Hello,
My wife and I have 4 children. Three boys 21-25 and a 19 year old daughter. Our daughter has been in some trouble since she was 16.When she was 17 she was arrested for underage drinking and was put in a girls shelter for 45 days. She did not graduate from high school in '06 like she was supposed to due to not enough credits.She was constantly in in school suspension and out of school suspension because of her big mouth.
She is currently 19 and living with us (the boys are out) and causing us major grief.
She does not work,she runs day and night coming and going as she pleases,is running with a bad crowd drinking,smoking and doing coke.She doesn't care about herself and has very low self esteem. We've tried to help in the past and tried to talk to her but all she does is scream at us. There are times when she is calm and we get along but recently she is acting totally psyco... yelling at me that she hates me and she wishes I would die (I've had some heart problems.. open heart in '01.. heart attack in sept. '06) calling me a "Piece of SHeeT excuse for an effing father." and calling her mother a "whore" and a "".
I could go on here people.. I'm sure there are others who have or are dealing with this type of situation.. I think I know what you are going to say but maybe I need to hear it from an outsider.My wife and I do love her.. and I hope you can understand when I say it's hard to put her out on the street because she is our daughter.
I need help here people.Some opinions please.Thanks in advance and sorry for the language but it's THAT bad and worse.
Thanks... Dan

Simple.
She is legally an adult so kick her out, change the locks and get the police involved if she kicks off.

You wanted the opinion from outside. Here it is.
Your daughter's low self esteem and hatred didn't develop overnight. By listing her words you wanted to arise people's indignation toward your daughter and feeling sorry about your parenthood. However, you are responsible for your daughter poorly established personality.
If you kick her out, you don't know it may make things worse or better. The note that you don't want her out in the street tells me that you do feel some responsibility for being disrespectful to your daughter since her early childhood, because your bad relationship began since she was 16, the age the girl needed your respect and encouragement of her self-esteem. Now it is late to speak to her. But you can do something for her. Never late to improve the relationship. But you need begin with your own attitude.
Change your beliefs about her, think of goodness, think what is there in her that you can respect and begin smiling to her. Forgive her foolish mistakes. Be wise and keep you at home. You know what the street may do with your daughter especially if she doesn't care about herself. Be on her side, even this may sound ridiculous after what she had done. Forget feeling sorry about yourself, feel a bit of sorry about her, if you really love her.

I'm sorry to here about your daughter's behavior. I'm 20 and yeah I went through a little wild phase too not as much as her like doing drugs but still bad. My parents were very upset with me for not graduating high school and going in and out of the house as I please, they are very strict Muslim parents. My dad had a stroke and I completely changed, I finished my high school and started college and I have respect for my parents and others now.I'm not telling you to have a stroke or anything, just remember you're the parent, she is 19 and an adult, she will not listen to you so try to make her get help like, have an intervention or something like that. Put her in a mental institute. I know it sounds crazy but I think that might help her and save her from doing something crazy.

Agree in principle, disagree in execution.

Since she's already doing dumb stuff, booting her out outright may just compound that... she needs a wakeup call, but she won't recognize that as one (she's more likely to get angry and then crash at a friend's apartment... that's a bad place for her to be). Give her a deadline to start shaping up. Say, in 30 days you're out, unless you make some changes. And the changes don't let her stay indefinitely, they just add a bit to the deadline.

Some changes could be:
Sign up for (and actually participate in) a GED program.
Get a job.
Get drug free.

Buy a new set of locks and leave them sitting out as a reminder that you're serious. And be serious about it... once the deadline passes, change the locks.

You are way off base and I think it is horrible you are trying to blame the father of this ADULT WOMAN for her actions.

I am wondering if there is something else going on here. You have 3 sons who are out of the house. Any problem with them? Does she have a good relationship with her brothers?

If no to both of these, I am just wondering if she might be suffering from some sort of disorder, such as schizophrenia or bi-polar. It can manifest itself anywhere from 15 years on up. If her bad behavior is escalating and you have a good relationship with your boys, I suggest a sit down with your wife and boys (make sure your daughter is not around) and discuss how the 5 of you can get her some help from an outside party. You need to do some research and find a psychiatrist in your area whose area of expertise is with these diseases. Find out from the psychiatrist how to best get her into his/her office.
You need to have the help of all your family members on this because this will not be an easy task to get her in there. You may have to have her checked into a facility for the doctor to be able to diagnose her correctly.

If your daughter does have a good relationship with her brothers there is some other underlying cause for this disturbing behavior. Again, I would sit down (without her) with the rest of your family and have a family discussion. Your boys might be able to shed some light on the matter. Depending on what the outcome of that meeting is, you should have a better idea as to how to handle her. Then, come back to this website and let us know what you have found out. Someone here may be able to help you find some resources or have some suggestions on what your next move should be.

Hope this helps.

Often I am the only one who advocates the child's side. Tabi, I don't know how old are you, but you are still child for your parents, in your 19 year old, I am sure, you didn't/won't feel ADULT WOMAN.

19 year old people are the result of their upbringing. Themselves esteem and values, which they are/aren't acquired from their parents are only features they have. Then, after years of suffering and realisation of life mistakes they begin understand something. However, if they never feel anybody's magnanimity, their spirit may be killed.

It is sad that too many people here want to kick a young girl from her home, just because she didn't learn what happiness is in her home. That is what I insist is the responsibility of her parents. I wish the author of the question answer, what his other children think. I also wish my response is representing the opposite point to sharp the parents conscience. If parents hesitate to kick the girl out maybe their conscience torments them? I have a lot to say to what to do, but I need the desire of parents to act in this direction: in direction to improve the relationship with the daughter, not just to receive a "support."

Something happened when she was about 16 and talking to her brothers may give you some type of direction to pursue. Her anger has to have a basis and finding it could be helpful. Having said that her behaviour is unacceptable and she must make an effort to at least be respectable or she has to go. Sorry 19 is too old not to be accountable for ones own actions, whatever her problem is.

Your attitude toward your daughter could be an issue, you appear to have a very low opinion of her. She didn't just decide to act out and practice self destructing behaviors just because she wanted to. It coukld be out of anger, pain physical as well as emotional, or a trauma that happened. The drugs, staying out running with the wrong people, rebelling are signs something is wrong and not just bad behavior. She's 19, but bascially still a kid.
She's your child and legal age or not, you have a responsibility to help he because she needs it. Not your condemation of her. She needs your love, your unconditional love. You need to tell her as often as you can that you love her. That you know she's hurting inside, (and not just causing you grief) and you want to help her. I agree that maybe something happened to her at 16 to cause a sudden change in her.
Maybe if you sat down with her in a non threatening but loving manner, tell her she's a good kid and that you know somehting is wong but you can't help her unless she tells you what it is. That all you want is the best for her .
You need to think outside the box, that the behavior is a response and not the cause of something. In doing that you may repair your relationship as well as maybe save her life.

Actually, I am a 24 year old married woman. I've been married since I was 19 (No, I wasn't pregnant. And forced into marriage. A lot of people think that because I was young). 19 years old is old enough to know right from wrong. Her parents shouldn't be blamed for her actions any longer. At 19 you can get married, vote and go to war. I think you are old enough to be responsible for your own actions. I do feel her parents should offer her help. If she doesn't take it kick her out and let her try and support her self for awhile maybe that is the wake up call she needs.

I think you people are waaaay off base. Obviously the parents did things right.. OR the problems wouldve surfaced way before 16? 16 is an age where kids start hanging out, smoking, drinking, sneaking around.. and trying to be COOL. Obviously the parents are seeking advice.. but its responses from people as yourselves.. blaming them.. why they feel there is no help. Back in the day.. if the children acted as they do today? Holy.. they'd been beat and beat again if they even tried to make a noise. Now days? Its because of people as yourselves.. blaming the parents for this messed up world our teens live in. causing the teens to continue doing as they're doing. There is NO respect for the parents today. If you even think about smacking them in the mouth for calling you a bad name.. they threaten Social services. You're what's wrong with our kids today.. not the parents of this girl.

Hm, then why have parents at all? If we aren't liable for our children's actions (stable children without mental diseases) then why are we here? I always thought we were around to love, protect, and teach love.

@ The author: From your post I got the feeling almost instantly that you're proud of your boys and how they are, but seriously disappointed in your daughter.

This is understandable, but I wonder when it began. I have a feeling something happened to your daughter around the age of 16, or she finally become more alert to the situation in the household (brotherly favoring maybe?) and got sick of it. That is merely presuming of course, I don't know if you wanted another boy or not. :)

Overallthough, with the names she calls you and your wife, it would appear that anger has a direct target - you guys.

Someone suggested putting her in a mental institution and although that may seem harsh, having her put away somewhere safe and away from her friends isn't a bad idea. Even if you have to take a few months to go up to a family member's house whom lives in another state - heck across the ocean even.

I think you guys need some serious one on one time to figure out just why she hates you guys so much.

Someone else suggested bi-polar and such... this is possible, but I don't think it seems that way from her actions. I wish you the best of luck.

Keep us informed.
- Sarah

Hmm.. exactly my point, isn't it? If a parent comes seeking advice.. doesn't that mean they're trying to find answers on what to do? Love, protect and teach love you say? Isn't that what he's doing? Why did he deserve to be blamed for what's going on with his daughter? None of us really knows.. so why assume the worst? Maybe.. just maybe.. because she is the only girl.. she got spoiled? Ever think of that? Can't accept the word no because she might have never been told no before the age of 16? I mean.. Im guessing here too. I have a few friends that have daughters around this age.. and it just seems to be a trend. There's some far and in between that actually stayed on that straight line.. but for the most part.. none of them have. Its today's world. Look at our schools... we have rapes in the hallways.. teachers being hit and hospitalized.. guns and knives being brought to school... no respect.. right? Our kids spend approx 8 hours a day in school. Most parents have to work (both of them) and aren't home with our children a lot. Definitely don't get 8 hours a day with them... we come home tired and want to relax.. and don't have time for the children. So.. the kids best teachers and influences are at school.. Whew.. glad they have that, huh? Look at what's on TV now days? Nothing but sex and drugs and evil crap. Another great teacher and influence for our kids. Instead of genuinely seeking help for a parent that seeks it and help with advice nobody wants to look outside the box.. they just want to blame all of it on the parents. I disagree with those that did that.. that's my opinion.. isn't it? That's also what open forums are for. I just think our kids get taught outside of the home.. then we're left to pick up the pieces and take the blame. Of course we need parents... and if you're anything like me.. I do everything I can for my kids. One son.. I do more for, because he needs my attention more than the other two. My other two go to a private school... because of the way public schools are. Their school is also a church they attend... Im home everyday when they get home... we have family nights.. we stay up all hours of the night if one of them needs to talk or has a problem in whatever area...
I agree parents need to take on more responsibilities for their children.. and try a little harder.. but Im not going to blame someone's parents for the kids misbehaving, especially when they came seeking advice. Instead I'll blame those parets that do nothing but sit and whine and don't seek help.. or the ones that beat their kids.. or even worse.. kill them. Don't take it out on a parent that's trying to find answers. We as parents should be sticking together to find ways to help our children.. especially teens.

I agree, with Ben.

There is a but, you still need to show her that you love her and except her for who she is.

At the same time, I feel as well that something happened to her. Abuse, some kind of physical abuse or even sexual abuse. There is a reason why she is acting out.

Has she gone for any kind of counseling at all?

Hope you get to the bottom of it. Kicking her out to learn the hard way is important but only as a very last resort.

Please try one last ditch effort to find out if anything happened to her and try to get her to open up and into counseling. No changes then do what Ben said.

Joe

I also agree with Ben, but as a last resort, when you have warned her that if she doesn't see someone and get help in the next 30 days and stick to it. I don't agree that it is always how they are brought up that causes problems. Many go off the rails when they have been brought up the right way. The parents are not always at fault, it can sometimes be something outside the family that causes it. She should be told that they are not willing to accept anymore of her behaviour and that if she doesn't comply with there suggestion, then she is out.

I think yes, she is old enough to know right from wrong, BUT- a parent's job is NEVER over. It's a lifetime job. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't kick her out- because that could send off rather a really bad message that when she was at her worst, her parents weren't there for her.
Perhaps when it started at 16, right then her parents should've done things different- but it's no matter now, because this is the present situation. The fact her parents are worried is great, as it shows they DO care- enough to reach out to others for help, not many parents are like that.
I think perhaps the best route would be to have a family intervention (the parents, brothers, any good influences that mean a lot to her are key) and try to get her out of this big slump. Being she's on drugs- her attitude's going to be even WORSE, especially with a substance such as coke! She'll act neurotic because coke messes with your brain in a big way.
Don't shun her and be strong. You're already being a good parent just by reaching out for help. I don't doubt she'll be hard to convince to change her ways- but try. I'm not a parent and even I know that a parent's job is never easy, BUT- because you love your daughter, as the parent- you're to stick with her till the end, through good AND bad.
Perhaps even talk to a therapist yourself to talk it out and ask for professional suggestions.

At 19 its hard because she's still a child but at the same time she is a woman. The cue about sexual abuse makes sense, maybe something like that happened and she harbours anger toward her parents for not "protecting" her from what they may not/could not possibly know about. The other problems surfaced as a result of low esteem from the incident.eg0 rape victims feel degraded and "worthless". Stay stoned and you won't be able to hurt kind of thing.

Her brothers may know something about her issues or may have heard something about it. I hate to travel this route but maybe they caused it either directly or indirectly. I'm not saying anything against your boys but you need to consider all angles here. I don't know your guys. I'm just tossing out ideas of what may have caused the rebellion.

As to the question of what to do now, try to gt the concerned family members together for an intervention if she won't sit and talk to you. Get a qualified therapist to facilitate this intervention. An outside party like this can keep emotions on a more even keel and represent a safety zone for all concerned. If that doesn't work you may have to let her go on her own. Kicking her out is the last resort for you but you might have to do it. Sometimes the school of hard knocks can make a person change. She'll only change if she wants to and if she doesn't want to... well, what else can you do?

WRONG WRONG WRONG.. you heartless irresponsible person. They are dealing with a child that needs help in which I am sure there is some degree of fault that lies to them, but not totally. Genetics predisposes a lot of folks to a lot of things... Regardless it needs to be fixed. How much pain and anger the daughter exhibits needs to be addressed, NOW. The whole group needs counseling together, starting with the daughter. And a good psychiatrist to help evalutate for any disorders. Also a good physician to evaluate for any physical medical problems. I suspect it is all behavorial, which only step by step can be handled. It cannot all go away in a day and will take time to unwrangle the mess. But if you the parents really want to help, then this is a must. The family will always bear a sadness and frustration that will hinder is cohesiveness forever. But be prepared, because it will take addressing tough things on all parts and great humility. Just look at the end goal. Parents you are not victims here... you have all the power. She may be of age, but if she will not cooperate, you can have her committed for evalutations. Step up to do what is right.. today. All of you deserve happiness, and you have no idea what this is really doing to your sons.

Ok first off, we don't know what kind of parent's they are. They could be good bad or in the middle. From my experience, I was a good little gril until teens hit. Then I wanted to get out of the house and ignore my dad. Why? B/c he wasn't a father, and my mom was mental. I was always yelled at and bossed around even until age 19. I finally got tired of it and now I live with my fiancé. I'll always have a hard spot in my heart for my dad. He was a jerk who didn't know how to be a parent. This girl hate's her parent's because they did something wrong. We don't grow to hate our parent's over-night. It take's awhile until we get soooo sick of them and everyone else that we rebel. I can feel for this kid. I was there. Their must be something that the parent's have done with the girl that was harmful. Maybe being mean, bossy or disrespectful of personal space. I don't care how young a person is parent's still need to show us respect. Were all human. This girl is trying to get attention so things will change. I'm not going to call you a bad parent, but you did something wrong. It's not always the kid's fault for being bad or growing up to be a bad person. It's almost always the parent's. Even the smallest thing can cause this, such as not being there for your child. My dad was never mentally able to help me and neither was my mom, so I was raised by idoits. Sad huh? It's more sad when parent's can't stop this. I pity that poor girl for having to deal with the stuff she is and hope the people in her life show her they are sorry for all the hurt they've cased her. Personaly want she needs is love. Not to be committed. That's like saying I needed committed for being a disrespectful teen. Ha, My folk's got what they deserved. A rude, hateful and disrespectful daughther. Were are they now? In home's! Some people either shouldn't be parent's or should parent differently. As I've said we don't do crap for our health. We do it because it's how were treated that fuels the fire.