My ex-wife is an alcoholic with a diagnosable personality disorder. She followed the path that her mother took and subtly drove a wedge between my daughter and I from the moment that my daughter could talk until emotionally I was shut out. Just as happened with her father. I felt that I was never allowed to bond with my daughter and as she grew my parental position was constantly undermined. Any attempt to impose even the mildest form of boundary was undermined and met with over-indulgence from my wife. Also my wife had a perverse nature that required anything good to be spoiled and eventually destroyed. By the time my daughter was 11 years old she and I had become strangers under the same roof. The situation became intolerable and when my wife realised that our family was likely to break up she then instigated emotional blackmail that instead of resolving the situation, actually made it worse.
After the split (2003) I tried to share my daughter but was thwarted at every turn. After 3 years of being treated like a leper I left the UK and now reside in Europe. I have not seen my daughter for over 4 years. I have constantly sent messages of love and encouragement with at best no response, at worse to have my advances rebuked.
I have no help from my family as my childless sister pays lip-service to me ex-wife to ensure access to the 'child she never had' and her misplaced surrogate motherhood has had devastating consequences.
So to sum up.
1, A daughter who I understand is difficult to control and experimenting perhaps too much with alcohol. She has a history of self harming, prescription drug overdoses, and treatment for depression (She is now 17 yrs). I fear that a problem with alcohol is looming.
2,An alcoholic supine mother with no control over my daughter. I know she has poisoned my daughter against me but is in total denial and convinced friends and family that the difficulties between my daughter and I are nothing to do with her.
3, A sister who even my parents (My Mother has since died) as long as 15 years ago described as behaving in a peculiar manner due to never having had children. (She knew 18 months before I did that my daughter was self harming but entered a pact of silence with my ex-wife to ensure that my wife didn't cut of access).
4, Me. I'm now 61 years and in torment with this hurt that never goes away. I liken it to an endless bereavement.
I feel that I've done everything I can to resolve or at least improve the situation and have run dry of hope and ideas. What do I do now or where can I go to for help?

redhed35

have you considered going to visit your daughter?

you are still her father,wether her mother or she likes it or not.

it will be hard...

but...she is 17,and as she gets older she will see that you kept contact and was a stable person in her life.

dont let history repeat itself again,it looks like it going to be up to you to break the cycle.

JHY

I have tried on a few occasions, the last being on her Birthday. (May 2009)I texted her that I would be flying into the UK and would be in a coffee lounge 5 mins from her home.
On previous occasions she has replied by text with an excuse but this time I had no message. We had an email exchange shortly afterwards which I think was the only time that I showed anger at her behaviour as she gave a limp and transparent excuse. Up until then, and during the difficult times with my wife I was careful not to involve my daughter. and had done my best to remain consistant in my messages to her. This time I felt that not only had no respect for me whatsover, but that I was losing my self respect. Rightly or wrongly I had always ensured that she had enough money, had paid for a private education (20% of which her mother allowed her to be absent from) and had actually bought her a car. Not as a birthday present, but 1, because that's what Dad's do for their daughters if they are fortunate enough to be able to afford to. 2, To prevent my sister from pre-empting me (not for the first time and using my elderly father's money to do it).

twinkiedooter

JHY first you need to stop beating yourself up over this child. You've tried numerous times to reach out to her and she's just not interested in reciprocating this love and attention. Buying her a car was a nice gesture but it obviously was not appreciated period. Would suggest that you just forget her and move on with your life. There is just so much you can do to grovel after this child and then it gets to be pathetic. You have more self esteem than that I'm sure.

If she is almost like her mother, she may have possibly inherited her mental problems and just continue her downward spiral into the dark recesses of her mind.

I am glad your sister at least keeps you from squandering more money on this child.

If your child really does want you and love you she will come to you when she's ready. It may take years for this to happen. Just sit tight and wait for her to come to you. Otherwise, the more you chase her around or give lavish gifts to, you are basically pushing her away with both hands. She's just 17 and very impressionable. The mother is definitely to blame for this. You can't undue how many years of estrangement. Sorry, it's not going to happen.

Gemini54

JHY, as hard as this must be to hear, I reciprocate twinkiedooter's advice. My husband is in a really similar situation to yours (except his mother plays the part of your sister).

Firstly, can I recommend you go to this webisite? It will provide you with some opinions about the issues you're dealing with. What your ex-wife has done is called - parental alienation syndrome...and you are its victim.

shrink4men.wordpress.com

Secondly, and this is really hard, you must try to begin to accept that you can't do anything for your daughter. She has been thoroughly brainwashed by her mother and is beyond your reach. Expensive presents will just reinforce her sense of entitlement and increase her disdain for you.

I understand that you care about her, but you also must try to accept that she has chosen her path in life. She's 17 now and although you might not agree with what she thinks, or how she chooses to behave or live her life you must let go of trying to control it.

You can't make her acknowledge or love you. It's impossible. I do understand, because my husband lives with the pain and hurt of his estrangement on a daily basis. In the end he has had to accept the situation and get on with his life, finding joy in other places.

People say that it takes time and that children do eventually recognize their parents' involvement. This may sometimes be the case, but parents in your situation often find that their children contact them when they need something like money. Beware of becoming an open wallet in order to earn your daughter's love.

In the end, the only place that you can find help and solace is within yourself. I'm sorry if this sounds corny. Continuing to allow this open wound to fester will just infect the rest of your life.

Accept that you have done everything that you could. Accept that you are a good person that's had a difficult experience. Accept that although you will never stop loving your daughter there is nothing more you can do. Acceptance is not giving up. It's just saying that you can't change the situation at this point in time.

Try to find happiness in other areas of your life.

JHY

Twinkiedooter/Gemini54.
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I think that deep down I know that I should follow the course you recommend, I suppose I just needed somebody to tell me that it was okay to at least try letting go. Gemini54, your husband will understand too that a fathere's love for his daughter is a unique and special thing. I don't know if in his case it is an only child, but this too increases the hurt as the opportunities to be part of her life as she is growing have gone for ever, I think that is the worst part.
Thank you again, it really has helped as I at last understand what I have to do.