Hello,
My wife and I have 4 children. Three boys 21-25 and a 19 year old daughter. Our daughter has been in some trouble since she was 16.When she was 17 she was arrested for underage drinking and was put in a girls shelter for 45 days. She did not graduate from high school in '06 like she was supposed to due to not enough credits.She was constantly in in school suspension and out of school suspension because of her big mouth.
She is currently 19 and living with us (the boys are out) and causing us major grief.
She does not work,she runs day and night coming and going as she pleases,is running with a bad crowd drinking,smoking and doing coke.She does'nt care about herself and has very low self esteem. We've tried to help in the past and tried to talk to her but all she does is scream at us. There are times when she is calm and we get along but recently she is acting totally psyco...yelling at me that she hates me and she wishes I would die (I've had some heart problems..open heart in '01..heart attack in sept. '06) calling me a "Piece of SHeeT excuse for an effing father." and calling her mother a "whore" and a "".
I could go on here people..I'm sure there are others who have or are dealing with this type of situation..I think I know what you are going to say but maybe I need to hear it from an outsider.My wife and I do love her..and I hope you can understand when I say it's hard to put her out on the street because she is our daughter.
I need help here people.Some opinions please.Thanks in advance and sorry for the language but it's THAT bad and worse.
Thanks...Dan

Tabi

Actually, I am a 24 year old married woman. I've been married since I was 19 (No, I wasn't preg. and forced into marriage. A lot of people think that because I was young). 19 years old is old enough to know right from wrong. Her parents shouldn't be blamed for her actions any longer. At 19 you can get married, vote and go to war. I think you are old enough to be responsible for your own actions. I do feel her parents should offer her help. If she doesn't take it kick her out and let her try and support her self for awhile maybe that is the wake up call she needs.

Slither

I think you people are waaaay off base. Obviously the parents did things right.. OR the problems wouldve surfaced way before 16? 16 is an age where kids start hanging out, smoking, drinking, sneaking around.. and trying to be COOL. Obviously the parents are seeking advice.. but its responses from people as yourselves.. blaming them.. why they feel there is no help. Back in the day.. if the children acted as they do today? Holy.. they'd been beat and beat again if they even tried to make a noise. Now days? Its because of people as yourselves.. blaming the parents for this messed up world our teens live in. causing the teens to continue doing as theyre doing. There is NO respect for the parents today. If you even think about smacking them in the mouth for calling you a bad name.. they threaten Social services. YOURE whats wrong with our kids today.. not the parents of this girl.

NY_Mom

Hm, then why have parents at all? If we aren't liable for our children's actions (stable children without mental diseases) then why are we here? I always thought we were around to love, protect, and teach love.

@ The author: From your post I got the feeling almost instantly that you're proud of your boys and how they are, but seriously disappointed in your daughter.

This is understandable, but I wonder when it began. I have a feeling something happened to your daughter around the age of 16, or she finally become more alert to the situation in the household (brotherly favoring maybe?) and got sick of it. That is merely presuming of course, I don't know if you wanted another boy or not.

Overallthough, with the names she calls you and your wife, it would appear that anger has a direct target - you guys.

Someone suggested putting her in a mental institution and although that may seem harsh, having her put away somewhere safe and away from her friends isn't a bad idea. Even if you have to take a few months to go up to a family member's house whom lives in another state - heck across the ocean even.

I think you guys need some serious one on one time to figure out just why she hates you guys so much.

Someone else suggested bi-polar and such...this is possible, but I don't think it seems that way from her actions. I wish you the best of luck.

Keep us informed.
- Sarah

Slither

Hmm.. exactly my point, isnt it? If a parent comes seeking advice.. doesnt that mean theyre trying to find answers on what to do? Love, protect and teach love you say? Isnt that what hes doing? Why did he deserve to be blamed for whats going on with his daughter? None of us really knows.. so why assume the worst? Maybe.. just maybe.. because she is the only girl.. she got spoiled? Ever think of that? Cant accept the word no because she might have never been told no before the age of 16? I mean.. Im guessing here too. I have a few friends that have daughters around this age.. and it just seems to be a trend. Theres some far and in between that actually stayed on that straight line..but for the most part.. none of them have. Its todays world. Look at our schools... we have rapes in the hallways.. teachers being hit and hospitalized.. guns and knives being brought to school... no respect.. right? Our kids spend approx 8 hours a day in school. Most parents have to work (both of them) and arent home with our children alot. Definately dont get 8 hours a day with them... we come home tired and want to relax.. and dont have time for the children. So.. the kids best teachers and influences are at school.. Whew.. glad they have that, huh? Look at whats on tv now days? Nothing but sex and drugs and evil crap. Another great teacher and influence for our kids. Instead of genuinely seeking help for a parent that seeks it and help with advice nobody wants to look outside the box.. they just wanna blame all of it on the parents. I disagree with those that did that.. thats my opinion.. isnt it? Thats also what open forums are for. I just think our kids get taught outside of the home.. then we're left to pick up the pieces and take the blame. Of course we need parents... and if youre anything like me.. I do everything I can for my kids. One son.. I do more for, because he needs my attention more than the other two. My other two go to a private school.... because of the way public schools are. Their school is also a church they attend... Im home everyday when they get home... we have family nights..we stay up all hours of the night if one of them needs to talk or has a problem in whatever area....
I agree parents need to take on more responsibilities for their childen.. and try a lil harder.. but Im not gonna blame someones parents for the kids misbehaving, especially when they came seeking advice. Instead I'll blame those parets that do nothing but sit and whine and dont seek help.. or the ones that beat their kids.. or even worse.. kill them. Dont take it out on a parent thats trying to find answers. We as parents should be sticking together to find ways to help our children.. especially teens.

Jesushelper76

I agree, with Ben.

There is a but, you still need to show her that you love her and except her for who she is.

At the same time, I feel as well that something happened to her. Abuse, some kind of physical abuse or even sexual abuse. There is a reason why she is acting out.

Has she gone for any kind of counseling at all?

Hope you get to the bottom of it. Kicking her out to learn the hard way is important but only as a very last resort.

Please try one last ditch effort to find out if anything happened to her and try to get her to open up and into counseling. No changes then do what Ben said.

Joe

ghost56

I also agree with Ben, but as a last resort, when you have warned her that if she doesn't see someone and get help in the next 30 days and stick to it. I don't agree that it is always how they are brought up that causes problems. Many go off the rails when they have been brought up the right way. The parents are not always at fault, it can sometimes be something outside the family that causes it. She should be told that they are not willing to accept anymore of her behaviour and that if she doesn't comply with ther suggestion, then she is out.

MichyMichelle

I think yes, she is old enough to know right from wrong, BUT- a parent's job is NEVER over. It's a lifetime job. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't kick her out- because that could send off rather a really bad message that when she was at her worst, her parents weren't there for her.
Perhaps when it started at 16, right then her parents should've done things different- but it's no matter now, because this is the present situation. The fact her parents are worried is great, as it shows they DO care- enough to reach out to others for help, not many parents are like that.
I think perhaps the best route would be to have a family intervention (the parents, brothers, any good influences that mean a lot to her are key) and try to get her out of this big slump. Being she's on drugs- her attitude's going to be even WORSE, especially with a substance such as coke! She'll act neurotic because coke messes with your brain in a big way.
Don't shun her and be strong. You're already being a good parent just by reaching out for help. I don't doubt she'll be hard to convince to change her ways- but try. I'm not a parent and even I know that a parent's job is never easy, BUT- because you love your daughter, as the parent- you're to stick with her till the end, through good AND bad.
Perhaps even talk to a therapist yourself to talk it out and ask for professional suggestions.

airbats-goku

At 19 its hard because she's still a child but at the same time she is a woman. The cue about sexual abuse makes sense, maybe something like that happened and she harbours anger toward her parents for not "protecting" her from what they may not/could not possibly know about. The other problems surfaced as a result of low esteem from the incident.eg0 rape victims feel degraded and "worthless". Stay stoned and you won't be able to hurt kinda thing.

Her brothers may know something about her issues or may have heard something about it. I hate to travel this route but maybe they caused it either directly or indirectly. I'm not saying anything against your boys but you need to consider all angles here. I don't know your guys. I'm just tossing out ideas of what may have caused the rebellion.

As to the question of what to do now, try to gt the concerned family members together for an intervention if she won't sit and talk to you. Get a qualified therapist to facilitate this intervention. An outside party like this can keep emotions on a more even keel and represent a safety zone for all concerned. If that doesn't work you may have to let her go on her own. Kicking her out is the last resort for you but you might have to do it. Sometimes the school of hard knocks can make a person change. She'll only change if she wants to and if she doesn't want to...well, what else can you do?

Practical Mom

WRONG WRONG WRONG..you heartless irresponsible person. They are dealing with a child that needs help in which I am sure there is some degree of fault that lies to them, but not totally. Genetics predisposes a lot of folks to a lot of things....Regardless it needs to be fixed. How much pain and anger the daughter exhibits needs to be addressed, NOW. The whole group needs counseling together, starting with the daughter. And a good psychiatrist to help evalutate for any disorders. Also a good physician to evaluate for any physical medical problems. I suspect it is all behavorial, which only step by step can be handled. It cannot all go away in a day and will take time to unwrangle the mess. But if you the parents really want to help, then this is a must. The family will always bear a sadness and frustration that will hinder is cohesiveness forever. But be prepared, because it will take addressing tough things on all parts and great humility. Just look at the end goal. Parents you are not victims here....you have all the power. She may be of age, but if she will not cooperate, you can have her committed for evalutations. Step up to do what is right ..today. All of you deserve happiness, and you have no idea what this is really doing to your sons.

Megg

Ok first off, we don't know what kind of parent's they are. They could be good bad or in the middle. From my experiance, i was a good little gril til teens hit. Then i wanted to get out of the house and ignore my dad. Why? B/c he wasn't a father, and my mom was mental. I was always yelled at and bossed around even til age 19. I finally got tired of it and now i live with my fiance. I'll always have a hard spot in my heart for my dad. He was a jerk who didn't know how to be a parent. This girl hate's her parent's b/c they did something wrong. We don't grow to hate our parent's over-night. It take's awhile til we get soooo sick of them and everyone else that we rebel. I can feel for this kid. I was there. Their must be something that the parent's have done with the girl that was harmful. Maybe being mean, bossy or disrespectful of personal space. I don't care how young a person is parent's still need to show us respect. Were all human. This girl is trying to get attention so things will change. I'm not going to call you a bad parent, but you did something wrong. It's not always the kid's fault for being bad or growing up to be a bad person. It's almost always the parent's. Even the smallest thing can cause this, such as not being there for your child. My dad was never mentally able to help me and neither was my mom, so i was raised by idoits. Sad huh? It's more sad when parent's can't stop this. I pity that poor girl for having to deal with the stuff she is and hope the ppl in her life show her they are sorry for all the hurt they've cased her. Personaly want she needs is love. Not to be commited. That's like saying i needed commited for being a disrespectful teen. Ha, . My folk's got what they deserved. A rude, hateful and disrespectful daughther. Were are they now? In home's! Some ppl either shouldnt be parent's or should parent differently. As i've said we don't do crap for our health. We do it b/c it's how were treated that fuels the fire.