My heart is shattered. My 30 year old son said he never wants to see or talk to me again. He has yelled and cursed at me to the top of his lungs telling me how horrible i am as a mother and a grandmother. He was always emotional as a child. in the last five years he has been horrible to me. When i asked why, he tells me to "Shut the F*** up', so I am afraid, he is unapproachable. He has NEVER been one to come over and visit. His sisters do with their children. Yes I have been to his home, but not enough , he says. He has joint custody of his children ( my grandchildren ) so I did not have them as often as my daughters children. He never calls only when he needs money, tho i have never said anything to him about that. He met a nice woman with a child and plans to marry her in august of this year. I am so heartbroken and depressed, I can't sleep, I cry all the time. My first son Died of S.I.D.S, and this son was a blessing and i love him so much. He has accused me of knowing of some very horrible things that supposedly went on when he was growing up. My daughters do not believe they are true, but they love me and their brother. I am beside myself with grief, it's as if he has died like my first son did. I have tried to find ways of letting him know how much i love him and the kids and his wife to be, but my calls and emails fall on deaf ear.
I don't know if i can go on. it hurts too much, it hurts thru my heart and soul. If there were any truth to what he has accused me of, i would confess and apologize and do whatever i had to do for my son. What is a mother to do? I can't funtion and I can't go on this way.

catherinetodd

AnotherSadMom

Dear Debbie,

I just had to write one more time... so much of your post rings so true for me! I had to smile at your book title, ""Mothers and The Sons Who Hate Them." I have read the book "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" over and over again; it could have been my story for sure. Now it's the same story with my son; the authors could have been a "fly on the wall" in my house. How true it is for all of us who "grew up the same way," isn't it?

Perhaps we could get Susan Forward to write another one about "Mothers and The Sons Who Hate Them" as you suggest! The one big smile of the day. I have to keep reminding myself that men who abuse women grow up that way, and can often be identified from a very young age. We just don't expect them to be our own! We have to learn to stand up for ourselves, no matter who is doing the abusing. And we have to be sure not to fall into the trap and "become" that which we don't like, and not turn into an abuser ourselves. That's the biggest thing; learning to "practice patience" or at least remove ourselves from conflicted situations until things calm down. If they don't calm down, then don't engage. No contact is the way it has to be right now, until I can stay calm in the face of anything he throws my way. And since I'm not "there yet," I will stay away and keep my own peace and not have my boat rocked and wrecked on another's shore. That, at least, I can do for myself. No need to let pirates take over!

You wrote: "Now that I'm trying to cut him out of my life completely aren't I going to make him right, when he said that I would give more attention to his sister's one daughter than all his boys total for the rest of their lives. I guess I would be fulfilling his own prophecy, right? Yet I can already hear the tongue lashing playing in my head that will come in the future. guess I would be fulfilling his own prophecy, right? Yet I can already hear the tongue lashing playing in my head that will come in the future."

Yes, that's the "Master Manipulator" at work. He knows just what to say to keep you coming back for more, just like an abusive husband would, sending flowers or making accusations or threats. They will say anything to get what they want, even if it's just to keep you around for more blame and torment. They have to blame somebody, it can't be themselves! All I have to do is learn to "Just Say No." Nancy Raegan was right about that! And as soon as you do it, and MEAN IT, guess what? The firestorm stops. There is nothing more they can do. Watch and see how, once they know you are serious and can't be budged, watch and see how their tune suddenly changes. But don't fall for insincere manipulations. It's up to them to convince you, to show you, they have love and respect for YOU. It's not the other way around, at this stage. Not in my mind, anyway. I've done all I can for years now, and nothing has ever been enough. Fine, it's time for him to feed himself and stop feeding off me. I am not anyone's punching bag, and I won't be his, either. Enough said.


I don't look at it as "cutting my son completely out of my life," though, as I could never be that strong. I tell myself that when he is clean and sober and HE wants a decent, kind and respectful relationship with me, I will be here, ready and waiting. But in the meantime, I will learn how to treat MYSELF with decency, kindness and respect. I would NEVER allow anyone to treat anyone else the way my son treats and talks to me, so why should I let him do it to me? To my face? No, never more. In my mind now I pretend that I am sticking up for a young friend, and then stick up for myself. Works everytime, as long as I can remember to see it that way. I am sticking up for that young girl who had no one to protect her when she was small. I can do that NOW.

The best advice I got was from a friend of mine who was married to an alcoholic who also hated his parents. She said that you could "never win" with this man. If his parents didn't come to visit, they "didn't care about him." If they did come, all he did was complain about them the entire time since they were "cutting into his drinking time." She said there was no satisfying him and that YOU CAN NEVER WIN. I always think about this when I think of my son.

Another friend of mine, a strong "father figure" for me, became very angry when I told him what my son was doing and saying to me. He said "That's it. No more. You don't contact him until he treats you with respect. And when he does come back, wanting something, YOU SAY NO AND YOU GIVE HIM NOTHING. Not until he learns." I wish that man had been around when my son was growing up, perhaps my son would have learned to treat me differently. But I made sure that no man was around because I was afraid that they might beat my son the way I was beaten growing up. So, as you said, I can see that the damage runs very, very deep.

I have so much work to do and so far to go. I have to keep reminding myself of this. It isn't just with my son, it just shows up with my son. I've buried the damage everywhere else. Now it's time to HEAL FROM THE INSIDE OUT. Our ultimate love for our children will always win out, so really I don't have to worry about that. I just have to find a way to cauterize the wounds and "stop the bleeding." My son opens up old wounds. That's what I have to remember, and that's where the healing has to begin. FROM THE INSIDE OUT. I can do it, if I just don't give in. Keep on the path, keep moving forward, keep doing the work to know "where what is outside begins." I have to continue to be grateful that I survived my upbringing sufficiently "intact" to not repeat the same mistakes my parents made, and make sure I live the best life I can live, and stay with positive people who live the way I do, and pray for the rest. Keep my distance and put things in God's Hands. That really is the only answer, isn't it? That, and "doing the work" we are doing right here on this website.

My son's wife left him, he's been stalked by another woman crazier than he is, and he can't keep a job or a relationship for very long. 4 or 5 years tops. Why should he be any different with me? It's sad and I am ashamed to say I am ashamed of him, and I don't "like" him either. It has taken me a long, long time to admit to this out loud or even in my own mind, but there you have it. I wouldn't even speak to him if I didn't know him, as he is a complete jerk. Unconditional love, some might say? Yes, but FROM A DISTANCE. I don't have to "love" abusive individuals. Apparently I am supposed to "forgive" them, and since I am no good at that, I have asked God to "teach me how to Love." Love with compassion, but not as a beggar going to a blind man who has nothing of real substance to give. That's the same thing as wishing and praying our alcoholic parent(s) would / could "love" us. They can't, anymore than our addicted children can "love" anyone else. We have to learn to love and accept the world as it is. Whatever that means. See the "reality" of things and don't turn away in disgust or anger, but ask God to bless them and be on our way.

I can learn to "love" or at least "accept" my enemies (which I have to admit that my son is, whether I like it or not) and that I can't change these things, only they can. I can be open to these changes, when and if they occur, but I must use "discernment" to tell if they are sincerely or only manipulating me further. Needy, greedy individuals are dangerous when they don't get their way, so my way has to be right now to learn to take care of myself. See in myself all those things that are there, that I wish my "son" could see in me. Give myself the love and ACCEPTANCE that I wish my "son" would give to me. When I can do this for myself, maybe my resentment and anger towards my son will also dissipate, and I can feel compassion for him, instead of "needing" him to love me. It's as if I have transferred all the need I had for love when I was small and later growing up to him, and I'm still not getting it. I hate to admit this, writing these words, but the only change I can make is in myself. So that is where it begins and ends. With me and with God.

God grant us peace in the world and change our hearts so that we can be what we wish to receive from others. Let me learn how to live, and let me learn how to love. Amen.

Thanks again for writing; I can't tell you how much this site has meant to me today. I felt like I was going crazy, and as difficult as these "lessons" are for me to learn, especially by the ones we hold so dear, if I can just "get it" then maybe the world will change. It will change inside of me, and be reflected outside into the world. With the light of God's grace all can be achieved. I hope and pray! None of this means that "I'm happy" about how things have turned out, or what I am attempted to do in trying to stand up for, and take care of, myself. But I know it has to be done.

There are plenty of "Little Hitlers" running around in this world, and bullies are everywhere. They all start out in families of one kind or another. It no longer has to be in mine. I can be "family" with anyone I want. It doesn't have to be with someone who hurts me. I have the right to good treatment no matter what, and I give it in return. That's not too much to ask for, and we all deserve to be treated well. Even we mothers here on this board!

Now I really have to stop, and get to work on some other positive endeavors. I hope I haven't worn everyone out! Thanks to everyone here, especially those who responded. Cozyk, too!

anothersadmom

Today I can only hope to learn to "love from a distance" that would be a great improvement from where I am, today.

It's very hard to say the words, I Hate My Son, but "today" that is what I feel. Whether any love is just buried under anger I don't know yet. May never know.

At this point I have to stop fearing him being angry with me, for whatever his "flavor of the day" is, and that is the hardest part. I actually FEAR him being upset, with me... my son, I'm fear my son being upset with me... I have to repeat that over and over to really get that reality to float to the top of the "ocean of emotion" in my mind. Right now it sets on top like as oil slick from the Exon Valdez. It smells!

Why on earth should I, the mom, fear him, the son, being upset, mad, angry with me? How stupid is that! I am the mom, he is the son!

I have figured out one thing. When I saw that my daughter was reaching out to him and I felt a sting of pain, I didn't understand where that came from. Wouldn't I want my children to have a relationship. Then I got it. I am afraid he will contaminate my relationship with my daughter, just as he has done with his wives. Again, more fear from him, more fear from my son. Like you, I would not let any man-husband-stranger-neighbor treat me the way I've let my son use and abuse me, yet here I am still in terrible pain and despair because my evil son and his viscous hateful wife hate me.

My son's second (current) wife is as toxic as he is and they feed off each other and keep each other fired up with all anger directly at me, well when I'm not at their beacon call. When I told them both their "allotment" with me had been used up, they were done with me and as I stated before "I would never see "her" children as long as she lived".

I do get some solace knowing that they have 4 boys! And it is highly likely they are going to get back what they have dished out to me 4 times over! I do have to admit that brings a slight grin to my sad face, even though that smile doesn't last too long. The largest smile comes to my face when I think the evil woman he married is going to have 4 daughter in laws, and that's if each of them only marry once!!!

As I told my son once when I let him drag me into the nasty banter, "your hell is yet to come". I also told him to be careful about getting on a "high horse, he can't ride" when he was busy point his finger at me.

I know I have to STOP getting on the abusive ride he want me to take, it's only for his pleasure not mine. I've always wondered if he was abusive to his wife, but after her nasty letter to me, I found I could care less.

Today, my pain has eased, thank to finding this board and reading your posts. You, Catherine eased a very sad mothers pain, how can anyone ever find the words to thank a person for that.


Today, my mind rested and thoughts of my son were more once every 15-20 minutes instead of once every 5 minutes, so that is an improvement already. I once thought about getting one of those little "clicker" counter things and just see how many times a day he ran through my mind in a day and see if I can't reduce that. Then realized that when I would see the "clicker" I would think of him, and that would defeat my purpose wouldn't it.

Tonight, I, Debbie, will sleep. More peacefully than I have in months. Tomorrow, well I will have to see how that goes.

Some way, through this forum, pray or counseling... I will find a way to accept I gave birth to some one who hates me. How that can be I've not figured out. I've only loved him in every way I know how, and all for nothing. I gave birth to as . That's as hard to say as to say I hate my son, today anyway. If he didn't look so much like me I swear they made a mistake at the hospital. Lord, I wonder how many parents have said that...lol.

But tonight I sleep. God said yes to my prayer, or maybe it was your prayer. Who cares, relief was granted.

God Bless You, Catherine, NC

From Debbie, KY
A Member of:
Mothers and Sons Who Hate Them

anothersadmom

Catherine, and all who are experiencing this problem:

I found this a few months ago when I was at one of my lowest points, there have been more low points since and probably will be more, but this clearly addressed every single thing my son does to ensure his hatred toward me sustains.

A favorite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:

a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarreling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and

b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people's attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict


Bullies are adept at distorting peoples' perceptions with intent to engender a negative view of their target in the minds of family members, neighbors, friends and people in positions of officialdom and authority; this is achieved through undermining, the creation of doubts and suspicions, and the sharing of false concerns, etc.

The bully may try to establish an exclusive relationship (based on apparent trust and confidence) with one family member such that they (the bully) are seen as the sole reliable source of information; this may be achieved by portraying the target (and certain other family members) as irresponsible, unstable, undependable, uncaring, unreliable and untrustworthy, perhaps by the constant highlighting - using distortion and fabrication - of alleged failures, breaches of trust, lack of reliability, etc.

The process is reinforced by inclusion of the occasional piece of juicy gossip about the target's alleged misdemeanors or untrustworthiness in respect of relationships and communication with people.

This is not to be confused with family members getting together and discussing the actually bully or the above paragraph would also apply to them. There two are very different and you have to take into account all other aspects of the "family bully"

Any person who is capable of exposing and breaking the dependency is targeted with venom and will find their name blackened at every opportunity.

When close to being outwitted and exposed, the bully cries victimhood and turns the focus on themselves - this is another example of manipulating people through their emotion of guilt, eg sympathy, feeling sorry, etc

Attributes of a Manipulator:

* is a convincing, practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
* has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act
* excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
* uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
* is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic
* relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a "normal" human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
* is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly
* cannot be trusted or relied upon
* fails to fulfill commitments
* is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; while language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
* is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy
* exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behavior and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse, and leaving their playboy magazines out for their young children to easily see!
* in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy
* holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret
* is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlementinvulnerability and untouchability and sense of
* has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
* is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
* displays a compulsive need to criticize while simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence
* shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water
* flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you've never had a proper conversation
* refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer
* is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability
* undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
* is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
* is quick to discredit and neutralize anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
* may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
* is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
* gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
* is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
* poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions
* when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
* is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
* often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
* is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation
* is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
* is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy
* is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
* is always a taker and never a giver
* is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
* often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus
* often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
* knows the words but not the song
* is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication
* sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability and is often a committeeaholic or apparent workaholic, in woman it's not unusual for them to remain pregnant as much as possible to gain attention they need.



Well, no wonder we fear, then loathe these people, be it our own selves (at time of weakness) or our sons.

I myself could take each attribute listed above and write a book of those exact experiences I have encounter from my son. It might even turn out to be a real "never ending" story because so far I've been unable to "end" the effect it has on me, but I'm getting there, with the help of this very board and a whole lot of prayers.

I know there are thousands of us moms out there with adult children who hate them. I hope that they find this and can be comforted by reading our discussions, about our pain, and know they are not alone.

Hopefully I can find strength to continue my journey away from the pain and broken heart, I'm working on it minute by minute. Someday soon I hope to truly know it's not my fault, none of it. I was damned no matter what I did or will do in the future when it comes to my son. However it's yet to play out fully on which of us are truly the "damned".

I don't look for things to ever improve, not in this world anyway. Nor do I want the dramatic reconciliation of either of us on our deathbeds. (that would only serve to ease the quilt of my abuser) If he couldn't love me when I had love to give and a life time to share it, don't expect it now will be what I will think, ...I think.

Maybe we will can come back together on the other side, but I can't see me in his life anymore on this side of heaven. I have to protect myself, I have to give myself permission to live out the rest of my life fully and completely as well as joyfully. And I can't do that being used and abused by my son.

Like Catherine, if I met this person on the street, in a shop, as a neighbor I would not like him, so why because I gave birth to him is it expected I MUST love this abuser, when otherwise I wouldn't even LIKE this abuser.

A side note here: I was remembering a conversation he and I had just after Katrina hit our southern coast. I decided that I must go down and assist, so on my own I used our van, called on all my friends for donations of goods, doctors, lawyers, anyone I knew. Everyone really came through and was so supportive. But guess who thought I was nuts! Yes, my dear son. He called and said, "Are you nuts! What do you think you are going to do. You've lost your mind" and so forth. Not one word of support. Not one word of him being proud of his mom to stepping up to help others in need, not one offer of donated items, toys, clothes anything. NOTHING!

When I returned after two weeks, our local newspaper did a story of what all I did, what I saw, experienced etc. My son was not interested in hearing anything about it, he could have cared less. I now see, it's because it wasn't about HIM!

Pray today everyone of us, pray for peace in our own hearts, but I've decided to no longer waste my prayers on my son, let him pray for what he needs himself. Yes, I've become selfish even in my prayers when it comes to him, sad isn't it?

Debbie, KY

catherinetodd

I really enjoyed meeting you all online and hope that "all is well," despite any problems we may be having. My short-lived experience here did me a great deal of good, and I hope I was able to help others as well. Sharing and caring, no matter what the circumstances, really does make a difference in this world.

I love the books by Melody Beattie on codependency, and learning to “care for ourselves” and stop trying to “fix everyone else,” along with Wayne Kritsburg’s "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA) book, and the Dalai Lama and “peace and meditation,” with “emotions passing overhead like clouds in the sky. I also love the Gratefulness.org site with it’s free daily email “Word for the Day” ... and reading and talking about prayer and “putting it in God’s Hands” right here on this website!

So this is the last bit of “little gifts” I hope I can give to everyone who has broken their heart, or had their heart broken, and I hope that peace and comfort can come to each and every one of us, including family members where conflict still reigns. I am sure that if we can find peace and acceptance inside our own selves, we can give that peace and acceptance to others and to the world. What could be better than that?

Thanks so much to everyone, and keep in touch!

ScottGem

There is no need for your experience here to be "short-lived". You were banned (a decision made by other mods) because of gross violations of the rules of this site against insulting and harassing other members. However, I felt that you did have something valuable to contribute and that your violations were due to your unfamiliarity with this site. After corresponding with you, I felt you understood your transgressions and were sincere in your desire to help others (the goal of this site) so I reinstated you.

Feel free to contribute positively to this site. But you need to be careful to stay within the rules.

ksatagaj

Dear Carahayes:'I SO feel for you- I went through the same thing for a year, and I thought it would kill me! I cried all the time- sometimes I would even start crying at work ! Is there any way you can talk to the girl he plans on marrying? Or maybe a friend of his can help you get through to him? In my case, I cried, I prayed, and I e-mailed him every single day. I never gave up. At first I would send him letters, but he took every single thing I said the wrong way. My son too blamed me for everything in his life- and I mean everything- even down to the fact that he claimed I never made him brush his teeth as a child ! (show me a mother who doesn't make her kids brush their teeth!)- He said I would never know my grandchild because he did not want my "parenting influences". It was unbearable- I thought I would die! But like I said, I never gave up. I e-mailed him asking how long he was going to "punish" me because I couldn't stand it. He e-mailed me back that he had no time frame but he would "think" about talking to me. Not long after that (and almost one year to the day after our own altercations)- he called me and wanted me to come bond with my grandson. My point is that I never gave up and you should not either. My son has grown up a lot in the past year. He also constantly asked me for money- but since he has been back with me- has not asked me for a penny. Right now he is out in Arizona, so I miss him terribly and I worry, but at least he calls often, or I call him. Now that he is planning to get married, maybe things will change for your son. At the very least, when you do e-mail him, try to get him to tell you exactly what he is referring to when he says you did "horrible things". After all, how can you defend yourself, or clear the air when you don't know what it is you were supposed to have done? I will pray for you- my heart goes out to you- I was in your shoes. My family was there for me, but I know they were also tired of the constant crying about it- and it was worse for them because there was nothing they could do to help the situation. I really wish I could give you better advice, but please keep me posted. The kids always complain about the parents, but if only they realized what they did TO the parents- how much it hurts. Like I always told my son, kids don't come with instructions- if they did, we would all be perfect parents.

gaia213

I do see that your son may hate you, and that indeed is a pain, but there may have been things you have done in order to hurt him without possessing such an intention, but still his feelings are what they are.

Do not feel guilty or sad for these things, remember, there is always hope. There exists a high chance that if you would arrange a meeting with your son and talk to him, apologizing for what mother you may have been and saying you do not want to lose him, your dear son and tell him how you feel, even though you may not know for what you truly apologize even such a lie can easily touch the soul of your son and I believe that he shall then forgive you and also apologize.

Your son may also be in a certain unpleasant situation in life, but unfortunately I know not but if that indeed is so, the wisest decision would be to leave him alone for a while now and when he is stabilized tell him how you feel and that you truly care

By all means try not to express any anger, hatred or negative feelings towards your son, he may be very delicate in this case and will easily hate you to the bottom of his heart if you act wrongly.

I hope my short advice will help you

gaia213

Believe me there are several posibilities after this but I may only give advice depending on how he acts, he may say for you to shut up once more but i believe that if he truly loves you he shall see your sadness(often seen by shredded tears) and be truly sorry.

ksatagaj

Wow- do I ever FEEL that! First of all, most of what you said was written by me over one year ago, so I think I am able to say in all honesty that I know exactly how you feel. There is no pain that goes deeper than the pain of feeling hated by your own child. And this board was the best idea I ever came up with while going through it all. I could never had gotten by without it! Don't ever give up hope- without hope, what is there? You can do what I did- I e-mailed him every day (he would not talk to me on the phone, and every letter I sent- he took every single thing I said the wrong way)-------I even had his sister e-mail him, his stepfather sent him such a heartfelt e-mail it would make you cry........even his father sent him an e-mail trying to encourage him to get back with his family. But in the end it has to come from your son- he will reach out to you when/if he wants to try to have any kind of relationship. The other things I did to get by: pray and cry and write to people on this board. It will all help.

momo10

I'm so glad I found you guys. I never thought in a million years I would be saying my adult son hates me but that's what it's come down to. He was a loving, respectful son until 2 1/2 yrs ago he met and married his wife within a 5 month period. Both were in their early thirites and first marriage for both. We thought our daughter in law was his perfect mate, she seemed so nice and thoughtful. However, rage from my son towards me became common shortly after meeting her. A few months ago I started seeing a therapist because I was feeling so badly and wondered what I have done or said to deserve this rage. According to my son I have done nothing right from the time he was born. Although my therapist hasn't seen my daughter in law and son, from what I have described to him, he believes my daughter in law is a manipulative narcissist. Since Christmas, they have chosen to have nothing to do with my husband, his only sister and me. Before they were married my son had two dogs who came to live with us since my daughter in law didn't want the dogs. When they got married, she didn't invite my son's only sibling to be in the wedding. According to them, we never call enough or visit them. However whenever we have called to say we will be visiting, they always have something else planned. They are now pregnant and we were notified by a card. I have no hopes of being able to be a part of our first grandchild's life. I can't help but think our son has been brainwashed because we no longer are able to talk reason with him or even defend ourselves. He is no longer the fun, respectful, caring son we used to know. It breaks my heart.