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My hateful,disrespectful out of control 19 yo daughter
Hello,
My wife and I have 4 children. Three boys 21-25 and a 19 year old daughter. Our daughter has been in some trouble since she was 16.When she was 17 she was arrested for underage drinking and was put in a girls shelter for 45 days. She did not graduate from high school in '06 like she was supposed to due to not enough credits.She was constantly in in school suspension and out of school suspension because of her big mouth.
She is currently 19 and living with us (the boys are out) and causing us major grief.
She does not work,she runs day and night coming and going as she pleases,is running with a bad crowd drinking,smoking and doing coke.She does'nt care about herself and has very low self esteem. We've tried to help in the past and tried to talk to her but all she does is scream at us. There are times when she is calm and we get along but recently she is acting totally psyco...yelling at me that she hates me and she wishes I would die (I've had some heart problems..open heart in '01..heart attack in sept. '06) calling me a "Piece of SHeeT excuse for an effing father." and calling her mother a "whore" and a "".
I could go on here people..I'm sure there are others who have or are dealing with this type of situation..I think I know what you are going to say but maybe I need to hear it from an outsider.My wife and I do love her..and I hope you can understand when I say it's hard to put her out on the street because she is our daughter.
I need help here people.Some opinions please.Thanks in advance and sorry for the language but it's THAT bad and worse.
Thanks...Dan
You wanted the opinion from outside. Here it is.
Your daughter's low self esteem and hatred didn't develop overnight. By listing her words you wanted to arise people's indignation toward your daughter and feeling sorry about your parenthood. However, you are responsible for your daughter poorly established personality.
If you kick her out, you don't know it may make things worse or better. The note that you don't want her out in the street tells me that you do feel some responsibility for being disrespectful to your daughter since her early childhood, because your bad relationship began since she was 16, the age the girl needed your respect and encouragement of her self-esteem. Now it is late to speak to her. But you can do something for her. Never late to improve the relationship. But you need begin with your own attitude.
Change your beliefs about her, think of goodness, think what is there in her that you can respect and begin smiling to her. Forgive her foolish mistakes. Be wise and keep you at home. You know what the street may do with your daughter especially if she doesn't care about herself. Be on her side, even this may sound rediculous after what she had done. Forget feeling sorry about yourself, feel a bit of sorry about her, if you really love her.
I'm sorry to here about your daughter's behavior. I'm 20 and yeah I went through a little wild phase too not as much as her like doing drugs but still bad. My parents were very upset with me for not graduating high school and going in and out of the house as I please, they are very strict Muslim parents. My dad had a stroke and I completely changed, I finished my high school and started college and I have respect for my parents and others now.I'm not telling you to have a stroke or anything, just remember your the parent, she is 19 and an adult, she will not listen to you so try to make her get help like, have an intervention or something like that. Put her in a mental institute. I know it sounds crazy but I think that might help her and save her from doing something crazy.
Simple.
She is legally an adult so kick her out, change the locks and get the police involved if she kicks off.
Agree in principle, disagree in execution.
Since she's already doing dumb stuff, booting her out outright may just compound that... she needs a wakeup call, but she won't recognize that as one (she's more likely to get angry and then crash at a friend's apartment... that's a bad place for her to be). Give her a deadline to start shaping up. Say, in 30 days you're out, unless you make some changes. And the changes don't let her stay indefinitely, they just add a bit to the deadline.
Some changes could be:
Sign up for (and actually participate in) a GED program.
Get a job.
Get drug free.
Go ahead and buy a new set of locks and leave them sitting out as a reminder that you're serious. And be serious about it... once the deadline passes, change the locks.
You wanted the opinion from outside. Here it is.
Your daughter's low self esteem and hatred didn't develop overnight. By listing her words you wanted to arise people's indignation toward your daughter and feeling sorry about your parenthood. However, you are responsible for your daughter poorly established personality.
If you kick her out, you don't know it may make things worse or better. The note that you don't want her out in the street tells me that you do feel some responsibility for being disrespectful to your daughter since her early childhood, because your bad relationship began since she was 16, the age the girl needed your respect and encouragement of her self-esteem. Now it is late to speak to her. But you can do something for her. Never late to improve the relationship. But you need begin with your own attitude.
Change your beliefs about her, think of goodness, think what is there in her that you can respect and begin smiling to her. Forgive her foolish mistakes. Be wise and keep you at home. You know what the street may do with your daughter especially if she doesn't care about herself. Be on her side, even this may sound rediculous after what she had done. Forget feeling sorry about yourself, feel a bit of sorry about her, if you really love her.
You are way off base and I think it is horrible you are trying to blame the father of this ADULT WOMAN for her actions.
I am wondering if there is something else going on here. You have 3 sons who are out of the house. Any problem with them? Does she have a good relationship with her brothers?
If no to both of these, I am just wondering if she might be suffering from some sort of disorder, such as schizophrenia or bi-polar. It can manifest itself anywhere from 15 years on up. If her bad behavior is escalating and you have a good relationship with your boys, I suggest a sit down with your wife and boys (make sure your daughter is not around) and discuss how the 5 of you can get her some help from an outside party. You need to do some research and find a psychiatrist in your area whose area of expertise is with these diseases. Find out from the psychiatrist how to best get her into his/her office.
You need to have the help of all your family members on this because this will not be an easy task to get her in there. You may have to have her checked into a facility for the doctor to be able to diagnose her correctly.
If your daughter does have a good relationship with her brothers there is some other underlying cause for this disturbing behavior. Again, I would sit down (without her) with the rest of your family and have a family discussion. Your boys might be able to shed some light on the matter. Depending on what the outcome of that meeting is, you should have a better idea as to how to handle her. Then, come back to this website and let us know what you have found out. Someone here may be able to help you find some resources or have some suggestions on what your next move should be.
To Abuhar: you are trying to blame the father of this ADULT WOMAN for her actions.
Often I am the only one who advocates the child's side. Tabi, I don't know how old are you, but you are still child for your parents, in your 19 year old, I am sure, you didn't/won't feel ADULT WOMAN.
19 year old people are the result of their upbringing. Their self esteem and values, which they are/aren't acquired from their parents are only features they have. Then, after years of suffering and realisation of life mistakes they begin understand something. However, if they never feel anybody's magnanimity, their spirit may be killed.
It is sad that too many people here want to kick a young girl from her home, just because she didn't learn what happiness is in her home. That is what I insist is the responsibility of her parents. I wish the author of the question answer, what his other children think. I also wish my response is representing the opposite point to sharp the parents conscience. If parents hesitate to kick the girl out maybe their conscience torments them? I have a lot to say to what to do, but I need the desire of parents to act in this direction: in direction to improve the relationship with the daughter, not just to receive a "support."
Something happened when she was about 16 and talking to her brothers may give you some type of direction to pursue. Her anger has to have a basis and finding it could be helpful. Having said that her behaviour is unacceptable and she must make an effort to at least be respectable or she has to go. Sorry 19 is too old not to be accountable for ones own actions, whatever her problem is.
your attitude toward your daughter could be an issue, you appear to have a very low oppinion of her. she didn't just decide to act out and practice self destructing behaviors just becuase she wanted to. it coukld be out of anger, pain physical as well as emotional, or a trauma that happend. the drugs, staying out running with the wrong people, rebelling are signs something is wrong and not just bad behavior. she's 19, but bascially still a kid.
she's your child and legal age or not, you have a responsibility to help he because she needs it. not your condemation of her. she needs your love, your unconditional love. you need to tell her as often as you can that you love her. that you know she's hurting inside, (and not just causing you grief) and you want to help her. I agree that maybe something happened to her at 16 to cause a sudden change in her.
maybe if you sat down with her in a non threatening but loving manner, tell her she's a good kid and that you know somehting is wong but you can't help her unless she tells you what it is. that all you want is the best for her .
you need to think outside the box, that the behavior is a response and not the cause of something. in doing that you may repair your relationship as well as maybe save her life.
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