Not sure if this is where this question/situation belongs but here it is. OK maybe a little background will help you understand the situation. I have 3 daughters my oldest is almost 11 from a different relationship. I am separated and divorcing the father of my younger two daughters. They are 3 and 4. My husband is the youngest of three children himself. His sister is 14 years older than him and swings the other way so no grandchildren from her. His brother is 7 years older then him and adopted. His brother has two children his son which there is no contact with and his daughter who is a little over a year old. My four year old would be the first biological grandchild. She looks exactly like her father's side of the family, blond hair blue eyes and the same face as her grandmother. My youngest looks exactly like I did as a child, brown hair hazel eyes and my mother's face. That being said I am having a difficult time with my husband and my in-laws treating the girls fairly. Since my husband and I separated in Feb. and he moved back in with his parents he has taken the 4 year old overnight one night and to the movies once. He has done nothing with the 3 year old. Last week he mentioned taking the 4 year old for father's day weekend. I told him it was the 3 year olds turn and that unless he took her there was no way he was taking either of them. The solution him and his parents came up with was to take both of them. Now I agreed to this but didn't like it very much. What do I say to him about his negligence in the life of his daughter? How do I explain it to her when he comes over kisses and hugs the 4 year old but ignores her. Every time he leaves I spend the next half hour consoling my crying baby. His parents are the same way with her. For Christmas every year I have to buy my youngest and oldest almost twice as many gifts to make it even after they give all their gifts to the children. I have talked to them until I am blue in the face. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

educatedhorse_2005

I don't think there is a lot you can do about except what you did this weekend.
Some people are good haters. If your youngest looks as much like you as you say. It may be a sore spot with them.. Did they think there son was a perfect person?
If so they don't want no reminders that he screwed up.
When you finally get your divorce see if you can make so he has to take both our none.
But then again that might not be a good idea either. Because they may make her life miserable when with them.
As far as the presents go you can't make them spend the same amount on all of the kids.
All you can do is try to make the dad see that both of the kids are his. Help him realize that he needs to treat both of them the same.

I wish you luck and god bless

fredg

Hi, tiff,
I was divorced from my first marriage after 7 yrs, with 2 small boys. After 3 yrs, met a wonderful woman with a 5 yr old daughter, and we got married later....it's been 29 yrs. now.
That 5 yr old daughter of my wife's (my step-daughter) thinks more of me now that her real father. He was a real pain, while she was growing up. She is 36 yrs old now, married, and we have a 9 yr old grandson.
What you are going through come with the "territory"; ie, divorce with children!
There isn't much you can do, but just hang in there. Your ex-husband probably won't listen to anything you have to say. If he had, you might not be getting a divorce! He will probably do as he pleases, and his family, too.
One thing; don't "badmouth" your ex to your children. You don't have to explain "why" or whatever about what he does or thinks. The children will learn this for themselves. Later, they will make up their own minds about him.
Best of luck, and hang in there.

orange

Ugh I think that's really shallow and unfair... I have 2 adopted children and one biological child, and my husband and I are constantly striving to make sure there is no difference in treatment between the children. So it kind of makes me sick to hear when someone is doing that to their child and doesn't even seem to care...

Like Demonspeeding and Fred said, there's not much you can do about it. I think you did well to make him take both children at the same time, and doing more of that would be good if you can manage it. And as hard as it is, I agree with Fred about not badmouthing him to the children, as tempting as that might be.

aqua@home

Hi,
As hard as it is, I don't think it's up to you to fix your ex's mistakes. Your children will see how everyone is treated in the family and they will make their own conclusions. I know to a 3 and 4 that is difficult.

On the other hand, I think you were right in not allowing one to go without the other but it's not fair for them both to go and for one to be mistreated. When this was happening in my family because certain members of my family thought two children were just perfect and they chose to punnish the third for being born, we simply didn't accept anything for the two if there was nothing for the third. Needless to say we went on to have number four and five anyway. Enough about that, my point is that you should continue to decline. Your children will see the favortism and they will be hurt. I think this is a lose lose situation. If you let one accept things that the other isn't given then the one being left out will be hurt. If you make the one who gets things decline from receiving the gifts she will be hurt. However, I don't think it's too much to tell the one that they cannot accept something if there is not anything for the other one. Well, with the exception of birthdays and what-not. I think it will teach your children how to treat others as well. That's just my opinion though. I hope you figure this out. Good luck.

valinors_sorrow

I say this as one who is without biological children herself but certainly knows a lot about divorced parents, the terrible games people play and step families. It is sad how the world still has so much unfairness in it.

You might want to remind yourself that one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is the skill of rising above unfairness gracefully. They will need it. Perhaps you can find ways to learn about this together over time. Talk about it when they are older in frank but forgiving terms. Use the lesson to draw strength. Show them how to be powerless over others but not helpless themselves. This is all very wise stuff and the kids who know about it are gifted in other ways.

I hope that helps with a little different perspective. There are more ways than one to conquer an injustice.