My boyfriend's daughter has never disrespected me, but she goes out of her way to make her father feel horrible. We have gone out of our way to make sure she knows she is welcome to do anything we are doing, but the few times she agreed to go with us she either talked on her cell phone or texted her friends the entire trip and barely spoke even when we tried to include her.

If her dad ever says no about a new purchase she always replies with "That's okay mom will get it for me" and 9 times out of 10 she comes over the next weekend with whatever it was her dad refused to buy her. Just about every weekend she is supposed to stay with us she claims to have something else going on and stays with a friend one of the nights or works late and just stays at her moms house. The only times she makes an effort to contact him is if she needs money, needs to go to the doctor/dentist, needs her car fixed or needs advice about her computer. This past weekend at her father's birthday dinner, in front of everyone including her father she says "My mom wanted me to ask if she could some leftovers" I was beside myself I was so upset, how disrespectful was it for her to even bring her mother up on HER FATHER'S day? You could just see her dad deflate. His feelings were so hurt that he didn't even look at her the rest of the evening. This was the first time you could visibly tell she had broken his heart. She acted like she hadn't done anything wrong. Her father still refused to say anything to her about her actions. I have been biting my tongue for over a year regarding her disrespectful behavior. I think its time I spoke up, but some people here at work tell me it isn't my place. I know that as soon as I say something, she'll tell her mom who will then call her dad and give him hell for it. I'm just so tired of seeing her father (who is trying so hard to stay a part of her life) be beaten down by her spoiled brat behavior and her thinking its acceptable! Should I keep my mouth shut or give her a piece of my mind?

WOW. You are pretty much in a no-win situation here.

This girl's actions are a reflection of his ex-wife's feelings.

I am assuming from what you have written that you have spoken to your husband and sitting her down and telling her how she is hurting him is not something he is willing to do?

Is it at all possible that you can talk him into going into family counseling with you? Not with his daughter for the moment, but just the two of you. You need to have an objective third party help walk him through this. If he refuses to go, I think you should go for yourself. The counselor may be able to give you advice on how to speak with your husband to get him to speak to her.

You definitely need to stay out of it as far as talking directly to his daughter or the ex. This sounds like those two are just waiting for you to jump in and take the bait so that they can drive a wedge between you and your husband. Don't do it. You are smart enough to recognize that his ex and his daughter are not worth making a bone of contention in your own marriage. This is between him and them. What you need to do is find a way to get him to speak with his daughter about her behavior. That is why I am recommending a counselor.

What do you think? Sound reasonable? Any other thoughts or feedback on your end?

Please get your husband some help as he really needs to deal a lot more directly with his daughter, and set some boundaries. She is to out of control. Be a great idea if the mother would be taken behind the barn as well as that is the root of the problem, but your husband is way to complicit in not checking her behavior.

Just a comment... melsmom says "boyfriend", not husband. Which may matter a lot in this situation. I've never been in the situation, but I don't know how I would feel about my dad having a girlfriend, especially if she were living with him.

Yes, froggy. I am sorry I jumped on that and assumed husband when it obviously is her boyfriend as she stated. I think the melsmom name kind of threw me into marriage mode.

Advice though, is still the same.

It was immediately apparent to me that the daughter is not happy with her father and neither is the girl's mother. The father is letting them walk on him. Whether it is out of guilt is not a factor in the advice. The living arrangement could be the reason he is afraid to say anything. Maybe he is fearful of losing his daughter.

But, he needs to understand that if he had a decent enough relationship with his daughter prior to his split from her Mom, they will go through a rough patch. Eventually it will work itself out. She is his daughter and wants to have a relationship with him. If she didn't, she wouldn't show up at all and she wouldn't speak with him. She is doing this on purpose and she is treating him with disdain and disrespect. He needs put his foot down. She may not speak with him for a while but that is okay. Boundaries still need to be set and respected. She will eventually come around and respect the fact that this is his life, not hers, and that his decision to split from his mother has nothing to do with his daughter and he still loves her. And, he needs help in finding a way to verbalize all this.

I would say that my only being his girlfriend could be part of the issue. I can see where that could cause anger on her part. One thing to mention is he and her mother were never married. Plus, her mother had brought her new boyfriend into her daughter's life much sooner than I was brought into her life. They also live together with her daughter. She and her mother have always been more "best-friends" then they have been mother and daughter. Mom is very immature and daughter is the same way, but can have moments where she's incredibly mature and intelligent. Even once admitting to her father during their split that she was afraid because "Mom can't take care of herself."

In our conversations the only thing her father and I can come up regarding her anger toward him is the fact that we are happy and planning a future together. Maybe her mother's new relationship isn't as happy as she and her daughter portray it to be. Maybe seeing her mother (who she has always been much closer to than her father) unhappy is causing her a lot of hurt?

Not intimately knowing the situation, anything is possible. It is also possible that, even though she is close to her Mom, she is unconsciously fearful that she will lose her father to his relationship with you. Maybe she is fearful that there really won't be any place for her in your lives.

The whole situation is very heartbreaking. There is nothing anyone can do about the mother and her attitude/maturity level unless she is willing to make changes herself.

Do everything you can to support him and get him to go to a counselor. Eventually, he might feel strong enough to bring his daughter into counseling with him to help them work on their relationship with each other. But, he needs to learn to communicate properly with her to get the result you all want.

Sometimes a child wants attention so bad that "bad" attention is good enough in there minds. Dad and his ability to communicate with his daughter is a must at this stage in her life. This is important for you to know as well as she just wants to be daddy's little girl. I remember my own daughter at that age and she took a lot of my attention, even though I was so strict (or tried to be LOL) but we could talk and even get mad. Try explaining this to the man of the house. I had to learn and so must he.

I would just like to add something along with all the other great responses you've gotten.
Once upon a long time ago, I happened to also be disrespectful to my stepfather... It's something I'm not proud of, but I was a kid and he understood that. All of a sudden, there was someone new, a change in our routine, and for reasons unknown to me, I didn't like it... He was really good to me and my sister and brothers, but we didn't view him as anyone important for some time after marrying my mother. I would honestly have to say that it took us children 3 to 4 years to except him into our lives.
During that whole time, he never once (to our face at least) gave us a piece of his mind. He always remained calm and supportive and those wonderful qualities are what gained our trust and respect for him.
Just being calm, supportive, understanding, and caring will get you further in the long run. I know it may be hard, but don't stoop to lower levels out of frustration. The daughter will come around on her own time and realize that you're not so bad after all, as long as you never give her a reason not to.
Kae
I'd also like to just add that it wasn't 3 to 4 years of total misery for my stepfather. We slowly excepted him and after 3 to 4 years had gone by we had fully excepted him and thought very highly of him...

Have to spread the love Akae.

Melsmom, this is a very good perspective here from someone who has been in the same seat as your boyfriend's daughter.

The bottom line is, everyone is pretty much telling you the same things as your friends and coworkers. It isn't your place to intervene. It is your place to help your boyfriend as much as you possibly can. As frustrating as this is for you, it will pay off in the long run.

Definitely some boundaries are important here and family counselling, however this is "baby steps" of course. What might help is if you speak to someone in the health departement who has lots of information on separation, etc. In my experience as and educator I find this very resourceful as they can intervene better and suttle.