his wifes work schedule conflicted, and a couple hours in the after noon on Thanksgiving. And being invited to his home on each of the boys birthday's throughout the years.

Anyway for the first couple of months while son was pregnant with #4 things improved, talking more on the phone etc. Then son and wife had ultrasound and found they were having another boy! Up until that point he had talked about how the two little girl cousins could be so close etc. (guess he thinks cousins must be of same sex to be close).

Things went downhill fast at that point, all but his debt and it increased drastically. He bought a new huge boats, and camper trailer. (I thought you could only pull on thing at a time, and we all live 3 hours from any kind of water/camping playground. Also about that time they booked spring break at Disney World, flying themselves and the three boys down. Got home, then started the boating and camping thing, never eating at home, hired a house keeper, and were constantly going somewhere and needing to leave 1, 2 or all 3 boys with whatever grandparent would take them. Most of the time I'd take the two little ones and his wife's grandmother would take the oldest.

At this point I'm knowing they do not have this kind of money, he owned a used car lot and she worked about 3 days a week. (as you can see they had way too much time on their hands, if they could go like they were going)

It's about this time I finally had to stop doing all this babysitting for them to go, it was wearing me out, plus ticking me off in a way cause other than child transfer time, I didn't see any of them and like many of you know, the only time they called was when they needed a babysitter. But in his case I would also get the what I call, "I gotta" phone call. If it wasn't about babysitting, it was to tell me some new something he got, did, or was planning on doing, and not a word about me, his grandmother, how we were that type of thing. Just all about him.

I honestly got to the point I felt like I was enabling their spending addiction by babysitting, so I retired from that. Now that is when he really got verbal! He told me that in the next year I would give more attention to his sister's one little girl, than all of his boys for the rest of their entire lives, those were his exact words.

I've gotten into enough detail already to cause any readers to fall asleep but I will add that when he and I were talking via email about all of this, I got an email from his wife and pretty it was NOT!

Now my son and I had exchanged some pretty harsh emails but nothing that would or should have caused her to jump in here to the extent she injected herself.

However it was at this point, that really brought to the forefront his deep hatred of me. In her email that went on for pages, she recounted every mistake I had ever made, some I hadn't but son and lead her to believe I had, etc. Some events he left out much detail in order to paint me, his mom in as bad a light as possible. I have to tell you that letter jabbed me so hard, hurt me so bad, that I considered taking my own life to escape the pain.

This is son's second wife, and he turned his first wife against me as well with tales, many that would make Grime's Brothers sound like the gospel truth. But his first wife and I sat and talked one day and she found that I wasn't the monster my son wanted her to believe that I was. (not that a halo is over my head, but I love my children, both of them, and I've seen much worse parents than me!) Until his first wife and I talked I could always feel tension when they came for the holidays and never really knew why. I tried to treat her very nice, in fact I really liked her, but you could tell she didn't take to me at all, until after out chat. And when they divorced I was really sad to have her leave our family.

Second wife and I never had a chance to have that chat. Son kept us at a distance. In fact they had been married 7 years and I had never spoke with her one the phone. When I called the house, if he wasn't home, she wouldn't answer. If they needed a sitter and I was going to meet her to pick up one or two of the boys, he made all the calls, which I thought was a waste, why couldn't her and I make the arrangements.

I never did understand why a son would actually set up a situation where he wants his wife (first, second, or third if that ever be the case) to hate his mom???

Why would a son do that? What is he not getting, or needing? Or is it part of his hatred toward me, so he wants to make sure his wife hates me as well. Misery loves company. However, I wasn't so evil that I wasn't good enough to babysit for them, sometimes a week or so at a time if they were off in Aruba or something.

This past Christmas I send a gift card inside a Christmas card and wished all a Merry Christmas and told son to use this to get the boys some of their Santa. Well, he took that gift card and bought wheels and tires for a race car he's building. (I know this cause I still have my contacts, our family is pretty small) Another thing I just couldn't understand.

How could he take money from his boys and spend it on himself?

During some of our email exchanges over the past few months if he thought he had a good argument so to speak on what we were discussing, he would forward them to his sister. He could have cared less she was just home with a brand new baby, and trying to learn about motherhood for the first time.

In one email, he invited her to one of the grandchildren's birthday pool party, (she was out of the hospital 1 week). He had never invited her before in all these years. So I figure is wasn't so much an invite for her, but a NOT invite for me, right?

In one email he started going on defending his position (whatever that was for the moment) and said "You know what all you and I (speaking to his sister) when through growing up. This confused his sister and she asked him, "Did we have the same mom?"

I saw this as trying to drag his sister over to his "hateon" for mom. It didn't work.

So what is up with that?

Back in Jan he sent his sister an email telling her, "Mom is no longer an option for me, and you and her are a package"!

WHAT! Again, why would he do that?

A couple of weeks ago, his sister reached out to him with an email, even after his last remark. When he replied, again the email was about him and his, and hardly mentioned his new niece who is now 7 months old and he's only saw once, the day she came home from the hospital. (No, they don't live light years from each other, just about 30 miles). Nor did he ask how I was (I've not spoken to him since just after Christmas), nor how his elderly grandmother is, or anything like that, just more conversation about him buying this or doing that.

His sister emailed him back and said since she no longer was working, that she would live to set a time to come up and see her brother and her nephews. He never responded. Something tells me that is a good thing, cause his sister is going to expect him to ooo and goo over her daughter and I just can't see him doing that. (it would be about him and his)

Right?

My heart is breaking. My heart is hurt. And I just don't understand it all. I've pretty much banned his name from being mentioned in my house, cause to talk about it brings the pain to the forefront and takes days for the tears to finally stop flowing.

I've not seen my grandson's since last June. Son's wife in her email to me said I would never see "her" children as long as she was alive. (I first thought she was asking me to come cut her throat, but my dear husband explained it more clearly to me...lol)

Sunday my daughter was up visiting, and his name came up and sent me into a crying dying spiral once again, and once again the pain in my heart brought my mind to a place that scares me.

Monday I got up and made an appointment to see a counselor to see if he can help me reconcile this in my mind enough to where I can shut the door and leave it shut.

I'm wondering why he hates me, or thinks I'm such a bad person? Did he pick up on the beatings I got from his father before we divorced when son was 5 years old. Did he see all my bruises, fat lips, finger marks on my neck and figure I must be bad since I was getting punishment. And you only get punished if you are bad right? Could it have started there? Did I ever stand a chance?

I remember once when son was about 4 years old, I barely bumped a post with his dad's car and this four year old little boy said,"I'm telling daddy and you are going to be in big trouble". Did he hate me that far back? Why would he want his mom to be in trouble?

catherinetodd

Dear anothersadmom,

Your situation sounds very similar to my own, although my own son - thank God - does not have any children (yet). What I am having to do, is realize, once again, over and over, that my son is an alcoholic and may also suffer from some kind of mental affliction. He has had anger issues all his life, just like my father (and mother). I react to my son the same way I reacted to my parents, that somehow it must be "my fault." Perfect adult child of alcoholic and codependent thinking.

For now, and for many years, my son has not communicated with me except when he wanted something. He was such a master manipulator, all it took was a little card or small gift and an "I love you Mom" for me to pull out the checkbook and mail a check. Guaranteed! What a joke. He must have gotten a good laugh out of that... all those years, with me footing so many bills and offering to, so he could (as soon as he had cashed the check) throw it back in my face: "I never asked you for ANYTHING!"

As a single mother, looking back, I must have spoiled him rotten. He was also an only child, so he never learned to share or do anything for anyone else. It was always a battle just to get him to do his regular chores. I stayed single for a very long time as I was always afraid that any man I might marry would beat my child as I had been beaten by my own father. This realization only came to me last night. I cried myself to sleep with this.

So, what this all comes down to, at least for me, is that I must learn how to live FOR MY SELF. Yes, "selfish" as that may seem to sound (at least to ears like mine), I HAVE TO COME FIRST at this point in time. If my son has so little regard and respect for me, then he can go his own way. Honestly, as a test, I refused to allow myself to send him any money or "apologies" (for what, he would of course never say) or "make nice" emails. When I have slipped up and allowed myself to contact him, he normally will use this opening of the door as an opportunity to attack me all over again. Therefore, IT MUST BE ME THAT CUTS HIM OUT OF MY LIFE. For my own sanity, to save myself.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life, it seems now when I "review the facts." I have had very good reasons for this depression, but I have to admit that it's there. I also know that mental illness runs in my family. High intelligence also, but mental illness none the less. It is not easy to admit to any of this, or to the fact that my son hates me - always has and probably always will - but if God cursed me for my "sins" I don't know what they are. The only "sin" I can find is one of believing the malicious things other people say about me, when they have their own agendas in mind.

Therefore the only course I see open to myself is to really "learn how to pray." Pray for Peace, pray for God to grant me the Gift of Forgiveness, and for God to grant us the vision of mercy and compassion, so that I can practice what I wish to receive. Dear God, please show me the way.

That is my hope and my prayer for us all. I will have to learn how to be that which I wish others to be towards me. I haven't the foggiest notion as to how to begin, but with a devil for a tormentor (even in the guise of my son), I have to admit that this is one of the "greatest teachers" around. If I can learn to distance myself from his rages, and treat him as one would an abusive husband, and sever all ties; "love him from a distance" and protect and care for myself, then all will be well. It's really about ME LEARNING TO TREAT MYSELF WELL. That's it in a nutshell.

How did I practice? Well, this will make you laugh: Whenever I would get the urge to send him a check and a little note "to make nice," I would instead go out and buy myself something! That's how I got this wonderful new laptop that I am writing this on. Finally, I could afford something for myself!

As long as I don't slip up and have "contact," which has once again proven to be TOXIC, I am fine. It takes me days to recover, as you said happens to you, and I'm in the throes right now, but I look at it like "playing with snakes" and once again I got bit by a rattlesnake.

His drinking is not my problem, I don't drink. But it runs in my family and I have to accept that we all make our own choices to take care of ourselves, or to not. So I have to learn to care for myself, and give myself everything that was missing from my own childhood. Melody Beattie has a lot of wonderful books about codependency, they have helped me immensely. I hope they can help you, too. That and Al-Anon. I wish there were meetings near me, but thank goodness for the Internet!

Blessings to all, and let's help support each other. Thanks to everyone for posting. It's a long hard road, but once I learn how to pray and learn how to love (even from a distance) all will be well. I truly believe this and hope it becomes true for you as well. Until I came to this site, I thought "it was only me." Imagine my surprise to find out that there are lots of sons who are cruel and abusive... I guess that's how "the husbands" get that way. They must be born that way. Sad, isn't it? But it is NOT MY FAULT. They are responsible for their own behavior, especially once they are grown!

All I have to do is teach people, including my own son, "how to treat me." I wouldn't take abuse from anyone else in this world, so why take it from him? Alcoholism and addiction creates very self-centered personalities (or maybe they start out that way) and they are very manipulative, so softhearted or "guilty" people like me are easy prey. That's why I have to learn how to take care of myself and protect myself, and "just say no" to taking care of everyone else. I can take care of MYSELF. I give myself permission to do so! No one else is going to, that’s a fact. At least my self-centered son is certainly not going to.

I am a good person and worthy of more... in fact, I should always put myself "first on the list." This is my lesson, after a lifetime of "making lists" that never even had my name on them. And I was the one writing the list! Time for a change, and every step I take in the right direction feels so good. Now I want to have contact only with positive people in my life. The rest I can cut out, no matter who they are. Mother, brother, father, son, if they make me miserable I don't have to be around them.

Over and Out.

Dear God, please show us the way. Thank you God for all the things I do have to be grateful for, including this website. I need to remember "gratefulness" for what I do have, instead of don't, morning, noon and night. A wonderful website with a daily email you can sign up for is at gratefulness.org. It gives me a little lesson to remember each and every day.

Amen.


Yours, Catherine Todd

cozyk

Catherine, I LOVED your post. I'm so glad you came to this realization. I think it's a lesson that many of us should put into practice. Helen Reddy used to have a song that went like this...

That's why, I am a best friend to myself
And I take me out whenever I feel low
And I make my life as happy as a best friend would
I'm as nice to me as anyone I know

This is my own personal little "fight song"
I wish for everyone the most important valuable gift of all...peace of mind and spirit.

anothersadmom

Catherine:

That post was so inspirational and must have been heaven sent to me today. Your prayers worked, your requests to God were sent to me on this snowy morning.

I plan on printing your post and keeping it close by for those weak moments that come far too often.

When trying to talk about this with my daughter, husband (or whoever will listen) I have like you mentioned that there are a lot of rapists, child molesters, murderers, and s in this world and they all have mothers.

I was raised in an alcoholic home, and I forget (block out) the effects that had on me and how I'm conditioned to react to situations now. Thanks for reminding me of that.

You mentioned having problems getting your son to do his chores, I relate to that as well, I had trouble getting him to take a bath or brush his teeth.

I hate that I let him suck me into nasty verbal exchanges, at times I get as mean, nasty and hateful as he does. I know I'm provoked, but that is no excuse. I hear so many times people will say, "Who is the adult here" but dangit, at 34 years old, I'd say I'm no more adult than he is, right? I just carry a different adult title, mother, while his title is son.

Like you I was a single mom as well. But I had two children, and they could not have turned out any more differently. I let a man go, one who I loved deeply and always will to better serve my children's needs instead of my own. I did eventually marry, a couple of more time, and finally found a man who is a wonderful man and provider, but only after my son moved out of the house, he helped me finish raising my daughter and they love each other very much.

The main thing I have to pray for, remember, and keep in the forefront of my mind is I must STOP letting my son's actions, attacks, emotions, effect mine. Right now, if he's good, nice kind my mood is high, when he's being vindictive, ugly, and over bearing, my mood is low. This I must learn to stop. This must be residual emotions from being a child of an alcoholic.

My son isn't an alcoholic, but he has addictions, and the effects on family relations are just the same. His addiction is spending. For him, no matter what he has, cars, boats, children, junk, nothing is ever enough. Like an addict, no amount of the drug of choice feeds the hunger.

I don't understand why he treats the one person who would have been there for him when everyone else left him the worse. Now to the point I honestly can say I can't stand him. Nor would I want anyone to know, this person is my son. Isn't that the saddest thing ever, or close to it.

It is so hard to not and slip and make contact. So many times I've wanted to call or email and say I'm sorry, but I can't do it! I just can't do it. For me, this is one thing I can not do. It would open the door to more use and abuse, and in all honesty I'm not sorry for one thing. Even though I'm sure he thinks I should be "sorry" for many things.

Some of us here who have "son's who hate them" need to write a book, and I have the perfect title, that plays off another book title, our could be "Mothers and The Sons Who Hate Them.

You comment of the devil of a tormentor in the guise of a son, so rings in my head today. It is very true for me as well.

I have to learn to be that selfish person who throws their own life jacket to themselves. No one else can save me from this pain but my very own self! I must stop him from brainwashing me into believing it's me that is the devil in the guise of his mom.

When I am able to stake a stand for myself, how will I handle family situations? What about my grandson's birthday, do I send a card, do I not? If I do, will they get it, or will it go into the trash. If I don't send anything, will they be hurt, will they hear their father talking about what a terrible grandmother they have, she didn't even send a card?

What about the rare family gatherings, do I attend if he's going to be there, do I stay home and sulk. What about the relationship with his sister, if they get together and all my grandchildren are in one place at the same time, what do I do? Again, stay home and sulk or go and ignore my son, which one can't do without everyone at the event feeling the tension and ruining it for everyone. How do I stop all of this from being my fault as well?

Now that I'm trying to cut him out of my life completely aren't I going to make him right, when he said that I would give more attention to his sister's one daughter than all his boys total for the rest of their lives. I guess I would be fulfilling his own prophecy, right? Yet I can already hear the tongue lashing playing in my head that will come in the future.

After reading that statement above, I can clearly see how damaged I am over this. I'm already anticipating the drunken father coming home in a rage as a child.

His hatred toward me has pushed me to a very bad place on several occasions, almost to a point of no return. I have to remember that is more of his toxin, that is going to cheat my daughter, my grand daughter, my husband, my brother and sisters out of me.

Catherine, thank you for saving me today. I feel safer, more at ease, knowing Catherine Todd is right here.

God Bless you, God Bless Us, Everyone.

Debbie